Friday, April 27, 2012

Frustrated Friday

We need to talk about Kevin..(book review)

So I've finally managed to finish Lionel Shriver's book "We need to talk about Kevin."
I must say that at first this book was contrived and a bit annoying, the main character "Eva" had vocabulary straight out of an SAT exam, sometimes it felt too forced, but as I read on, I came to love her and realize this was part of her charm, her superiority before she had her first child Kevin.

Kevin was a bit much, his youth was harder to swallow, I think his mother expected so much from him from infancy on.
Now that I've read the book from cover to cover I can actually see the bigger picture.
I think as the story goes on I can sympathize with Eva and her son Kevin.
Eva is a hard woman, her past before child was adventurous and she answered to no one not even her husband.
After Kevin was born she reluctantly stepped into the role of motherhood.
Kevin didn't make it any easier, but they did have their moments. I find those little bonds they shared to be realistic and heartfelt even.
I don't hate Kevin.
Yes he is much and he did do a despicable many things, but if you dig closer you can clearly see why.
I smile now as I write this because reading the ending and remembering the beginning of the story you can grasp the Mother/Son dynamic thoroughly.
This book is beautifully written and to the point I believe.
My opinion, Kevin "the bad boy" did in fact love his mother and she loved her son, so much so her story throughout is recollections, after the school massacre she endured a life that was never meant to be hers, she suffered as if she were the killer and was in a prison of her own making.
I think given the circumstances, I could be her, love my own infamous child as she did and does.

I found myself questioning the author and how creative to write such a story, but I can see that it's message is forgiveness and loving your child no matter how monstrous their mistakes.
A very good read indeed.

Afterwards I decided to watch the film adaptation of this book.
A beautiful cast starring Tilda Swinton, John C. Riley (I find him sexy idk why lol) and the beautiful and talented Ezra Miller as "Kevin."

The film is very short and leaves much out as all film adaptations usually do, but the spirit of what I felt for this book is there.
The film was entertaining, but could be misunderstood and out of context in comparison to the book itself.

I would recommend this story to anyone and the film also.
If I wasn't looking forward to reading newest Dark Tower book, I would read this one all over again.

Now for an update.
I ate today, had a banana and orange juice for breakfast, followed by half a banana, dairy and crackers for dinner.
I have not b/p at all today and NO laxatives.
Yes I'm bloated, gassy, have a huge headache and throbbing chest. I don't know if re-feeding is the culprit but I've made my mind up about trying to eat something daily.
My weight is still the same, yo-yo's between 110/114lbs.
That is perfectly fine. I don't look fat, it's all in my head and yes most days I think I look like I weigh more but that's just not true.
I will find a way to work through this, I simply must.

I picked my daughter up from school and we headed to CVS to pick up my overdue meds. I was actually avoiding going there as it is a painful reminder of the job I got and lost in the span of a week.
I sucked it up and went.
My daughter made me sad along the way, she asked why I wasn't working or if I was to get another job anytime soon.
Thinking about how stupidly it all went away made my eyes glossy but I didn't cry in front of her, I reserved that for home in the safety of closed bathroom doors.
Every time I think of how easily I had and lost the job, I feel like a failure.
I know God has not led me astray, there is a valid reason for me not working, I don't know what, but I'm sure in the bigger sense of things it was really important.
I will try again tomorrow applying for work, all the fast food places first and hope someone will take pity on me.

There are now two main reasons for finding work immediately.
Number 1 is that I need a steady income to cover my bills and lifestyle, to provide for my child.
Number 2 is this..
I find myself in a relationship. Yeah you read right, I have a boyfriend.
I can't get into specifics because well I promised to not blog about them ever again but I don't want to keep our relationship a secret.

My ex husband is currently paying for my car insurance, and the car itself that I drive is in his name, the minute he finds out that I'm seeing someone else he will surrender everything to me.
I'm not financially ready yet for that, insurance plus car transfer costs are not affordable right now.
I need to be able to pick up the slack if that happens.

I don't like to lie, lies period.
That's what this feels like, I'm lying to both men in my lives.
My ex husband needs to know I've moved on and my boyfriend needs to not be a secret, I care about him very much and want this relationship of ours to flourish, but it can't if I'm not committing 100% to him.

There's no worse feeling than being kept a secret, I've been there before and it's not pretty..
I'm a stranger to this, it's been awhile since I've allowed myself to feel vulnerable with another man and now with Ed back in the picture things are a bit more messy.
I have no idea how to juggle both.
I can only hope that I don't screw this up or that I won't get hurt.
What can you do except just feel and hope it all works out. I've been through too much already, I know how short life is and it's unpredictable, one day you're here, one day you're not, best to be honest while the person is around, you don't wanna have any "I should have said" in your life.

On the way back from CVS I had a chat about school with my daughter, she informs me that her bully is repeating the 1st grade and is getting suspended for punching another child in the nose. The principal spoke to the bully's parents and his mother says "He is allowed to do whatever he wants."
I swear some people should be sterilized.
I ask my kid if the bully has picked on her today and she points to her shoes that are covered in brown stains, he poured chocolate milk on them.
My daughter told the teacher and he is getting another detention. Tomorrow I will speak to her teacher again. I'm sending my kid to school to learn, not to be demoralized and humiliated on a daily basis. What is this school doing about bulling???

Later on in the day I'm boiling a pot of water for tea, my window is open as the day is nice and my home rather chilly.
The apartment complex next to me faces my kitchen window.
I notice there is a young Hispanic man in his 30's standing at the back door of a neighbor I know.
I watch him and he starts to jimmy her back door and walk away, repeating the act several times, I immediately realize he's trying to break into her apartment.
Something comes over me and suddenly I fear nothing, my kitchen window is open and I yell out to him "Hey get away from there!"
The burglar has no idea where my voice is coming from, he continues now faster to try to break into her back kitchen door, I grab the pot of hot water and fling it outside my window dousing the robber. He jumps back in pain and runs away.
I call the police who show up ten minutes later.
I flag them down outside and my neighbor happens to arrive home with her son from the supermarket.
I inform them of what has happened and she is in shock of what has transpired in her absence.
She is in sheer horror.
The poor woman, has been all night changing the locks to her house.
But anyways I did my my neighborly duty.

I'm feeling a bit down mostly in part due to today's reminder that I'm an unemployed waif and a bit due to the eating disorder.
So I'm going to call it a night, hope you all are well.
I'll vlog tomorrow :)
Nite all, and stay strong.

Oh and thanks to my new Twitter followers!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Mail Tiiiiime!

Right now I do not feel well, but I'm going to try to make a decent post.

The beautiful blogger désespérée de maigrir has sent me another package in the mail today, I was just about to shower when suddenly there was a knock at my door, it's the mailman with not one but two boxes for me.
The first was the box this wonderful fellow blogger has sent me filled with clothes, school supplies and books, I loved everything btw..
The clothes are nice and my size, the school supplies my daughter just adored, she can't wait to paint me a picture tomorrow. The books of course *drools with literary delight* were wonderful, I <3 Julie and Julia, I had read half of that book already, I checked it out from the local library once along with "High on Arrival" by Mackenzie Phiilips-you must read that! so good *mmm bestseller, drools*
I'm looking forward to re-reading it and actually finishing it.
 I can't get enough of the printed word.
I think I would have liked to been a book editor, I can only imagine how amazing it is to get all of these wonderful manuscripts and review them , each one with the capacity to be great and reach readers out there one day.
I loved everything you sent to me sweetie, God bless you.
I know you've been having a hard time lately and I wish you get better, things will turn around soon enough for you, you're selfless and that my beautiful friend never goes unnoticed.
Once again THANK YOU.

The second box is from my British bloke Perry.
I wasn't expecting anything in the post from him, but he never ceases to surprise me.
He sent me a framed print of London (I loved it, and hope to visit one day.) and a book as well,  "The Wind in the Willows" by  Kenneth Grahame. This was his favorite story as a child.
The book is for my daughter, it's an old favorite of mines too. I can't wait to read this to her. If you've never read it before... please do.

Now for surprise #2..oh Perry lol..
He and I have similar taste in music, well hell a lot of things in common, but one night we were discussing artist we fancied, I made the mistake of admitting to liking a song or two from the group Aqua (no judgements!!)
Well what have I now in my possession?

Real cute you Tosser..
Anyways, the packages were very nice, Thank you once again.
Big Kisses from me :)

Now for an update.
Yesterday I b/p 1x after being Ed free since Monday, the result of such a thing left me exhausted and I actually slept through the night after going to bed at say 11-ish?
Today I woke up and weighed.
I'm still maintaining, yes I've gained, I go up and down, but I'm not panicking about this weight. It could be worse but it's not.
I have to keep reminding myself of this.
I felt hungry today so I had an Ensure, fruit and crackers, not a lot by actual Meal standards but it's better than nothing.
I haven't b/p today at all and kept this meager meal down.
I feel sick now, my stomach distended from bloat, my head throbbing and a horrible case of Acid reflux.
My stomach gurgles in protest.
This is why I don't want to eat, to not feel these awful effects. The mere sound emitting from my gut is triggering. I hate it and hate others hearing it.
I can't stand feeling full.

It's late now so I'm confident that b/p anything is out the window.

I was actually thinking about Bulimia and its horrible effects.
My back tooth hurts a lot now, its hyper sensitive to the cold, so much so I brush my teeth with hot water every morning.
My hair has started to fall out by the handfuls now *sighs heavily*
I'm constantly in a state of bloat and wake up with stiff joints and headaches.
The eating disorder is weighing on me these days, I can feel the strain because I get tired more during the day now.
Since I kept food down, I've been rationalizing trying to keep food down once a day if possible. Can I do it?
I'm tired of Bulimia, real tired.

I've been having company these days that my daughter is away, it's nice to not be alone and more importantly to not do behaviors around others.
I don't want to talk about said company much as I've promised to not drag them into this blog, but I just wanted to mention this one thing.
This person wants me to get better and you know something when they're around I actually do.
It's been suggested I attend group meetings for my Ed, they'll even tag along with me.

So far where I live there aren't any, so the places that do hold meetings are a bit far away, this is discouraging I'll admit, but having someone actually there for me if I do go makes all the difference.

I've never openly talked about my Ed before, yes I write this Blog and there are some close to me that know, but to sit in a circle and say Hello I have eating issues and here they are etc etc, nope never.
What can I expect from group?
What can I expect of myself if I go down this road, my fear is failure.

It's getting late and the headache is not helping me concentrate, so I'll go now and wish you all a goodnight.
Thanks once again for my packages!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Special Delivery

I wasn't planning on blogging today actually, but something came in the mail that made me change my mind, I could not, not blog.
So before I say anything, let me say this first,
I feel incredibly blessed, special, undeserving even but I'm all smiles now, I haven't stopped smiling since I got this.

I was already having a wonderful day thanks in most part to someone I love very much who's having a sleepover at this lil eating disordered gal's place. I wish I could say more but not yet. Then came the cherry on top of the sundae (mmm never mind..)

So to the wonderful, amazing, beautiful blogger désespérée de maigrir ,
THANK YOU sooo much for my Book!
I'm so happy, you just have no idea.
I wish I could bottle how I feel right now and share it with you all.

I can't wait to read this.
I'm still reading "We need to talk about Kevin" by Lionel Shriver, I'm almost done, I love this book, please read if you can, it's riveting, especially from a parents perspective, you know I should actually do more book reviews, whatcha ya think??
Turn some of you on to reading lol. I had a half ass attempt once with a Vlog I did on some of my favorites..

So when I'm done with Kevin, I'm reading this bugger immediately. I can't wait.
The Dark Tower series are my favorite books of all time, second would be the Dune saga.
The Dune saga books I lost a long time ago when I was homeless, I wouldn't mind aquiring the whole series again and reading them all, I get the best memories from them.
Back to The Dark Tower, it's a great read and I can't wait to see what Roland and his ka-tet are up too. These characters are beloved to me and I feel like part of their little group, with them on their quest to seek The Dark Tower.
I actually found this series by accident one day.
I was browsing a thrift store and came upon this book titled "The WasteLands" something told me to get it.

At the time I was a 22yr old Lou working as a Secretary at a shipping agency and had a lot of time to kill between clients, I read at my desk in my spare time.

22yr old Lou

I read The WasteLands in 3days, the ending of the book of course was a cliffhanger, I had no idea of the vast Universe that is TDT series..
I'm glad I found it because it drew me in and consumed me.
I'm so happy and blessed that some wonderful person out there has gone above and beyond to get me the continuation of the series, and a day before it actually comes out worldwide no less.
I can't thank you enough, you're a truly wonderful person for getting me this book.
So now I leave you all and will finish the current read and make way for this new one.
I'm so happy today.
Thank you once again and I'll let you all know how it goes.
Take care everyone and goodnight.
Hugs and Kisses to you all, please be safe.

Friday, April 20, 2012

In an Instant..

  Follow me on Instagram: ladikaat69

Thursday, April 19, 2012


Too sad today.
I've managed to only venture out the house today for my daughter.
I went for a walk with her yesterday and we had a chat, she had some knock knock jokes for me, faking smiles make your cheeks hurt after awhile.
She has a bully who messes with her everyday, it's a boy.
She tattles on him to her teacher and he gets Detention, I don't encourage her to hit him. She says she's been warned to not hit back anyways or she will get Detention too. I don't know what to tell her, this is a very sensitive subject. I've been putting two and two together since this admission to try and see how far back this has been going on..
Once she came home with spaghetti sauce all on her clothes, my ex was pissed and asked her if she had a hole in her mouth. I got it out of her, the bully threw food at her.
When I think about how bad it can actually get and how sweet my kid is it makes me mad and sad all at once. I can't fight this battle for her, there's only so much I can do on my part as a parent.
I've brought this up with her teacher, the bully's parents know and do nothing, the kid gets Detention everyday. He may even fail first grade and the parents may transfer him outta school.
I've been bullied before, my mother didn't help matters showing up intoxicated to get me from school, I was the kid with the alky for a parent.

I have a headache that won't go away. I've been in bed all day. The laxatives make me dizzy today, a vertigo I haven't felt in some time. I think my forehead even feels hot as do I for a change, usually I run cold, but today I feel like the house isn't cold enough for me, I may need to shower again soon.

I feel so odd today, am I getting sick?
Maybe I'm starting to break down finally after so much abuse this month, either way it's slowed me down today only allowing me to b/p 1x.
Sometimes the b/p help with headaches, I know that sounds so ass backwards but Ed likes to play tricks on me. In this instance the relief lasted only enough for me to walk to school and deal with school staff.
Back home and so is the headache with a vengeance.

My light gets paid tomorrow and that means I'm broke this week.
My daughter's school binder is stuffed with activities and things I have to calculate to afford. Field trips to the Aquarium, a Book Fair next week, a yearbook and of course school supplies which have run low.
It's been 4 times that she's asked me for a new book bag.
I wonder if she's aware of people who can afford things and those that can't.
Obviously we're the latter of the two.
I feel like a crummy parent, there's only so much I can give her, this whole failed job thing doesn't help matters. Everytime I think about the searching for work all over again I gets anxious, it's hard.
Maybe the stress is making me sick, hope my hair doesn't start falling out again.

When my kid came back from her Dad's she runs up to me very proud and says "Mommy look how thin I got!"
I look in horror, I'm not ready to go down this road with her.
I tell her she looks fine.
I shoot a confused look at my ex who proudly states she's "slimmed" down, he's been giving her nothing but water at his house, no junkfood and limiting her portions.
I don't want her to start worrying about her weight just yet.
I wish I didn't have an Ed or knew what a normal person would say to their child in such a case?
I've been aware of my looks since I was her age, my parents never let me forget, comparisons to thinner kids or prettier girls were usual topics of conversations, not to mention intelligence.
I can remember this disgust I had with myself then and still do most days.

 My cat seems to be okay, she's had accidents only in my room, the cat urine smell which still lingers somewhere I can't pin point is making my sinuses hurt.

I think I should try to workout, the endorphins always wake me up and I feel better.
 I actually kept some things down today. Half a shake and some fruit, dairy and even a piece of meat, not much if you were to actually put all these things on a plate, but picking at it here and there throughout the day is more tolerable than sitting down to a whole plate of food. I do feel heavy now and bloated, but the headache is not letting me panic or have thoughts of purging.
No lax tonight, letting my body rest from that and even alcohol.
I'll be in bed still if I don't workout, I've managed to get sleep today, daytime naps instead of actual nocturnal slumber, maybe I am a vampire after all..
This Saturday at my favorite Library is an event that I actually wanna attend..
"The Art of Storytelling International Festival."
Arts and Crafts, Children's authors, face painting, free goodies. Last years attendance was wonderful, my daughter and I learned to sign some, a Deaf Children's author proudly taught an overcrowded tent in the Library's courtyard, a lovely story about an Alligator..I hope I feel better enough to actually enjoy it again this year, my daughter is looking forward to going.

So back to bed I go, hope I'm not getting sick.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


My so called job was in limbo for a week or so since the second interview passed.
I was told I would get a phone call back, I never did.
I called my daughter's Godmother to see if she could find something out.
Today she calls me rather upset.
She tells me I've been dismissed, what a colorful word dismissed.
The Asshole who did my second interview,(and on that day I had the worst vibes from him) he looked like a prick, always go with your gut people..always.
If it doesn't feel right it usually isn't.

The Asshole said that he asked me a question..
"Why do you have so many jobs in the last five years?"
to which my reply was "Because I get bored easily and quit."

Number one this dickhead never asked me that question, my interview with him was very quick and he didn't ask me much.
And two I would NEVER say something so incredibly stupid, who in their right mind would??

So this is why my job was in limbo.
My daughters Godmother sighs on the other end of the phone call. She's frustrated and I feel bad for her.
It's a huge confusing mess and she doesn't know how to fix it.
I tell her maybe he has me confused with someone else.
I say this because during yesterday's follow up call with her she told me that a new CVS is opening in July and that's the one I'll most likely be working at, so I would be training but wouldn't actually be working till then. In the meantime they are hiring people for that store that's being built as we speak. Maybe he had more interviews that day or week, but in any case that conversation between us never happened.

So now what?
How do you think I would take this..bad of course.
I feel stupid for thinking it was so easy, I feel stupid for getting excited about this new job.
I feel stupid for getting my hopes up.
I'm just stupid period.
I say this and will always say..HOPE hurts.
I know I sound so depressive right now and this whole post stinks, but I'm just really sad right now.
I know deep down inside this will pass and I'll be okay, but as for today I'm just gonna let the Ed have me.

I went five whole days Bulimia free, not today.
Today I want to physically hurt as much as I mentally do.
After I stopped crying and having a one way conversation with God I peeled myself off the floor and decided to binge.
I didn't know what to shovel down my throat first, I'm not hungry but even if I was I wouldn't know anyways because I'm all fucked up.
I just took everything out and stood in my kitchen eating this and that not tasting anything, not caring if it would hurt to bring back up.
I got incredibly full fast and that pissed me off. I wanted more, I wanted to be so full I could barely walk and stand up straight, I wanted to feel anxious and my chest to throb as my heart would be so strained.
I wanted to suffer because I feel like I must deserve this. Instead I got full rather quickly.
The purge was effortless because of all the backed up stomach acid.
I plan on b/p a few more times then laxatives, squeeze in a workout and drink to fall asleep.

My daughter got dropped off and my ex is lingering around talking my ear off.
I wish he would just leave, I'm so distraught I can't have a conversation with him, I'm binging as he's talking.
He wants to know what I do on days I don't have my daughter, "So who's the guy you're seeing?" he says in a sad tone.
I can't take it anymore and the Ed side of me gets to talking.
"When are you fucking leaving, I need to throw up now!"
 He apologizes and says he's sorry he hadn't realised I was done binging, I wasn't but he needed to go, I don't want to talk and binge I want to be alone in my thoughts and my hell.
He stumbles out my house locking the door behind him.
Now I can finish.
I'll be dizzy after this purge I'm about to do, so I'll lay down for a bit and quietly panic.
I can't wait to drink, I can't wait for that moment that comes when you've had enough and the sleep takes you.
So that's it, today I am sad, today I am Eating Disordered.


Have you ever woken up not Hungry?
I know at times I deny myself actual sustenance on purpose, but today is actually different.
I genuinely do not feel any Hunger pangs.

I wake up and weigh, my weight is down.
My period is on.
I can honestly admit that I look forward to my period.
I know what you all must think, this bitch is crazy!
My very personal selfish reason is simply this, I always lose weight when I menstruate.
I don't know why but I do..without fail, it makes me lose.
Yes right now I have mind numbing cramps, I feel like I've been shanked in a prison courtyard but it's only because I've been binging on laxatives practically since the month has started.
Today makes 5 days no b/p.
Does this make me happy, of course it does.
Not encouraging Bulimia is a wonderful feeling.
I haven't laxed since Sunday either.
I have been by all accounts and purposes, "good."

Today yes I do not have Hunger.
I was actually trying to conceive eating..something, anything?
I have not.
I kept thinking over and over what could be safe for me to have, but I kept drawing a blank.
No fruit or soups, anything enriched with the much needed Potassium or

Food is such a hassle.
I either binge on a food that would feed a small family of four or I don't eat at all.
I never stop thinking about food.
I sometimes think back at things I've allowed myself to eat the so called "safe foods" and wonder what has changed so much that I can no longer indulge in those.
What happened?

Food has become this thing, a huge burden.
It controls my every whim, weight and losing have replaced most joys I have nowadays.
I have no idea where I went wrong in my life?
What has led to to this, a person who starves themselves.
One day I will die.

The thrill of losing weight is a high I can't explain, it makes me feel accomplished. I know emaciation is frowned upon and it doesn't look good, but my God why do I strive for it?
I'm ashamed to admit having my bones protrude make me feel like more of a person, does that even make sense?
Part of me knows not everyone can lose weight and quickly no less, so when I do, it feels like I'm winning when the hard reality is I'm not.
I'm losing, myself, my health, the people around me.

This is a rare day, I do not want food and the sensible part of me is fighting against that feeling.
The sick Ed part of me should be reveling in it, enjoying and encourage it.
It should tell me right now "good, you're finally doing something right."
I don't feel like that, this is an uneasy feeling today. I feel like it's wrong.

I hope to love myself one day and this shell I inhabit, I pray to God I will.
Wether I'll live long enough to tell the tale remains to be seen.
As long as there is life in me, I'll try my hardest to stop the Ed, to always fight it.
There are days where I will encourage the disease, and then there will be days like today when I actually know better. I know I shouldn't lose so much weight that my ribcage shows and my hips stick out. I shouldn't be proud of looking sick.
I hope to have more days like those.

As for today, well I'm just not hungry.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Welcome Lady Wagon!

I'm sipping on wine and catching up on Blogs.
I may post again later on today, maybe.
 I'll actually have company today seeing as how I'll be childless next three days.
Wish I could say more but I've promised this person that I wouldn't drag them into this whole Blogger Universe.
I'll say this one thing about them though, they make me happy.

Moving along, there is a blog I've just discovered that needs followers.
If you love me you will follow.
I've been reading her post and she reminds me of a former version of myself when I first started my Blog.
I like reminiscing, and I am proud to say I've grown much over these years writing on Blogger.
So Bloggers unite and follow "One foot in front of the other."
Let's show support, it takes a lot to put yourself out there and click send.
Sometimes our very personal thoughts can get misconstrued, we're judged and even bashed.
It's not easy to put yourself out there in any case, but once you do, you've earned my respect and admiration, so please continue Bloggers, keep putting yourselves out there.
What you say and write me always.
So on behalf of Blogger..WELCOME!
Stick around,
 the neighborhood is nice and so are the people.

I love reading Blogs, so if by any chance there are some I haven't followed or am unaware of, please send me your link so I may follow.

In other news I'm missing my friend who's back in treatment.
I've been Mia-free for three days but I've taken laxatives today to purge today's meal *sighs*
I feel really sick now, doubled over actually.
When will I learn?

Ttyl if I have time.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Dog day afternoon

I wake up at 5am this morning,
It's 70 degrees outside but feels lower to me, I'm very cold today.

My ex came over late last night, he has to take my daughter to school today, I have to attend to the business of spaying my cat.
I groggily open the door for him and he looks pretty awake himself, I head back to bed.
My daughter fell asleep in her own room last night and I didn't have the heart to wake her.
My husband brings over the remainder of his whiskey to drink, he plans on staying up late online and drinking, this reminds me of when I lived with him, this was his routine.
He peeks his head in my dark room and asks where the baby is, I tell him he will have to bunk with me just for tonight. I thought I saw him crack a smile, but I could be wrong, I was still nodding off from much needed sleep.

In the am and I'm anxious about driving, I feel sleepy still.
I also wake up incredibly sad today.
I've been skipping meds again, I suspect it's the Depression trying to creep back in.
Sometimes I feel like just letting the thing have me.
It's so hard to fight sometimes, I wonder what's the point.

I grab an Ensure to drink along the way, my cat is loaded in the pet carrier, she is scared and pees on herself.
My other cat stays sound asleep in bed next to my ex.

I arrive at 5:30 am to the Animal Shelter.
There is a long line of cars parked in the darkness.
I was told to be here early, only 25 numbers are given, then they will see no one else today.
I park in the cold and wish I dressed in more layers than I already am.
Around six am the cars start moving, it's time to head inside, at the check in point at the front gate everyone is given a number, I'm lucky 13.
Now comes the long wait inside the Shelters lobby.
In the lobby are cages that contain adult Cats.
They are all starving and meowing. All the cats are.
My sadness doesn't help matters and I quietly shed a tear or two.
There is a woman next to me who decides to make small talk with me to pass the time.
She doesn't have a pet carrier like the rest of us, her cat is in a cardboard box with holes punched in for air.
She wants a pet carrier but doesn't know where to get one. She owns none because the cat in her possession is a feral cat.
She managed to snag him last night for today's surgery.
I feel bad for her seeing as she is an older woman.
I tell her that if she wished after the surgery is done and we are to pick up the cats, we can switch. I'll give her my carrier and she can give me her box.
I can always get another one for cheap, the one I own now is from a Goodwill and it only set me back 12 dollars.
Her eyes light up at my kindness and she agrees.
After the convo has died down some mostly because I am freezing, so much so I'm actually shaking. Outside is no better at a chilly 69 degrees now.
I try not to think about the inevitable possibility for these cats that are up for Adoption.
Instead I look around at everyone else and tell myself look at all these pet owners who love their furry babies so much they wake up early and wait for hours just so they can have a better outcome.
More people come as the morning progresses, Dog owners now to vaccinate their pets.
The change of mindset helps me some.
Sometimes looking at the positive of things rather than the bleak negatives do help me focus and appreciate this and any moment I find myself in.

Around 8am now and the check in begins, numbers are called and cats are registered for the surgeries.
15 dollars and signatures later my cat is hauled off to the vet.
I'm to pick her up at 3pm.

It's 9am now and I head back home more alert and less cold thanks to the sun and the hot that accumulated in my little beetle.
I call my ex when I arrive home and ask him if he can get my daughter from school, I won't have time to.
He'll try he says, he has to work early today.

I start to binge.
I made the mistake of talking to someone as I was binging. Out of character for me but I really missed this person and wanted to talk to them.
Mistake two came in the form of me actually admitting to binging.
I was made to feel like shit because I couldn't or refused to keep what I was eating down.
I should've just lied and said nothing, pretended like everything was honky dory and I don't suffer from an Eating Disorder.
Nobody understands me, I feel like a failure and it's not easy for me to admit that but I am.
I don't know why anyone bothers with me, I will always have an Ed, I will always have bad days.
After the purge I'm dizzy and lay down.
My ex wakes me to tell me that he will pull my kid outta school early, he can't wait till later to get her.
She's dropped off and I'm dressed and ready to head out the door.
My daughter is nervous and hopes the kitty is okay.
We have fifteen minutes to kill at the shelter so I take her to see the dogs, aka The Incentive for bringing her grades up and doing better in school.

My daughter is a ball of energy, every other Dog is "the one" she wants.
She wants them all to be honest.
I go over the deal again, reminding her what she would have to do to earn a puppy and what a huge responsibility it would be, caring for an animal is a full time job.
In one of the kennels, I see a black cocker spaniel named Rambo. He is adorable.
If I had my way, I'd take him home today.

Time is up and we get the cat.
The vet says he has to talk to me, there's something wrong.
My heart drops and I think about all those forms I just signed, death can happen in any surgery. What if she didn't make it.
The vet comes out with paperwork, my cat made the surgery but has something called Cystitis.
Cystitis is defined as inflammation of the bladder. My cat has all the tell tale signs and now even has blood in her urine. I'm told to take her to an Animal Clinic for treatment.
My cat is handed over to me in her crate. I see the little old woman who befriended me seated with her cardboard box at a nearby bench, she was waiting for me, we make the switch and she can't thank me enough for her gift.
In my car I start to cry, I can't afford a Vet let alone much these days.
I haven't started my training yet or work. I'm on a weekly budget that has to cover myself, a seven yr old and two pets.
I don't want my cat to die or suffer.
I call my husband and he simply says "If she dies, she dies."
If it were only so simple, they don't just die do they, there must be suffering first, more bloody urine, more strain on her bladder, infections, painful movements and fatigue. He doesn't get it and why should he.
This news makes me sad like nothing else, what will I do without my kitty who cuddles with me every night. Petting her alone soothes me from the worst state I'm in thanks to the Ed and all the behaviors I do.
My cat doesn't judge me or scold me, abandon me or yell or hit me. It doesn't write me off or stand me up. It's loyal and affectionate and has more manners than most people I know.
In any case there's nothing I can do, for now anyways.
The drive home is blurry thanks to the tears I can't stop now.
I'm driving by a district with warehouses that import/export home goods anywhere, outside there are things for sale including one blue Pet Carrier.
I pull over and ask the man how much it is, he tells me 20$.
My eyes are puffy and my nose is stuffy, my daughter in the back seat with the cat.
I tell him I can't buy it, I had to put gas and now I'm ten dollars less richer.
He tells me he'll give me the crate for 8 dollars if I promise to stop crying.
"I don't like to see a beautiful woman cry."
I agree and so now I have another Pet Carrier, nicer than the previous one I had before.
My cat is carefully transferred and we're headed home.

At home the cat is struggling to walk and wanders from room to room, still heavily sedated. I open a can of cat food and set it out, I didn't expect her to eat, but she actually did, the food did her good.

The cat seems to be doing much better despite the bad health diagnosis, I on the other hand am not.
I ate a piece of fruit and chased that down with a swig of water and twenty five laxatives.
I'll do homework with my kid then sleep the day away.
I don't feel much like anything today.

I has Sad.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Today I'm on the move, searching for a TV for my daughter's room, every time her dad takes her on his days he also takes her little plasma TV as well.
The back and forth of it is tiring.
I decided he should just keep the thing and I'd get her a used one from a thrift store.
He decides to tag along.
The errand is done and we decide to have breakfast afterwards.
We both have coffee and I allow myself two hash browns which I actually keep down.
Somewhere along our small talk, the subject of dog's are brought up.
My daughter wants one very badly.
Lately I'm incredibly frustrated with her school or rather her teacher.
It's nothing but complaints, she talks too much or speeds through tests, I don't know what's going on with her.
I can only blame myself and the parenting on my end.
I always do this, put the strife on myself because I think I'm not good enough.

My husband suggest we go to an Animal Shelter and browse for dogs.
The light bulb goes off and I think it's a good idea.
Maybe we can use her desire for a pet as an incentive, a bribe if you will.
If she can turn her grades and behavior around then she can have a puppy.

In the Animal Shelter we begin.
There are so many dogs everywhere, some in great states of health, others borderline emaciated and abused.
At some point in the shelter amidst the wide eyed hopeful canines I start to cry.
My husband's  eyes tear up too, but he tries harder than I do to stop the waterworks.
These poor animals.
How did they end up here, how can people be so cruel?
I wish I could help them all, but of course I can't.
I feel bad for even picking one when they are all in need of homes.

Another visitor sees my sadness and they smile apologetically before there own eyes get glossy too.
It wasn't my intention to make others cry.

The dogs that break my heart the most are the ones that are quiet.
They stay put in the cages, some of them with their backs turned away from me.
They don't bother getting up, it's as if they know there is no hope for them. Why bother pretending. They know they will die soon enough, I think they are so sad themselves they wish it.
I've felt like them before, so hopeless death looks easier.

My husband leads me away from the kennels that house the larger dogs.
The larger ones are harder to find homes for of course, those are the ones that have the most damage.
They've been abused in the streets or at home, and even here by careless shelter workers.
many of them sleep right next to feces.
Three or four dogs to one small kennel.

I compose myself before heading to the smaller kennels that house small to medium sized dogs.
These are the ones we would have to choose from anyway, both our apartments are too small for anything else.

The smaller dogs are a bit more lively although there are a few with that same hopeless look on their face. They lay still in corners not even bothering to raise their heads.

The dogs wags their tails and melt like butter at my touch, affection, who doesn't love that.
I smile now although I pity them all.

There are so many, there is even a litter of surrendered puppies.
One in particular would not leave me alone. I stuck my finger in his cage and he nibbled it with joy. His puppy breath fans my face and I love it.
As I walk away from his cage he starts to cry and bites the bars trying to get out.

One kennel cage houses two dogs that look exactly alike, they are male and female and immediately you know they are brother and sister.
What if they get separated?
Will they know and mourn the other?
I hate to think of such things.

My ex is like a kid in a candy store, he loves them all.
We start discussing the logistics of adopting a pet.
We would share custody of the puppy. He would take the dog on his days and I would have it the remainder of the week.
The adoption fee is only sixty dollars.

On the way out we pass by the cats, I don't go in.
The kittens and cats would just make me cry all over again.
I don't want to look at them.

I think of my own furry babies at home and how lucky I am to have them. They are so sweet to me and have kept me company when there was never anyone else.
They've seen me at my worst sick with my Ed, and at my most depressed when I thought of ways to quietly exit this world.
The older one a black cat named "Big Kitty" was given to me by my sister.
I didn't want anymore cats. I had a gray American Short hair that I dubbed "Baby boy."
He was my love, I lost him after my husband and I separated and I lived alone for that first awful year.
I vowed to never love another cat again, I just couldn't go through it all over again.
My sister's cat "Cucaracha (roach in English lol) had a litter of kittens, all had found homes but the grunt of the litter.
My sister insisted and wore me down to take the cat. I reluctantly took it, I didn't even give it a name for the first year. Kitty was what I called her, after she got spayed and my daughter could talk better, she started calling her Big Kitty and so that is her name.
My second cat "Nemo" my daughter named it of course, was a stray I found at a Checkers fast food joint.
It was a tiny grey kitten that was eating fries and things behind a dumpster.

Usually not always though cats on the street are wild and won't venture near people, especially kittens, but this one did the opposite.
I tried walking away from her only to find her at my heels.
My ex husband and daughter wanted to bring her home and so we did.

There is a huge crowd inside this Animal Shelter, mostly dog owners. There is a 30$ co pay for vaccines.
There is also a Vet Mobile parked outside.
I inquire about the Vet.
My cat Nemo needs to be spayed badly, her heat cycles are worsening and now she's urinating everywhere.
I clean my house meticulously but still can smell the urine even though others reassure me they can't.
Maybe I'm just paranoid, I sometimes think I reek of sick from the Bulimia.
The cat spaying is only 15$ and as it happens they can take her tomorrow morning at 6am.
My eyes light up with delight.
I don't care how early I have to wake up, this cat's getting clipped!
Me getting up at 5:30 to take my cat in means I can't take my kid to school, my husband actually will sleepover my house later and take her to school.
He loves this idea, I do not but this is more important.
My daughter has S.A.T testing all this week and can't miss class.
My ex can stay in her room and she can bunk with me.
I hope to be sound asleep before and after he comes over.

My husband wishes I had the camera, and could take pics of the dogs for my daughter, a further incentive to the bribe, at the time I said yeah. Now that I think about it I'm glad I didn't.
I now feel as though I would be violating them or putting their misery on display, I know it sounds silly but I know all too well that animals can feel many a thing.
Everything happened as it should and always does.
I'm glad for once I didn't have my camera on me.

So tomorrow my cat gets spayed and I will be able to finally get some relief from a whiny cat in heat.

My Ed is bad today, I hate my weight which now tilts between 110-113 and sometimes 115lbs.
These are all safe numbers but for the most part make me feel bad about myself.
I hate that Ed does this to me.
I know the minute I get below 108 the frenzy to keep losing until I weigh 90lbs or less will start and I don't know if stopping will be so easy.

For now I'm not there yet and I try to accept this weight and try to eat one time a day even if it's hardly what most would consider a meal.
I don't know what else to do.

So that's it for now, let's see what Thursday has in store me.


Today is a bad day with Ed.
If I knew how to break it off with the bastard I would..
The scale is not my friend and projects a number that would dictate how my day will go. It tells me how to feel.
Whilst yesterday was a wonderful non triggering day, today not so much.
I didn't b/p or lax on Monday.
I feel like doing just that today..maybe later.
For now I had to head to the Post Office and pick up not one but two packages now.

My body hurts today, I have a Sunburn from Hell thanks to my sister who kept basting me with tanning oil insisting color will stick.

I should have known better, I think I seriously am suffering from first degree burns.

I head to the Post Office and then back home.
I'm tired today and already fed up with Ed, I need to just be still somewhere.
The first package is a scarf, it's the American Flag. My fake British Facebook Boyfriend Perry sent it to me.
A note is attached and I'm affectionately dubbed "My little Blonde Yank."

The second package is a book!
Weeee I love books :)
It's from the very beautiful and sweet blogger désespérée de maigrir
Her Blog is called Je voudrais mourir pour être mince.
The book is for my daughter, it's called "The Search for Delicious" by Natalie Babbit.

I must say I'm hooked.

The first paragraph reads like this..

"There once was a time when the Earth was still very young, a time some call the oldest days. This was long before there were any people about to dig parts of it off. People came along much later, building their towns and castles (which nearly always fell down after a while) and plaguing each other with quarrels and supper parties. The creatures who lived on the earth in that early time stayed each in his own place and kept it beautiful. There were dwarfs in the mountains, woldwellers in the forests, mermaids in the lakes, and, of course winds in the air."

Thank you so much for this, it's an enchanting story from what I've read so far.

So I b/p 1x today but later on in the day ate fruit and dairy and kept that down.
I managed to workout afterwards and even slept seven hours today.
I'm trying.

I'll get there.
Oh and today I found this as I was about to take a shower.

Centipede, Millipede?
It's certainly impeding on my personal space I'll say!
Panicked like the woman I am before deciding to spray the thing to death with raid and then cringed in horror to remove it out my tub.

This only happens to me.

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