Friday, June 29, 2012
Something is happening to me.
Not only is my Depression not going away it seems to worsen everyday.
Everything is getting to me.
I haven't left the bed all day nor do I want to.
Going anywhere scares me now. I get incredibly anxious and if I do manage to leave the house, I panic.
I keep thinking something is going to happen to me as I'm out, maybe I'll die. It's not true of course but the thoughts are there choking me.
The Anxiety medications aren't doing anything for me, neither are the pills for Depression.
I'm stuck and have no tools by which I can cope.
The highs and lows are now constant, I start to cry for no reason and feel utterly helpless and hopeless.
Dishes are piled in the sink, my house a littered mess, cat litter overflowing, everywhere I look is something I have to do.
I feel weak and sad, I don't want to do anything but go to sleep.
I made a soup this morning, didn't eat it.
Instead had half a shake and a banana. The guilt set in immediately.
I lie in bed and cry, try to talk myself into keeping it down, I do finally but it took so much I'm exhausted.
My Eating Disorder makes me feel like less than a person sometimes, I feel foolish for my daily struggles. I feel like the butt of some jokes at times.
The simplest of normal tasks are like Mountains to me.
Most days I can't imagine a version of myself without this illness.
I don't remember when or why my life took this turn, but here it is, Food and Numbers dictate who I am.
If I eat I feel like a failure, if I don't b/p that's a triumph. If I don't lose weight then I'm misreable, if I gain life stinks. I rather starve most days, the feeling of emptiness brings me joy.
I tend to lose interest in things quicker now, so little things bring me joy.
I'm finding it harder to stay positive or forget why I'm suppose to.
I wish I knew how to just turn all of these feelings off.
How to not feel everything at once.
I look at other people and I think, “He lives without meds. She does. What is wrong with me? Am I so biochemically screwed up, so neurotic, so narcissistically self-absorbed that every hour is an obstacle course for me?” I don’t know, but this can’t continue. I feel like I am dying. A slow torturous death. And the worst thing is that I’m taking other people along for the ride. But I swear, I don’t know how to do it differently.
Psychiatrists say that telling someone with depression to "just snap out of it" is like telling a blind person to "just look harder."
I don't know how to cheer up or feel better, I'm not Blue, I'm a Manic Depressive.
There's a difference from someone who's depressed cus they lost their puppy or their boyfriend dumped them, those are things you can get over, real Depression is not.
I don't want to be this way, but I am.
I can't understand why my brain decides it's time to take a Holiday from reality and retreat into a downward spiral, why those awful thoughts of ending it all creep in instead of sound logic?
I'm aware of how awful I sound and even look when I'm in this state, I prefer to cut off communication with the outside world till I'm better.
I don't want to bother or burden anyone with this. No one knows what to say to me anyways and that's fine, because there are no magic right words.
I appreciate concern and I love those that show it for me of all people.
Your words and actions don't go unnoticed.
I get like this sometimes, I let it all get to me and I just shut down. I get stuck and don't know what problem to tackle first because everything seems like it's coming head on.
I promise I will feel better, but I have to find my own way to.
I've been sleeping all day.
I managed to wake up around noon, then 6pm, these are times when I have to feed my kid.
My baby has been learning to cook her meals via Microwave.
She could even make her own breakfast if I had a toaster. She loves toasted Bagels in the morning with Orange juice.
I have no Toaster so she needs me to toast them in another way, but if that wasn't the case she'd be completely self sufficient feeding herself.
At lunch time I managed to eat the soup I made earlier.
I felt full and triggered immediately afterwards. My stomach swells three times it size all day long.
I took laxatives yesterday night, I haven't had a bowel movement since last Thursday, it was high time.
My lax now kick in, the headache comes and so does the awful stomach gurggles.
The good thing is I've taken considerably less then what I normally do.
I even conteplated going to the store and buying more laxatives, but the sheer panic of heading outside made me change my mind.
In other news, my daughter got dropped off Wednesday and I noticed she was a bit too serious. After my boyfriend, then her little playmate from upstairs goes home and we're all alone, I question my kid about what's going on.
Apparently my ex has told her to be difficult with me and my boyfriend even.
My daughter even confesses to me that my ex hit her after she broke a cup.
Things are not going well here in Breakup land.
My ex hates my guts still, we're not on speaking terms.
The namesake is all read and I've been watching Celebrity Rehab w/Dr. Drew.
Those things are finito!
So what's next, The X-Files of course!
Who wouldn't love endless repetitive hours of Fox Mulder and Dana Sculley.
As for book wise, I'll get back to you on that, have two I'm considering, we'll see which one wins.
Anyways I'm going to have a drink and figure out why my Ipod Touch isn't syncing to my Itunes or even charging anymore?
I've discovered something called SharePod, it transfers your Ipod library to another Computer, here's hoping it works.
Nite all or Good Morning, I'm still up at 5am.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Hear ye hear ye! Lou eats and no b/p!
I've had about 600 calories today, that's ALOT compared to most days where I exist off 100-200 maximum..
My weight is good, no gain, no loss either but what can you do.
I've been battling depression, I don't know why it's taking longer to shake off than usual.
My guess is the meds are no longer working, maybe it's time to up the dose. I think my next Dr.'s visit is in August maybe September.
That's a long ways away and in the meantime I have to try to fight this, or at least not get Bad, bad is never a good thing with me.
Severe Manic Depression and an Eating Disorder will be quite the hurdle. I don't know if I can fight off both at the same time. It's usually either or these days.
I'm trying, I'll try; always try.
I want laxatives really bad, I haven't had a decent bowel movement in some days. I'm bloated and with child er..poo baby that is.
I've been fighting this urge but you know how it goes.
My boyfriend has been here since Monday, my Depression was really bad yesterday.
Being in a relationship is still relatively new to me still, I don't want to scare him with my ongoing saga but it's not something I can bottle away when the moment presents itself.
I'm still adjusting to having someone around, but baby steps are all I can take I suppose.
Eating random nonsense in front of him seems to be a milestone I guess.
I'm also trying to curb behaviors when he's around and be honest when I can't.
I'm grateful and glad I have someone who loves me, and not just loves me but cares for my well being.
He brings me shakes and supplements, googles support groups and makes me feel like maybe I can overcome this illness. He makes me happier than I've been in a very long time and although we both have quirks and odds stacked against us, I love him dearly, he is my very bestfriend. I will hold onto this feeling, this moment for as long as I can, as long as my God blesses me.
I know one day, someday this Eating Disorder will be something I will overcome. I will look back and remember the wonderful people I've met who've both helped and encourage me through it all.
We may still be far from a day where we will be okay with our bodies and our minds, but there's hope, we are worth it, we matter.
I'm broke and car less and these things are just more weights in my heart.
I know there are other things that could be horribly wrong, I know. I just forget sometimes. I'm working on that too.
I'll figure something out, it won't always be like this, omg it can't lol.
All my windows have bars and I live on the first floor so I can't jump out of any if things get to be too much for me to bear.
Wish there was an actual Suicide booth just in case..j/k
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Last night I worried endlessly, so much so I took more anxiety meds than I was supposed to, thus leading me to get drowsy and fall asleep.
My ex hates my guts, he's not taking my calls and got drunk last night, I worried for my kid, all kinds of things popped in my head.
Today I had to wash one more load of clothes, I wasn't looking forward to the laundromat, its been so hot outside lately and I'm not functioning at 100% right now.
To my surprise and delight it's beautiful outside, gray and gloomy.
Monday, June 18, 2012
So I wake up this morning and I must do laundry. My bed sheets are soiled with crumbs and sisterly smells and all kinds of other things.
My dishes got washed late last night after my Internet went out again thanks to Comcast and didn't come back till 1am.
All I have to do now is sweep and mop and my Domestic duties should be done.
After I give my boyfriend a ring in the morning I head to the wash house. I bring my current read The Namesake along to keep me company. It's too hott out and it's only 10am.
I get calls from my ex who's currently getting insurance on his car only, mines sits broken and useless in front of my apartment building.
Insurance is no longer an option for me.
The laundromat is empty and the book is good.
Another call from my ex asking where was I exactly, so many questions this morning.
After the dryer buzzes I gather all articles of clothing and linens, I then proceed to walk back home, walking feels like a chore now and not a pastime. I should get used to it, I need to get used to losing a lot of things.
A block away from my house is a car that looks exactly like my ex's. I get nervous and wonder if that's him keeping tabs on me.
After I head inside my house and put everything away I proceed to call my ex to ask him now where he's at.
I walk to the car that's parked down the block. I survey it and it looks like his, after a closer inspection I can see that its not his.
Relief washes over me, and I feel sort of silly.
I smile on the walk back home.
My phone rings as I just lock the door behind me, its the ex again. He's telling me something about child support and a back pay. I tell him it's nothing to worry about, he's been current on his payments, there's paperwork to prove it even; relax.
Our conversation continues, this in fact is the most we've said to each other in about two weeks.
He's inviting me to go out tomorrow, he's taking my daughter to the beach.
The last time I went to the beach was when my sister came, I donned a bikini and was on a mission, I had a bad tan lines that needed correcting.
I succeeded minus the new tan lines from the bikini, my butt looks like the baby from the Coppertone sunscreen ads.
All I could say in response was "Why are you getting mad?"
The more I repeat it out loud the stupider it sounds I think, wish I could have said something more profound?
Lol maybe not.
My daughter is hauled away and my ex storms off to his car *shrugs*.
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other on days that my daughter is with my ex, we've tried to keep it low profile for now, my daughter is still too little and probably won't understand who's this new guy in mommy's apartment, why is he always around or what's going on?
So now what.
I normally would feel sorry for him, I may even cry for him in pity. I'd put myself in his shoes or call him only to get into a huge fight and make things more confusing.
That would be the old me, the me that was manipulated a lot by him.
Today though, I'm okay.
I'm glad he knows finally, I'm happy that he doesn't pay a single bill of mines, the car was our last tie and now that's officially severed.
Maybe now we can all move on with our lives.
The only person I'm worried about now is my daughter. I so desperately want to talk to her and tell her I'm not mad at her for telling. I love her no matter what. I want her to just be happy and leave all the worrying to me.
I really hope my ex didn't grill her further, making her cry and confess every single little detail that comes to mind. I hope he's the bigger person here.
When she gets back I'll tell her endlessly that everything will be okay, I'm not in the slightest bit upset over this. I'm happy.
I hate secrets and this was the final one. It wasn't fair to my ex or my current boyfriend either, being kept a secret himself, he deserves better than that.
So it happened and I'm happy for it.
When my ex calms down in a few days maybe we can talk, although I have no idea what to say other than he doesn't have to worry about anything.
My boyfriend is a great guy, he makes me incredibly happy and I love him profusely.
He respects my daughter and is a very mature individual, maybe one day the two can meet and more proper introductions can be made, but that's a time far away.
My weight is good today, no b/p yet.
I want to eat soup later.
I was trying to explain earlier what sometimes leads me to purge all food I eat, if I eat and feel full then I purge.
The "full" feeling makes my mind think that I just ate a huge buffet of food, I feel heavy like I've just put on 10lbs, and heavy and full make me think of Fat and then all those thoughts jumble up together and I somehow get convinced that it's better and safer to just get rid of it all.
I associate "Full" with heavy and heavy means something that weighs a lot, and that makes me think of fat, and FAT is what I think I am.
Makes sense?? *crickets*
I have a horrible cramp in the middle of my stomach, I think it's probably just trapped air. Speaking of trapped, I'm very backed up.
I've decided to take some colon cleaners, two to be exact. I know it will take all day and we're looking at a poo baby maybe arriving tomorrow but at least I'm not binging on laxatives right?
My ear ache is gone also.
I'm planning on a good long workout now, followed by a shower and Heroes.
I want to write tonight, my head's pretty clear, maybe I'll make the effort and push myself for a change.
You know the only thing that I don't get is what happened from the moment we hung up the phone (the ex) and the moment he picked her up from school that made him ask my daughter or somehow get it out of her about my boyfriend??
|*sideways squinty eyed confused face*|
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
The mechanic was supposed to see my car today. He was going to try to pin point more or less what the problem could be, my ex would tag along too and hear how expensive this would all come out to.
My mechanic doesn't own a functioning watch I think, he's never on time, he'll say I'll be there in an hour and show up five hours later.
In the meantime, my ex husband decided we should kill time at a Thrift Store.
The mechanic was still far away from coming to look at the car so this seemed like a good idea instead of sitting awkwardly in my apartment for a few hours.
In the Thrift Store my daughter, ex and I scoured the place for things we didn't really need, but you know how that goes.
I was thinking about getting a dish set if I could find an affordable set, my current ones are more impractical than anything, time for an upgrade.
I found a cute set that was just the right price.
My ex found some shoes and my daughter found a Beanie baby she loved.
I'm in the aisle with the books, and I'm also babysitting the buggy with all our found spoils. Suddenly there are two men who get into a conversation about my Dish set.
The first man, is very tall, brunette, and has the brightest shade of green eyes I've ever seen. His eyes were like marbles, beautiful to look at.
The second is a shorter older man, he's dressed in clothing not appropriate any more for his age, he sports a full beard, almost white, and has a thick accent. He's a New Yorker.
The New Yorker is one of those savvy Thrift store shoppers that is always on the hunt for rare finds, my Dish Set was complimented then analyzed.
The first man was like me, suddenly enveloped in conversation he wasn't expecting. After awhile the first decides to go, he's heard enough.
The New Yorker keeps going on and on about things he's found, apparently my Dish set was made in China and he doesn't like that, says anything made there is no good. He recommended European or Japanese.
I nod my head in agreement, frankly it doesn't make a difference to me, but sometimes you just have to be polite and I almost always am.
The conversation turned from Dishes to Books.
He's a James Patterson fan. I know many of them, and they all try to convince me to cross over. I think I might, my only question is this, for any other James Patterson enthusiast, what would be a good first read since he has so many?
The New Yorker kept on and on with his suggestions. I found a book I wanted to read and suddenly was wishing he would be finished with his distracting banter.
My ex and daughter come finally and things take a turn.
My daughter runs up to hug me while my ex stays a little behind quietly taking everything in. The New Yorker says my daughter and I look alike and keeps on talking, finally the conversation starts to dissipate and I couldn't be more grateful.
The book I picked out is "The Namesake" by Jhumpa Lahiri.
I've read this book once already, it's one of my favorites, it's beautifully written and so emotional. I recommend this.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
So I should take a little break from the Heroes Marathon on Netflix.
I'm on season 2 and Mr. Bennet (badass) just died and came back to life.
This is a good show. Many many thanks to Anon. for recommending it. So far my favs are Hiro, Mr. Bennet, and the pretty Peter, mmmm Mohinder, I could listen to his accent all day if I could lol.. I could go on and on but I won't bore you with specifics. I'm on Season 2, two more seasons to go, I'll drag this out as long as I can.
So I'm not doing so hot.
I've been kinda depressed lately.
I allowed myself food yesterday and I'm paying for it today. My weight is shit.
I knew this would happen, I don't know why I bother sometimes.
After I picked up my daughter from school I headed to CVS, I have meds that I haven't been taking that need to be picked up. I think I've been dreading heading to CVS on account it's a constant reminder of the whole had a job then all of a sudden didn't have a job fiasco. It makes me sad.
I know I should be taking my meds because I'm going to start getting worse any minute now, but I can't seem to care enough. I'm not thinking clearly about anything lately.
I've been feeling like I just want to end everything and be left alone. Be sad and miserable without company.
This is all the depression talking of course, no one really could possibly want these things. I don't.
I can't stand myself, why on Earth should I want to keep myself company. I'd have to be drunk twenty fours a day just to tolerate myself if that ever happened.
Today I've b/p more than I care for. I've also started to pick at my skin again. This habit I really hate and have managed to avoid for some months. Not today, before and after purging sat on my bathroom floor for what seemed like hours picking with whatever sharp object I could find first. Hacked up whatever real or imaginary imperfection I saw till I got it all out. I felt 100x better afterwards, relief even like that made everything better for the moment.
Came out of the bathroom dizzy and disoriented to say the least.
I managed to keep my face at a minimum. I have scars that I hide from previous episodes in the past. Lately I've actually found a skin lighting cream that seems to work. I've gone through several trial and errors there. This one does the trick, been trying to get rid of those nasty teeth nicks on my hands too. Those are a lil trickier because I never let them heal and it seems like they go further and further down my hand and wrist even, yeah I said wrist. I can be a determined one when I want something.
I want laxatives, but I'm extra broke this week so I can't rack up like I'm used to.
My ex called me today, he was on his way to get my daughter, I'm desperate so I asked him to please buy me three boxes of laxatives for tonight. He agreed and remembers my brand.
He's always been an enabler.
In my apartment and he gives me grief as usual, I take my boxes and immediately start popping em.
He asks me about cuts on my person and I tell him, he already knows I do this. He can't tell me much, what can you possibly say to me that would even get through to me, I don't even listen to me.
I don't think in the moment, I just deal with whatever comes later.
My daughter has Summer tutoring, tomorrow is her last day of school. She'll have to go to class twice a week for four hours. My sister pointed out to me that her classes will actually be on days my Ex has her, I found this hilarious, I'd be sleeping in after all.
I say goodbye to my daughter and tell her I love her, my ex says goodbye and mumbles he loves me too, I ignore it. He tries to make eye contact, I couldn't close my door any quicker. God how I wish he would just move on. I wish I had a job, I'd save for a divorce immediately. It's time everyone start over with their lives, no more delusions.
You can't possibly have a future with anyone if your past (EX) is staring right at you. I don't care to be one of those complicated people, the ones that are all tangled up like a ball of yarn, their past and present so intertwined you just wanna avoid the entanglement all together because it's just too hard and time consuming.
I just want a clean break. I want simplicity if that's even possible. I'm sure it is, but like everything else only you can change your current situation.
After he takes her for the night, I'm left all alone to my devices.
I was going to workout but the Heroes marathon called to me, so there that idea went. I'll try to pull myself away and try to write. Started a new chapter and I'm three pages in.
I'm stuck now because I don't know where to take this character. I don't know if I should turn him into someone else. He was good at first, but I'm thinking there has to be a bad guy, maybe it could be him?
I don't know yet, I was thinking of going a different route but I guess this is why I haven't finished this novel in the four years since starting it, I just don't know, or rather can't make up my mind and follow through.
So now what.
Maybe just let today end and have a do over tomorrow.
I think I'll do just that.
Tomorrow will be different. I'll try harder.
On a happier note today makes day two no smoking cigarettes. I've decided to slow down and all together quit.
The smoking is triggering Anxiety and I can't have none of that. Anxiety attacks scare me, I don't want one, I don't need this.
So bye bye Nicotine, I've quit you before I can do it again.
If I get fed up or really bored with something I can get rid of it but I have to really apply myself. I've quit hard drugs, a party lifestyle, an abusive ex husband..I'm sure drinking, smoking and the eating disorder will follow someday too.
Everything in it's time. No more, no less.
Monday, June 4, 2012
I've b/p today, and took laxatives.
I started having major Anxiety an hour later, because I take so many I put my body through a lot it's quite the painful experience that I'm not looking forward too, so of course I get antsy thinking about the long night ahead.
I took a cold shower because I started to get hot flashes. The shower didn't help, the water falling on my skin felt too intense, everything felt exaggerated.
I needed to try to calm down.
I came up with this thing that has been helping me sometimes.
I applied these sticky mirrors in my shower, when I feel an attack coming on I'll hop in the tub and lather myself with some body wash that smells really nice
(scent helps my panic too) if I can look at myself in the mirror also whilst the attack is coming on, then I can talk myself down. It works sometimes..today it sorta did.