Tuesday, June 28, 2016

bad day

So it begins, the sadness.

I'm not feeling too hot lately, things are escalating all around me and I'm just not ready for it all.
I get to work this morning and Dragon only glances at me and turns her head back to the computer screen.

This morning I thought the day would be better, I actually was up before the alarm, well actually I've been up since 4am but that's besides the point.
Insomnia has been making an appearance this week thus far.
I tried to go back to bed and finally nod off at 5:30 when in a fit of sheer desperation, I threw all the pillows spectacularly off the bed.
The pillows landed this way and that, waking both cats who sleep till about 6am themselves. The smaller grey cat squints her eyes back shut. The larger black one usually wakes me up early by jumping over or on me or even laying down on my hair pulling it back under her weight.
It's usually food that they want.
Food bowls are put away after a certain time each night due to a huge roach infestation in my apartment. How huge a roach infestation you ask?
I can distinguish the different species! I got some Germans, Americans, Albino, hell I thought I found some Asians one the other day too.
They are everywhere it's so disgusting.

My apartment building is nothing more than a Roach Motel.

I'm up and head to the shower, I think long and hard as I lather, "What will life be like being unemployed again?"
I let the water cascade down my body and wash away the thoughts of calling out of work.
I wipe away at the foggy mirror and stare at the person on the other side.
I hate the person who looks back at me, sometimes I wish she would just do us all a favor and die already.
I weigh myself. Weighing oneself will determine if I'm allowed some kind of substance at all today, as it turns out I'm down two of the supposed six I've gain since my vacation binge eating.
I decide to only have one meal and only in the morning.
I get dressed and head out the door. The first thing I do is set food out for my stray cats and duck.
Next up is the embarrassing display of having to keep adding water to my car's reservoir because I have a leak and the coolant levels are always low or nonexistent.
The morning isn't so bright today, there's a small overcast which gives me relief as I have to drive about an hour in traffic with no air conditioning.
I'm not running too behind so that means I can have breakfast.
I found a new Smoothie king location that I want to try out, also a new route to work.
Both work out and my timing is still good.
I don't sip the Vanilla Shredder just yet as it's too thick. I plan to sip on this thing for most of the day to counteract any meals I'm supposed to be having.
The drive to work is longer today because I'm trying not to speed, I have about 300 dollars worth of tickets and pray I don't get anymore.
When I finally arrive at work I head inside and chat with my fellow Big Brother fanatic. The show has just started up again this year for the summer.
She and I talk game for a bit, she continues to joke about us applying for the show next year together.
Part of me would love to just do this even though I know we stand no chance. Lately the people they select on this show look like they live in the Gym. Part of the show's mandate is a lot of physical comps and well my out of shape behind will almost be guaranteed to fail. I'm not fit or fine so keep dreaming bub.
It's almost 8 and I have to punch in at the pharmacy. I feel the dread cover me like some sort of depression Snuggie.
Image result for depression snuggie

Dragon's greeting assures me that all is fucked.
Today she's wearing the other pants, black slacks as opposed to the pinstripe ones. These are her "I'm serious" pants.
Mondays are the day we do our truck order. I've always been curious as to how that works, I don't actually know.
See being the "Inventory Specialist" means part of more bullshit to do including this very thing.
Now last week the Russian pharmacist did the order and seeing as how Dragon missed work yesterday to go to a meeting, I figured the other pharmacist would be the one to do it.
She didn't and neither did I.
Dragon waits till I clock in and set my smoothie down to scold me for not having done the order.
"But I was never taught."
Her response? "You're the inventory specialist, I'm counting on you to do this, now what will happen Friday when we get the truck? If you don't know something you need to call the next store up so they can tell you how it's done."
All I can do my friends is just nod my head in agreement as if this insensitive cunt has a point.
She sucks her teeth and turns around to go sit on her stool and type.
I turn around myself and start slowly counting pills.
My eyes well up and I bite down on my lip as hard as I can to keep from crying.
How can I be at fault for something I was never taught? The hypocrisy. We are a training store for fucks sake1
 This idiot will make that annoying baby Betty Boop voice teaching total strangers but expects me to accept a new position and automatically assume I know it all? How can you not teach me who works with you and then tell me to have random techs I've never met from other busy stores take time to show me how to do my new job?

I'm not crying because she scolded me, I want to cry because I can't speak up.
I can't yell "Hey you scaly asshole it's not my fault, I haven't even had the pay grade or my job title officially change! You want me to work for free?"
Instead I just stay quiet and feel bad about myself. I find myself fighting the tears as I tear myself down. I deserve every single miserable thing that touches my life.
Who do you think you are?
You think you're going to just have normal life or that people won't somehow take a good look at you and not know by your ratty clothing that you are a lesser person?
I feel today like all the roaches, the ratty holey clothes I wear, the used dented leaking car, the mounting debts, the struggle with eating, the loneliness, I deserve it all. I deserve nothing and anytime I think something good finally touches me, it doesn't.
God doesn't give me better because I'm unworthy.
I'm garbage.
I know this to be true because people like Dragon who make a lot of money and went to college can tell.
They know I'm just pretending. She knows I won't talk back or make waves, she knows I'm meek.

The rest of my shift I was quiet. The minute she was done "expressing" herself I didn't even want the shake anymore. I threw it away. Food? You deserve nothing, you can't do anything right.

I would hand Dragon a basket with a prescription for a patient that was waiting and instead of handing it to me, she'd toss it aside and not let me know anything.

I feel like her dog.
I feel inadequate.
I feel just like I used to when I first started working with her.

The prospect of her leaving is dwindling before my very eyes.
She's challenging the move, she doesn't approve of the schedule in her new would be pharmacy.
The person who would be her new partner there has 4 kids and if you are a working mom then you would know just how firm a schedule is.
Dragon has zero children, I still don't know how she has the same boyfriend? I can only guess he makes less money than her and is in it for the free ride (I'm being cynical now of course)
She should be very flexible on that schedule.
I'm unsure now if she's leaving.
I can't possibly keep going on working like this with her and her moods.
I'm seriously starting to contemplate asking for a transfer myself.
I hate that I would be the one to leave seeing as how I was there first.
I'm just so depressed.
I feel defeated, I feel like just surrendering the pharmacy and all the hard work I put into it to make it the store it is today all to her.
Image result for wolf cowering in a fight
Why fight the inevitable.
I can't just coexist with her, it's like having a huge fight with your significant other and no one wants to talk first because that means they win, instead you two ignore each other. I'll end up sleeping on the floor or on the couch trying to avoid contact.
Tomorrow I work all day with her. I'm not sure what to do.
I don't remember what it's like to have a backbone anymore.
I feel like people look at me and just know I'm weak. They can step all over me.
One day all of you who think you're so much better than me, those of you who think I'm so stupid, those who think they are getting away with humiliating me will get to step all over me, yes, I'll be dead in the ground and you can happily dance on my fucking grave.
I happily say FUCK YOU all, I will be at peace finally never seeing any of you again.
Congratulations, enjoy your lives.
Sorry for not being cheery but right now I don't care.
I'm depressed, I'm ready to throw in the towel.


Vacation Mode OFF

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Phone Vlog!


I was able to make a video from my phone, if it's not too bad and you all don't hate it then I'll try to make more from here until I'm able to save and get this very lovely camera the HTC RE

Friday, June 3, 2016

The day after tommorow

Tuesday was another day of being late, I'm starting to suspect they're onto me.
I punched in at the register and looked over at Dragon who was quiet and typing away, she was standing rocking herself back and forth. She was wearing those pants again. She always wears the same pair of pants, she has two she alternates by, but this one by far has stuck around the longest, it's grey and pinstripe, the seat of those pants are ripping slightly, I can't say I'm not surprised, if you could only see Dragon's derriere then you'd know what I'm talking about. That Dragon's got medieval junk in ye old trunk.
Her scale enlaced stomach protrudes today, I can tell when she's been gorging herself all weekend. I'm sure there's a town somewhere with a lower population after her visit. Then there are those annoying days when she decides she wants to be healthy and will eat yogurt all day, on those days she's especially miserable. She finally glances my way and says nothing, no good morning, hello, sup?
I gave her a nod.
Aaaaaaand she's in a bad mood.
Her lack of social etiquette this morning is a clear indication all is not well in  The island of Berk.
It's going to be a long day.
Yesterday was Memorial Day, most doctor's offices were closed and the pharmacy was only open for a few hours, usually when this happens the following day is busy and that's what awaited me as I checked the queue, 5 pages of Production. Five pages of medications to fill hasn't happened in a few months, when it does happen though it is apparent.
I print my credentials and begin my shift.
Being as it so busy I hardly have time to do much in Production. It's only just turned 8:30, the next person to come in is Mini and that's not happening until noon. Normally I can knock out 3 pages worth in an hour tops but today with the phones, and customers at the register I can't seem to make any leeway.
I'm in the middle of counting 180 Metformin tablets then there's a woman at pickup. I grab a piece of paper and write down the last number I left off at, no way I'm starting over, I'm up to 96 tablets so far.
"Hi, are you picking up?" the phone rings loudly as she gives her response. I put the caller on hold and the woman at the register has walked over to Drop Off with Dragon.
I figure Dragon would answer her question or whatever she was here for, I continue counting the rest of the medication.
I hear Dragon's nasally voice and I look to see who she's pretending for, she walks over to the door and opens it letting the woman who was at the register inside.
The woman is a trainee from a newly acquired pharmacy, she'll be here till about 5pm. Oh joy a buffer!
My stomach is in knots, I didn't have anything to eat today. Haven't had much food lately, been living off of meal replacement shakes and coffee. I'm too depressed to eat. I don't deserve food. I don't deserve much as it happens.
Dragon asks the trainee what exactly is she here to learn, to which the trainee responds "Everything."
No bueno.
It's a very busy day and having someone with no experience here means that things will get twice as busy. Trainee's are eager to learn but incredibly slow.
I'm sure one day they will have mastered this meaningless job, but until then you're in my way.
Dragon suggests the trainee spend half her shift with me and then other with her.
Dragon's voice is extra annoying today, she sounds like a baby cheerleader whose horribly congested. Sometimes she enunciates words through her nasal passages and I just want to roll my eyes and scream "That's not how you pronounce that word!"

I introduce myself to the trainee who looks like the hysterical actress Octavia Spencer, complete with a gap of her own...
I'm always fascinated by people with Diastema, in my childhood I often got picked on because of my gap teeth, finding others like me and knowing that they have accepted their fate is comforting. I'm not the last unicorn.

My trainee Octavia is a very bright young woman, she definitely has the chops to make it in this field. She catches on quickly as I explain the tedious tasks set before us. There's not much conversation out of her unless it's an explanation of the reason behind some of the ridiculous things that are asked of us, there's no logical, intelligent answer I can give her sadly, just the same sorry doctrine that was passed down to me.
As the day progresses things get busier, Mini finally shows up for her shift. She's all smiles and introductions right up until the master bellows "Get to work there's a lot to do today, we have 5 pages of production!"
Mini's smiles come to a halt.
The Pharmacy is getting crowded. My pharmacy is small,  having more than three people is too much, I think we even have a maximum capacity sign posted somewhere that's says just that.
Dragon has no room to verify the many stacked baskets of medication, she is getting irritated and moves to the very back of the pharmacy where an impromptu workstation awaited her.
Mini is scrambling around trying to solve everything. I'm at the register while Octavia counts pills and makes a few fumbles.
After about an hour into this Shorty strolls through the door. It's a packed house.
He says hello to me first, patting my back softly and continues down the line with greetings. He sees Octavia and looks confused, he looks to me for answers "A trainee" I tell him, he nods his pretty head and one less mystery solved. The Pharmacy looks a mess, clearly this is not your mama's Tuesdays.
Mini looks over at shorty "Omg get to work like right now" her neat hair filled with flyways now.
Shorty complies.
Dragon tells mini to get drop off and she scratches the top of her head. Drop off can be both a good  and bad thing, when it's good you've done your job well, when it's bad you will ponder storming out and being unemployed. I have a few regulars of mine show up today, one in particular wants me to please refill all her mother's medications, I print screen her mother's profile and make a note in my downtime to do this.
My downtime came sooner then later and I finally managed to sit down on a stool to get started. Sitting down for me is a novelty. I never get a chance to sit down. You ever stand in one place for 8 to 13 hours straight sometimes with no bathroom break? Welcome to Saw pharmacy edition.
Out of nowhere Dragon appears next to me "Here why don't I fill her stuff while you go help them in production, it's still like 5 pages and we can't have that all day long" she snatches the sheet of paper out of my hands and heads back to her cave.
I want to murder her, she has a horrible lack of common sense when speaking to others.
In production now and things are finally moving along quickly, Mini in drop off and Shorty at the register.
When the pharmacy finally settles down and we're all caught up, Dragon is hungry. I hear her ordering the usual at a restaurant nearby. Most of the time she'll give me her credit card and send me to fetch her food. While this task is degrading at least I get to leave the pharmacy and be outside in the sunshine for a few minutes.
Today though she asked Mini to do it. Mini was hungry too and Shorty who's always hungry I guess on account of body building or training or whatever the heck they call guys who are into their physique, mentioned wanting to eat four or so slices of pizza, Octavia said she could eat that as well, so we all pitched in and bought two pizzas for lunch.
Dragon is munching away and we all huddle near the storage closet to steal bites of pizza. We are all vigilant of any customers or phone calls. We're also talking quietly to each other, see if Dragon hears us having too good a time she will break that up until we're all in our corners.
I had a slice of greasy pizza. The minute the last piece of crust was swallowed I immediately regret it. Of all the things to want to keep down, this?
I still have a few more hours to go before my shift ends, now comes the upset stomach, that full feeling like my stomach suddenly expanded three times it's size. My mood falters and now my day gets worse.
Dragon sends me to drop off while she's on the phone trying to get a repairman to come out and fix our printer.
The first couple of patients were okay, I had Octavia with me, Dragon never trained her at all. I'm teaching her what I could because drop off involves a lot of insurance problems. There's just so many things I can explain in a short amount of time too, I can't teach it all but I cover a lot of ground anyway.
Octavia is slow and line starts to form. I get the people behind her. The man wears shades indoors and the woman he is with looks horribly haggard and her dirty blond hair limp.
He starts by telling me this his third time at this place and he can't understand how no one can figure out the problem with his insurance.
I can tell he's going to be a problem. The woman he is with tells me to hurry up because she is tired of standing and she doesn't understand what I'm playing at with Octavia.
Octavia looks appalled, this is her first encounter with patient Sick Prick.
Sick Prick has HIV, we get a lot of gay men with HIV on the beach. They have a complicated insurance. They have a regular insurance like you or me but they also have a pro bono clinic picking up the tab on their viral meds.
Sick Pricks fag hag is pissing me off, she is super rude and keeps talking to me like I'm a moron.
One thing you must always learn folks, don't piss off the help, they're the legs you stand on and we can buckle bitch.
I take twice as long and allow Octavia to do all the slow typing and processing. Sick Prick keeps asking me "How long is this going to take?" to which I respond "As long as it takes. If you're in a hurry come back later, if your legs hurt from standing go sit down."
Sick Prick crosses his arms.

That's right twinkles I can catch an attitude right back, don't think I'll be a professional here for one minute.
His insurance keeps rejecting, for the most part everything seems to be entered correctly in the system. Sick Prick loves to keep his mouth open apparently, (I'm sure that's how he got into this mess to begin with) "What's the problem, my insurance is valid, I need my meds, I keep coming here and no one knows what they are doing."
I'm tired of his voice and his fag hag giving me looks of intimidation. Oh please lady, don't let my short stature fool you, remember Wolverines are small too.
I look over at Dragon who poked her head to see who keeps talking rudely. She says nothing though and continues her phone call.
I have no choice but to call the Insurance company.
The Russian walks in, her shifts starts at 3 and Dragon is relived of duty.
There's a line behind prickhead and I head over to the Russian who's setting up shop for the day. Everyone looks relived to see the Dragon go.

I ask the Russian if she was familiar with his issue since most likely this happened on her shift. She knew him immediately.
"Oh yea I remember him, I guess I'll call the Insurance and see what the problem is."
I head back over to Octavia whilst the Russian tries to figure out what's going on.
Sick Prick is just being rude now, he keeps aggravating me and his little dog keeps barking that she wants to go.
I tell him we're calling to see what the problem is. "The problem is that you're very rude and could use a class or two on customer service. I haven't had my meds in almost a week. This isn't a game sweetheart."

 He starts to walk off saying something about me needing patience to which I respond "No you need patience, rushing me won't help, that's how mistakes are made. This is medicine we're dealing with here, this is not a drive thru at McDonalds."
 He's livid now.
Finally his insurance has gone thru, looks like he had an old card and all the new information was different. So to sum it all up, this is his mistake not ours.
Once he gets his virals, he comes back over to drop off as I'm explaining calculating the days supply on a prescription to Octavia.
"I want to speak to your manager." The Russian is on the phone. It's started to get busy again. The queue gets full with thirty prescriptions to type.
I tell him she's on the phone. He then comes back and knocks loudly on the counter in front of me. "You need to look at people in the eyes when they talk to you, you are very rude."
I need to look you in the eye? Maybe if you would take those stupid shiny shades off, who wears sunglasses indoors other than battered women and men in porno shops?
He hasn't seen rude from me, I hold back so much. I want to say mean things, I want to hurt his feelings. I don't of course, I have my kid to think about. Losing my job right now wouldn't be ideal. I guess I'm just a doorstop after all, please by all means everyone walk all over me, don't forget to wipe your feet!
The Russian is still on the phone when he comes back again. "Is she done?"
I simply say no.
I don't want to look at him, I want to cry because I can't go off on him and that only makes him and others like him think they are winning, that somehow they are clearly right because I never say anything as disgusting as they do back.
There's chaos at the register and Shorty almost falls backwards off his bench at the mere sight of our queue and everything that has to be both typed and filled in the next thirty minutes.
The Russian is off of the phone and speaking to the Prick.
He starts off by repeating all that jazz about 3rd time coming here blah, blah. His last complaint was that I didn't look at him when he spoke.
The Russian apologizes and the Sick Prick leaves and takes his pet with him.
The Russian rubs my back as she walks by. It makes me sad that it' so obvious how bothered I was.
The truth is no matter how many times boss and coworkers tell me not to take anything personal, well I do. How could you not take offense when someone is going out of their way to make you look and feel stupid?
I let people get to me.
The rest of my shift flew by fast and I couldn't be happier.
I get to drive off in my tin can at peak traffic hours and sit in a car with no ac, I can go back to my roach motel apt where the only ones who greet me are animals and that's cos they are hungry.
I get to get a few sporadic texts from my boyfriend before he goes to bed, maybe even a one sided phone call with my sister into which an hour goes by and I now hate her coworkers as much as she does. I get to drink until I pass out, sleep it off and wake up at four am only to never fall back asleep. Finally I wake up at 6am and get to do it all over again.



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