I can't see my collarbones, my ribs and hipbones are non existent.
My hips stick out and my butt feels bigger.
Today my car got fixed.
My window can now go down, the blown motor was changed.
My mechanic found me four rims for my car but I can't afford them. They are $350.00
He also said my front speaker was done, he has two new speakers he'll give me tomorrow, maybe he can install it this weekend.
Today has been okay with my husband, he's been in a great mood.
We're actually talking more and more about the future.
I think us not living together is the best decision I've ever made. I will be able to finally forgive him for everything and find closure within myself this way.
He and I share a child together and that means we have to deal with each other for the rest of her life. We have to get along for her sake. We have no real reason to hate one another at all.
I wish him all the best in his new life, and I know he wishes me the same.
After the car repair we headed to the video store.
We were at my sister in law's video store when all of a sudden who should walk in but none other than Udonis Haslem a Miami Heat basketball player. He was very stuck up and didn't want autographs or pictures. My husband was very star struck and it actually broke his heart that one of his favorite players was acting this way. I wasn't surprised at all.
Sometimes these people just don't want to be bothered.
The video store trip was fun despite this.
My sister in law who's also a stoner and Bulimic was very friendly as usual.
We spend twenty dollars which buys you four DVDs but she always sends us out with 15 movies..
For Christmas we gave her a gift card from the Olive Garden, she was happy.
I think I'm gonna give her a nickel bag soon, I'm sure she would love that.
She's very sweet.
So the rest of the day I've been cooking and watching movies galore.
I made a chicken pot pie. I actually ate some of this in a very small bowl. Yes I felt guilty afterwards and had a meltdown. I can't enjoy anything without being riddled with guilt..
I worked out today, my knee didn't give me any hassles. No kidney pains today.
I didn't get my appointment letter in the mail today, I'm still waiting. Please God let it come already.
Everything else in my life is getting better but not my ED.
My ED is driving me nuts.
I tried to be social but I just can't yet.
Too many triggering people today.
So day 29 and I'm still okay.
My ED wants me to go ape shit and do all these behaviors to lose all the weight I've gained.
I don't know how much longer I can go on.
I'll say this now that I'm in that point in my life where I kinda see things clearer.
Do I want to look like this?
You can't possibly be happy with yourself at this weight, I don't care how confident you are. This is becoming the norm here in the states and I absolutely hate it. No wonder anyone who doesn't look like this is dubbed Anorexic.
When I was that low in my weight, I had people telling me to eat and asking me if I was on Meth or crack, did I have Aids?
I had my husband shaking me awake every night just to make sure I was still alive. I felt like shit all the time. I liked the way I looked but no one else did.
I was the definition of selfish.
I'm tired of my hair falling out, of being cold all the time. I'm tired of not being able to be really close to anyone because I'm so scared of letting anyone see my body. I'm tired of letting this dictate how my day will go or how I feel.
I'm so miserable.
I don't want anyone to be affected by my illness. I still have a choice to not alllow myself to get worse.
I don't want anyone to see me get worse.