Thursday, December 19, 2013
I had a long night of no sleep.
It's been cold here at night and my Insomnia is being triggered.
I had a rude awakening via texts from my boyfriend.
His ex was back in town indefinitely and that means disruption of everyone's life.
Looks like a standstill, or at least it feels like that.
I compare it to pharmacy life and putting prescriptions on "HOLD" as we call it.
In pharmacy life things get put on hold because of unsolvable issues.
So real life seems no different.
I wish I could say this woman back in town doesn't bother me because it does.
It means uncertainty in my relationship. A toxic, very demanding personality in town needs addressing and my boyfriend is caught in the middle of it all.
Most likely she'll be seeing him everyday on account of her son that my boyfriend is caring for in her absence whilst she does her own thing.
I have trust issues with him as it is, he's never had the best track record with me and this doesn't help the most needed closing divide.
I wake up and start my day.
I head to work.
I run into a manager that was the initial reason behind Secret Santa game at work, I tell her to please try to decipher the name I pulled because I just can't. She does and tells me that she knows everyone's Secret Santa, no one understands the handwriting. She's had to decipher all the tiny folded up pieces of paper.
The Mystery is solved the name starts with and M of all letters.
I punch in and start my job with the floater pharmacist. I put my music on for the both of us and do my job well.
No hiccups or rude customers just one smooth day all around.
After work I walk around Downtown Miami to see what on Earth can I buy a person I've said a total of 20 complete words to.
While walking about someone grabs my arm and gives it a yank.
I turn around surprised and see a familiar face.
Another coworker who I've dubbed Darkwing because his name sounds like that.
He's having sushi on his lunch break, he's sitting outside in the wicker bistro set outside the café. The sunny spot is very inviting after spending three hours in the cold pharmacy.
I sit with him and we start to talk which is nice.
I steal a French fry off his plate and he wants to split his tuna seaweed rolls with me but I must decline as I don't eat fish.
He's a Vegan and tells me so at least a few times a day.
He asks me what are my plans for the afternoon, I tell him I'm on my way to AT&T first; I have my first bill and a salesclerk who've I befriended and has promised to waive a 49$ activation fee from my bill. Second on my Agenda is shopping for a stranger.
He and I exchange Secret Santa info and I pry further. His Secret Santa is actually a very lovely red headed Manager who I just absolutely love.
Every time I see her its all smiles and jokes. I tell him about my person and asks if he knows much about her since he works in the front store with her.
He tells me he doesn't know much about her except she doesn't like sweets.
He also tells me he doesn't like anyone outside of work except me. He says I'm very cool and funny, that he usually likes to laugh and I seem to give him some chuckles everyday.
I have noticed his unfriendly decline at work with others except me.
I also had something brought to my attention recently from a mate of mines.
"You know what I absolutely adore about you? You like to make people laugh, you like to make them smile, even people you've just met. I think laughter puts people at ease and helps them let their guard down. You do that a lot, you like to joke around and that's very sweet in my eyes."
It's true, most every exchange I have with anyone is something that starts with a funny.
I'm glad I can at least do that.
I stay with Darkwing until his lunch break is up and head to AT&T to solve my billing issues.
My salesman is with another client, his head down adamantly reading something, when he looks up he smiles wide and so do I, I wave and silently mouth a Hello not wanting to intrude on the customer he's caring for. He asks me what's wrong, I waive my first bill at him and he understands.
when he's done with the man ahead of me, he very quickly explains my bill and deducts 49$ from my $130.00 DSL bill.
This means I only have to pay 80 on Friday, and that's a relief.
I walk Downtown some more completely clueless as what to buy this very quiet coworker.
I absentmindedly wander into a Hello Kitty store and that helps nothing. I finally pull myself away and just decide to head back the opposite direction to Bayside and find a Victoria Secret.
I'll get her a perfume set.
Inside Victoria's Secret I'm bombarded with so many fragrances that make my sinuses hurt.
They have plenty of sales and so many perfumes I'd love to get myself.
I end up spending 26$ on a $25 dollar sale item. The set I get includes a perfume, body spray and lotion.
That all to familiar stripped pink bag is in my hands and I feel good.
It's been a nice day full of resolutions.
My daughter gets dropped off to me later that day, my ex still not talking to me, even avoiding eye contact.
I shake my head and sigh heavily.
I talk with my daughter for a bit and she goes on the very awesome laptop that the gorgeous Elisa has donated to me (what a doll..Muah!) to play...MINECRAFT!
Oh sweet Peridot, she's a mini you!
I don't pretend to know what Minecraft is, I think I called it Minequest once very confused as my daughter is very fickle with things she obsesses about.
Maybe my dear Peridot can further explain to me what in the world do all these pixelated things mean?
As a matter of fact, she's playing something called MineClones? I guess it's a knockoff; I was trying to download the actual Mine game but didn't know they charged for it.
I'm having trouble with Ed as usual because today I want to eat a Boston cream doughnut and have a French vanilla flavored Iced coffee.
Unfortunately the problem with me wanting to eat is that Ed doesn't let me.
So finally I succumb to just the coffee and give the doughnut to my kid instead.
I feel bad about Christmas this year so I decide maybe I can overdraft on my account to at least get my daughter something, at least one gift under our very tiny 3ft X-Mas tree.
I start to ask her on the walk to 7-11 what she wants from Santa..
2) A giant robotic Dragon (I think it was) she can ride
3) A Unicorn
4) A kitten
5) Little Pet Shop Toys
6) My Little Pony Toys
I had to explain the first three are out of the question, I told her the game Santa can't make in his workshop, he's not tech savvy.
I told her the second one was too big for our small house.
The third was extinct and Santa is forbidden to bring things back from the dead.
I told her the kitten was out of the question. We have two kitties already.
As we talked more on the way back I started to pry about her Dad and was shocked to find out something that made my heart shatter further.
My ex hates that there is another man that comes every weekend, he hates that I 've moved on with my life.
He also drills my kid about what goes on over here on weekends.
My daughter tells me that he knows nothing but she finally spilled the beans and said Mommy he knows and gets mad that I say Michael (my bf) doesn't come over, so Daddy punishes me by making me sleep in the bed for 1/2 hour.
I can't play with toys, or my Hamster or watch T.V.
I cried so much yesterday you can't even imagine.
How dare he punish her?
She's 9, she's done nothing wrong.
How can he punish her for things and people I have over to my apartment that I pay all the bills to?
My poor baby :(
I don't know what to do about my ex.
Clearly we need to have a sit down and discuss this.
I don't know if that would even help matters as clearly he is very angry and most likely this will end badly in a fight, maybe even a possible physical altercation.
I'm scared of him, I'm scared he will hit me, or choke me or worse get really drunk one night and lose his shit, getting back at me thru my daughter by offing her and then him.
I don't think he's in his right state of mind.
I think he's still holding onto the idea of us getting back together or something but it's been about two years of me being on my own.
I've very much have moved on with my little life, working again, paying bills and even finding Love in the most unexpected way.
I wish he would just move on with his life. Be happy himself. He's s still young and could move on.
I don't hate the guy I just hate his attitude.
He and I were together since I was 14yrs old. I've grown up so much since then.
After his infidelity so many things, fundamental life altering things have happened I've become a whole other person. The girl he knew is dead, in her place is someone who is just aware of it all and is very much just tired. She is trying to live.
If only we could all just be honest for once without consequence but that's not how the world works, God we mind what we say so much.
Anyways, I'm very stressed out and sad about this.
I hate confrontation but it has to be done.
I got no sleep last night and got up so tired for work this Morning.
I head to work and there is another floater pharmacist there.
He and I get along great as I've worked with him before. He says he's buying a commercial space soon and opening up his own pharmacy.
I jokingly say I would gladly work for him and he says yes, I'd like that too.
Dragon calls the Pharmacy and tells the floater I am only scheduled for two hours this week.
When he's done talking to her he is upset by this and tells me to talk to Supervisors about her drastically cutting my hours.
I reassure him that when Preggers gets back things will change for the better again.
After I punch out of work at 11 am, I head back to Bayside and just walk around looking at things, doing nothing, enjoying the time to myself.
I decide to overdraft on my bank account and buy my daughter some My Little Ponies.
I go home and wrap up gifts.. I'm happy that I get to tell her I got home from work and there are presents under our little tree.
The happiness goes away when my boyfriend tells me he's with his ex going to Walmart.
Here we go..
I get so upset I finally just say enough.
I don't want to hear any explanations at all.
I'm very tired or worrying about what could happen, if he'll be okay, if I can trust him anymore.
I send him a final text to please leave me alone.
I just can't have one more thing to worry about.
As much as I love this man, this all seems so complicated and I already have enough of that.
I think I just need my space right now.
I need to just cut out that unnecessary jealousy.
I don't like who I become or how I insecure I feel, I'm trying to heal my body and soul but keep finding it difficult.
I think he pussyfoots around his ex too much, constantly worrying about taking a stand and making her be accountable as a Mom and person.
I get upset and recall a huge fight we had where he misconstrued something I said and fought with me calling me a faggit and threating me over nonsense. How big of a Man he was talking down to me, and how he can't be like that with her.
How he can't just tell her what's what.
I feel like a wimp even writing about this, as this is not my place to say so, I can't make him do anything. I can't force my opinion on anyone.
He has to work it out for himself just as I have my own crosses to bear with my own ex.
The only thing I know how to do is just step back.
Right now, I just need to go away, let them work out their issues.
I know anything I say is wrong and I don't want to fight.
I hate fighting or trying to get my point across when it's futile.
Like I said, I need my space.
Today I've taken too many laxatives, I haven't had a single thing to eat.
I'm drinking and just avoiding everything because I just have nothing positive to say.
I feel very hurt and confused and that's okay, I'm allowed to.
I feel bad that I can't even send out X-Mas cards to you all.
I'm that broke guys.
I have to make rent and figure out working on Christmas break. My daughter will be out of school until January 5th I think.
I have a store on the beach that needs me Tuesday but I'm worried if my car can even make it there.
I'm trying to lose weight again.
I've managed to workout today finally and find myself doing random leg lifts or lunges during the day. Anything to burn off calories.
God I hate myself, I hate this body!
Most days I spit in the mirror at my reflection.
I hate who I have become.
I wish I could feel different but it doesn't change. Nothing seems to change or at least I'm too fucked up to see it.
Sometimes I miss the past, I miss when I was really sick and losing so much weight. I miss BONES.
I miss hip and ribs protruding. I miss compliments that were actually just shocked reactions to my altered appearance.
I miss "You're too skinny."
I don't get that anymore.
That's just a distant memory now.
I'm sorry for being so negative, forgive me.
I love you all and you manage to still talk to me despite this completely different Darkness in my life that strangles me.
You're all too sweet and most deserving of many blessings.
The end of the year has always been the toughest for me.
That doesn't change.
And neither do I apparently.
Well, I think I will leave you all for the night and try to sleep.
I love you all so much and very much wish I could be more positive for you all but thank you ever so much for sticking with me despite this despair that takes over..
We'll talk again very soon.
You ever get that panicky feeling in your stomach when you hear something unsettling.
I got that today and it made me scared.
It made me sad and cry even.
I'm tired of feeling that way and the mere idea that someone has that power over me, well I just hate it.
I want to never feel panicky because of someone again.
I don't feel like talking today, I don't want to hear anything today.
I want silence.
I want behaviors, I want alcohol, I want to left alone because frankly that's safer than waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Omigosh am actually blogging!
So It's Tuesday night and I just got out of work an hour ago from that chaotic store.
I'm so tired.
Although that store drives me mad I actually wanted to work there this week, Dragon dropped a bombshell on me last week and told me that I would NOT be working for a complete week, the 23rd on she said. Looks like my little home store has only a 30 hour budget and I'm only part time so I get the ax!
I just paid my 145$ cell phone bill and finally got my Internet bill a jaw dropping $130.00
I have to make rent too but minus a full week of work means I'll be short 400 something dollars.
Christmas is upon us and sadly Santa will be filling our stockings with coal this year.
I haven't told my daughter yet that this year I just can't afford presents.
Me working at that awful chaotic store means I'll maybe just have enough to cover Rent and Internet bills, not much else.
I'm very frustrated and stressed out.
I know I'm not the only one but that doesn't bring me comfort, a lot of my loved ones are skipping presents this year too.
Lets talk about work now.
Well my preggers pharmacist comes back on the 29th and I couldn't be happier.
I know she will be very upset to see the dire straights our Pharmacy has been experiencing with Dragon at the helm.
I'm hoping (God forgive me) that Preggers (who's gon need a new moniker since sans baby) will just ask the powers that be to transfer Dragon out. I like Dragon... sometimes, she's probably a very lovely person outside of work but lately has been just pissing me off. I think the stress of a job as Pharmacy Manager may be getting to her.
She may need to brush up on people skills.
A lot of people skills.
I've been dreading working with her. She doesn't know how to communicate. She's not much in the teaching Dept. either which doesn't help me.
I think she expects me to know it all which I don't, truth is I don't spend enough time in Home store to know all the ends and outs.
You all can't imagine how my self esteem dwindles, how stupid and inadequate I feel at work, how she makes me feel.
I'm just not cut out for that job.
Sometimes I feel great just floating somewhere else because other stores just feel so grateful having me. For instance just this week at Chaotic store whenever I punch in everyone is like "Yay! Lou is here alright Dream Team in the House!"
That makes me feel amazing. I feel needed, appreciated.
At my home store Floater pharmacist who loves my Electronic Dance music, tells me good things, like for example she told me I had highest score in "Action Notes" which just means anytime I have to call patients back for pharmacy issues. See, I wouldn't know if I'm doing a good job or not unless someone tells me otherwise I just think I'm a huge fuck up.
I don't get that positivity from Dragon, she only points out mistakes.
Its hard to keep up that respect for your Boss if they make it difficult.
We did Secret Santa today at work, I really should have said I didn't want to participate because frankly its very hypocritical of me to spend money on a stranger when I can't even spoil my family and friends with any gifts, but I did, because I still love my Home Store and the rest of the staff that works there.
So I said sure I'll play. That almost blew up in my face the second I stuck my hand in the bag with names.
One of my Managers, "Spunky" wrote in her cursive handwriting all the names. I can't understand her handwriting!
OMG! I have no idea who's my Secret Santa.
I have to do Detective work now to decipher it.
The cap on gifts is $25.
I have no idea.
Anyways, I'm hanging in there.
Monday was really hard.
I had a very rude customer who called me a "Stupid Bitch" 3 times.
I felt so mad I held in my tears and asked to go on my break. I proceeded to run to the Ladies Room to cry. I spent the rest of my drive home in tears and cried the rest of the night.
I didn't treat the customer badly or anything, I had a small line of people and the customer stood away from my register, when I said can I help the next person in line? The woman before him, in the line came to my register and he was very upset that I didn't tend to him first. He didn't even look like he was in line. He got loud. He was very disrespectful. He embarrassed me. I just stood there and took it saying nothing rude to him, trying my best to make him see sense in the misunderstanding but to no avail.
Today at work (the chaotic store) was tough too. I worked so much picking up slack here and there.
God, work is hard.
Life outside of work is the same.
Bills, Depression and ED.
I've been very sick with the flu, have been working while sick because I need the money very badly.
My daughter isn't doing so well in school, her teacher says she needs "Focus."
Even going so far as to tell me to Google things to make her focus.
I'm at my wits end with her.
I think I may have to just have her tested for ADHD.
See a psychologist even, I feel so very alone in Parenting.
My Ex isn't talking to me anymore. He's been more concerned with my Boyfriend sleeping at my house every weekend and not much else.
I'm so tired of being the only Adult around here.
I can't count on my Ex to help me problem solve things with my Daughter.
So I continue to do it alone.
I'm very much alone all the time.
Too broke to go out, working all the time. I'm very much marooned on an Island of my own making.
My family is far away and so are any real friends I have.
I sometimes think of a future ahead where I'm essentially Mute.
Mute because there is no other person to talk to. Because everyone I know is somewhere else.
Mute because anything worth thinking is solely in my head.
Mute because I am so utterly Depressing and Boring I have run out of things to say that are worth hearing anymore.
Maybe I'd be doing everyone a huge favor if I just never spoke again.
My Eating Disorder is the same.
It doesn't let me enjoy anything so I constantly deny myself everything.
I'm still Fat. Still have about 30lbs of extra weight that I regret gaining with each breath I take.
Nothing worth wearing fits.
Getting dressed is such a hassle.
Living in this skin is such a hassle.
The swollen reflection that stares back at me in the mirror everyday is not worth living.
Doesn't deserve food.
Doesn't deserve a lot of things and sometimes a small part of me rejoices in the struggle because frankly I'm so very much put in my proper place.
How dare I think things should be different when I've done nothing to rectify anything.
I've just been very lazy when I used to be so disciplined.
No stupid, silly girl, you are exactly where you should be, you want better in this life then my dear be Better!
The Novel is stuck on Chapter 13.
I have writers block.
I don't think my goal of finishing it this year will happen.
So another year where disappointment of my own making will continue.
I wish I had better things to say, good news!
But I don't.
I just have the reality that this is it. Maybe this is as good as it may get for awhile.
I just can't seem to push past enough hurdles to make any real progress.
Not just yet anyways.
Maybe the problem is just me.
Some people are meant to be Martyrs, meant to be examples, Cautionary Tales..
Maybe I should stop expecting things to look different.
So that's it for now.
I'm heading to bed, have a Secret Santa Mystery to solve tomorrow.
I'll leave you all with the pic of the name I pulled.
If any of you could break this code than I'm all ears.
Until then, happy Holidays.
We'll talk again soon.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
It's my baby's birthday and she is now 9 yrs old!!
She came to me in what I thought was my last year on this Earth, at a time when I knew I was no longer living right and every single abuse was catching up to me. In a hopeless prayer in the shower hanging on to shower walls for support I asked the dear Lord for an intervention.
"SAVE ME" and he/she did..
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
My novel is coming along, very soon I will be done, or at least that's what I keep telling myself.
Beta readers email me..
"If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There's no way around these two things that I'm aware of, no shortcut."
"Wherever you write is supposed to be a little bit of a refuge, a place where you can get away from the world. The more closed in you are, the more you're forced back on your own imagination."
But "I think talent as a writer is hard-wired in, it's all there, at least the basic elements of it. You can't change it any more than you can choose whether to be right handed or left handed."
"When asked, 'How do you write?' I invariably answer, 'one word at a time.'"
"You cannot hope to sweep someone else away by the force of your writing until it has been done to you."
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
"It is the working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man."
"A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
"Do all you can to make your dreams come true."
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Yes I'm actually blogging!
I know it's been awhile but I have no internet service and only one working laptop now.
Things are hard.
I'm using this garbage phone of mines as a hotspot. Let's see if this thing even uploads.
So what I can tell you.
Well for starters my car is back and running and all it cost me was 30 in labor to pay my brother to drain the oil in it. Apparently that was all that was wrong with it (that I know of so far) Too much oil flooded the engine.
But it's fixed now so I haven't walked anywhere all week long.
Second thing to discuss?
Hmm well work is okay, my preggers pharmacist had her baby finally, two weeks early!
It was a bouncy baby boy named Sebastian Alexander something..
She's on maternity leave until January, I hope she comes back.
Work has been okay, Dragon and I get along great, I've been feeding her regularly so she's calm.
I do all her Dr's calls so she's enamored.
Work is good, speaking of work guess who called me...
My old home store called me asking if I could fill a shift, I said NO of course, not because I wanted to, but because they called after I had my daughter at home, so even if I wanted to I couldn't do it.
My daughter is great, school is good, her grades are good and she has lots of friends.
Yes from the outside things seem okay.
On the inside No.
God I'm so fucking depressed a huge part of me wants to just slit my neck wide open and bleed out on my kitchen floor.
I'm sorry for being so honest, God forgive me I just don't want to be here anymore.
But I'm here, I'm useless as ever.
October is my favorite month and I don't even think I'm dressing up this year not only because I can't afford anything but because I've just lost joy for things.
Everything just feels so hard, like it's taking a toll for the worst.
I'm just so tired of this, tired of it all.
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