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Thursday, May 31, 2012

When life hands you Mangos..

My boyfriend's mom gave me some Mangos last visit,
I don't care for them when thery're green, but they ripen quickly to that red sweet variety in no time, so I've decided to share my recepie for Mango Freeze smoothies.
It's been hella hot here lately and this is a low calorie safe food that I don't mind keeping down.
Sometimes I need most if not all fruit to over ripen for the simple fact it doesn't hurt that much during the long tedious digestion process that my body endures.
Don't know if anyone else feels this way but I's do, so without further adieu..




Mango Freeze Smoothie ala Lou


Ingredients

  • 3 medium mangoes, peeled, seeded, and chopped
  • 1 12-ounce can peach, guava, or other tropical fruit nectar, chilled
  • 1 cup crushed ice
  • 1 tablespoon honey (optional)

Directions

  1. Combine all ingredients in a blender container. Cover and blend until smooth. Serve immediately. Makes 6 servings.





In another news around the world, I've only bp 1x today and have stayed away from laxatives.
I went through hell yesterday when they started to activate at 4am.
I took way too many, my stomach was a crampy. burning mess. I took so many that I started bleeding suddenly something that resembled a period, still unsure if it's an actual period or not, I don't think it is seeing as how I don't have the mind numbing cramps.

I'm going to look into the Ed support group thing again. I need to slow all of this down before I give myself a seizure or heart attack.
It's not easy, I wish I could just stop all this bullshit really, I don't know why I feel the need to hurt myself so much.
Why do I hate myself so much?

Well I'm gunna finishing working on the Novel, had a lovely time last night before that whole lax mess writing, felt like the block was lifted. Hope I can repeat the writing magic again.
Wish me luck.





Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Food baby

I had a bowl of soup yesterday and even some cheesecake,
the flu has me delusional I think. I'm actually eating something and not really thinking about the consequences of it just yet.

Today oh boy HUGE mistake.
Wow.
I can't believe how unhappy the scale has made me.
Now I have to back peddle which I hate. I was doing so well.

I have no patience for digestion, I can't sit around and hope that my bloated body will come around and distribute the nutrients evenly and maybe I didn't actually gain. I can't keep this Food baby.
I just don't know how to eat anymore. I can't stand the feeling of food sitting in me.
All day I struggled on what I should do, in the end I bp and binged on two boxes of laxatives.

I purged blood today and I'm starting to get a bad case of Vertigo again, I haven't felt dizzy like that in months. Usually dizzy spells go, but not today. I don't know if maybe its remnants of the flu.

I didn't work out either which I should've. I've been a useless lump on the couch watching Felicity and thinking the whole time, God I will never be skinny.
I get more pathetic each day.

My sister is on her own spiral.
Her and her hubby fight more and more.
She actually went to red Lobster all by herself only to b/p in their restroom half and hour later.
We started talking about the summer plans..
She wants me up there in Orlando for a week, but the way things are going with her husband, she needs a getaway.
She asked me if it was okay to spend the summer here in Miami instead in my apartment. She promised that we'd go be beach bums together and spend nights having drinks at bars, shopping and overall just being two monkeys.
What am I going to say no?
Of course she can come. We'll figure out the logistics of things once she's actually here.
Hopefully the b/p won't get too out of hand, we don't have the same kinda Ed, but it can get a bit testy. Hope I don't get too irritated if at all.

On the plus side I think the flu is dissipating, I'm feeling much better, my boyfriend looks much worse, I think our Superflu mutation found a host in him instead, hope he feels better soon.

I downloaded this weight loss app that I thought was helpful at first and now is just overall pissing me off, it keeps track of loss and gains and tracks your goal weight, kinda like a ticker.
Hmm this recent gain makes me realize its an annoying app.
I won't delete it, it makes me accountable and makes me stare at my mistakes whether I like it or not.

In other news here in Miami, we're having a bout of Zombie attacks, yea you read right Zombies. Two homeless men got into some kind of argument and apparently one ate the other's face right off, he even growled, police had to put him down. What is this world coming to, yikes, don't they know how many calories are in a face!


Miami Zombie Killer and Aftermath



I hope the rest of em hurry up and get here then maybe the rationing of food supplies will finally make me drop some weight.
I'll be running for my life also so at least I'll get in a good workout.
I'm currently scouting Mansions on Miami Beach to see which one Bill Murray owns so I can takeover and hold up happily with my kid and my boyfriend.
I hear J-Lo's place is nice too, it's always good to have a plan B.

Okay that's it, gunna find something to do with myself before the lax sickness starts.
Nite all and watch out for those walking dead out there and I don't mean the catwalk either.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Now playing

Happy Memorial Day all.
There is nothing happy about it, today is the sickest I've been.
Is there such a thing as a sinus infection because that's what it feels like today. My face hurts to the touch.
My sinuses feel like they are flooded with burning water.

I got pretty drunk all by myself last night, I had a headache that would not go away so I decided to drink it away.
That didn't work, after the headache didn't numb itself out, I started to feel really sad.
That's never a good sign, that usually means I drank way too much and I'm a hop, sip and away from Alcohol poisoning.
I took myself to bed immediately after and toss and turned all night.
I feel so terrible today, I would cry but that would hurt too so I won't.

Sick as I am though I decided I wanted to get out the house.
I want to see a movie. Nothing good is playing but I needed out of this vortex.

Got dressed and headed to the mall, but not before picking up my kid to join me.
We decided to go see Men in Black 3.



Snow White!?? wtf where's Hello Kitty!


 Men in Black 3 was okay, the characters really look older it was very distracting to me. The plot was good although it was rushed, would have loved more of an Agent K back story but it didn't happen.
The younger version of Agent K played by the delicious Josh Brolin was great. He was funny and delightful to watch.
My daughter didn't care too much for the movie, I think I chose to go see a movie a week too soon, Madagascar 3 comes out June 8th, I'll take her to that also.
Snow White comes out next week, I definitely want to see that, maybe I'll make it a habit of taking myself out every once in awhile.
I shared popcorn with my daughter and had too much soda, no b/p today AT ALL!
Yay.
I'm not even worried about what I ate.

I see my boyfriend tomorrow who is equally as sick as me.
I wonder what happens when two sick people get together?
One can only hope to create a new mutation of Superflu, or maybe we'll cancel out each other's sickness?
Either way I'm looking forward to just being in the same room as him, wish it was tomorrow already.

So now I'm going to shower and drink more medicine, try to feel something other than sore.
Nite all.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Sick Sunday






Saturday, May 26, 2012

Party Girl

Friday Vlog

Sorry the Vlog's so late..
Had a long night, lol I swear the things that only happen to me.
Tell ya about it some other time :)
Anywho's Happy Late Friday viewing.
 Oh yea this vlog is Kiiiiinda long..

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Pressure

I'm still sick.
Far too feverish with a side of sinus pressure.

My daughter's allergic reaction is gone, a raspy cough still lingers.
She didn't eat much today, a bit of spaghetti and put the remainder in the fridge for tomorrow or so she says.
She's been eating considerably less these days, Ramen noodle soup seems to be the only thing she'll actually want to eat.
I don't worry yet about her eating patterns, I should considering my own awful eating, but she's seven and doing what seven years old do and that is be indecisive about everything.

I hate being sick, woke up this morning in tears because I felt so bad.
On the plus side no b/p today, ate a peanut butter sandwich and felt nauseous five minutes later.
I kept it down but decided to binge on laxatives as my means of expulsion.
I really wish I could stop all this bullshit but deep down inside I must not want it bad enough, does that make me a bad person?
I don't think I care.
I think I'm tired of caring what others think about me, I'm tired of feeling pressured to do the right thing all the time. I really don't know how to do that.
I'm lucky if I can get this b/p under control long enough to trade up to restricting again.

I worry about my health yes, but not enough, you would think low sugar, nosebleeds, sharp random stomach cramps and achey kidneys would deter me from all of this, but it doesn't.
I just don't know what it's going to take for me to get the message that I will die sooner rather than later if I keep on with this way of living.

I can't seem to get a proper grasp on help either..The only two support groups that I've found are utter dismantled bullshit.
They're non existent, need to be updated data in a website. There are no support groups, there is no help for me, not the way I'm willing to go about it.
What am I supposed to do exactly?
There is the therapist route again, maybe I could find one that specializes in Ed's, but how long until they've had enough of my shit too, how long until they tell me it's time for a hospital, send me away somewhere thinking that weight restoration is the answer to it all.
It's not.
I don't need to gain weight, I need to gain perspective, to fix whatever is it that possesses me to hurt myself this way, to slowly commit suicide.
I'm frustrated.

I wish I could tell you that I don't want to lose weight but I'd be lying.
If I could lose 20lbs by the end of June, I'd be a happier person, that's what it sounds like in my head. Will I feel better sans 20lbs..no.
How could I, I'd be weak and sick and maybe even look differently. I say maybe because I can never really see what everyone else does, I don't trust mirrors.
I can never be sure of what I look like.


Did you know that there a ton of apps for weight loss?
There's even an app for a food journal to track what you eat and how much you shouldn't to lose.
There are all these things everywhere that scream out to me.
Lose, lose, lose.

I wish I were working. If I had a job, I'd be stable.
This I believe.

I applied for a position at a bar in a not so nice part of town.
I applied for work any place that stands out, anything really, I don't care anymore what it is I have to do as long as it has the hours I need and pays some kinda whatever to get me by.
I just want out of this house, away from Ed for awhile.

Let's talk about summer.
My sister wants to see me, my ex wanted to go out of town for the summer instead but my sister isn't 100% on him being in her home.
I was told today she may not be able to pay for my ticket to go.
I don't think I'll be going anywhere this summer.

It all comes back to money and my lack of it.

I'm not independent, I'm just scraping by.


Then there are some very loud men in my life right now.
I have been told by my sister if I do head up there how enthusiastic The Boy is to see me, he wants to take me out a few times..
I don't mind a movie but not anything else. I've made it clear how not interested I am in pursuing anything other than a friendship with him.
He's very young and I'm not.
I'm a mother with bills and responsibility, I don't need to cramp any one's style no matter how willing they are to take care of me. I want to take care of myself for a change.

Then there's the ex husband.
How awful it's been dealing with him lately.
Every conversation starts out cordial and then turns into a giant guilt trip.
He keeps making comments like
"I'm going to die alone and sad."
"No one will ever take your place in my heart."
"I miss and love you."
The expressions he makes are like those of sad pets at a shelter.
He thinks by showing me how miserable he is I'll feel pity for him and go back.
I won't. No matter how miserable you are, it's 1000x magnified for me because of all my disorders.
I refuse to feel so unhappy as I've been the past 5yrs.
I wish he would just lay off of it and leave me alone.
Stop trying to grab my hand or force me to hug him.
Just stop and have some dignity man.

There's the British bloke too who would love nothing more than to send me a ticket to London, a one way ticket.
I've been offered the world but I don't think I deserve it.
As wonderful as this person is, I think our relationship would be nothing more than a means to fix me when I'm not quite there yet. I'm not a fixer upper, more of an As Is kinda girl.

I'm still trying to figure out me and how to deal with it all one day at a time.
 That's all I can offer to anyone is one day at a time.
Be patient with me because I myself have heaps of it. I'll have good days and bad, but I try, that's all any of us can do really.

What I want most right now is to work, to financially be able to provide for myself and my kid, to really be free.
My Ed comes next, I would be able to manage that better thus being a better, sane person. Not so lost in my head all the time.
The rest of it all are luxuries; to finish my novel, to travel, to reconnect with my faith..
Those things can be done but not right now because there are other things taking up too much of my time.

Moving along..
I have a birthday party to attend Saturday.
I have no idea what to buy an 8yr old girl and an 11yr old boy.
What on earth do kids like nowadays?
I'll try to figure something else tomorrow.

One more season and my Felicity Marathon is over.

I've been reading "Insatiable" by Eve Eliot.



"I tell myself that hunger isn't as horrible as the fat is," said Jessica. "I tell myself how happy I'll feel when I wake up tomorrow morning feeling clean and thin."

"I tell myself how special I am," said Jessica. "I tell myself I'm different because I can be hungry and still not eat."


It's a good book, four girls, four different Ed's.
I highly recommend. I can't turn down Ed themed literature, it's refreshing to see in print what you live day in and out.

So that's it, my head is throbbing and that means time to lay down for a bit.
Hope you all are well.
Nite.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Sick

So I'm sick and so is my kid, I actually think I'm running a fever?
My kid is having an allergic reaction to something, what I don't know..

I've b/p 2x today and that doesn't help with the sore throat, nor does it help with the sinus pressure I'm experiencing.

I hate being sick, I hate feeling lazy.




So this picture I posted is a test, looks like I can post pics again yay!
My very kind Brittish mate has been ever so kind as to pay for extra GB..aww I love you to bits Perry.
This pic was his suggestion btw (O.o)
Omg just look at that..that dog has creepy eyes? LOL



Anyways,
Ugh I hate bulimia, I don't know if I've ever mentioned that or not?
I wish I could just restrict again, why is eating anything so hard?
I hate my scale, my jeans (cries) my jeans don't fit..

I hate my stupid gelatinous body, I think I resemble an ugly green jello mold that sits at parties untouched because of chopped canned pineapples inside of it.
 It just giggles when the occasional party guest bumps into it.
I'm tired of jiggling.

Blah wish I was somebody else.


Okay pity party over with.

On a much happier note feel really inspired and plan to work on my novel tonight, I'm just going to write and not care so much.
I worry so much about whether what I wrote is relevant or not I completely miss the point entirely and that's that writing is fun to me, my thing and no one Else's, I shouldn't care if its good or not, I should just have fun with it and my characters that I love and miss a lot.
So that's it, I'm feverish and dehydrated.
My weight is a mess and my hair is so dry I'm seriously thinking about chopping it all off for the summer.
Thinking mind you..

Hope you all are well and a better post tomorrow.
I've also been glued to Netflix and Felicity..oh boy I need to get a life.

Once again yay, I can post pics again.
*happy dance*


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Med-less

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Bloated

Here to Stay!






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Friday, May 18, 2012

Dr.s and Deals

So I've been stuck in a b/p cycle.
I'm sad to admit I've been going crazy over here with my own devices.
I don't know how to fight this shit anymore.
I can't remember how or why I wanted to in the first place. I've been letting molehills become Mountains lately and so Ed has been comforting me as it usually does..






After the school play it kinda all went downhill, the b/p has been non stop.
I'm really tired.


Today I had my Dr.s appointment.
I didn't want to go, and at 7am I got a call from my ex telling me my kid was feverish and unable to go to school.
Now I had to deal with that on my way back home later.
Sick kids are triggering and exhausting.


I wanted nothing more than to cancel my appointment with the Gp, but I went ahead and dealt with it anyways..
In the Clinic and I'm running late, really late.
I ring the bell at the frosted glass partition and expected a scolding as tardiness is never accepted and its a personal pet peeve of mines.
Instead I'm greeted by the Clinic's new receptionist, it's a man and a overwhelmed one by the looks of it, he has no idea what he's doing.
The Clinic has merged Insurances and HMO's of all kinds, so now there is nothing but confusion and confused patients.
I'm treated like a first timer, filling out forms and providing contact info all over again, on the plus side my tardiness is overlooked. I'm happy about that, I was prepared to blame it all on the new guy just in case.

So now I'm to sit and wait, and wait..wait some more.

I had more pics to post, but Blogger is telling me I'm to purchase more Gb..oh lordy if it's not one thing it's another..
What Bullshit.

Sorry no more pics I'm afraid.



Anyways.

The nurse calls me in and I'm weighed.
Holy fucknugget!
My weight is high. I didn't see that coming.
I'm so distracted at some point the nurse is looking at me like I have a huge mental impairment not listed on my chart.


The Dr. finally sees me and this is quick.
I need to see an Ob-Gyn for my breast exam and pap smear of course, he can only give me a referral, they don't do that in the Clinic.
I'm secretly overjoyed because I don't want this man touching my breasts.

I'm asked if I smoke for some reason and I admitted that I've been doing it more and more lately.
Now I get scolded..
Blah blah don't smoke you will die and look like a prune in the process, yeah no shit really, no one bothered to ever tell me that before.


"Is there anything else wrong?" the doc asks me.
I tell him No.
I'd love to say yes there is doc, help me, I'm fucked with my Eating Disorder, it's sucking the life and will outta me, but I stay quiet as usual because I think there is no help for me, I'm doomed to have this illness the rest of my days.


On the little table and I have to get off,
I can't wait to run outta here, the doctor is too close to me, so close I can see his irises and smell his breath which reeked of coffee.
He tries to help me down like I'm some kind of invalid and I try to get myself off the table, we misfire and I nearly fall on my face but instead land on his foot.
I turn Scarlet and apologize profusely, he reassures me I weigh nothing and it didn't hurt.
This was the highlight of my day..sad huh?


So no breast exam, and no gyno in sight, I have to now scour the ends of the Earth in hopes one will take my shitty insurance.


I drive home and think of all the things I'm dying to binge on.
My phone is squished at the bottom of my purse and I hear a beeping sound, its the phone reminding me of a missed call. I check the log and it's my Oldest brother.
I call him back only to find out my phone dialed his number at random by mistake, we talk for a few minutes and he asks me hows the new job going.
I tell him the stupid story of how I had a job then didn't.
I feel ridiculous to no end every time I tell the fucking thing. I'm reminded of what a god dam failure I am and how things seem to always seep outta my hands like water.

Now I want to binge.
I call my ex who gives me the runaround for an hour.
Finally I get a hold of him and my kid is home.
She's a little bit under the weather but later feels better.
She and I cuddle in bed and watch movies when I'm not b/p.
I've taken a shit load of laxatives, a lot today.
I suspect tomorrow will be very bad for me. I feel lightheaded already and oh so sleepy.
The potassium is draining outta me as I type.


Thank god tomorrow is Friday, I hope I can sleep Saturday away, I hope to not eat all weekend long if I can, avoid Bulimia entirely but who knows, I say a lot of dumb shit don't I?


What a shame about the pics, oh Blogger, makes me want to quit you.
Maybe I should, feel so boring at times I myself can't stand it.
I don't know what's the point sometimes, I sit here and try my best and nothing seems to give for me.
I know I'm being incredibly selfish right now, I have so many blessings but that's just how I've been feeling lately.


Oh yeah, got offered Adderal today, a bottle of it.
To lose weight of course why else would I even bother with the thing. The person selling it doesn't even have an Ed but thinks its cute to enable those that do. Some world we have here.

Well that's enough for now.
Nite all.
And shame on you Blogger tsk tsk, you're really tempting me into quitting this Blog.






Tuesday, May 15, 2012

She'll be comin round the Mountain ♫

Today was my daughter's school play..
It was nice, she did great in her part dancing and singing to the song "She'll be comin round the Mountain."
She also had a graduation ceremony, so she has officially passed the 1st grade.
I've b/p 2x today, weighed and I'm down three pounds finally, back in the safe weight range, good.
Now comes the tricky part, keep losing?
Hmm.
Ugh I have hips and too much stomach for my liking..
I wanna drop 17lbs like NOW.




























Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

Doll Parts






HOLE
"Doll Parts"

I am doll eyes
Doll mouth, doll legs
I am doll arms, big veins, dog bait
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, they really do
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, but I do too
I want to be the girl with the most cake
I love him so much it just turns to hate
I fake it so real, I am beyond fake
And someday, you will ache like I ache
Someday, you will ache like I ache
I am doll parts
Bad skin, doll heart
It stands for knife
For the rest of my life
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, they really do
Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, but I do, too
I want to be the girl with the most cake
He only loves those things because he loves to see them break
I fake it so real, I am beyond fake
And someday, you will ache like I ache
Someday you will ache like I ache

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Crossroads

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Pre-heat Oven

So lately all I've been doing is sleeping and eating, throw in some sore boobs and it's not the kinda party I care for.
If I didn't know any better I'd say there was a bun in my empty oven, but I don't think so although my sister would tell me otherwise.

Anyways, I'm very lazy today.
The only thing I've managed to do was get an appointment for my Gp and see if I can get a referral for a Ob-gyn..
I called both Eating Disordered support groups also, the first had no answer, and the second the same thing.
How discouraging.
I feel like giving up on the idea really, but I'm just crabby today.
I'm having a bad body image day, I feel myself expanding and I hate it.

So in honor of upcoming Mother's Day which I will be spending alone with my kid, I will be making my famous Monkey Bread.
How about that in my oven instead..

So I'm sharing the recipe, and it's not figure friendly so eat at your own risk.





Hey, hey we're the.. Monkey Bread Recipe




                                   

Ingredients

3 tubes buttermilk biscuits

1/2 cup sugar

2 teaspoons cinnamon

3/4 cup butter

1/2 cup brown sugar

2 teaspoons cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon vanilla

Directions

Open the biscuit tubes (trying not to flinch when they pop) and then quarter. Your kids can use butter knives to cut the biscuits into bits or, if you've got young ones, they can tear the pieces into smaller pieces. Go ahead and preheat the oven to 350 F.

Fill a plastic zip-top bag with the plain sugar and 2 teaspoons of cinnamon. Enlist the kids to shake-a-shake the bits in the cinnamon sugar, remove, and then drop into the bundt pan.

While things are shaking away, melt the butter, brown sugar, vanilla, and cinnamon together until things are bubbly. You can also sprinkle in any leftover cinnamon sugar from the zip-top bag.

Pour the melted butter mixture over the sugar-cinnamon covered biscuit bits and then pop into the hot oven for 30-minutes.

Remove the bundt pan from the oven and let cool for 10-minutes. Place a large plate over the top of the bundt pan and carefully flip over. Let the big oeey-goooooey Sticky Monkey Bread rest for a few minutes before digging in.

Enjoy!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Backpack backpack!

I did indeed sleep the remainder of Tuesday away.
I had an awful dream where my hair was falling out by the handfuls thus leaving me with a huge bald spot. I think I know why I dreamt this, but I won't say just yet..

The b/ping from yesterday left me exhausted,
It's not like before, I truly feel more awful with each time.
In a way that's good because it's a deterrent, in another warped way of looking at things it's bad, because it means that when I do eat, I have to keep it down, or go back to not eating at all.
I don't know a polite way to put that I don't want to gain weight.
I don't know of a happy medium so what to do now?

I took too many laxatives.
This afternoon, around noon when I woke up, my head is throbbing.
I feel hungover minus the alcoholic binge.
I'm still not in the best mood.
I spoke to my sister earlier but tried to keep it brief, I didn't want her to be sad since she hates hearing me sound so depressed.
I still don't know what came over me yesterday, I hope to never feel like that again.
Like I've said I can deal with the solitude, sometimes I actually crave the thing, but yesterday for some odd reason it was too much.
I got a glimpse of a life with no child or anyone around, just me. I didn't too much care for that.
It's no one's fault as to my melancholic state, I guess it just comes with the territory of just being me dealing with it all or rather letting things get to me.
They can always be worse, and maybe they will be soon, but how I decide to cope is the matter that I must change.
Things will always happen, problems with solutions I can't yet fathom.
Figure out a sensible way to not combust Lou, that is the key.

My daughter gets home and of course I look a mess.
My ex insists on coming inside where he stays for a bit.
He knows me all too well and can tell there is something wrong, something else other than the usual melodramas he's grown accustomed to.
We talk for a bit and he gets to eat leftovers with my kid while I google gyno's.

"Why do you need to see a gyno?" my ex asks with too much curiosity.
*Heavy sigh*
I want to know something is all I can say, all I have been saying these days.
I don't have the heart to tell him or anyone that I've given myself a breast exam a few days back and have found something odd in my right breast.
I'm sure it's nothing and it's probably just me doing the exam wrong or something idiotic or who knows what, but with saying things aloud sometimes comes worry and I don't want anyone making a fuss over me.
I do have Cancer in my family, a lot of it.
I've had an aunt pass away from Breast cancer a few years back and well there's always the Ovarian Cancer from Mom, or Esophagus Cancer from Dad.
There's Melanoma from another Uncle and the list goes on.

It''s nothing I'm sure of it.
I'm calling tomorrow and hoping this one clinic takes my insurance so I can go as soon as possible.

My daughter has three days worth of backed up Homework, this has been like the second week in a row where this has happened, I hate when it does.
Her Science Project is due tomorrow, and now I come to find out she has a book report due Friday.
I can't wait for school to be done with.
I will blast "School's Out" by Alice Cooper on her last day!





I'm glad my daughter is back home, I feel somewhat normal when she's here.
I have purpose and more importantly an Instant pick me up.
I can't fake too many smiles when she's around.
I have a splitting headache for most of today, the laxatives are slowly activating.
B/p only once today and I've kept down fruit and a shake.
My weight is embarrassingly too high for my liking. Ed insists we get diet pills and loads of em. Good thing I've been pretty tight these days or that wish would come to fruition.
The homework is done and the project is ready and so is she for tomorrow's presentation.
My daughter made me write down everything I could possibly want for Mother's Day,
I don't know, I don't like to ask for things even if I deserve them, so the most I wrote was a nice bouquet of flowers that are not ROSES blech, I don't care for them, and maybe a cheesecake and a DVD box set if possible of something I like to watch. No biggie I'd be happy with one or all, doesn't matter to me, a simple homemade card would be even better and I know she's making one for me anyways.
How I love my daughter, my little lifesaver. My life would be so different without her in it.

Before I shower later on in the day, there is a knock at my window and it's the UPS man.
A package??

Yes.
My daughter has something for her this time.
It's a backpack!


Eh, no that's not it?
Sorry too much Dora on the brain today. Let's try this again.




Ah that's better!
Yes she has a new backpack.
The very beautiful Blogger Sarah, désespérée de maigrir
"Je voudrais mourir pour être mince" has sent this to us..THANK YOU!!
You're too sweet darling, she loves it so much. She says thanks too and is wearing it tomorrow for school. This has put a smile on this ol' mug of mines.




I'm so sorry your friend Pauline is still missing, I hope she turns up soon safe and well. I can only imagine what you're going through, my prayers are with you and yours..
Stay strong and positive love, I'm sure you'll hear something soon.
Please re post, and get this flyer out there, in hopes something can be done.
If you don't mind I'm posting this on my Twitter feed.


So that's it, going to have some wine to numb my headache then watch something till I fall asleep. I've been sleeping more than I'd like but that's probably a good thing.
Hope you all are well and thanks again for the sweet gift. God bless you sweetie, I hope your friend is okay.

Nite all, let's hope tomorrow is better for us all.


L.


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

*Crickets*

So I'm here, just finished purging and I'm so dizzy.
My heart beat is very slow and I've just drank something sweet in case my sugar is low.
I've taken a few laxatives because my weight is higher than I'd like and it's because I've been eating.
Why am I eating more, I don't know.
God how I wish I weighed less.

My boyfriend just left my house a few hours ago, I feel incredibly lonely now, lonelier than I've felt in a long time.
You get used to company, I forgot what it was like having someone I enjoyed being around. I miss my boyfriend all the time when he's not with me.
I miss the feeling of just being happy.


I can usually deal with it just being being me, but today the silence in my apartment is profound.
So much so I feel like calling my ex so I can get my daughter back a day early.
I won't though, I know she's having a good time with her dad and I won't take that away from her.

So it's just me and Ed again.
How I hate this.

Ed brings me no comfort these days, I despise the thing.
With each passing day that goes by, it makes me more and more aware of where my life is headed if I keep with it.
I'm headed nowhere.
The unhappier I am, the more sick I get.
There are these quotes that I love that can sum up how I feel on most days..

"Better to inflict pain on myself than to let other people do it." –Tracy Thompson

"What do you despise? By this you are truly known." –Frank Herbert, Dune


I can't really explain why I just don't give up Ed and try to get better, maybe it's because I don't know what better is?
Is there such a thing, is anyone truly better off?

Some days I feel like I am just an Eating Disorder,
I can recall less and less a time where I was truly happy and never having known
it.

Pay me no mind, I'm just venting now, I don't like this current mood I'm in but I guess I just have to deal with.

I've finished reading The Wind through the KeyHole, it was a good book, I'm sad that's it's done with, I was wrapped up in that story and now back to the mundane.

Guess I'll go lay down and sleep the rest of Tuesday away.
Take care all


L.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

*yawns* Sunday vlog

How you like dem Apples

Saturday, May 5, 2012

You are what you eat?

Friday, May 4, 2012

Full

Waited all morning to be called in to see my doc for refills.
In the meantime caught up on reading "The wind through the KeyHole."
I had the privilege of sitting next to someone with a bad case of halitosis.
I thought my face would melt off and no matter how much I shifted in my seat and turned away from this man, his breath managed to follow me. I started to get a headache even.

Finally the doc calls me in and I'm asked "How are you doing?"
Such a simple question, I told him all was well in medication land.
I didn't tell him about the more recent panic attacks, I didn't want to hear a lecture so early.
I was dying to get out of there. I took supps and meds this morning, chased it down with a Boost shake and half a banana.
I felt full and uncomfortable.
That feeling would last all day.


Afterwards, I decide to call my ex.
He's in need of a couch for his apartment, it has to be something small, like the couch I own now. He told me last week if I would let him keep the thing, and he would buy me a replacement, I have room for something bigger anyways.
So that's what we did today, I wanted to take him up on the offer while it was still on the table.
I managed to find one I liked and haggled the price from $70 to $50.
Yes always Haggle folks.
A sale is a sale is a sale.
My little beetle is strapped and away we go.
After the couch is set up at my place, my ex husband asks me if I'm doing groceries tomorrow, yes tomorrow is the dreaded Grocery day.

New couch

He wanted to tag along but has to work instead. He asks me if I can do him a little bit of groceries "Not for me, for the baby, you know what she likes."
Yeah that's how he gets my ass, using the kid as a shield.
If my sister found out I was doing him this favor she would bite my head off, I can just hear her now..
"He can afford to buy his own fucking food, he has a job, he shouldn't be mooching off you still, you have no job!"
Yes this is true, I know.
I've never been one to deny anyone food, lord knows I've been wasteful with it seeing as how I dabble in Bulimia every now and again.
Growing up, my Mother didn't like cooking, she would only cook on days she knew my oldest brother (her favorite child) would be off from work, the rest of us had to fend for ourselves.
So I'm not going to start being stingy if I have any kind of means to help anyone, but that's just me. I'm sure my sister makes a valid point, but I'm just a softy I suppose.

So my ex makes a very small list and tomorrow I'll oblige.
I'm not to keen on shopping for food, I have no idea what to buy, I mostly circle the aisles a lot, this is triggering of course, because I start getting things to binge on later whether I decide I'll b/p yet or not.

I've binged a lot today, no purging but ugh how I wish I had. I'm so bloated and uncomfortable, I hate it.
I'm in a relatively good mood, but Ed is there and this is hard.
Will I eat tomorrow, hmm I'm starting to think I've had enough this week.
After I drop my ex off back home, I go buy laxatives.
I've taken two boxes and now wait for the inevitable sick that comes from taking too many. My head throbs in protest and my chest aches something terrible.
My knee hurts a lot today, I didn't get much of a workout which just makes everything worse. I hate these days where there are setbacks.

The only highlight of my day was my daughter. She always manages to keep me distracted and smiling when I don't feel like it.
She loves the new couch, we can both sit comfortably with two furry kitties as well, all of us huddled on this fabric island watching movies. She's happy today and that's a good thing, it makes me feel less pathetic.
I wish I could do more for this kid of mines, she deserves more than what I give her.

Tomorrow Grocery Day, will I b/p?
I don't know, all I know is that I have a weekend full of errands and Science Projects.

This is what we've decided to do the project on.
"Do different types of apples have the same number of seeds?"
Oh Jebus, please let this be simple!

Boo school.
So now I'll google and research, I have to get everything wrapped this week because the following week I need to focus on more important matters like finding a job and getting Dr.'s appointments.
I think I need to see a gyno bad. I'm very curious about something.
I hope I'm wrong and I'm just being a paranoid mental case as usual.

So nite all, back to work.

L.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Back to the grind

Today no b/p.
I can't recall how many days it's been now, I think I don't want to keep track either.
Having a number add up daily will put pressure on me and make me despair if I were to b/p one day again.
I think I need to give myself a break, be my own cheerleader.
I could be doing so much worse but sometimes I don't see it that way, not sometimes, all the time.
I managed to eat today and still feel full immediately afterwards.
 I get so full it's painful almost.
That's triggering to me of course and I'll have the urge to get rid of it, I almost did today but had to tell myself what I ate wasn't much and it was all healthy.

I googled support groups today in my area, almost got discouraged when I couldn't find anything but then found a website that helped some.
imdoc.com has a lot of other useful info, glad I found it.
Now the only thing is I have to call and confirm the group, ask questions and get all the details, you would think it were simple.
The truth is just thinking about calling gives me anxiety, it's not that I don't want to go but it's just sometimes talking to "officials" of any kind makes me panic. I don't know why but it just does.
Hopefully I can work up the nerve to call and find out.

The day has been kinda quiet, my boyfriend had to go back home and I got my daughter back from her dad's.
She had a ton of homework and we still have to get started on another Science project.
I have no idea what I can do it on, I want something ridiculously easy.
You'd think floating an egg in salt water would have gotten her an A but apparently that's not the case.
Maybe her next project should be "How long can I stare at an Egg??"

Her dad and I are still getting along, he's been in such a good mood and I'm ever so grateful. I have to deal with this man for another 11yrs, that's a long time to shoot the shit.

I have my Dr.'s appointment tomorrow morning for refills on all my meds.
The next day I'll get started on project and then try the job hunt again.
It's a new month and more mini goals to accomplish.

I hope to find work, being broke all the time sucks.
If I don't find something soon, I'll resort to selling fruit on intersections lol.
Or maybe get a hot dog cart?

Hmm food (boo) for thought.
My weight is awful, I actually didn't weigh myself all day but the bloat is apparent, painfully so.
Talk about food baby indeed, I look about four months along. I couldn't tell you who the father is, could be anyone, Boost, Ensures, Chiquita bananas..I've been around these days :(

I have a dilemma, since I'm so used to laxatives, I have to find another source of relief.
I would do an enema or something but all of those things will just trigger me to abuse. I have to find something that can get me regular without it feeling like behaviours.

I still have Ed in my ear, 20lbs is all it wants.
I hate that I want it too, I can't for obvious reasons, my health has been deteriorating much these days.
My hair still is falling out, that's a huge sign that my insides are suffering bad.
I tried to pee today and nothing, was in the loo for what felt like 5 minutes just trying, the urge so strong but nothing, then finally release. I actually did a cheer lol.
Hmm must be my prostate acting up again j/k.
Its the ol kidneys of course, I should take better care of myself, but I would have to actually love myself first for that to even happen.
I don't think I have a UTI  but then again what the fuck do I know anyways.
I pretend to think I'm in control but I'm obviously out of control.

So I think that's it, chatting with my favorite niece, she wants to skype on Saturday so we can workout together, I agreed but the more I think about it the more I don't want to.
I'm in my own little world when I work out, and I go for a long time where as my niece just started working out and can only do so much taking plenty of breaks.
Ah #ED problems..

Well goodnight all, tomorrow is another day and another fight.

L.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

You sure about this?

So today has been a very happy day for me, my boyfriend is at my place.
I've missed him terribly, having him around is therapeutic.
I don't fret about my Ed so much. I try not to eat sure, but not today.
He was sweet enough to bring me a 6pk of Boost and a little bit of groceries, things he thinks would be safe foods for me. Even going so far as to bring me supplements that can help put back all the essentials I purge out.
I adore him for that, he makes me very happy.

I had shakes today and just now actual food, even dessert.

The bowls I serve myself in are very small, they're not even children's plate, more like baby bowls, but I can measure what I can allow myself that way.


My daughter helped bake and frost a cake, she always wants to help me in the kitchen especially when it comes to baking anything. So here it is, it's not the prettiest thing, but it taste great..




So I decided to eat today.
My boyfriend eats too at my little dining table and I stay in the kitchen eating out of sight. I don't feel comfortable yet to eat in front of him, no not yet.

I had a small slice of cake and a glass of milk too.
I just took two Ranitidine which will help me with the heartburn that is sure to hit me later.

How do I feel now?
I'm literally shaking, I'm a ball of nerves. I feel like I want to cry even.
I feel full even though I just ate a little. It's all in my head of course.
I have to take deep breaths and try to relax.
It's just food, this won't kill me. I have to train my body to relax after eating instead of immediately running to get rid of it. It's a habit like breathing or blinking, it's just something that comes to me.
One day I'll be able to not feel like this but as for today I have to just endure. I'll bloat soon I know which just makes everything more triggering, but tomorrow I won't be bloated. I have to keep rationalizing everything so I can stand it otherwise the Ed will get me and I'm no better off than when I first started.

I honestly don't know how people do this, how do they eat and not go into a panic?
Are they not aware of what food can do?
Maybe I'm too aware and that's the problem. Maybe I should think less.

I'm going to have a bubble bath later with my honey and a glass of wine.
Ed can take a hike today, I'm tired of it stealing time away from me. I waste so much energy giving into it or fighting it off, I'm just about ready to scream.

I want to just have a day where I can be like everyone else. If I'm ever going to get better I have to start somewhere.
No purging today, I'm keeping my food baby.



L.


Eat

So I've not b/p in like 3 days.
Today I had to see my ex and help him fill out and mail his insurance refund claim.
According to him, he'll give me half of his earnings for doing him the favor.
Afterwards we headed to a store I know to shop for my daughter's Cowboy attire for her upcoming school play in May.
I managed to find her a plaid shirt, blue jeans and a pair of boots for a mere 11$.
My ex wanted breakfast next and so we headed to a restaurant we've been going to since we first started dating several years ago.
It's been pouring rain here nonstop and I love it. This weather is ideal for sleeping which I so desperately am in need of.
Inside the restaurant, a dry port in the rainy stormy weather, breakfast was a must.

The ol' ball and chain ordered a breakfast platter which consisted of coffee, fries, eggs, ham, bacon, toast and a piece of roasted pork.
I had two eggs over easy and unlimited coffee refills.
My ex kept insisting we split the meal or I eat more but I told him I was okay and today was not a good day for me Ed wise, I really didn't want to eat.

I weighed this morning and I hate the number.
Oh lordy do I hate it.
Ed screams at me it's time to lose more weight, twenty pounds please, we can do that easy.
Every fiber in my being wants this.
Is it healthy?  No.
Is it ideal? No.
Will it make me happy? Probably not.
Sure I'll feel amazing if I were to lose X amount of desired weight, but then I wouldn't be happy at that weight either and the dirty irrational cycle would start all over again.

So my weight is up and I've been eating and not purging.
My stomach hurts so much and I have heartburn out of this world, the headaches come and so do the aches in my chest.
I haven't been laxing, although my non bowl movements would indicate that I would need to soon.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I don't want to gain weight, the thing scares me so much I feel like crying just thinking about it.

I'm so tired all the time now, my erratic sleep patterns are finally catching up to me.
I don't sleep until sunrise and then I drag along all day, maybe even having a cat nap here and there.

Every time I eat, the full feeling suffocates me and I start to panic.
I sometimes wonder who am I doing all of this for?

Tomorrow is Tuesday and I get to have a sleepover with my boyfriend.
Whenever he's around, the Ed is muted.
Yeah I don't eat around him yet, but it's mostly because I get sick afterwards.
I don't want to ruin the time we have together with this awful burden of mines.

I was thinking the other day about how lonely I actually am, I have my daughter but on days she's not around I find myself confused and feeling inadequate, what exactly am I supposed to be doing with my time now?

Sometimes I think maybe I hold onto my Ed for the simple feeling of company, of not feeling so alone, does that even make sense?

Today is a bad body image day for me, I don't like what I see at all.
I asked my ex to be honest and tell me if I've gained weight, in which he responded you look better?
Hmm.
What on Earth does that mean?
I take it as a yes.
He's never been subtle with words but still, they seem to be all the wrong ones for me.

I managed to read some today, more of "The Wind Through The KeyHole."
I'm alone in the house and there is a part of the story that is scaring me a bit so I've had to put the book down till daylight, the last thing I need when I do sleep is nightmares.

So that's it going to stay up for a bit and hope to fall asleep later.
Take care all..

L.