I woke up at 3:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep.
I could hear the entire neighborhood as it awoke.
There was the occasional car near my building starting up, a garbage truck, school busses zipping by and of course as it neared 6am, I hear the strange woman and her kids who sit outside on my stoop every morning. This stranger and her kids just plop themselves on the steps outside and wait on a school bus., afterwards she leaves. I wish she would say good morning or hello or even nod her head and acknowledge me as I walk out and head to work every morning. She doesn't and I just find the whole thing odd, I mean she's like less than five feet away from my apartment door.
Well you would think that I would arrive on time to work today seeing as how I hardly slept but no. I got to work late again.
I've been arriving to work late this week and all of last. No one says anything to me and that's a relief.
Today is the loooooooong day aka Wednesday. I fucking detest Wednesday like you couldn't imagine.
Once upon a time when I was a manager at a KFC, I would have to open the store every morning, and in such I would sit on the bed and cry, or cry in the shower. I hated my job so much.
Well years later and we have weeping Wednesday.
It wouldn't be so bad if there were other people working too, but it's just Dragon and I for 13 hours straight.
As a matter of fact both of our registers have been taking turns breaking down, it's all on account of this whole new "Chip Reader" bullshit that was created. What a stupid waste of time. I don't know if all of you have that where yall's stay at but in Florida we do. It takes about 3 minutes for each transaction. It is super long, and that's not counting the extra time added by my stupid patients who can't follow directions.
Once you insert your Debit/Credit card "chip" first into the machine it tells you in Caps lock "PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE."
Of course they take the card out which just freezes the register and well we could be here all day.
Most of the time I have to push the card in all the way because this new monetary system is designed by dumbasses.
Oh my God don't even get me started on how awkward it is to tell people to "put it in down there, stick it in, push it in a little further."
I feel like a porn star at work. I have my regulars and I know who I can joke around with, especially my male patients, so on more than one occasion when the card reader isn't registering I say "Here let me just put that in there, or honey it's not the first time I have to show a man where it goes."
My patients love me.
I'm not everyone's cup of tea and if not fuck you, I taste great!
Anyways, back to whatever the heck I was trying to say here, oh yea, the registers keep breaking down.
One of the highlights of my day today was (and this is sad) when the repair Men came by and actually fixed one of the ancient registers. The other one is hopeless for now, they will try again tomorrow with that hunk of junk.
To have other people to converse with that's not Dragon is divine, that's probably why I give such excellent customer service, chatting with my patients is the norm. Majority of the time I converse with them so much and already know most of them by name and even their birthdays.
You have no idea how efficient she and I are working together, she is my work husband.
We don't even have to talk, we can say so much with eye rolling at idiotic patients, sighing heavily and my favorite getting everything done in such a quick fashion there is not one person who doesn't say "Wow you girls are fast."
If you're going to wait for your prescription to be ready after you've dropped it off the supposed wait time is 10 minutes, we do it in five.
We're just that good.
So today there is no escape which is the worst part. I can't go home until it's 9pm.
You have no idea how aware of time I am.
There are rushes at work, it feels like hours have gone by and so much is done, then I'll check the clock and only ten minutes have elapsed.
Dragon is very sick. I should actually start calling her something else because she's not such a bitch anymore, she's actually a very decent person.
I think I'll just call her my boss.
She does accommodate whatever schedule I need, she doesn't give me orders or rides my ass anymore like before, I think time has changed us both, seeing as we met each other in our very first year at the Pharmacy.
Well it's her turn to be sick, everyone at my workplace is sick, we all have the same symptoms.
I had three customers tell me today that our store smells damp and moldy even.
Are we all just sick from this neglected work environment?
Everything is old and broken down at our store. The employee bathroom is broken, there is no top on the toilet so in order to flush it you have to stick your hands in the back of the toilet and lift whatever mechanisms make it flush, this is month three of the broken toilet. They do not fix things at work.
The other bathroom Is the "Customer" bathroom although we spend the majority of time telling people it's broken or that we have none, is gross.
Today I totally forgot to pee, at some point on hour eight of my shift I decided to take my lab coat off and make myself pee, or at least sit down. I stand for 13hrs straight on Wednesdays.
When I went to the bathroom the seat was full of piss and pubes, of course.
Our store is gross and maybe we're sick from Mold or asbestos even?
I put the humidifier we store used for boss lady so she could breathe better, she is always sneezing, like every 10 minutes. Even before this cold she's always sneezing.
I say bless you after every sneeze, matter of fact I've said bless you so much I'm practically an ordained priest.
Between her sneezing and the constant frenzy of the day we finally hit the less that five hour mark (my favorite) before we close. This is such a relief because soon I get to go home.
Around this time of day also my chest started aching real bad, I was so scared I almost mentioned it to her, almost. I just don't know how to confide in anyone else, especially about my ED. I don't want anyone to look at me the way I do. The way I feel deep down inside. Like the trash I am. I am trash folks, if I had any courage at all I would finally just slit my throat once and for all.
I respect her too much to even burden her with my problems.
I want her to still smile at me and consider me responsible, but sometimes I'm scared and I panic and I have no one at work to talk me down from the ledge, so I keep the freak out inside and tell myself well if anything happens, at least someone will call the Rescue quick enough.
I have had nothing to eat today. There was just no time.
Well just wanted to write for writings sake. I know I've lost a lot of followers and probably no one even reads this blog anymore, so instead I write this for me, my own diary, my personal feelings at the time.
I'm talking into a void but many of us are.
Goodnight and Goodbye.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Do you ever like to be alone?
I do and I don't.
I don't because there are certain people I love to be around like my daughter and boyfriend for instance, oh and kitties!
I also do.
I like and feel strongest alone at times especially when I've fought with someone or have had an awful day.
The anger drives me and pushes me in new directions where I'm so consumed and preoccupied I have no time or put much thought into anything else like eating.
I'm starting to get a lot of positive feedback on my weight loss, once upon a time I would secretly smile and gush inward about how great I'm doing and how much closer I'm getting to that absurd desired weight I want to achieve.
This time around I don't know, something is different.
A patient of mines said to me today "Wow you've lost a lot of weight haven't you?" as they took a double look at me.
I nod my head and change the subject quickly.
I don't care about the compliments, I don't care at all. I hate when people ask me "How did you do it?"
There is no desired weight this time, I'm not trying to hit 90lbs again or less, right now I'm just so stressed and so, so sad and lonely I just don't care about myself anymore.
There are so many more important things to worry about than a meal right now.
My car's little leak is fixed so that's one less thing.
My sister is coming down next week and we're going to see Rihanna in Concert, I like some of her songs but my sister is obsessed, I'll tag along to spend time with her, she's the only family I have.
Work is stressful as ever, I had someone call me stupid because I told them are bathroom wasn't public and they had to ask the manager up front.
I had someone cuss me out on the phone yesterday over someone else's mistake?
You have no idea how much I hate my job.
My boyfriend and I are the same, next month (if we even see that date) we'll be four years together.
His ex is in his life more and that bothers me. Sometimes I feel like, no, I know he's lied to me about seeing her sometimes when they have to get the kid's from school and instances like that. I hate that he's a liar and today well I just about had enough. I told him I wanted some space and time for myself.
When things like this happen, it just makes me so determined to not eat.
I actually was thinking of going to this bakery near work and grabbing something to eat later since I got off at 5pm but once our little exchange happened through text, I just drove straight home and skipped eating today altogether.
The funny thing is I almost feel stronger not having to answer to him. Not strong in the "woman" sense like "Oh he's no good girl.." more like deep down inside I can focus on me. I can be alone with my thoughts and my disorder.
It's more gasoline for the fire.
Is it wrong to say that this feeling is refreshing?
That I am excited at the opportunity of doing my own thing because I have no one to check in with daily.
Is this a reflection on our relationship or is this just my disorder secretly taking the reins?
I can't tell anymore.
My birthday was last Friday, I am officially old.
I feel as though I've accomplished nothing, I'm just another Cog in the machine.
None of my brothers remembered my birthday, my sister didn't seem as enthusiastic as last year.
The only person who made a fuss was my boyfriend who told me to please pick him up at his home.
He then proceeded to give me a bouquet of flowers and a cheesecake he decorated. His whole family sang me Happy Birthday which just about broke my heart inside because I can't even remember when was the last time anyone gave a fuck about me enough to do that.
The rest of the weekend was spent eating and me secretly throwing up. Purging this time around wipes me out so much.
I bought a pizza yesterday and ate almost all of it while I watched the 1st season of Once Upon a Time on Netflix, I then went to the bathroom and threw it all up. Minutes later as I'm on the couch drained of everything, I turned off the T.V and went to bed at 8pm up until 6:30 am when my alarm went off for work today. Binging and purging are not something I look forward to doing.
I feel like I'm having a heat attack afterwards.
I hate my job but look secretly look forward to it because I don't want to be alone in my apartment all week.
My daughter is with her Dad from Sunday night up until Wednesday at 10pm.
Work is distracting, it's something to do. It's somewhere to be.
The weekends are my favorite because I'm off and my boyfriend and his stepson are here so the house is full of noise and laughter.
Sundays are my least favorite day because everyone leaves me.
My tax return came in and it's a good amount. I put 4,000 in my savings and have spent a few hundred on my daughter's room. I've painted it red (she wanted black) bought her a new TV and got a new bunked/futon.
I'm taking her next week top get her very long hair cut and straightened. She doesn't want this but the truth of the matter is I get tired of combing it and when she's with her dad she looks a mess.
Maybe this way it's more manageable. My daughter is 11 now,
She has breast, a Kardashian butt and hair everywhere.
I fix her very thick eyebrows (which were just like mines at that age) and remind her to take pride in her appearance.
She is a tomboy.
I can't stop this. How am I supposed to tell her to shave her legs and armpits?
She just wants to wear shirts and shorts all day.
I can't get on her ass too much about that, when I was five I wanted desperately to be a boy, I even told some kids I was.
Hello Kettle, my name is Pot.
Her Dad has the nerve to ask me to loan him 500$
Can you believe that shit!?
He texted me today again for the money and I told him No, to look elsewhere, I have bills and problems of my own.
He didn't too much care for my response.
I found out at work I have 2 weeks Vacation I can take whenever.
If I had more friends that stayed somewhere worth visiting I would love to get out of Florida altogether.
Somewhere worth visiting also means anywhere and anyone that would have me.
I want to see something else other than my four Walls or stupid State.
I want to have hope that out there is a great big world and I'm just so insignificant it doesn't matter what ridiculous problem ails me, there's more out there than just Lu and her shit.
So today I ate nothing but some Vodka and half a Xanax.
I am not talking to my boyfriend because I think he's a liar.
I work a 13hr shift at the Pharmacy tomorrow which will drive me crazy.
I've taken laxatives all week.
I have been having suicidal thoughts.
I want to cut all my hair off and cover my body with large tattoos.
I want someone to be my friend and come over and hang out with me.
I want someone to come along and say "I'm just as fucked up as you, want to have a cup of coffee, black no sugar."
I want someone to just be loyal to me.
I want to not want so many things because I don't deserve them