Last day of this horrible year, what does the next one hold for me?
More loss, death?
Misery, Hospitalization perhaps.
I don't know and that's okay. I think that I'm never given more than I can handle everyday; maybe there will be better up ahead, things that I have been waiting on, promises fulfilled.
Tonight there's a parade Downtown and I've been invited, I declined of course because I'm just too depressed, have been from the moment I woke up. The crying fits come and go.
My sister called me earlier, the caller Id showed she was calling from her house number, my heart breaks when I see her number now. My sister would always call me from her cell, my uncle was the only one to call me from the house. Its a sad reminder now. Makes me cry.
I really want to feel more festive but I just can't.
My treadmill is dead and I can't even work out today, makes me feel more depressed, what am I going to do if I can't jog anymore?
My husband seeing me in this state does whatever he can to get me out of it.
In the car now as he turns the ignition, my car won't start..
Great I'm cursed, is there nothing that will go my way.
The battery is new?
Finally after and hour or so and lots of tinkering under the hood-it starts.
We can't cut the car off because it may not start back up again. We head to the Vitamin Shoppe so I can buy Calcium and Gummy Vitamins for my daughter. The weather is nice today, slightly tolerable. We then head to Dunkin Donuts where I'm craving the largest cup of coffee possible.
Sweet coffee how I needed some.
When I woke up this morning, the sadness out trumped the craving to b/p.
I was ambivalent on the matter later on still.
"What are you making for dinner?" my husband asks softly staring onto traffic.
I don't know. It doesn't matter.
He suggests Pizza so I won't have to cook.
Cici's Pizza was close by and 3 for 10$ pizzas and cinnamon rolls it was.
Now there was no choice but to b/p. The menu had been set, how could I possibly say no to that.
On the drive home, he stops by a little market and gets me Power Ade zero and two laxatives. I didn't even have to ask, he got me banana's too. Looks like the evening is very well planned out.
Turning the corner close to my house there is a woman having a make shift yard sale, and that's when I see it.
Its a beautiful iron Twin frame, looks like a princess bed.
I tell him to stop the car so I could ask the price on it, I imagine something along the lines of fifty dollars or so.
I was wrong, the woman wanted only 25$ for it.
"It's nice should we get it?" My husband smiles at me, trying his best to get me out of this dark mood.
I nod my head yes.
The iron frame just needs a coat of paint, its easily disassembled and loaded onto my little car's hood.
My daughter is excited, exclaiming how beautiful it is.
We unload it and drag it up three flights of stairs to the apartment.
It took some tries but finally it was put back together and setup.
I look at it in awe and take it as a good omen. How often do you come across something you had no idea you wanted or were looking for.
I'm trying to feel better, the binging is helping some.
I really hope I can stop all of this for the New Year, start differently.
My birthday is in March and I would love to reach my goal by then, I refuse to turn 30 and be stuck at an unhappy weight.
I don't know if I should make any? Would I stick to them?
Possible resolutions..if I can do any one of these then I've succeeded.
♥Try new things.
♥Start Therapy and be honest in therapy.
♥Find a job any job!
♥Be more Independent.
♥Learn to love myself.
♥Be open to the possibility that someone out there may fall for me and that would be okay, love is not scary.
♥Keep people around me that mean something and are there for me, get rid of the ones that are unreliable and trigger me.
♥Be more girly.
♥Stop the Bulimia!!
♥Make new friends.
♥Finish my Novel!
♥Stop Procrastinating lol.
♥Reach the weight that makes me happy and maintain.
♥Be heard, voice my concerns and opinions more!
♥Stop being so scared of everything going wrong.
♥Take down some bricks from these walls I've built for myself every time something major has happened.
♥Allow people in, its okay to let others get close to me.
♥Go back to school; learn a trade, put some of this additional cooking and baking talent I have to good use!
......aaaaaand I think that's it!
Don't wanna raise the bar too much, next year I'll be looking at this and wondering WTF was I thinking!
So now I'm done with the final purge of 2010. I was going to lax and go to bed early, but as I was on FaceBook and everyone is getting into the mood, I'm slowly thawing.
I'd love to have some of you as friends on Facebook, been thinking about adding a profile badge on this blog, whatcha guys think?
Okay so Wine is in the freezer and in a minute going to hop in the shower and wash my hair, maybe throw on some lip gloss and a nice shirt. I think I should just try to be a tad bit positive, I've been sad all day, maybe I can get some sleep tonight finally.
I hope everyone is enjoying the end of the year, its gone and with it all the mistakes and tragedies, broken hearts, unrequited loves, one sided friendships, weight gain and money woes.
Tomorrow is another day to start over with each of our goals and resolutions.
Happy New Year to you all my lovelies, thank you for following me and reading along my journey.
Please be safe tonight and I will write again tomorrow, maybe another resolution of mines will be to try to be more cheerful in this blog, my poor followers I feel as though my rants are so miserable you will all hang yourselves in protest!
So sorry for that, if I had a more exciting life then I'd write about that.
Who knows maybe the rest of my fortune from my tarot reading will come to pass:
✯Loss, Sorrow (my uncle's death; I didn't think this prophecy would hit so close to home.)
✯Wishes fulfilled; I would be getting everything I was hoping for
✯An older woman was suppose to help me with something? (idk who that could be?)
✯A woman wishing the worst for me (some Lou hater out there, I'm sure there are plenty!)
✯Love; there's a man I'm suppose to meet who will try to get into my heart, he will be the one to bring me back to life again..(I'm hopeful for this one)
Oh man the last one makes me nervous, I honestly can't imagine what any man would see in me. I'm so not ready for romance, I wouldn't even know how to date again. Yikes!
I'm going to be open to the possibility that good things can happen to me.
So that's it for tonight, HNW again, see you all in 2011..
|Lou and Lil Miss B. wish you A Happy New Year!!|