Thursday, December 29, 2011

Celebrity Trainers' Top 15 Workout Secrets

"You'll boost your metabolism for the day. If you wait, something else will come up." -Teddy Bass
*Celebrity clients: Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate, Lucy Liu

"Yes, a 15-minute burst is better than nothing, but it takes 35 minutes to burn off blood sugar before your body can start metabolizing fat." -Andie Hecker
*Celebrity clients: Ginnifer Goodwin, Natalie Portman, Kristen Bell

"You need a way to monitor your body, but clothes are a better indicator. Every week, try on the same pair of jeans." -Ramona Braganza
*Celebrity clients: Jessica Alba, Anne Hathaway, Kate Beckinsale

"You don't work out as intensely, which means you burn far fewer calories than if you go hard for that same amount of time." -Tracy Anderson
*Celebrity clients: Gwyneth Paltrow, Madonna, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Richie

"Doing a little bit all the time is so much better than doing a lot once in a while." -Gunnar Peterson Celebrity clients: Halle Berry, Kim Kardashian, Sofia Vergara

"I don't like banning a food completely, because then you'll crave it the most." -Teddy Bass

"You burn more calories when you work your upper and lower body at the same time. Jumping on a mini trampoline while doing different ballet arms, using a weighted jump rope, or swimming for 20 minutes are all good options." -Andie Hecker

"Fuel yourself 20 minutes before a workout with a protein bar. But don't down a sports drink or coconut water after-you'll be drinking calories when water would be fine." -Tracy Anderson

"You can't keep doing the same Spinning class or 20-minute jog and expect a different result." -Teddy Bass

"Don't do juice fasts or cleanses-they're not effective, sustainable, or healthy." -Harley Pasternak
*Celebrity clients: Jennifer Hudson, Lady Gaga, Megan Fox, Katy Perry

"Instead of jumping rope for ten minutes, do it for 100 jumps. If you measure accomplishment by time, there's no incentive to go harder." -Gunnar Peterson

"Working out five days a week is great; six or seven isn't better. Your muscles actually react better when they have downtime to recuperate." -Ramona Braganza

"You're more likely to eat when you're sitting than when you're moving around." -Harley Pasternak

"Muscles get smart and strong fast, so change your routine every ten days. It takes that long to make a change in your body, but over time a workout gets static and less effective." -Tracy Anderson

"It's not only what you do in the gym, but also what you do the other 23 hours a day. Take the stairs, park far away, or get out of the cab and walk." -Harley Pasternak

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

R.I.P Macho

Today makes one complete year since my uncle has passed away.

I think back to this time last year and it was unbearable. I was alone and miserable. One year later the feeling has doubled.

Monday my daughter woke up sick, she had horrible diarrhea and was on the toilet all day long. There was nothing I could do much, gave her medicine and plenty of Pedialyte so she wouldn't dehydrate. I hate having a sick child, feel so helpless. My husband was hungover from the night before X-Mas drinking binge. He mostly stayed in the bed all day and out of my way. We were on non-talking terms since he ruined my night.
I didn't cook anything but managed to find something to binge on upping my weight back to 108.6, bloated and uncomfortable. Managed to workout though later on in the night while my daughter slept from exhaustion and her stomach settled.
My sister hearing the depression in my voice tried to comfort me and even made a joke on how my daughter must have gotten into my laxative stash and ate some. Hmm bad joke. My husband awoke hours later smelly and sorry.
He's always sorry.

Tuesday was better for my daughter, she only ate a small bowl of soup and not all of it even. She looks so skinnier and weak. At least she managed to drink plenty of fluids. I myself have not been drinking much fluids unless you count alcohol.

Best Buy Bound on Tuesday for a return of merchandise. A spare camera battery that didn't fit.

I'll take the lot!

The returns line at the Customer Service we long, my knee was killing me and standing for hours doesn't help. I can't wait for January to get my knee checked. I may even buy a cane..leopard print of course, just to help me walk, that's how bad it's gotten.

After Best Buy and 30$ richer I wanted to eat something but didn't know what?
I decided on steak and eggs. I couldn't wait to binge and barely cooked the steak. I got full too fast, couldn't even fit some apple pie I had stashed in the back of my fridge. The purging was tedious and at some point in the whole process I actually choked not once but twice on a piece of steak. The feeling was frightening but I managed to get it out and save myself. No one outside the bathroom door ever knew I was in peril. I was exhausted and had to lay down while my husband started drinking again and now had the game on. After I got rest I worked out.
My good friend got out of the hospital finally and seems to be doing well, no longer purging but she says she didn't gain any weight while she was away. She is maintaining at a low weight.
She actually asked me what my goal weight was. I don't like when anyone asks me that, I think it's a stupid question. I have no goal weight, I've learned to live my life one day at a time because that's all I can fathom right now. Things change so rapidly even death is possible. Will I keep losing..iono??
So no I don't have a specific number on a scale what will make everything all better, nothing makes everything all better only you can. My life can't revolve around what I eat or don't eat. I'm trying to find work and get out of an abusive marriage. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life and start over again. I don't want to spend my entire life in front of a screen only bothering to move to go vomit and that won't be me.
I had a life once, I'll have it again.
I miss people and family. I miss working. I miss doing things and laughing, giving back. I have to keep reminding myself that these things are important too not just weight and numbers, calories and such. I get so fucking tired of talking about numbers seems like I've had a lobotomy. I must be so boring how I managed to still have followers is beyond me?
I want 2012 to be different, I know it's there the change that I've been waiting for.
I got my confirmation letter in the mail today, it says I am to be transferred to the next available 2 bedroom. What a relief, see one thing that's already turned around for me. My baby's god mama called me to tell me someone quit at her job. See one more thing, a possible job.
So I know things will get better for me. I just have to get the ED under control. I may need some space away from triggering things too and if I can't have to learn to not turn to the ED for support.
New things to learn, real resolutions for the New Year.
I hope I can follow through and stop talking outta my ass so much.
108.2 today. That's okay.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Twas the Nite before X-Mas..

10 Things Trainers Wish You Knew About Your Workout

Are you undermining your workout?

1. You Need to Switch Up Your Workouts
"After doing the same cardio or strength routine three to six times, your body adapts and you burn fewer calories," says Michael Sokol, the owner of One-on-One Fitness Personal Training Services, in Chicago and Scottsdale, Arizona. Eventually your results--weight loss, muscle definition--will slow down. Also, repeatedly placing stress on the same muscles and joints could lead to an overuse injury.

Action plan: Once a month, change one thing about your cardio and weight-training regimens: Take a Zumba class in lieu of your Saturday walk, for instance, or use a resistance band instead of dumbbells. Bonus: Mixing things up may help you stick with exercise. A 2001 study conducted at the University of Florida, in Gainesville, found that people who varied their routines enjoyed their workouts more--and exercised more regularly--than did people who went with the same thing every day.

2. Cardio Isn't the Magic Bullet for Weight Loss
While biking, running, and walking are great for your heart, "research suggests that it's difficult to lose fat when you do only cardiovascular activity," says Jeff Halevy, a celebrity trainer and the CEO of Halevy Life, a health and fitness service company in New York City. Although aerobic exercise will burn calories, it doesn't really change your metabolism. What does: lean muscle mass. "Muscle helps you burn more calories even after your workout is over," says Halevy. The more lean muscle mass you have, the higher your resting metabolic rate (the baseline amount of calories you burn in a day), says Wayne Westcott, Ph.D., the director of fitness research at Quincy College, in Quincy, Massachusetts. Women tend to lose five to seven pounds of muscle in each decade of adulthood--one reason why the pounds creep on as we get older. Westcott's research has found that if you do strength training three times a week, you can add an average of three pounds of muscle in about three months, increasing your metabolism by 6 to 7 percent.

Action plan: Keep doing cardio three times a week, but add two or three strength-training workouts. Aim to work all the major muscles over the week; complete one to two sets of 8 to 12 repetitions of each exercise. To get started, check out the website of the American Council on Exercise for an extensive library of weight-training moves.

3. Wimpy Weights Will Get You Nowhere
According to the "overload principle," for muscles to become stronger, they have to be challenged with a load that's heavier than what they're used to. (Think about the weight of your handbag--dinky three-pound dumbbells just don't compare.) Without challenging your muscles, "you can't substantially strengthen or tone them," says Halevy.

Action plan: Choose a weight that you can lift for only 10 to 15 repetitions before losing good form--trainers call this "working to failure." (That doesn't mean your arms should feel like noodles when you're done, or that you can't bang out a second set after a minute or two of rest.) Don't worry: You won't bulk up. "Women's bodies have a biological limit on how much muscle mass they can build," says Halevy. "It's hard for women to get big without using steroids."

4. Muscles Come in Pairs; Train Them that Way
Most of us focus on what trainers call the mirror muscles--the ones you see when you look in the mirror (biceps, quadriceps). But just as every action has an equal and opposite reaction, every muscle has a mate that works in the opposite way. For example, you use your triceps to extend your arm and your biceps to bend it. To avoid imbalances that can lead to injury, it's essential to train both equally.

Action plan: Consider doing weight training in what's known as a split. Work, say, your biceps and hamstrings one day, then your triceps and quadriceps the next. This way, you'll hit every muscle pair over the course of a week. One exception: the back muscles. "Many women have weak back muscles from working at a computer all day," says Carly Pizzani, a New York City-based personal trainer. If you're deskbound from nine to five, follow a two-to-one ratio when working your back and chest. That is, for every exercise you do for the chest, do two for the back.

5. Crunches Aren't Crucial for Strong Abdominals
"They're not the best exercise choice, because they strengthen only a few of the muscles in your core," says Pizzani. What's more, if your abs are weak, doing crunches could cause a strain on your neck, since you'll probably be pulling on it in an effort to lift your torso.

Action plan: Although you don't have to eliminate crunches from your repertoire, you'll get more bang for your buck with moves that work the entire core area. The plank is a good one: Lie facedown on the floor with palms down and forearms under your shoulders. Tuck your toes under and tighten your abs to lift your torso. Keep your body in one line from

head to feet. Hold for 30 seconds.

6. A Workout Doesn’t Merit a Post-Gym Pig-Out

When you’re feeling virtuous after you’ve exercised, it’s easy to eat back all the calories you just burned (and then some). If you’re looking to lose weight, that won’t help you toward your goal, says Molly Morgan, a registered dietitian and a board-certified sports nutritionist in Vestal, New York. (It’s not OK to collapse on the couch afterward, either: In a 2009 study published in Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise, long periods of sitting were associated with an increased risk of death, even for exercisers.)

Action plan: To stave off grazing after exercising, have a healthy snack an hour or two after your workout. And stay mobile as much as possible. Take the stairs, do a loop around the office, or pace while you’re on a conference call.

7. Bad Form Is Bad News When You’re Strength-Training

“When I see someone lifting weights with improper form, I get concerned,” says Sokol. “Not only can it diminish results but it can also lead to injury.”

Action plan: Even if you’ve been weight-training for a while, it’s a good idea to brush up on form. You can find videos that illustrate good lifting form on Or, even better, invest in a session with a personal trainer. A few general tips: Count “one one-thousand, two one-thousand” as you lift the weight, says Sokol, and “one one-thousand, two one-thousand” as you lower it. “If you lift too fast, you let momentum, not your muscles, do the work,” he says. When doing upper-body exercises, keep your wrists straight; when doing squats and lunges, align your knees and ankles; and when bending over for an exercise (like a dumbbell row), keep your back flat. Always keep your neck aligned with the rest of your body.

8. Working Out on an Empty Stomach Won’t Burn More Fat

A common belief is that if you exercise before you eat, your body will turn to its fat reserves for energy instead of the food in your stomach. In fact, it’s just the opposite: In a 2011 study published in the International Journal of Sport Nutrition and Exercise Metabolism, people experienced a bigger boost in metabolism—meaning, burned more fat—when they exercised after eating breakfast than when they did the same workout on an empty stomach. The authors of the study theorize that when you eat before exercising, your body uses more oxygen, resulting in a metabolism spike and an improvement in fat burning.

Action plan: Eat already! Even a small snack with carbohydrates, protein, and a little fat, eaten a half hour before, will power your workout, says Morgan. Good choices: low-fat yogurt and a banana, whole-grain cereal and low-fat milk, or oatmeal and fruit. Or make it really easy and choose a fruit-and-nut bar, such as a Lärabar ($28 for 16,
9. A Death Grip on the Cardio Machine Strains Your Body and Burns Fewer Calories

When you hold the treadmill or stair-climber handles so tightly that your knuckles turn white (because you can’t keep up with the speed, perhaps), your body is forced into an uncomfortable position, which can put strain on your muscles. And “because your legs don’t have to work as hard when you lean on the machine, the number of calories you burn plummets,” says Deborah McConnell Plitt, a trainer for the Life Fitness Academy, in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Action plan: Maintain proper form. On the treadmill, you should be able to stand tall and pump your arms. On the stair-climber, keep your body centered over the pedals, with your head up and shoulders relaxed. It’s OK to hold the handrails lightly, as long as your posture is correct.

10. The Fat-Burning Zone Isn’t Really a Fat-Burning Zone

If you’ve ever played around with the controls on a cardio machine, you may have experienced the “fat burning” program, in which you exercise at a low, steady intensity. The idea is that low intensity is better for weight loss than more vigorous effort, because you can sustain it longer. But studies show that even in a shorter workout, boosting your intensity can burn as many, if not more, calories than long, steady-state cardio. And “when it comes to losing or maintaining weight, it’s the total number of calories that counts,” says Halevy. Plus, by working harder, you can get out of the gym faster.

Action plan: Slow, steady workouts are a good place to begin if you’re just starting a cardio routine. But as you get more fit, bump up the intensity. Try interval training once or twice a week on nonconsecutive days: Work at a high intensity for a short spurt (say, 30 seconds), lower the intensity to recover (for 90 seconds), and repeat for 20 to 30 minutes.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Bring it On

"You see, when you skip a meal, your body feeds off it"s fat stores. If you skip enough, maybe your body will eat your ass." - Sparky Polastri, Bring It On

I'm happy, my case worker from Housing called me to tell me that I'm officially on the list and I should get my copy of place on the list in the mail next week.
Woo hoo I hope I can move soon.
I'm still 108lbs but I'm going to work on that, going to bring that down if it kills me!
I was supposed to go to my friend's birthday party but Bank of America decided to bombard my checking account with hidden fees and practically wiped my account clean, I don't have enough for gas and my husband snuck out the house to work so I wouldn't bother him to gas up my car for me. He did this so I had no choice but to stay home.
Oh well, at least I can control what I eat here, at the party would've probably binged and blown 108 entirely..
I went on Craig's List and applied for a receptionist job at a medical office, I emailed them my resume and hope to hear from them again. There are three cleaning jobs I'd like to apply for but can't my daughter is home until January 3, I can't start immediately if I was hired, I have no babysitter.
I saw an ad for an escort service too, I think I may apply for that if I can't find anything come January. I have no self esteem and really need money to claim my independence from my husband. I need out of this abusive relationship.
Maybe it won't be so bad?
I don't know what to do anymore, I need something to change for me finally and I'm willing to do anything. I know jobs in the sex business are frowned upon but what choice have I.
So wish me luck that the other jobs get me first, if not I see my future on my back..

Bah Humbug! Scrooge was onto something kids

My knee hurts.
I think I need to see a Dr.
It hurts to walk or lay still or anything.
I hope it's not surgery or bone loss or who knows what else. I hate hospitals.
Monday was spent sleeping in and watching movies. I cooked ground beef and white rice. B/p on that twice. Was too weak to workout plus the knee did me in.
Tuesday was the day to shop. Christmas presents for my daughter.
We went Downtown and got her a few things, what we could get with limited means. I'm not getting anything for Christmas I suspect, oh well I'm used to it. As long as my daughter is happy the rest doesn't matter.
I hate these type of gift giving holidays, makes the loneliness more felt. Reminds me that I have no one here that cares about me.
I'm lonely. I miss having someone to share things with. I miss laughing and making someone smile. I miss having someone go crazy for me and tell me they miss me..

After the drive back home my husband decides to eat at Checkers. I hadn't eaten all day or b/p. I thought I could eat something and try to keep it down. A burger and fries, maybe an ice cream cone too. I thought having actual food in me would help my metabolism and give me that much needed energy I've been lacking..
That was the idea..I almost made it too.

 Walking around full of food was too painful. It had me hunched over in pain. My back was cramping up and I was having spasms. I tried my best, I really wanted to keep it down but I couldn't. My body was rejecting the foreign matter.
At home I had to purge.
Eating a normal meal may never happen with me again. I can't remember when is the last time I actually sat down and ate at a table without running to the bathroom afterwards. When was the last time I actually ate a proper meal, not a shake or water or candy, but food, actual stuff that you see suggested in the Food Group Pyramid?
Food. What a pain.

So today I had to cook a Roasted Pork Shoulder, my husband entered me in some cook off at his job, the prize being 100$ gift card.
I got up at 6am to cook this, by 3pm it was done and I had managed to stay in bed all that time. I avoided hunger pains and breakfast.
I thought my chances at winning were going to be good.

My husband gets home at 1am and tells me that I lost. He then proceeds to give me gift certificates for free food at the Olive Garden.
I'm pissed, I told him to never bother me again with any kinda anything. I blew 20$ on a pork shoulder to feed other people and got nothing for my troubles. I could have saved that money and put it towards our own Christmas dinner.
I feel foolish. I don't know why this is bothering me so much.
Tonight is about playing the fool.
Happy Tuesday got me good too.
Our conversation got fresh and he did what all men do which is roll over and fall asleep after orgasms. I guess it was my fault as usual, sent him and a whole slew of people Christmas cards yesterday, Happy Tuesday's had a lil gift in there, apparently he wanted a souvenir from me, G-Strings awaaaay!

Well I should go to bed.
Have b/p 2x today and my weight has ballooned back to 108.6..
I got invited to a birthday party tomorrow night, will stop by for a few.
They are also inviting me to Fat Tuesday for drinks, I can't go have no sitter, money, designated driver. I suck.
No eating tomorrow!
If I can't lose weight then what good am I? Just another blimp on the map I suppose.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Where is the Anvil?

I'm still sick with the flu.
I'm feverish and incoherent. Been bedridden and now 108lbs.
My period is killing me with cramps. Being bedridden isn't as much fun as it sounds. You run outta things to do and dreams with a 103 fever are awful. I keep having nightmares with food undertones.
I've been reading and on YouTube. Sipping tea for my cramps and sleeping.

"Skinny" by Ibi Kaslik
Monday night was spent in bed wrapped in a burrito like state trying to keep the hot and cold flashes at bay.
Happy Tuesday popped up for a chat, or rather a depressing chat. I had to end our conversation early. God he drowns in cups of water sometimes. There are bigger problems that most of us face daily and don't complain as much. I really need to get a new set of friends. I wish Santa would bring me a feelings repellent. I've been working on trying to feel less for him, he's going to hurt me anyways this I know..I need a lifetime partner not a partime lover.
Maybe this could be a 2012 resolution?
I went to bed soon after and this morning decided to head to the Housing Agency and check on my case. My daughter has been complaining about an earache and my fear is a roach has moved in. My apartment is infested with them, I swear one of the roaches gave me the finger the other day.
My husband drops my daughter off at school this morning while I drag my feverish flu riddled body outta bed. I weigh and yes 108lbs again.
Great, where is 107?? why can't I lose anything other than my mind?
I dress in layers and its a cool 75 degrees outside. It feels like 40 to me.
My husband drops me off at the Housing Department's front door and I instantly get apprehensive. I hate talking to any kinda official, my anxiety always gets me and I clam up. In the large building's lobby I wait for the front desk clerk to call me forward.
Here we go...
Before being allowed to go upstairs and past the security, my license is scanned and I'm taken a picture of. The clerk does a double take and the usual song and dance over my weight loss is brought up. The clerk wants to lose 15lbs by New Year's..
She looks like she weighs 130lbs and stands at 5'5..I think she looks thin to me and good for her age, she has to be pushing 45 I think.
She gushes over my loss and wants detailed instructions on how to lose immediately. I sigh silently and tell her the company line. Exercise, eat moderately, no sugar or soda, fast food..blah blah how does anyone buy it. I hear myself give advice and I can't stand it. I remember when I was pushing 200lbs hearing thinner people give me advice on how to lose and I would think to myself it's all bullshit and I would rather jump out a window. Yet here we are the shoe on the other foot and now I'm the annoying thinner person flapping their gums.
I finally gain clearance and head upstairs. I want to know about this supposed waiting list I'm on, it's been two years now, I know these things take time but crikey I'm getting older and so is my kid.
I speak to two women who tell me my case worker who manages my building's tenant files won't come in till Thursday, I can come back and speak to her. They give me odd looks when I mention just how long I've been on this list. I'm starting to worry. They refer me to the leasing office that's near my old neighborhood and tell me to head there and ask to just to make sure all is on the up and up.
In that building's lobby my social security is ran and the bomb gets dropped.
I'm not on the list. Looks like maybe my cunt case worker forgot to hit the send button on that application's email.
Two years I've been given the run around-TWO YEARS!!!!!
Every time I would ask about my case and the list I was told I had to wait, I was not a priority, just wait. of course I'm not a priority, she didn't even bother opening my file and checking to see who I was.
Well no more. I'm tired of waiting, look what waiting has cost me.
I go back Thursday and will try to sort this all out with her supervisor. I don't know how this is even legal.
I have a breakdown in my car and haven't stopped crying all day. My husband is very quiet today. He told me earlier to "have faith." I chewed him out.
I feel like I'm being punished all the time, I told him I hope he's happy for ruining my life. I wish I never met him. If he hadn't decided to stick his dick elsewhere I wouldn't be here today. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, all I know is that I wanna slit my fucking wrists. I keep waiting for the anvil to drop on me already.

Well what else..the fish died today.
Yup the fucking fish dies!
My daughter took it okay, she was all too excited to give him a burial at sea.
I'm still feverish and have b/p 1x today. As I write this I picture pizza.
I'm also dizzy so I won't b/p anymore. Every time I get up everything tries to fade to black.
I wanted to binge on laxatives too, but have decided against it.
I'm so depressed.
Happy Tuesday is too, he popped on my messenger and started that wallowing business again. Said he's depressed because he can only afford to give his loved ones one gift a piece.
Wow, really??
I'd like to have those kinda problems for once.
I'm so lonely, wish I had someone to cuddle with and nurse me back to health. It stinks to have noone that loves me. I always end up with these oddballs, they all want a temporary fix. No one wants a long term relationship anymore.
When did people stop lovingone another?
Bah Humbug.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Nutcracker

Tonight was my daughter's Holiday Winter Show at her Charter School, this year's show was The Nutcracker.
It was a great show.

I managed to go three whole days Bulimia free, but today did not carry over.
After coming home from the show I b/p on chicken and rice. I fall asleep from exhaustion right afterwards.
This morning its a chilly 50 degrees here.
I'm tired and my body aches all over.
I go weigh and I'm at 109.4 and I'm spotting, my period is coming on.
I'm not happy, gaining anything does not sit well with me.
I've started skipping meds again, even my vitamins.
My bowels are shot, but thanks to the miracles of enema I'm able to ease the bloated feeling.
I feel depressed, I keep worrying about where I'm going to get income from.
January is right there.
My sister offered to live with me for a week after my husband moves out. I can't wait, I'm not used to being alone officially. Maybe she can make the transition easier for my daughter too. A welcomed distraction. I know if I survive January, it will be hard not to have a breakdown.
I keep thinking about how all of this will effect my daughter?
Just like the ED keeps me from any kinda recovery, the cycle of being in an abusive relationship does the same thing. It keeps me second guessing myself and wondering if I should just stop wishing for more or a better life, maybe I don't deserve that. Maybe I should just get off my high horse.
After dressing my daughter for school my husband wakes up and decides to take her instead of me.
I crawl back into bed and start to doze off.
My husband returns and gets in my bed.
I sleep clutching a pillow. I've slept this way after I lived alone for the first time when my husband and I split up when my daughter was two.
It was the first time in more than a decade that I didn't have someone in my bed.
I remember sleeping alone those first few months, they were awful, I cried myself to sleep every night. The pillow came in handy, something warm to hug and snuggle against, something that didn't make me feel so alone. To this day I need two pillows to sleep with and I think I always will.

When my husband got in my bed, I placed the pillow between us as a barrier, I already saw where this was leading and felt uncomfortable. He proceeds to make the situation worse.
"C'mon just let me cuddle with you it's cold outside." he insists while tugging at my pillow.
Why do you make it worse for yourself?
I don't like that, leave me alone!

He doesn't listen and it blows up into a huge fight. I remind him that I don't love him and wanna live alone,
 he calls me a selfish bitch and tells me to go fuck myself.
He goes shower and dresses for work then decides to go back to sleep in his own bed.
I fall back asleep and wake up after noon. He wakes up too and keeps getting ready. I dress to get my daughter and figure he would be in a better mood.
I ask him if he wants to take the leftovers from dinner to work as he mentioned doing so last night.
He tells me to throw the food away and acts like an asshole again.
He leaves.
I drive to my daughters school to go pick her up and he's already there. His car is parked in the adjacent building's almost vacant parking lot. I park my car next to his and roll down my window. He leans into my door.
"Why can't we work it out."
I tell him its because I no longer am in love with him.
I just wanna work and start over with my life.
He begins to tell me I'm throwing away years of history, I told him he did that already when he decided to have an affair.
I told him the reality is we are strangers. I don't know him anymore and I'm not the same girl as before. Too many things have happened that have hardened my heart. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't trust anyone.
He says we have tons of things in common. He begins to list things that aren't even nouns. Listening to him talk infuriates me. Why doesn't he just get it?
We don't have anything in common, not a single thing other than we share a child together. After 10 minutues of a wasted effort on his part he leaves after my daughter is seated and buckled in my back seat.
I drive back home where I immediately get to binging and purging.
I feel like shit.
I'm scared to not find a job soon.
I may have to do degrading things for money.
I may start drinking more even just to forget them and myself.
Sometimes I think God has abandoned me.
I think maybe I'm just a bad person and that's why my life is so awful.
I must be, I've never been this miserable before.
I don't wanna live anymore. I wish I didn't have a reason to.

I wanna give up thinking that I will ever meet someone again, maybe I shouldn't
Love and all that gets you in trouble. It always ends bad, I'll just get hurt again.
How can I even possibly love anything again with this broken heart of mines.
All I wanna do is just dry up to nothing.
Weigh nothing.
I want my outsides to match my inside.

I'm just tired of fighting, so so tired..

Monday, December 5, 2011

I'm taking care of my procrastination issues today. Just you wait and see.

Monday, so we meet again.
Today is one of those days where I feel like Garfield the cat dreading the beginning of the long boring week.

I've taken my meds today, trying to kick this depression bout. It's not easy to slow the beast down but I have to be able to function. Depression is awful and it brings out the worst in me. I start to feel sorry for myself and the wallowing helps nothing. I have to pull it together, there is no other way. December is the month that I have to pull a rabbit outta my hat, have to get my act together. The clock is ticking and I will be on my own soon.

The dreaded weigh in, ugh not looking forward to stepping on the scale but I have to. I didn't b/p yesterday after my tumultuous day at Walmart. I did workout though. I have no idea where I get the energy to do so but I managed. So I expect the scale to read 110lbs still, I expect a plateau.
I undress step on the scale and wait for the little red numbers to flash and dictate how my day will go.

Holy shit 108.8!
What the deuce??
One day of actual fasting and working out like a mule actually knocked me back down to this weight?
Praise Jebus!!
I didn't realize that I was smiling until my Husband walked in on me.
"What are you doing?" he eyes me up and down, scrutinizing look on his hungover face.
Last night I went to bed early, and left my yahoo messenger open. Happy Tuesday woke me up. The night before he and I had an amazing conversation, so amazing I went to bed with an actual smile on my face. We go down memory lane a lot and start rehashing how great it is to be around each other in person. Then it gets a little bit naughty and boom instant gratification for us both.
No repeat Sunday night though, instead I chat with him while my husband watched The Food Network pre-recorded shows on the DVR talking his whiskey clouded head off to me. I paid attention best I could but listening to him was giving me an actual headache. His whiskey slurred convo really stunk. When he's saturated with that liquor smell he reminds me of my mother sitting in the living room in the dark talking and cussing at me, telling me things like I wish I could give you up for adoption, or you don't love anyone do you??
At 12years old this is the last thing I want to hear, what the hell did I do other than breathe to merit such put downs??
After a nice non sexual chat with Happy Tuesday my husband started giving me dirty hateful looks, this was the sign to cut the conversation short otherwise I'd be in Fight Country pretty soon. Sometimes I think my husband is a drink away from going upside my head. I won't test that theory.
Happy Tuesday had his own troubles, the Ewok just woke up and was pissed. She's jealous of our friendship and me in general. So we stopped chatting at 2am much to both our disappointment.
Hubby and I went to bed twenty minutes later.

I'm just weighing myself I tell him.
"How much you weigh today?" when he looks at me I wonder just what he sees.
I weigh 115lbs ugh so FAT!
My husband rolls his eyes and closes the door. Once I start with the weight talk he bolts. He's tired of telling me otherwise. He's tired of trying to convince me the Fat Girl no longer exists, and the weight gain is all in my head.

I lie to him about my actual weight.
I think I'm going to start lying about how much I really weigh to non-disordered folk. Why you ask?
Well after my last fight with Happy Tuesday and how he threatened to stop being my friend if I lost more weight, what's to say others won't feel like that too. Maybe I can lose all I want and answer to no one.
I'm giving myself all of December to lose as much as I can. Gonna try.
So I shower and dress to start Monday.
My daughter has her school play on Wednesday. Her costume is not all together yet so this means going back to Walmart.
Walmart is a War Zone.

I think it's because they still have Lay-away going on.
It has to be. So many people in the store. I've already popped a Buspar and I'm doing fine. I hate crowds and waiting. My arms and legs are so sore from yesterday's up and down the stairwell. Good thing no repeat today.
The truth is the fact that my weight is back down makes me so hopeful. Maybe I can finally bring this back down to entirely.
Browsing the store and grabbing all I can whilst bumping into carts and rude customers the shopping is done. I even manage to get the shake and hair dye today.
I found me a nice dress for the event at school too. I'm hoping it won't be too cold out seeing as it's a short dress I will be wearing.
I want to look my best for my daughter.
The irony of it all is that around this time last year I was 109lbs.
I can't believe I've been yo-yoing all this time. The bulimia is ruining me.
I was once 102lbs and before I had my daughter 95lbs. I can do this again.
I will lose this weight again.

She and I made a Gingerbread House the other day, I posted pic on FB but not Blogger, I've plum forgot, nevertheless here are both sweet goodies.

I plan to workout some more and there are leftovers in fridge so won't need to cook. I plan to go for a walk tonight with my daughter and husband. I want some fresh air.
I still have no idea what to do for work but I'm still applying to anything. I hope God can put something in my way soon.
The Boy and I have cooled things a lot. We tether more along the lines of friends now. I like it.
The pressure is off.
It's a little awkward at times but we manage, we're still finding our footing. I won't hurt him, he's a great guy and will make some lucky girl very happy one day, but not this girl.
I'm looking for more.
I'll find it, there's plenty of time for that later on.
Right now my focus is getting my life in order for my daughter. So we can have a second chance. A happier one.

Lil Miss B. (1month old)

So small she fit in a Christmas stocking. They grow up so fast. Everything I do is for her, all the pain I endure so she won't, all the hustle and bustle, my purpose on this earth is to make sure she is okay.


New Blog! Follow this new installation of my life. Although, I will be back; here i...