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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Sudsy Saturday

Friday, March 30, 2012

Sun Kissed Friday

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Anxious Much

I recently had an anxiety attack at a friend's house. I tried to calm down as much as I could before resorting to the Buspar. I've been pretty good lately at managing my panic without medications. Sometimes the Buspar is a preventative if I have a little inkling that I may be incredibly nervous and uncomfortable in a situation, and sometimes the Buspar is only taken once the attack is in effect and I don't think I can calm down sufficiently.
I'm trying to ween myself of off meds unless absolutely necessary. I don't want to depend solely on them.  What if one day the insurance rug is pulled out from under me, what then?
 I'd have to start from scratch all over again.
How I dealt with my little episode that day was to go for a walk. I like walking, it helps clear out all the bullshit. Being alone and lost in thought is sometimes what I need to get back to normal.
I'm very moody at times but I find my way back.
 Eating Disorders and Anxiety go hand in hand.
For the non insured/non prescription pill taking Lovelies, maybe you can apply some of these strategies to your own lives.


Twelve Ways to Manage Anxiety

1. Recognize the Reptilian Brain

 A therapist named Elvira Aletta gives a brilliant neuropsychology lesson in one of her posts where she explains the two parts of our brain. The first is the primitive part, containing the amygdala, which is responsible for generating and processing our fear and other primal emotions. The second part is our frontal lobes, the neocortex, or the newest part of our brain, which is sophisticated, educated, and is able to apply a bit of logic to the message of raw fear that our reptilian brain generates.

Why is this helpful? When you feel that knot in my stomach that comes with a message that I am unloved by the world,  try to envision a Harvard professor, or some intellectual creature whacking a reptile on the head with a book, saying something like "Would you please just evolve, you overly dramatic creature?"

2. Exaggerate Your Greatest Fear

I know this doesn't seem like a good idea, but truly it works.Tell your fear to someone else and make sure to be as dramatic as possible, with very descriptive words and emotions. Then, when you've told every detail you can think of, start over again. Tell the entire, dramatic story, again with very elaborate descriptions. By the third or fourth time, it becomes a bit "silly."

For example if I were diabetic, I'd tell say my sister this:
 I'm afraid that my leg will have to be amputated, and then I won't be able to drive a car with one leg, and because of that no one will date me and I will be a single, lonely old woman with one leg. Funny stuff, right.

3. Distract, Distract, Distract

"Distract, don't think."
Stay away from the self-help books and to work on a word puzzle or watch a movie instead, and to surround yourself with people as much as possible.

When I reach a point of disabling anxiety, it's more beneficial for me to try to get out of my head as much as possible. I agree with step 3 very much.

4. Write Twin Letters

A Fresh Living blogger named Holly Lebowitz Rossi offers a smart strategy for anxiety in her post about cold feet:
"Compose a love letter to your object of feet-chill [or fear]. Celebrate all of the reasons you fell in love with him/her/it in the first place. List everything positive you can think of, and nothing negative. Now write a missive. Vent all of your worries about the situation, and try to make a case against moving forward. I'll bet you can't come up with a single true deal-breaker, but giving your worries some air will feel good.

5. Sweat

I have found only one fool-proof, immediate solution to anxiety. And that is exercise. Bike. Walk. Swim. Run. I don't care what you do, as long as you get that ticker of yours working hard. You don't have to be training for an Ironman to feel the antidepressant effect of exercise. Even picking the weeds and watering the flowers has been shown to boost moods. Aerobic exercise can be as effective at relieving mild and moderate depression as SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors like Prozac and Zoloft).

There's a comprehensive book, "The Depression Cure" by a clinical psychologist Stephen Ilardi,
he writes:
"Exercise changes the brain. It increases the activity level of important brain chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin … exercise also increases the brain's production of a key growth hormone called BDNF. Because levels of this hormone plummet in depression, some parts of the brain start to shrink over time, and learning and memory are impaired. But exercise reverses this trend, protecting the brain in a way nothing else can."


6. Watch Your Thought-Movie

In his blog, Psychotherapy and Mindfulness, psychologist Elisha Goldstein explains that we can practice mindfulness and experience some relief from anxiety by procuring some distance from our thoughts, so that we learn to watch them as we would a movie (in my case, A secret between friends or some other ED themed movie where consequences of this life are well entailed). That way, we can sit back with our bag of popcorn and be entertained by our wacky fear-driven thoughts. As you do this, try to let go of judgments … but remember, bad movies aren't worth watching again. The same goes for toxic, anxious thoughts that seem to be on permanent "on-demand" repeat in our brains. It might just be time to change the channel.

7. Eat Supper-Mood Foods

Unfortunately, anxiety is usually the first clue that I should, once again, analyze my diet: to make sure I'm not drinking too much caffeine, not ingesting too much processed flour, and not bingeing on sweets. If I'm honest with myself, I've usually committed a misdemeanor in one of those areas. So try to go back to power foods. What are they? Elizabeth Somer, author of Food and Mood and Eating Your Way to Happiness mentions these: nuts, soy, milk and yogurt, dark leafy greens, dark orange vegetables, broth soups, legumes, citrus, wheat germ, tart cherries, and berries

8. Return to the Breath

Here's a confession: the only way I know how to calm down during a panic attack is by counting my breaths. I merely say "one" as I inhale and exhale, and then say "two" with my next breath. It's like swimming laps. I can't tune into all the chatter inside my brain because I don't want to mess up my counting. When I bring attention to my breathing-and remember to breathe from my diaphragm, not my chest-I am able to calm myself down a notch, or at least control my hysteria (so that I can wait five minutes before bursting into tears, which means I avoid the public cry session, which is preferred).


9. Break the Day Down

One cognitive adjustment that helps relieve anxiety is reminding myself that I don't have to think about 2:00 p.m., when I pick up my kid from school and how I will be able to cope with the noise and chaos when I'm feeling this way, or about the boundary issue I have with a friend, or whether or not I'm strong enough to continue putting myself first in any relationship. All I have to worry about is the very second before me. If I am successful at breaking my time down that way, I usually discover that everything is fine in this present moment.


10. Use Visual Anchors

My old therapist looks up to the clouds. They calm her down in traffic or whenever she feels anxious. For me it's the water. I don't know if it's because I'm a Pisces (fish), but the water has always calmed me down in the same way as Clonazapam or Buspar.
 So I just downloaded some "ocean waves" that I can listen to on my iPod when I feel that familiar knot in my stomach. I'll also wear something that was given to me by a loved one that I grab when I become scared, a kind of blankie to make me feel safe in an anxious world. It could be a necklace or earrings, maybe even an article of clothing. Something to remind me of a better mindset.


11. Repeat a Mantra


My mantras are very simple: "I am okay" or "I am enough" "You're not dying." There's a  reader I know who  recites what she calls a "metta mediation." She claims that it slowly changes the way she responds to things in her day. She says to herself:
  • May I be filled with loving kindness
  • May I be happy, and healthy
  • May I accept myself in the moment right as I am
  • May all sentient beings, be at peace, and free from suffering.

12. Laugh

Flexing your funny bone does much more than relieving any crushing anxiety. It lowers your immune system, diminishes both physical and psychological pain, fights viruses and foreign cells, heals wounds, and builds community. You have no doubt experienced a moment when you were crippled by anxiety until someone made you laugh out loud, and in doing so anxiety lost its hold over you. Why not laugh all the time, then?

I personally am constantly cracking jokes to alleviate all and any tension. Smiling feels nice..
"Anxiety"
   Eduardo Flores

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Kid Free

I miss my kid when she's not around, but I have time to myself in any case.
Three whole days what to do?
I got out the house. A Park, the Beach. It was nice to get away, wish I could do it more often.
I didn't really eat much those days, but I didn't b/p either. My weight went down some, but it's still in a safe maintaining range. It's not so low yet that I want to keep losing further, not yet anyways.

I read something today on Twitter, actually a lot of things; so many tips just carelessly floating around.
How can you encourage this sickness to others. What a horrible slow death it is.

"How much do you want to weigh? Eat that number of calories a day.." -Twitter follower


So Today would've made three days, instead I let things get to me and b/p this morning.
My chest aches.
I don't feel very talkative now. I may just try to write a little bit tonight and not much else.
I have a lot going on in my head and no desire to sort it out anymore.












I have this song stuck in my head.
I <3 Darren Styles


Sunday, March 25, 2012

Sunday

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Saturday

Friday, March 23, 2012

Happy Friday to all!




My new Address:

Lulu Morales
429 SW 8ct
Apt. #1
Miami, Fl 33130


Looking forward to letters <3

Have a Good Weekeknd all :)

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Damage Control

Last night was awful, the lax had me up all night.
As if that weren't fun enough my period comes on to join the cramps pajama party.
I slept 2 hrs tops.
This morning I don't want to get out of bed, I am so tired I actually contemplate my daughter staying home from school.
My daughter slept in my bed last night, she looked sad still. I caught her staring at herself in the mirror a lot yesterday. That scares me, she is aware of how she looks. That could be bad with the wrong kinda thinking.

My head is pounding like a drum and I force myself to get up once more and shower.
The hot scolding water feels good, I don't care that I'm slowly getting pinkish with each minute. I have bad case of the chills and nothing is warming me up.
I hop on the scale and weigh and there it is, gain.

After I dress its time to wake my daughter up for school, after a few tries she's up.
The minute I lay eyes on her new "haircut" the anger and sadness starts again.
*Deep sigh*
I want to kill my ex.
My daughter showers, dresses and eats English muffins with strawberry preserves while I think of ways to wake up further. I have no ready made shake here and I can't work a blender in this state.
Her hair is in a bun and I slick with gel and hairspray the remnants on what once was a bang and top off with a headband. Tomorrow when I get my CS deposit, I'll set aside a Headband Emergency fund.
In addition to the bad haircut, my ex let my daughter's eczema flare up. He wasn't on top of the prevention part and her little arms and legs are cracked and scabbed over with blood. I have to now fix it all.
Damage Control indeed.
Should I drive her to school? maybe not, need to save my gas.
We walk, I need to burn calories.
My daughter is very quiet this morning, on our walks we chat and joke around or talk about things we'd like to do in the future, not this morning. My eyes are very glossy on the whole walk to school.
I try to sleep some when I get back home, I manage two extra hours, my sleep is riddled with nightmares.
I would be b/p by now but I feel too sick and tired.
I'm not going to today, I feel confident that it will not happen.
I have to workout a lot today instead and later tonight I'll try to write some if I can't sleep again.
My husband hasn't called to even apologize to me for being out of line. I think he won't either.
I get little bad glimpses of him getting really drunk and being in a self loathing state. Despite it all I hope he's okay. He is after all my daughter's father and the man I've know for half my life.
I wish he would just rationally tell me what on Earth was going through his head.
Or at least give me the I got abducted by Aliens or Body Snatcher excuse.

No b/p so far and definitely no more laxatives.

 My first smile of the day, thanks to..

The DarkTower Series:The Wind Through the Keyhole - on sale April 24th


woohoo!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Cut it out

My ex drops my daughter off today.
He is in a rush and dressed for work. He doesn't want to make eye contact with me and is shoving my daughter rather quickly in my vicinity.
My daughter's face is solemn and I'm curious as to what I'm looking at.
Omg.
My husband cut her hair.
What the fuck is this?
"I had to cut her hair, it was in her eyes like a shaggy dog and she couldn't see." he says very nonchalant.

I lose my cool and cuss him out in front of everyone within hearing distance.
I tell him to get the fuck off my property and never come back here again.
I wish I could tell you I was over reacting to all of this but he actually cut her hair himself.
All of her bangs which I was letting grow out for the sole purpose of getting a proper hairdo over the summer is now gone to shit.
He cut them all off.
Her bangs resemble a mustache comb on her forehead.
My daughter is sad and now seeing my reaction starts to cry and apologize to me as if the thing were her fault instead of that numb skull I used to be married to.
I did my best to calm her down, I made her a strawberry milkshake and reassured her it would grow back and then we could fix it.
We have a lot of homework and test prep to do. I sat her at the desk and logged her in online so she could practice reading and math.

I feel so bad for her.
I can't even slick the thing back with hair gel or cover it up with a headband.
Why did he do this?
Was this a spite thing.
I won't call him at all, he will have to call me and explain further what on earth possessed him to do this. Was he drunk when he did this?
I don't know how he can make this up to me, but it will involve a lot of money and ass kissing.
He had no right, he didn't even ask my permission.
Every time I think about it I get pissed all over again.
I worry now that she will get picked at for having a bad haircut.

The worst part about all of this is that I actually ate something today right before she came home.
This all triggered me and I had an actual panic attack. I wanted so badly to keep something down but in the end I didn't.
I can't do anything right.
I've just binged on laxatives too. This morning and now are polar opposites. I went from being okay with my weight to now hating the thing. I feel fat.

Oh, I found out my daughter's grade today on her Science project, she got a B.
Why a B and not an A? *sighs*
Because her teacher is an asshole.

So today was a total bust.
I want to be alone now, I'm in a really bad mood and don't feel like talking to anyone.
I have a long  night ahead of me.

Mini Goals

So,
My daughter turned in her Science Project today.
I have no idea what her final grade is on that.

I had a PTA meeting at her school in the late afternoon. The school wanted to discuss S.A.T testing.
My ex was at the park across the street from her school with my daughter, after the long tedious meeting which basically consisted of encouraging and educating parents on how to help their child during testing week was over, I headed over to the park to share information.
My husband was glad he didn't have to go to that meeting. I endured.
I asked my ex about Science Project news..
"Her project was too much, the other parents had handwritten things and very simplistic, she couldn't even explain her project or read anything."
This made me mad.
Here he was once again turning the tables on my ass.
I had enough.
I told him that I did EVERYTHING, the least he could do was parent on his end. He could have reviewed the thing with her at his home, he could have helped her read and understand it further.
Why must I do it all?
I ripped him a new asshole and he said nothing.
He didn't expect lil ol' me to speak up this time.
You have no idea how much I had to hustle to get her project done. I am broke,
 B R O K E..
 The nerve of this guy sometimes geesh.

I leave afterwards and head home.
So I've b/p 2x today.
The second time had me spinning.
I had to lie down at some point.
The room would go dim and my heart beat so slowly and sometimes not at all.
I saw spots and my hearing dashed in and out.
I sucked on a candy in case of low sugar and sipped on Gatorade. I sweated profusely so I sat in front of my AC.
After fifteen agonizing minutes I started to feel better.
I've been b/p too much.
I'm really fed up with myself.
The problem is that the more I let things trigger me or I feel bad, sad or something the more I turn to ED.
What a mess I'm in.
This has to stop.
It will.
I feel like such a disappointment for not being able to stop myself from all these awful behaviors, I feel like a failure.
I feel so strange, it's like a sadness that takes hold of me sometimes for no reason, I can only compare this feeling to being brokenhearted, yes that's what this feels like. It feels like rejection and anguish. Like being unloved.
I don't know why I feel like this sometimes, but I do.

I was thinking about how much time this disease is stealing from me, has stolen from me.
I'm losing sight of what's important.

So this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to list some of my goals (mini goals) that I'd like to accomplish very soon.
Maybe if I actually have these in print somewheres it will force me to take them on instead of averting my eyesight elsewhere.

1.) Stop B/P period.
2.) Find a bloody job
3.) Start counting calories again
4.) Exercise everyday
5.) Take Meds and Supplements every morning without fail
6.) Deal with my feelings in another fashion that doesn't involve self harm
7.) Ignore negative comments and negative people
8.) Say "I love you more" (I don't say it enough) to those that matter. I don't care if it's not returned.
9.) Be positive
10.)Write more
11.) Write back to those who've reached out to me in the mail.
*Number 11 is actually very important, I've been a horrible pen pal lately and I'm sorry. I've gotten so many supportive letters and cards in the mail since I've moved and I want to say THANK YOU for that. I've had my head in the toilet bowl for too long and I haven't looked around much at anything else. Why you wonderful people bother with me at all is a mystery, you all are amazing for taking time out your day to think of someone else.
12.) Drink only on weekends. I've been a wino lately and that's not good.
13.) Sleep more
14.) Call one family member everyday and inquire about their day
15.) Budget money better
16.) Thank God more for all my blessings
17.) Cut myself some slack
18.) Do more for others
19.) Get out more
20.) Eat something, anything.. once a day, even if it's small


Wow that's a lot lol.
If I can do any of these things than I've already won.
If I'm not willing to seek help than I have to really put my part to get better.
No one can fight this for me, it's just me in the weeds.
I can't keep living like this anymore it's so hard.
I'm so very alone, the one other person I know with an ED in real life is my very own sister, and she only has an Ed now cus she learned it from me.
Right now she is suffering and getting deeper into this, she doesn't see the ramifications of such a life.
I always say lead by example, maybe its time I stopped paying lip service and actually live by this mantra.
Maybe there can still be hope for her or you reading this.
Aren't you tired?
I am.
I'm so very tired of worrying about what I eat or don't eat.

I really hope I can do this on my own.
I'm not ready for professional help, I'm scared of it. I'm scared of someone making me stop when I'm not ready to. I don't just need my Weight restored, I need my soul restored.
I need more, I need something to get through to me.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Tough Cookie

Yesterday my ex came over to pick up my daughter, from the moment he slammed his car door, I knew he was in a bad mood.
My daughter runs to the apartment's front door happy as can be to see her father.
Earlier that day while I was asleep, she packed her own bag ready to spend time at her dad's house. She picks out her own clothes, she even packed her own school uniform.

My husband has that face I hate, that pissy look that says don't fuck with me or else.
I'm actually putting the finishing touches on my daughter's science project. I take a glance at the table as my Husband enters the apartment and immediately notice the Science packet,
oh shit.
This was supposed to be filled out, it's a lot to fill out.
My daughter didn't get a chance to complete it because the board had to be done first. If I hadn't slept all those hours we would have been finished.
I sigh quietly, why did I sleep in?
I was just so tired and Sunday was actually the first time in weeks that I'd slept so long, obviously this was a big mistake.

My husband is in my daughter's room now and he is raising his voice at her, he's mad and when that happens he takes it out on anything in his peripheral vision.
He says nothing to me and heads back to his car with my daughter's bags, I'm tying to soothe my daughter who looks confused as to why her father is so angry, maybe she thinks it's something she did?

My husband loads his car and heads back inside where he turns to look at me forcefully.
"That project ain't done yet? What the fuck have you been doing all day?"
I explain it all and try not to make eye contact.
My daughter picks up the Science packet and says that it's not filled out.
My ex shakes his head in disbelief and starts the character assassination.
Here comes the insults.
I'm a bad mother, I'm a slacker, I can't finish anything, I'm too busy throwing up all dam day, I'm a drunk, I'm pathetic, I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I have no concept of reality and what it's like to bust my ass all day and work..
My dear readers you have no idea the strength it took for me not to cry in front of this man.
If I showed any kind of emotional response to his hurtful words than he's won and I've confirmed everything he's just said.

He finishes up the attack by telling me that he will not be taking the finished Science project to his home,
"I have no space for that in my house.."
How can someone be so clueless and malicious.
I grind my teeth till it hurts fighting back the tears, my eyes are glossy and I'd wish he just leave already.
I'm so tired of being spoken to any kinda way.
I look at my daughter who's quiet and confused and say a little prayer, not for me but for her. I pray that she has fun with her dad, that she remains carefree and oblivious to who he really is, and whatever abuse is given will always be directed at me and never her.

Yes I know that probably sounds bad, but the truth of the matter is,
I can take a lot of abuse, my whole life has been one giant put down after another.
I've gone from sexual abuse to verbal, physical,
I've had the ones closest to me always hurt me. I could tell you stories that would make you sit quietly and thank your lucky stars you never will have to be in my shoes.
All of these things though have made me who I am today, I don't look back and say I never wish that happened to me.
No, not even the really bad stuff that I will take to my grave. Not even those things that keep me up nights.
If my life never took that turn then I would definitely be an entirely different person instead of the woman I am today.
This is what you call character, it's what shapes you, molds you into something else, you make yourself rise above it.
I could use my past as a crutch and keep crying about it till I'm blue in the face or I could take it with me and always strive to go forward and want better for myself.

He doesn't take the science project, the packet is blank.
I tell him I will fill it out and if her teacher gives her a bad grade then it will be entirely my fault not hers. It's just one grade anyway.
My ex leaves and I'm sad to see my daughter go. She hugged me so tight, her little body fuses with mine as we say goodbye. Our little familiar smiles.
After he's gone I can cry, really cry.

My sister happens to call at that very moment.
I fill her in and she tries to calm me down.
She gives me her point of view on his attitude.
"He's mad because you've managed to do the Science project with no money, you're also hanging in there making the most of it all, he doesn't like that, he wonders why you haven't broken down yet and asked him for help.."
She makes a valid point.
At least I did all I could, her school project is done and I'm sure whatever grade she gets is fine.
I have to just let it all go.
 Let Go and Let God..




So today..
Well,
I did b/p yesterday and I also did this morning, all day actually.

No laxatives today.
I really want to but I didn't.
I check my bank account balance and all bills are paid.
I may be broke but I don't owe much.

My ex husband pops up in front of my building around 3pm with my daughter.
He wants to talk to me.
I reluctantly let him in, my daughter is all smiles and says she misses me.
"I wanted to call you last night." he starts off saying.
An apology.
He's always sorry.
Sometimes things that are said or done stay with me. While I am a forgiving person by nature, I'm also aware of what others are capable of.
Once you've chipped away at me in some way, I can't help but put the shields up. I immediately know I can never truly be myself with you, why?
Well, I don't want to hurt like that ever again.. It's sad but there are very few people on this planet who actually truly know me. Maybe I shouldn't put up walls but it's all I know.

He apologizes and then does what he always does, makes it up to me by buying me "stuff."
So today's grab bag, a new microwave and indoor grill.
He gasses up my car, gets me wine and even offers me whatever food I want to binge on.
I accept everything except the food.
I don't need food, I have all I need at home.

My husband takes the science project to his house and he'll fill out the packet so I won't have to.
After I'm dropped off from said store, I start to b/p again. The call of laxatives is there but I decide against it.
After my last purge my right side starts to hurt with each heave and gag. 
This pain is new.
I pee afterwards and its red..blood.
I'm bleeding for some reason, it's not a period.
It's the laxatives I know. I take too many, so many I'm surprised I haven't accidentally overdosed yet.
As I type this I feel ashamed, but in the moment I am untouchable. I don't think of what could happen, I only think of being skinny, or feeling empty, punishing myself for whatever feeling is going through my head, or wishing my hip bones and ribs stuck out more.
I hate that they don't.
It's this kind of thinking that will eventually land me in the hospital or kill me altogether.

I've b/p a lot today, the most I have in two weeks.
My weight is up a little but I'm not panicking yet. I'm not in Damage Control mode.
I feel nothing today, I'm numb.
Not sad, mad or anxious, not happy or loving, I am just here, in the moment, on this day.
My friend thinks I should seek help for my ED, professional help.
I wish I could.
Honestly I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I'm sick enough to merit help.
Maybe deep down inside somewhere I don't even want it.
Is there such a thing as a cure anyways? I think not.
I'll always be like this, conflicted and challenged, motivated and ambivalent.

That's the way this cookie crumbles.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sleep In Sunday

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Saturday

Friday, March 16, 2012

Friday Vlog

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Weird Science

I emailed my daughter's teacher this morning, I wanted to ask her some questions concerning the Science project that's due Tuesday.
Good thing I did because once she heard of the cookie project idea she changed everything.
Apparently the cookie idea is too "advanced" or something like that.
I don't get her, she says pick a project and sends a packet with ideas home, then you choose one and she shoots it down?
She assigned a project idea to me instead..
Good thing I didn't spend half the day baking cookies, unfortunately I did do a ton of research and started the packet with that project in mind.

So now the new boring science project is  *drumroll*
"How much Salt does it take to make an Egg float."

Gah, I don't feel like doing any project period.
I'm a little stressed out these days and the Ed is the only thing that seems to be reliable. It's my crutch today and my tormentor.
The more I do it, the more I hate it, the more I hate it, the more I hurt myself.
The constant nag is real loud today, I feel like whatever degrading thing it says I am.
I don't know how to be positive today.

I'm broke tomorrow because I have to pay some bills.
It sucks that I also have to eat all the school expenses too, you'd think my ex would say here's twenty dollars to help out with school.
Nope.

I feel really frustrated and alone today.
I'm confused about a lot of things.

My hair has started falling out again.
By the handfuls, this makes me cry.
It's stress and Ed related.
I'm malnourished.

I feel so overwhelmed,
like my life is a house of cards, one wrong move and it all comes down.

I wonder when will something better come along for me?
Maybe this is as good as it gets for someone like me.

Silly Rabbit..b/p free is just for kids

So I made two days no b/p.
That is all.
God I can't even hold out for three days.
 I've b/p today and also binged on lax.
No meds this morning or supplements.
I'm going to be sick tomorrow.

My daughter was with my husband for three whole days.
I really missed her.
I enjoyed my free time alone, but in the back of my mind, I did have a little bit of guilt.
I worried how she felt, was she homesick?
My husband calls me Tuesday afternoon and asks to borrow money because he wants to drink.
It never ceases to amaze me how he thinks. I have no job, why are you asking me for money. Does he think I have a regenerating wallet?
I tell him No and he hangs up only to call again later saying my daughter really misses me and wants to see me for a few minutes.
I agree to this.
My daughter looks different to me, taller?
She is really happy to see me..
I was a bit preoccupied cleaning up the apartment so I didn't pay much mind to my husband who sat on my couch talking about some nonsense.
I sat down finally and he kept on with the drinking topic.
"You wanna have a drink Saturday with me?"
Not really, you and I chill on different levels, I drink wine, you liquor..
"We could watch a movie." he insists.
No I don't know what I'll be doing Saturday *Shrugs*
He pats me on my head like I'm a puppy, and talks to me softly.
After a third try he gets it and leaves, he tells my daughter he has to go and she doesn't want to leave, she wants to stay with me. I tell her to go, she'll be home Wednesday.

My sister happens to call and doesn't like that I made my daughter go back to my husband's apartment instead of staying here with me.
"I feel sorry for her." she says.
My sister tries to make me feel bad for sending my daughter away.
She doesn't see the bigger picture.
I can't have her here on one of "his days" because then my Husband will think I'm not taking this visitation thing seriously, I have to stick to my word so he can continue to honor his.
Of course I want my kid to stay, but I can't start changing the rules around, because if my Husband sees some kind of in, he'll take it.

My daughter gets here today and everything is better.
My daughter can't stop telling me how much she missed me.
This makes me happy. I always worried if she actually would.

Her teacher left her tons of Homework which is all done, but unfortunately she has  a Science Project due next Tuesday.
I haven't done one of those in a long time.
I bought her display board already and have chosen a project.
I narrowed down two possible projects..

1) Do different types of apples have the same number of seeds?
2) How does omitting an ingredient  affect the taste of a cookie?

So the cookie one it is.
I'll spend tomorrow baking galore. I won't be sampling those cookies, oh no.
I can't eat cookies even if I wanted to, obviously I won't keep those down, but chocolate in any state is bad for me to purge, it's like Tar. Just thinking about how hard and frustrating purging cookies will be makes me shudder.

So now what?
I'm having a bad day with ED.
Today is one of those days where I'm in a bad mood and everything seems to piss me off.
My tolerance for bullshit is at it's maximum capacity.
Fuckin ED.
I'm down a pound.
Does that make me happy? of course it does.
I've gained weight in those 40+ days that I didn't b/p. I hate it.
Now my brush with failure has left me in that bad place.
That I don't give a shit faze where I want to lose as much as I can and more.
I want all of this added weight off.

I'm so tired of this.
I wish I could just never eat again.
I don't want to eat, I want to wither away to nothing.
This is what I didn't want to happen.
Do you know the things I will have to do to make that desire come to fruition?
Not good.
I feel so distracted right now. Like something or someone is taking me away from my priorities.
My mini goals can't be achieved with this kinda thinking.
I don't know how to not think these things.

Let's see what happens tomorrow.
I doubt I'll have a change of heart.
 I doubt a lot of things.

Calle Ocho

Okay so this is me playing catch up since I've been a bad Blogger this week..

Sunday was Calle Ocho, Miami's biggest block party.
It's a celebration of all Cultures from different countries. It's free to get in and great to experience.
There is that taboo F word everywhere you look, no not Fuck, I meant FOOD..(yikes)
Beer, Beer, and more Beer every at every turn.
You can B.Y.O.B (bring your own booze) as long as it's in an aluminum can or plastic cup, no glass bottles allowed on account that they may become flying projectiles in a drunken stupor or that they can fall and break on the ground, and the whole festival in nothing but foot traffic. If they catch you inebriated out your gourd or carrying a glass bottle you get a ticket.
My brother was the first person who called me as I was up early getting my daughter's overnight bag and my own stuff ready.
Parking for Calle Ocho is expensive, but luckily I live two blocks away from the thing so parking was not my issue, my brother and niece both had spaces in front of my apartment complex.
My brother arrives with his wife and they are ready. I'm not, plus my niece sent me a text explaining that she would be an hour late, seems like the time change has screwed everyone up.
My brother shows me two giant water bottles and I immediately know it's some kind of liquor, well Rum apparently, they are ready to party.
"What are you wearing?" my brother asks. He's overly protective of me.
I show him my "booty" shorts..aka little cut off shorts that show everything when you bend over.
My brother tells me he'll put his foot up my ass if I walk out the house like that lol.
He goes to my closet and picks out something else for me to wear. I nod my head and agree to wear it.
When he leaves I toss the said items back in the closet where they belong, pfft he didn't think it be that easy did he?
My niece finally arrives an hour later and she gets to see my new apartment, she loves it. She's happy that I've moved.
She and I are in the same boat I'm afraid, we've both just ended things with our baby daddy's and are now unemployed and living off child support till we can find us some jobs.
She's also currently romantically challenged as am I *sighs*
We get going and it's nice out, the streets are full of people and there are so many sights and smells.
My brother is a little bit ahead of us, he's on a different avenue getting freebies and my niece and I are wandering around catching up. My daughter and her son have their own conversation going in the background.
At some point in the festival I get my ass pinched, I turn around appalled but it was actually someone I knew. Yup remember the Ex of mines who wasn't really an Ex cus he was married that I ran into last month, well that was him trying to be funny, he always had a thing for my ass ugh.
My niece recognized him immediately.
"Here comes trouble" she whispers to me.
He makes small talk with me before his wife and kids are headed in our direction. Our convo is cut short and he tells me goodbye and says he'll message me on FaceBook.
"You're not going to see him are you?" my niece asks.
No, been there done that. I'm tired of guys who are complicated, just be with the woman you're in love with and that's it. Why cheat or why try to start something with another person if you're all tangled up with someone else. Just handle your shit and grow up.


After the festival my niece stays over for awhile and so does my brother, we all catch up and laugh,
 I think that's the most I've laughed in a month.

























Monday, March 12, 2012

I'm sorry I didn't Vlog Sunday, I was out all day and then had to run out..
I'll post pics later from Sunday's block party..

So far today I have not b/p all day so yay! In your face Bulimia *blows raspberry*

I know if I can go three whole days without doing that then I may have a chance.

I'm pretty happy today,
My daughter is with her dad, he got her Sunday night so I am officially kid free till Wednesday.
I do miss her a lot this is the longest I've gone without being around her, but I call and she sounds like she's having a great time.

So day 1 no b/p
Lou 1
Bulimia 0


Saturday, March 10, 2012

Saturday Vlog

Friday, March 9, 2012

Friday

Thursday, March 8, 2012

This was not in the brochure

My head hurts.
It's the laxatives, they are killing me.

I weighed myself when I got home from dropping my daughter off at school and the gain has left me stunned.
It all comes back so quickly.
I'm not in Damage Control Mode just yet, which is actually surprising. I would be b/p by now but I'm not. I'm actually blogging to avoid it so I may ramble, please forgive me.

My husband popped up without calling a few minutes ago, he wanted to take my daughter to school except he was about an hr too late.
My daughter actually had her very first detention today on account of Monday's behavior. She was "disobedient" or so her teacher claims. Honestly I don't know what these teachers think, she's seven. Don't they remember what they were like at seven?
Kids get distracted and bored rather quickly. My daughter has an imagination like no other, she gets that from me I'm afraid. At her age being the youngest of my family and overly protected on account of my Father I had times where I had no choice but to be my own playmate and thus created my own little world of fun.
I don't scold my daughter for that, she can play however she wants.
I think the teachers (which the majority have no kids of their own) get easily frustrated and have no idea how to deal.
I'm a stay at home mom, I've always been the one to take care of my daughter since she was born. She's never been in daycare or has ever had a babysitter. I know what to do in most every situation with her. She is a great kid and I'm very proud of her.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for her, I would gladly suffer all kids of humiliation in order for her to have a roof over her head and am able to provide her with everything she needs. I will gladly go without so she can thrive instead.

Having said that I find myself in deep waters right now, and folks I'm a bad swimmer.
Things feel 1000x worse for me because I suffer from Depression and have an ED. My coping skills suck and I have a bad case of co-dependency.

I'm trying though to change my old ways, it's not easy. I find myself fighting against the current and most drown that way.

When I pictured living alone again, I thought I'd have my shit together by then, that's not the case today.
Still unemployed and have racked up a few bills in such a short amount of time, I'm starting to wonder was all of this really worth it.
What was I trying to actually accomplish here?
Sometimes I question did I make the right decision?
What is happiness anyways, maybe I'm just being too selfish. I should be thinking about my daughter's happiness and not my own.
I rather she be well off and happy than struggling with me.
My mother married my father because he was well off and actually took her in with five kids that weren't his. He gave her everything she asked for and more.
All of my siblings were finally okay.
Yes she didn't love my father or me for that matter, and yes her decision to settle for security instead of love made her bitter and an alcoholic, but is the alternative better.
Struggle or Security?

Is being single and broke a far better choice?
Who's to say that I will ever meet anyone again, or that getting by is okay..
What kind of role model can I be here?

My sister is the same way, she went through a lot and did things just to get by.
She gives me advice now and again on how to make a quick buck, of course that requires using my feminine wilds..
If only I could be so numb, not feel so much or care about afterwards.
I won't say never because being "in need" makes you wake up and get things done wether you like the outcome or not.
I think I may just have to push myself out there and see what happens. I have no choice now, I can't go back to my Husband, I have to prove him wrong. He always said I couldn't make it on my own, and he's wrong. I don't care what I have to do, I'll find a way or make one.

I know it looks dire from the outside, but deep down inside I know with all my heart's certainty that I will be okay. The water's are rough and cold, but there's a lifesaver for me, it's just out of reach but it's there..

I feel strong today in spite of all the hurdles that keep coming my way, I even feel like I can avoid ED today. No b/p thoughts so far. I've had water and a banana.
So far so good.

Okay I'm done, the b/p craving has passed and now I'll take the rest of the day as it comes.

Hustle and Bustle

My laptop has crashed.
My bills are piling up and I'm starting to think about colorful solutions for fast money.

Oh boy.
I have a headache.

On the plus side I don't feel like b/p at all today.
I have bigger fish to fry now and this ED gonna have to sit in the backseat for a minute till I can figure this all out.

Well, we all have to do things we don't want to at some point or another in our lives *shrugs*

I'm off to school now, hope you all have a wonderful day.

Little Miss Fickle

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much this week, the truth is I'm in a bad mood and it's not getting better.
I'm stuck in the b/p cycle and I'm unable to find a way out of it.
Yes I've slowed the number of times to 1-2 tops but I'm still abusing laxatives and drinking every night.
I don't remember how I made 40+ days Bulimia free..
It's frustrating, I'm frustrated.

I've finally finished my Husband's apartment, it's suitable for my daughter to  visit and sleepover. I did the best I could with what I had, it wasn't always easy because although I was supposed to have complete creative control, my dumb ex accompanied me everywhere and had an opinion about everything instead of just letting me do what I do best.
He was supposed to break me off money for doing him this service but alas everyone he's managed to fuck me over once again.
I don't know why I even bother, to be honest I did this for my daughter not him, so although I feel manipulated, I managed to at least make the transition of sleeping over and the separation process be easier for my daughter..I hope anyways.

I saw my older brother this week, he gave me furniture and a belated birthday present, a nice bottle of Rum.
He wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday but he had to work all weekend long and thus plans fell through.
I was surprised actually and there's a small selfish part of me that is relived, eating out doesn't sound fun to me. I can just imagine the anxiety I would have from sitting there with food in me. My oldest brother doesn't really acknowledge my ED, it's the pink Elephant in the room that we just don't talk about.


I'm not taking my meds again, or any supplements for that matter either.
There's no point really, any pills I take will get flushed out from all the laxatives or purged out.

I want to fast for awhile, if I could successfully do that then I may have a chance at stopping the b/p, but fasting like any other thing right now seems down right impossible.
I feel really stressed out and the more I am, the more the ED behaviors get outta hand.
I'm stuck in a loop.
How does one stop cold turkey?
You can't.
It takes a process and several tries.
I won't give up on myself just yet, I'm trying.
The days feel like they all run together when I b/p and so I've been completely distracted, I start to slack off on important things and set aside my mini goals.

I hate this.

On the plus side I've managed to not lose weight and I'm maintaining right now.
I'm eating a bit more these days, that can either be good or bad.
I sometimes feel like it's okay, then there are days like today where I can't stand it and the Body Dysmorphic disorder is at it's worst.

I wish I could just be okay with it all but I'm not.

Guess I'll try again tomorrow and see how it goes.
Night all.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Happy Birthday to me

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Saturday

Friday, March 2, 2012

Friday

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Grey

I didn't get much sleep last night, I haven't been getting much rest since moving here.
Living alone is taking some getting used to.
I get incredibly paranoid at night, Insomnia does that to you.
I hear all sorts of noises in my apartment, I feel scared here and very alone.
After hours of being frightened, alone and paranoid, the sadness kicks in and I manage to cry myself to sleep.

I feel very lost, I don't know what my purpose is?

I was just talking to my sister on the phone and we made each other cry.
She started talking about my uncle and how lonely it is now without him around.
He was the only person who would without fail, called everyday to ask me how I was.
I miss my uncle..

I started to tell my sister how I feel today and I made her cry.
She's worried about my depression.
I tell her that I drink every night now, drinking helps me sleep and truth be told sometimes I just want to get drunk so fast and feel nothing quickly. I want to just stumble my way into bed and pass out.

For those who don't know what Depression is..to truly be Depressed, not the
"Oh I feel sad today" then hours later you're jubilant as ever, that's not depression..
They don't understand how the thing can swell inside you.
It makes you unbearable to be around and if you could get away from yourself you would.
No Depression is an awful thing.
It gets bigger and bigger consuming everything you do and everything you think, till you can no longer function or bother caring about anything or anyone. The only thing you do feel is everything at once and it's all your fault, you deserve every horrible thing that's happened to you,
the best you can do is rid yourself of this world and spare everyone you know the trouble.
You feel like a nuisance, hell maybe you are one.
Cleaning up after any mess is exhausting.

I'm glad I have my older sister to be honest with at least, I think she's the only person I can trust with how I truly feel about it all.
She gets it because she's seen me at my worst and knows what it would take to get there. She's also seen me at my best and knows that too.
When you've witnessed the good and bad in someone, you tend to pay attention. You actually see.
There are only a handful who can truly say, I know Lou.
If you haven't seen me at my worst then you have no idea.
That is the thing I struggle with the most, keeping the bad at Bay. I know I should, but I can't help but question why and who is this all for?

 My ED is bad too, ugh today was awful. I've b/p so many times I don't know how I'm still standing.
At one point in the day I actually took a break from ED and went to the hardware store where I actually ran into an EX of mines, well I don't know if I can even call him that seeing as how we never dated.
I guess I can say he was one of many "romps" I've had. He was married at the time and I was not. In any case it didn't last long as those things never do,
but yeah I ran into him and boy was he happy to see me.
He's already friend me on Facebook and a message too.
He's still very much married and his kids are the same age as my nephews.
I know I'm "single" now, but I'm actually going to try my best to not get involved with complicated people. I want simple.
Simple, not married or open relationships, long distance or no contact, in between or undefined..I just want a man who's not a moron and has qualities I look for.
Is that too much to ask?
I think I deserve that, after all the duds I've had, I think I merit someone who will actually return what I put out.

In all my mania, I even tried to keep soup down today, but then purged it after too much inner debate about how full I suddenly felt.
I've binged on so many sodium enriched things that now I'm bloated and retaining, what comes next?
LAX BINGE!
Laxatives are bad news for your heart, but I've managed once again to say to hell with it all, let it be.

Bad day with ED.

I'm looking forward to passing out in a minute,
I need sleep.

I feel so useless lately.
I need a job and something to do other than rot.
I can't have this be it for me.

I don't want to settle or roll over,
I want to keep fighting and pray that good things will keep coming my way.
I want a better life.
I know it's there somewhere, I just wish I could hold on a little longer.
I'll try to fight, it won't be for me of course, but for the little one I care for, the one who keeps me going when everything and everyone else doesn't.

"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I’ll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day."-Joe Carnahan

Leap Year

Whilst Pancake Day was a hit yesterday
..today not so much.
My daughter and I are sick today, real sick.
My sister thinks it's food poisoning seeing as we both are suffering from the same symptoms.

She and I are running fevers and we've actually been in bed all day.
It's late now and my daughter is settling down, I on the other hand have worsened.

Of course I'd feel worse because I've been b/p again today.
Dam I almost made it today without doing that, but some things just got the best of me and now here I am paying the price.
I'm really dehydrated, all I want to do is drink everything.

My weight is fine by me standards..
well today anyways, you know ED tomorrow I could feel like a blimp and hate the world and myself and go on a crazy lax binge or some shit.

I saw "My week with Marilyn" last night.


What is it about Marilyn Monroe, she's so beautiful. I must have seen every movie she's ever made. It's funny that I think her figure was divine and she was 5'5, size 16 and had actual hips and thighs, but I would panic now if I even thought about having a frame like hers, why is that?
Stupid ED, god I'm so sick of it all. It's exhausting, my head won't shut up, it's no wonder all I want is to be alone, I have no room for anything else at the moment.
Feels like forever with this ED..I actually have an anniversary coming up, on Sunday the day of my birth, it's also 3yrs since ED has come back in my life and made me the half the person I used to be. I wonder how much longer I will allow this to go on, what does it truly take to recover, can Rock bottom be the end all?
I don't think so.
Most days I think that there is nothing that can scare me enough to stop this ED.
After I purged today and sat on my couch, everything started spinning.
My heart beat so slowly I could count along with it..
I started to think in my daze what dying would feel like, when will this life finally catch up to me and how will I go out?
Sometimes I think I'll die like my mother, she suffered before she died, bled out on her bed and then slipped into unconsciousness, I wonder if she knew what was happening to her or if the alcohol masked the truth.
She would never win a Mother of the Year award but sometimes I do miss her, some days she was actually nice to me. One of my favorite memories of her is when I was really sick one night and she ran her fingers through my hair until I fell asleep on her lap.
I think of those kinda days and they confuse me, it's an awful thing to never know if someone really loves you or if they only do because it's an obligation.
I don't ever want to do that to my kid or anyone.

Love in any form is so complicated. Makes caring hard, one never wants to get hurt but usually does.
I guess all we can do is hope for the best and be surprised.
A huge part of me wants to be cynical but I can't just yet.
 I can't truly wish that all my Heart would do is just pump blood and that's it..



Boo!
My head is pounding, nothing I take is making this go away.
Today has been the longest I've actually slept in weeks.
 I wish I could sleep the whole day away.
Very soon I may just do that.

Nite all.