Friday, September 27, 2013
Hi guys, I'm really doing bad now, am having to blog from phone, have no internet whatsoever.. I'm uber depressed and my health is decling.
I'm sorry but it looks like I want be vlogging for a long time.
I'll post here when I can.
I'm still hanging in there although common sense would tell me to just give up already.
Pray for me, because frankly nothing about my life surprises me anymore and that just means I've just about stopped caring.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I'm sorry if yesterday's post scared some of you.
I'm so sorry for that.
I've just been having a horrible time with my depression and eating disorder.
Both things have just been draining me of any iota of self control and will.
I was very drunk last night and venting, not too mention actually writing.
I've had horrible writers block so I think I got carried away last night.
I apologize again.
I promise although am having suicidal thoughts, I promised a lot of important people in my life that I would never entertain those thoughts again.
I'm just very exhausted and overwhelmed, life keeps handing me tests that I just don't have the answers to.
"I realized that I had granted my illness lordship over me. In viewing my depression as a despot subjecting me to its savage fancies, I was able to escape responsibility, to indulge fully my selfish desire to let my ego flourish unfettered, not obliged to anyone. But this wasn’t freedom. It was a prison—a cell separating me from those who cared for me and for whom I might have cared." –Eric G. Wilson, Everyone Loves a Good Train Wreck: Why We Can’t Look Away
So let me tell you a little bit about my day.
Getting dressed was horrid this morning. For the first time in all my pharmacy life, I wore a dress to work.
It wasn't that I wore it to feel extra pretty, girlie or any other reason one might dress up at work. It was because I couldn't stand the constriction of tight shirts and pants.
I knew this dress isn't tight and it doesn't accentuate any lines on my now bloated body. Even still as I wore it and had about five minutes left before I headed out the door, I wanted to take it off again.
I felt like I was wearing a tent.
My breasts were embarrassingly spilling out of it, obscene almost. My new body has been filling out in all those womanly places like your hips, tits, thighs and ass.
It draws more attention lately and that might be nice on most days but that's also a spotlight on me and all those other places that make me want to hide.
My face is rounder, my stomach no matter what I wear hangs over anything.
My collar bones are disappearing. God, all these things scare me more than a burglar or horror flick.
I don't know what confidence is anymore.
I don't know how to look in the mirror and turn away from shame.
I know some of you will disagree and tell me how beautiful I still am, I wish I could just snatch your mirror away and stare into it and hope even for a mere second to see the same thing.
After wearing this blue dress I start to walk to work, its overcast and on the verge of raining. I have to work two stores today.
The first store I get in and work with preggers who I just adore. She's the best boss I've ever had in all my years working.
I don't even punch in yet and she's already too busy so I immediately help her, getting to work a few minutes early is always helpful.
We have a new outside vendor or "Cardinal" delivery man who doesn't speak English and frankly doesn't know what he's doing most of the time, preggers doesn't like him so I solely deal with him. We bond in our inexperience and at times confusion over pharmacy tasks.
I punch in minutes later and start my busy day.
I've had horrible customers over the phone today, random rude people in the morning which just makes me sad. How can anyone be so angry before 11 am?
At some point in time I notice preggers is on the pharmacy corporate website, she's telling me that she's handing out points. Points are given to employees based on their work, if you actually rack enough points you can redeem them for all sorts of fun prizes like gift card, electronics etc.
I've only received a full 20pts in my other store.
But preggers todays awarded me 2500 points based on my Customer service and work performance!
God bless her she's so kind.
It's inspiring to work now, I feel so different compared to a few months ago where things were so up in the air.
I've come so far I no longer question what am I doing here? anymore...
I belong here, I can do this job.
My shift ends and I have to go help out Dragon who's in the other pharmacy that's ten minutes away.
I stop by 7-11 first; I get an iced coffee for me then buy her a glazed donut; she loves those things.
I also buy a hot dog and a chocolate boston creamed filled one for me. I sit outside for a bit and eat the hot dog.
Hot dogs are safe sometimes so I eat.
When I head into the pharmacy Dragon lights up seeing me and invades my personal space to huddle next to me while I fill her in on kooky customers and my day so far. I think she and I will actually become real good friends. I no longer see her as a Dragon even, more like a comrade in arms as she is on my side really. We start to eat our donuts and then it gets awkward as she talks about how fat she is which she is not, I'd say she weighs about 115lbs.
Talking with someone about weight who's trying to battle an Ed is so fucking triggering. I actually didn't encourage her outlandish complaints, instead merely started changing the topic of conversation.
The day with her is slow and boring, We start reading magazines at some point and laughing at a customer who I spoke to on the phone. This man's only RX is Cialis, so he very shyly refills it not willing to even say its name lol.
I bust his chops of course asking all kinds of questions.
Four o'clock rolls around and I have to go much to Dragon's disappointment.
I'll see her tomorrow I think.
I walk back home in a hurry because my ex has my daughter and has to go to work.
Once I get home my daughter wants dinner.
I ask her about her day as I make tuna sandwiches for dinner. Her reading teacher says she needs to focus more in class. I told my daughter to shape up. I won't have a repeat of the last school year.
Unfortunately I've binged on sandwiches but it was only once and I didn't take laxatives.
The rest of the day in on the couch watching The L Word season 6, it's final season by the way.
As the night approaches that familiar calling of drinking hits me.
I'm out of smokes so head to 7-11 to buy more.
I want to cross the street to the Walgreens and get another bottle of wine but I'm actually so embarrassed because I've been going there so much to just buy booze.
So instead I buy my smokes at 7-11 and a bottle of beer.
I drink too much lately but I just don't know anything else.
It's all become some sort of routine now, work, b/p, drink, smoke, cry.
How can I stop it?
There are no support groups for Ed's here only one very far away in a church of all places that my boyfriend found online.
I've even thought about just googling an AA meeting just to be surrounded by people who drank as much as me and felt just as horrible by hurting others with their behavior.
Maybe I could do that. Maybe that could curb the weekday drinking I don't know.
I've spoken to my boyfriend again, although he's super sorry for making continuous mistakes with his ex girlfriend he seems genuine in his apology and wants to work things out.
"There’s no me if there’s no me and you." –Joseph Arthur, “Ashes Everywhere”
I love him I do. A huge part of me screams end this, go pick up the shattered pieces of your heart off the floor, someone out there has the tools to mend it.
I just can't.
I can't imagine going on feeling this sadness, its too much to bear.
So I'll stay and try to fix this. Give it another try, hope that the trust and respect can be won again. That maybe all this isn't for naught.
We are meant to stick by each other.
Maybe I owe us another chance, should give him/us that.
This is his first serious relationship and we all make mistakes.
I know I always need second chances and lord knows I grant everyone it.
I just have to hope that this will work itself and if it doesn't? I guess that's just another lesson to learn.
Like my beautiful friend so poetically put it..."You're just not ready to let him go, when you've had enough you always do."
I can't drive anywhere anymore so he'll just have to come see me on weekends if that's the case.
I guess we just have to communicate and if he truly loves me like he says then he will stop taking me for granted.
So now what's next?
Well this week that's not over entails more work at the pharmacy possible double shifts again since the tech who I've been filling in for has renal failure...
I'll have extra hours and that's always good since I have so many upcoming expenses.
The rest of the week will mean spending time with my daughter, trying to survive and deal with this current violent bout of depression.
Spend more time with my boyfriend and try to look at him again like I used to or at least allow him the opportunity to not take me for granted anymore.
Thank you all once again for listening to this sad girl..
Some of have reached out to me here on blog but if you wish to reach me at a more personal level then by all means do, email me at email@example.com and I'll give you my number so we can text.
I haven't given up yet, nor will I ever be doing so, but sometimes
I'm just too sad for my own good...
I hated being depressed, but it was also in depression that I learned my own acreage, the full extent of my soul.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I've had some sleep last nigh until laxatives decided to kick in and kick my ass.
I tossed and turned rest of night.
I was in a fetal position thanks to my two cats who insisted on boxing me in to their comfort.
I love them but sometimes they are like those bad roommates who play music too loud and leave their underwear everywhere.
I started to drift off again around 5:30 am...
I had a weird dream about being in the Big Brother house and starting a "showmance' with Mccray the slacker long haired pizza boy who kinda looks like that actor from 500 Days of Summer Joseph something.
Anyways the dream took a weird turn as I dreamt my boyfriend's ex girlfriend was in the house too with him, and I made her cry because she had the nerve to call me a slut.
He was trying to explain to her that he loves me and wants to marry me and have babies. Then she had a bestfriend who was Tom from the Lword..
Omigosh; I can't escape this bitch even in my dreams.
Anyways walked to work this morning in the rain, I was dead tired and sleepy.
Picked up some menus from cafeteria's downtown for my preggers pharmacist who eats for two, picked up this one menu from a place she's always ordering from.
I punch into work and have to wear that big long sleeved lab coat that I hate cos mines is still dirty.
I hand her the menu's and she's like great, "we're ordering breakfast from there right now, what do you want to get?"
I dunno what's all this we business but looks like I had no choice in the matter.
Eating breakfast was inevitable.
I tried to pay for our breakfast and she refused.
Work was busy but okay, nothing I couldn't handle.
The other pharmacist from the pharmacy I park my car in calls to ask me can I work there tomorrow, I tell her yes but only from 12:30-4pm.
She's so grateful.
My preggers calls her back and tells her to stop trying to steal me away lol.
I can't tell you what a joy work is now compared to the other store where I wasn't appreciated and overworked.
The other tech gets to work and she's in a better mood, I think whatever personal reasons for her recent attitude have been resolved and I'm happy.
I like her a lot.
I walk back home having to borrow an umbrella from work because it's raining again. I feel bloated Fuck.
I can't believe this shit. How the fuck am I supposed to lose weight if I'm always shoveling shit down my throat.
Laxatives are still active and I need to poop asap.
God it feels like the walk home never bloody ends!
I finally make it home sweaty, triggered and tired.
Behaviors all day folks.
I am so depressed and sad, lonely too.
I dozed off on my couch due to massive headache from purging.
Oh my lovelies how I wish some of you could comfort me.
I feel like I'm flailing.
I feel so outta control with my Ed.
Everyday it takes more from me.
I've been drinking every night now too.
My skin is so dry and riddled with bruises, my hair is falling out everywhere.
I'm bloated from booze and purging.
I cry every morning in the shower.
I dread getting dressed.
It's the saddest thing ever
God I feel so miserable I wish I were dead.
I don't care anymore, I don't want to be here anymore.
I wish I were somewhere else.
I feel like a fool, someone who's taken for granted.
I feel like a loser.
The drinking unfortunately helps and hinders me.
It helps in the sense I no longer feel sad, I feel numb.
It hinders me the next day as I am hungover.
The alcohol helps me sleep, helps ED shut the fuck up, helps me just tune out everything.
I hate this body, hate this weight.
I love you all and the support you give me, but God forgive me, I'm ready to check out of this life.
I love my daughter and all, but she will survive without me.
I no longer feel there is really anything around to keep me here.
I'm tired of lies, tired of being ignored, tired of one sided friendships, tired of people that are so pathetic they don't even have a title to me.
I'm finding it harder to stick around.
Sometimes I just don't care about how sad you'd be if I "died."
I'm not a good person, I'm selfish, self indulgent, vain, weak, stupid.
The world moves on.
My pitiful exit wouldn't be so earth shattering.
There are other blogs, other sick women.
My story is the same as theirs.
I don't matter..trust Me!
I'm a pathetic drunk who doesn't eat, simple as that.
I've been noticing the category some have placed me in.
They overlook the depressed, sexually abused, raped individual who doesn't want to eat. To they just want you to be okay because "Then every thing can just go back to Normal."
No, that's all set aside, in addition to someone who can't trust anyone's word.
I've yet to find lover who actually loves me so much I'm worth it.
No, instead I am a stupid cow who forgives and can be treated any kind of way, I can be lied to, and fooled.
I'm an idiot. People do me like shit because I'm so "Nice."
I don't matter, I ain't worth shit.
If I were someone special I would be treated as such.
Instead am someone so pathetic would just let any scumbags back into my life to lie to me some more. I've cut out a lot of bullshit out my life but if I seriously wanted too, would cut out some more. A lot of people are still allowed to know of me because I grant them that. They are unworthy of course, but sometimes am so lonely I can't tell the difference apparently.
I am flailing.
I am tired.
I am sad.
I don't want to live.
I don't want recovery
I don't want weight gain.
I don't want this body.
I don't want to be cheated on.
I don't want to be lied to.
I don't want to feel foolish.
I don't want to be judged at my lowest point because lord knows I didn't judge you in all your patheticness...
I want what I deserve.
I want it now...
Thursday, September 5, 2013
I'm mixing up my days and the lack of bleach on my roots is affecting my train of thought.
I think Monday's holiday has thrown my work week in a loop.
So let's go back because I'm still living in the past.
Monday I'm off unfortunately, the pharmacy was open but the company decided to only pay the pharmacist or (Rph) to work that day and not pay the two techs that would come in to help. I was counting on time and a half that day to help with my very shitty last few paychecks.
Tuesday was the day to head back to work but I woke up feeling sick from too many laxatives and getting soaked in the rain from the day before. I was sleep deprived and overall didn't want to come into work.
I call out to my preggers boss and she tells me it's okay. The day after Holidays are very slow. To keep her posted on rest of work week.
I don't do much on Tuesday, it's so uneventful I can't even recall right now what I did, I'm sure it involved me bp a lot and taking more laxatives.
I'm sure a nap and some crying are thrown in there for good measure too.
I head back to work Wednesday and I am all kinds of confused because I thought it was actually Thursday and kept thinking that the who bloody day. I forgot the main bridge I take in the Morning's was closed for construction so I had to drive through gridlock and take a detour to work but get there on time.
I drag at work constantly yawning and trying to fake smiles and laughs for the outside world.
I'm happy to report a small victory for me concerning the Fun House Garage. Guess what, the front gate is always open now, they've moved the Valet booth to the top of the Garage, no more peeping camera guys watching me fall down stairs or push intercom buttons for doors to open. When I head home there's a side door I've discovered that's always unlocked so now I can head upstairs to the Elevators in peace. The Fun House Garage is just a garage again. Work is getting better and better.
At some point in time as I'm typing an Rx for a customer my preggers boss tells me that she's getting a text from this trainer, we'll call her Two-face. Why Two-face because that's the vibe I get from her. From what I hear through the grapevine this trainer may have had a hand in my being fazed from the schedule from my original Home Store. I heard she may have said "she's just not cutting it" when referring to why my hours got cut all together.
Two-face has been trying to pimp me out to other stores although now thank God almighty I have a somewhat set schedule to work again, yes it's everyday and only for three hours a day and yes I have to park in another garage now altogether but it's steady work. I can float if I want, it's no longer a dire need.
Two-face has been very curious as to my "schedule" at this new store I'm working at Downtown. My preggers boss tells me if I wanna work two days out the week somewhere else she would understand, but I don't to be honest, I love this new store I'm at, I love my coworkers, I love the environment, but most of all I love that I'm actually not hating what I do when I work there.
So Wednesday Two-face texts my Boss to see if I will go work at this other store right after I'm done with my shift, from what I can summarize from her tone, she's not asking. Now there's one thing to know about Lou, and that is You Can't Make Me Do shit if I don't wanna. I don't care who you are.
Preggers, sweet, beautiful, considerate baby Incubator that she is actually asks me "So what do you wanna do, cos Two-face wants you at another store today, do you wanna stay two more extra hours today here? I can tell her that if you don't want to go over there, or if you do I can tell her that too?"
I tell her I want to stay.
So the rest of my very confusing Wednesday continues...
My preggers boss is always Hungry, so she wants to buy lunch for the tech that can guess the famous phrase to a onesie she bought online for her baby.
She asks the other tech first, to which I reply that's fine, Age before beauty!
The tech doesn't get it, her response is "Is it from the movie Babe?"
Preggers shows me the picture and the little shirt says this... "You Remind me of the Babe" I immediately smile and say it's from the movie Labyrinth!
"Yes!" she squeals in delight. "Lou get's a bagel!"
In all fairness she buys lunch for us all. I love my Boss, it's hard to believe she was once as bad as Stick in the Ass.
So I eat a Garlic Bagel. I eat it while she plays songs from the movie to which she and I sing along. "Dance Magic dance!"
I get the inventory order day wrong and my boss corrects me which I found odd because I felt so certain I was right.
Then surprise, surprise, my Older Mechanic brother comes into the pharmacy with his wife just to say hi to his little tech sister and see me in action. He lingers around the store, when other employees ask if he needs help he says "No, I'm just here to admire the midget" which would be me lol. I had to tell people we were related before it got weird.
My brother distracting me didn't help matters because at some point I was pulling prescriptions for a patient and was wildly looking for a missing one that was guess where...in my hand already.
The patient had a good laugh and I apologized and blamed it on the blonde hair.
I'm glad I stayed the extra hours because it got busy.
When I get home my ex tells me that Thursday my daughter has no school, Teacher's planning Day...I thought he meant next Thursday but he's like NO tomorrow.
I panicked for a second but remembered that he doesn't work till five so he could babysit in the morning.
So I spent last night writing a little, I finished Chapter 9 in my book and started chapter 10.
Chapter 10 is written in the POV (point of view) from a male's perspective so there were so questions I needed answered, I quickly text and called all my male constituents and got feedback. Hope I do the male character justice and if I don't who cares, its my book and I can write whatever I want.
Today is THURSDAY.
I drop my daughter off at my Ex's and drive to work but there is no Gridlock so I'm incredibly early at work. I head to 7-11 and get coffee, as I'm paying I grab a Galzed Doughnut because today folks, I work with the Dragon.
I want her happy today because I'm just too tired and confused from dream filled sleep from the night before. I actually dreamt with my dead mother last night, I was in tears begging her to help me forget about a man who's crossed me, to which she's actually agreed.
Dragon is good to me today as a matter of fact work is great!
I helped two customers today, the first was a man who I helped yesterday who came back and needed more pills and cream because he was going on Vacation, I told him I would call his insurance and see if I could get an override. I did and I called him, he was very happy with me. The second was an older woman who I helped too much. She wanted to call corporate and tell them what great Customer Service I gave her.
The day was Good, Dragon and I talked all day, well she talked I listened and pretended everything she said was just riveting.
She loved her donut too, almost drooled on herself ala Homer Simpson.
I get a text from my kid's Godmother to stop by after work so I do. My ex decides to keep my daughter till almost four.
I see my friend today and get my complete printed out Novel. I'm so happy. It's amazing and inspiring to see it all in print like that, like a real published book.
She also tells me she's going to sell Amway products. For $163.00 I can be my own Boss too and sell all kinds of products ranging from jewelry, vitamins, clothing etc.
It sounds great but who will buy it?
Will you all buy from me if I ventured into such an endeavor?
My friend also drops a huge bomb on me.
"Promise me" is how she starts to tell me something and hoping my reaction isn't catastrophic.
"You've gained weight. Your face is fuller."
I smile and try not to cry in front of her.
I do a good job but inside I'm a mess.
I'm a fat stupid bitch :(
She's not being mean, she means it as a positive thing, like maybe I'm getting better.
I go home finally after revamping her blog and meet my ex and get my kid.
The rest of my day consists of me crying my eyes out and punching my stomach and slapping my full face. I've taken laxatives and cried. Oh how I cry.
Now I'm just spent.
I know she meant it as a compliment, she's coming from a loving place and for that I forgive her. She's been my "safe harbor" as she puts it many times when referring to my Eating Disorder, she doesn't tell me to eat something or criticize me. I know she means well but I'm just to sick to comprehend that.
I'm so mentally deranged that I have accepted that I may never recover and that this ED will be the end of me.
I will die in a tragic misunderstood way from it. Whether in my sleep from binging on alcohol and nothing more, a heart attack or stomach rupture. God, there are so many colorful ways to go.
I've had this burden for such a long time, I don't know who I am without it.
All I know today is that I've gained about twenty pounds and hate myself.
All I know today is that I am no longer a negative zero.
All I know today is that my clothes are tighter.
All I know today is that my collar bones are disappearing, and my hip and ribcage aren't protruding, my thighs touch.
All I know today is that I'm not that cold all the time.
All I know today is that I miss being so completely consumed by losing weight that I can't see the Forest from the trees.
Stepping on the scale
Praying I lost weight
The number that the scale tells me
Determines my fate
I lost five pounds
Only twenty more to go
I promise I'll stop then
But you don't think so
Do aerobics at 5:00am
Then at one and eight
Desparately trying to get rid of
This fat body that I hate
Breakfast I don't eat
Lunch a piece of bread
Dinner I'll feed the toilet monster
Tomorrow's meals I dread
I ate seven meals this week
But I didn't keep them down
Step on the scale again
I lost ten more pounds
Counting fat and calories
In everything I eat
I can't go over my limit
This goal I have to meet
Four hours of aerobics a day
Won't stop until I fall
But there is nothing to worry about
I have control over it all
I'm sick of people worrying about me
Thinking that I'll die
Because everything is under control
I wish they would not cry
I reached my goal weight
But I can lose some more
You're getting terrified
I don't know what for
Everything is under control
Everything is fine
But everyone I talk to
They just say I'm lying
I swear I'm okay
I really am fine
But today my doctor told me
I am slowly dying
Why doesn't he believe me
I really am okay
I really have control
At least it started out that way
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Others: I love you.
"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your places
in the family of things." — 'Wild Geese' by Mary Oliver
"I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more.
I know I deserve more." — Michelle K., I Know I Deserve More.
I know it hurts. I know it doesn’t feel good.
I know your hunger is different than mine.
I know it doesn’t taste the same as mine.
imagine you could grow up all over again
and pinpoint the millisecond that you started
counting calories like casualties of war,
mourning each one like it had a family.
sometimes I wonder that.
sometimes I wonder if you would go back
and watch yourself reappear and disappear right in front of your own eyes.
and I love you so much.
I am going to hold your little hand through the night.
just please eat. just a little.
you wrote a poem once,
about a city of walking skeletons.
the teacher called home because you
told her you wished it could be like that
let me tell you something about bones, baby.
they are not warm or soft.
the wind whistles through them like they are
holes in a tree.
and they break, too. they break right in half.
they bruise and splinter like wood.
are you hungry?
I know. I know how much you hate that question.
I will find another way to ask it, someday.
I know they are all yelling at you to stretch yourself thinner.
l hear them counting, always counting.
I wish I had been there when the world made you
snap yourself in half.
I would have told you that your body is not a war-zone,
it is okay leave your plate empty." -Empty plate | Caitlyn Siehl
The week begins for me later than usual, the scheduled hours keep moving around so now I'll go in this week at 10 instead of 9. The ex...