Friday, June 29, 2012

I has Depressed


Something is happening to me.
Not only is my Depression not going away it seems to worsen everyday.
Everything is getting to me.
I haven't left the bed all day nor do I want to.
Going anywhere scares me now. I get incredibly anxious and if I do manage to leave the house, I panic.
I keep thinking something is going to happen to me as I'm out, maybe I'll die. It's not true of course but the thoughts are there choking me.
The Anxiety medications aren't doing anything for me, neither are the pills for Depression.
I'm stuck and have no tools by which I can cope.
The highs and lows are now constant, I start to cry for no reason and feel utterly helpless and hopeless.
Dishes are piled in the sink, my house a littered mess, cat litter overflowing, everywhere I look is something I have to do.
I feel weak and sad, I don't want to do anything but go to sleep.
I made a soup this morning, didn't eat it.
Instead had half a shake and a banana. The guilt set in immediately.
I lie in bed and cry, try to talk myself into keeping it down, I do finally but it took so much I'm exhausted.

My Eating Disorder makes me feel like less than a person sometimes, I feel foolish for my daily struggles. I feel like the butt of some jokes at times.
The simplest of normal tasks are like Mountains to me.
Most days I can't imagine a version of myself without this illness.
I don't remember when or why my life took this turn, but here it is, Food and Numbers dictate who I am.
If I eat I feel like a failure, if I don't b/p that's a triumph. If I don't lose weight then I'm misreable, if I gain life stinks. I rather starve most days, the feeling of emptiness brings me joy.
I tend to lose interest in things quicker now, so little things bring me joy.
I'm finding it harder to stay positive or forget why I'm suppose to.

I wish I knew how to just turn all of these feelings off.
How to not feel everything at once.

I look at other people and I think, “He lives without meds. She does. What is wrong with me? Am I so biochemically screwed up, so neurotic, so narcissistically self-absorbed that every hour is an obstacle course for me?” I don’t know, but this can’t continue. I feel like I am dying. A slow torturous death. And the worst thing is that I’m taking other people along for the ride. But I swear, I don’t know how to do it differently.

Psychiatrists say that telling someone with depression to "just snap out of it" is like telling a blind person to "just look harder."
I don't know how to cheer up or feel better, I'm not Blue, I'm a Manic Depressive.
There's a difference from someone who's depressed cus they lost their puppy or their boyfriend dumped them, those are things you can get over, real Depression is not.
I don't want to be this way, but I am.
I can't understand why my brain decides it's time to take a Holiday from reality and retreat into a downward spiral, why those awful thoughts of ending it all creep in instead of sound logic?

I'm aware of how awful I sound and even look when I'm in this state, I prefer to cut off communication with the outside world till I'm better.
I don't want to bother or burden anyone with this. No one knows what to say to me anyways and that's fine, because there are no magic right words.
I appreciate concern and I love those that show it for me of all people.
Your words and actions don't go unnoticed.
I get like this sometimes, I let it all get to me and I just shut down. I get stuck and don't know what problem to tackle first because everything seems like it's coming head on.
I promise I will feel better, but I have to find my own way to.

I've been sleeping all day.
I managed to wake up around noon, then 6pm, these are times when I have to feed my kid.
My baby has been learning to cook her meals via Microwave.
She could even make her own breakfast if I had a toaster. She loves toasted Bagels in the morning with Orange juice.
I have no Toaster so she needs me to toast them in another way, but if that wasn't the case she'd be completely self sufficient feeding herself.
At lunch time I managed to eat the soup I made earlier.
I felt full and triggered immediately afterwards. My stomach swells three times it size all day long.
I took laxatives yesterday night, I haven't had a bowel movement since last Thursday, it was high time.
My lax now kick in, the headache comes and so does the awful stomach gurggles.
The good thing is I've taken considerably less then what I normally do.
I even conteplated going to the store and buying more laxatives, but the sheer panic of heading outside made me change my mind.

In other news, my daughter got dropped off Wednesday and I noticed she was a bit too serious. After my boyfriend, then her little playmate from upstairs goes home and we're all alone, I question my kid about what's going on.
Apparently my ex has told her to be difficult with me and my boyfriend even.
My daughter even confesses to me that my ex hit her after she broke a cup.
Things are not going well here in Breakup land.
My ex hates my guts still, we're not on speaking terms.

The namesake is all read and I've been watching Celebrity Rehab w/Dr. Drew.
Those things are finito!
So what's next, The X-Files of course!
Who wouldn't love endless repetitive hours of Fox Mulder and Dana Sculley.
As for book wise, I'll get back to you on that, have two I'm considering, we'll see which one wins.

Anyways I'm going to have a drink and figure out why my Ipod Touch isn't syncing to my Itunes or even charging anymore?
I've discovered something called SharePod, it transfers your Ipod library to another Computer, here's hoping it works.
Nite all or Good Morning, I'm still up at 5am.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


Hear ye hear ye! Lou eats and no b/p!

I've had about 600 calories today, that's ALOT compared to most days where I exist off 100-200 maximum..
My weight is good, no gain, no loss either but what can you do.

I've been battling depression, I don't know why it's taking longer to shake off than usual.
My guess is the meds are no longer working, maybe it's time to up the dose. I think my next Dr.'s visit is in August maybe September.
That's a long ways away and in the meantime I have to try to fight this, or at least not get Bad, bad is never a good thing with me.
Severe Manic Depression and an Eating Disorder will be quite the hurdle. I don't know if I can fight off both at the same time. It's usually either or these days.
I'm trying, I'll try; always try.

I want laxatives really bad, I haven't had a decent bowel movement in some days. I'm bloated and with child er..poo baby that is.
I've been fighting this urge but you know how it goes.

My boyfriend has been here since Monday, my Depression was really bad yesterday.
Being in a relationship is still relatively new to me still, I don't want to scare him with my ongoing saga but it's not something I can bottle away when the moment presents itself.
I'm still adjusting to having someone around, but baby steps are all I can take I suppose.
Eating random nonsense in front of him seems to be a milestone I guess.
I'm also trying to curb behaviors when he's around and be honest when I can't.
I'm grateful and glad I have someone who loves me, and not just loves me but cares for my well being.

He brings me shakes and supplements, googles support groups and makes me feel like maybe I can overcome this illness. He makes me happier than I've been in a very long time and although we both have quirks and odds stacked against us, I love him dearly, he is my very bestfriend. I will hold onto this feeling, this moment for as long as I can, as long as my God blesses me.

I know one day, someday this Eating Disorder will be something I will overcome. I will look back and remember the wonderful people I've met who've both helped and encourage me through it all.
We may still be far from a day where we will be okay with our bodies and our minds, but there's hope, we are worth it, we matter.

I'm broke and car less and these things are just more weights in my heart.
I know there are other things that could be horribly wrong, I know. I just forget sometimes. I'm working on that too.
I'll figure something out, it won't always be like this, omg it can't lol.
All my windows have bars and I live on the first floor so I can't jump out of any if things get to be too much for me to bear.

Wish there was an actual Suicide booth just in case..j/k

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Last night I worried endlessly, so much so I took more anxiety meds than I was supposed to, thus leading me to get drowsy and fall asleep.
My ex hates my guts, he's not taking my calls and got drunk last night, I worried for my kid, all kinds of things popped in my head.

Today I had to wash one more load of clothes, I wasn't looking forward to the laundromat, its been so hot outside lately and I'm not functioning at 100% right now.
To my surprise and delight it's beautiful outside, gray and gloomy.

I was feeling better already.
The laundromat is right behind my apartment, I sling my purse over my shoulders and tow a small white plastic bag with assorted dirty duds.
I'm looking forward to reading.

The laundromat is empty and that makes this all the more peaceful.
Sometimes or rather most of the time someone always talks to me, you'd think not to disturb someone sitting with their nose deep in a book, but people are bold I suppose.

I was okay, I checked the time on my phone and thought of my daughter, what is she doing now, is she okay even?
I would wait till I got home to call my ex and talk to her, hopefully he would answer the phone.
Reading the Namesake and lost in literary bliss, my vision started to blur.
I couldn't make out the letters on the page.
I got scared suddenly, took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes quickly, that helped nothing.
I stashed the book in my purse and stood up slowly only to feel immense Vertigo.
Standing was not the best option, I felt really dizzy, I held on to the folding table near by and that's when it started, the horrible trembling.
My legs buckled beneath me, my heart beat pounding in my ears. I don't know what's happening to me.
The woman next to me took notice and asked if I was okay, I didn't know what to say except I thought maybe my sugar was low?
She helped me sit back down, told me to take deep breaths and proceeded to head inside to the little cafeteria and bought me a coke.
I sipped the cold soda slowly and felt no better, I never trembled so much before, I was terrified.
What if I was on the verge of fainting or worse.
I couldn't stand being in public feeling this way, I stopped the washer and pulled my clothes out, tossed them into the bag and quickly headed back home all the while sipping my soda and wishing that I could hear my daughter's voice.

At home my air conditioner blows, the two cats my only company these days light up to see me.
I drop the heavy damp filled bag on the floor and head to my bedroom.
In my home I can breakdown, I can cry here and try to make sense of it all.
I called my ex, I needed to know if my kid was okay, no answer. I left countless voice mails.
My sister is at work, I can only text her, no reply.
I feel worse.
I'm contemplating calling the Rescue.
I know this next thing sounds stupid, but huge part of me wouldn't because I just don't know what to say?
Ah yes 911? I have an Eating Disorder, I think it's gotten the best of me, send help right away??
I lie in bed and close my eyes.
I start to get texts, it's an old friend who is having her own ED dilemma.
Talking helps some, I start to tell her what's going on.
She suggests if I insist on calling Rescue to tell them that I'm prone to passing out, that I fell like that now, maybe someone should come right away.
That sounds better than anything I could say.
My boyfriend calls too and by now I'm really feeling bad, once the chest pains start the panic sets in.
Now my mind is in overload. What don't I think of.
He talks to me and tries to reassure me this may just be a panic attack.
I decide to take Anxiety meds, walking is hard, my legs wobble, I feel like a newborn foul being pushed to walk for the first time.
My boyfriend's voice is soothing, I can barely focus on what he's saying at some point, but just knowing someone else is there with me helps. My other friend continues to text me too, two people now each helping me in their own way.
I'm grateful for the phone call but secretly I feel bad for my boyfriend, the poor guy can't do a thing to help me, and all I'm doing is worrying him.
God, he sure picked a winner.
I wish I could just be normal instead of having this Eating Disorder.
I feel like such a burden to anyone right now. I can't understand how anyone can even talk to me still?
I feel like a small snobby child who refuses to eat their vegetables, my problem seems petty compared to what other people are going through.

I don't feel any better but I feel bad talking on the phone, I decide maybe I should make soup, maybe eating something could help.
I drink Gatorade and finished the soda, nothing is helping.

I head to the kitchen, walking slowly and grabbing onto walls for support, both cats flanking me, meowing in delight at the possibility of food dropped on the kitchen floor.
I grab a pot for the soup and turn on the front burner, water is added and it's all set.
The minute I let go of the handle, I know I don't want to eat this.
I make the soup anyways and go lie back down.
I'm supposed to call my boyfriend back, but I feel bad and don't want to bother him.

I change my shirt, I'm freezing suddenly, the air is off.
The tips of my fingers are blue, my toes little ice cubes.
My sister is worried, she also wants to know how my daughter is doing, I tell her my ex won't answer my calls.
I have no idea what's going on, what if something horrible happened, what if he packed up all his clothes and takes her someplace far where I won't find them, a million things go through my head, I really just wish my chest stopped aching.
My sister says she'll call the ex and leave messages of her own.
Within five minutes she and I get nowhere.
I don't think I'll be hearing from her anytime soon today. If I felt better I would walk over there to see her, but everything happens for a reason, maybe I should just try to calm down and not show this ex of mines how unbalanced I can be, he may use this all against me one day.

The soup is cooled and I pour some in a cup, I sip the warm broth slowly, it taste extra salty for some reason.
It takes me awhile but I drink it all.
I have a small cup of ginger ale too.

 Now comes the hard part, the thing that says PURGE, I feel full.
Instead I lay down and quietly rub my chest, tears stream down my eyes, why is this so hard?
I start to think about my Eating Disorder and how much longer I can go on living this way.
I think I need to start being more honest about this illness, one day if something does happen to me, I would hate to leave lingering questions behind.
More importantly I want to leave all this bullshit behind.
I need to get back into Therapy.
I think this time around, I'll be honest about what's really going on. I don't know what will happen as a result but what I'm doing right now can't be any better.
If I feel better I'll shower or nap, I don't know.
I wish it was Wednesday already.
I wish a lot of things.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Cat's out the bag

So I wake up this morning and I must do laundry. My bed sheets are soiled with crumbs and sisterly smells and all kinds of other things.
My dishes got washed late last night after my Internet went out again thanks to Comcast and didn't come back till 1am.
All I have to do now is sweep and mop and my Domestic duties should be done.
After I give my boyfriend a ring in the morning I head to the wash house. I bring my current read The Namesake along to keep me company. It's too hott out and it's only 10am.
I get calls from my ex who's currently getting insurance on his car only, mines sits broken and useless in front of my apartment building.
Insurance is no longer an option for me.

The laundromat is empty and the book is good.
Another call from my ex asking where was I exactly, so many questions this morning.
After the dryer buzzes I gather all articles of clothing and linens, I then proceed to walk back home, walking feels like a chore now and not a pastime. I should get used to it, I need to get used to losing a lot of things.

A block away from my house is a car that looks exactly like my ex's. I get nervous and wonder if that's him keeping tabs on me.
After I head inside my house and put everything away I proceed to call my ex to ask him now where he's at.
No answer.
I walk to the car that's parked down the block. I survey it and it looks like his, after a closer inspection I can see that its not his.
Relief washes over me, and I feel sort of silly.
I smile on the walk back home.
My phone rings as I just lock the door behind me, its the ex again. He's telling me something about child support and a back pay. I tell him it's nothing to worry about, he's been current on his payments, there's paperwork to prove it even; relax.

Our conversation continues, this in fact is the most we've said to each other in about two weeks.
He's inviting me to go out tomorrow, he's taking my daughter to the beach.
The last time I went to the beach was when my sister came, I donned a bikini and was on a mission, I had a bad tan lines that needed correcting.
I succeeded minus the new tan lines from the bikini, my butt looks like the baby from the Coppertone sunscreen ads.

Since I wasn't heading to any nude beaches any time soon I could live with that, that is until I got more sunburn courtesy of my boyfriend's pool visit.
Now I'm really screwed, my tan is of all sorts, I'm back to where I started, a multi pasted striped human candy cane.
I was hoping to head to the beach this summer and get beige, but the car went kaput and that plan's out.
My ex plans on heading to the beach tomorrow, he asks if I want to tag along. I think I will, sure why not.
He tells me to have my daughter's bathing suit ready, he'll pass by and pick it up.
Five minutes later I hear my daughter calling out to me, she's out of summer tutoring, hair a mess and uniform shirt tucked out in a rebellious fashion.
My daughter runs up to me and the very first thing she says in a hurried tone is
"Mommy, Mommy I'm so sorry, daddy knows about your friend, and that he's a boy."
My daughter is referring to my boyfriend, the one my ex doesn't know I've been seeing for about two months.
I've asked my daughter to keep it a secret, that daddy doesn't need to know yet.
The cat's out the bag, he knows.
Before I could even wrap my head around what just happened, my daughter is called away and my ex doesn't even wanna look at me.
He just says he knows about the guy who spent the night at my apartment.
All I could say in response was "Why are you getting mad?"
The more I repeat it out loud the stupider it sounds I think, wish I could have said something more profound?
Lol maybe not.
My daughter is hauled away and my ex storms off to his car *shrugs*.

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other on days that my daughter is with my ex, we've tried to keep it low profile for now, my daughter is still too little and probably won't understand who's this new guy in mommy's apartment, why is he always around or what's going on?
So we've been going slow, my daughter has met him a few times, and played with his stepson too, this past week he actually spent the night here on a day my daughter wasn't with my ex.
She's been taking it okay, this is new for us all.
This is my first relationship since my exhusband, the first other person to openly know about my eating disorder and depression and be okay with it, or accepting of it at least.
I've never had sleepovers, or privacy. Intimacy or trust with another person. I've never let anyone get this close to me. I trust so very few people, it's no wonder that my most lasting friendships are with people I've known over a decade.
I'm letting my guard down and trying my hand at being happy. I've had such few joys these past few years, how can I turn any new experience away, even if it blows up in my face later, at least I could look back and say I remember when..and it was great.

This is new for my kid too, another man around that isn't her dad.
A new apartment just she and I, new people in our lives, new friends. Getting older and understanding things better. Making decisions on her own that have consequences.
Helping Mommy out, understanding that we are really on our own.

We're all adjusting best we can under the current circumstance. I regret nothing.

So now what.
I feel?
I normally would feel sorry for him, I may even cry for him in pity. I'd put myself in his shoes or call him only to get into a huge fight and make things more confusing.
That would be the old me, the me that was manipulated a lot by him.
Today though, I'm okay.
I'm glad he knows finally, I'm happy that he doesn't pay a single bill of mines, the car was our last tie and now that's officially severed.
Maybe now we can all move on with our lives.
The only person I'm worried about now is my daughter. I so desperately want to talk to her and tell her I'm not mad at her for telling. I love her no matter what. I want her to just be happy and leave all the worrying to me.
I really hope my ex didn't grill her further, making her cry and confess every single little detail that comes to mind. I hope he's the bigger person here.
When she gets back I'll tell her endlessly that everything will be okay, I'm not in the slightest bit upset over this. I'm happy.
I hate secrets and this was the final one. It wasn't fair to my ex or my current boyfriend either, being kept a secret himself, he deserves better than that.
So it happened and I'm happy for it.
When my ex calms down in a few days maybe we can talk, although I have no idea what to say other than he doesn't have to worry about anything.
My boyfriend is a great guy, he makes me incredibly happy and I love him profusely.
He respects my daughter and is a very mature individual, maybe one day the two can meet and more proper introductions can be made, but that's a time far away.

My weight is good today, no b/p yet.
I want to eat soup later.
I was trying to explain earlier what sometimes leads me to purge all food I eat, if I eat and feel full then I purge.
The "full" feeling makes my mind think that I just ate a huge buffet of food, I feel heavy like I've just put on 10lbs, and heavy and full make me think of Fat and then all those thoughts jumble up together and I somehow get convinced that it's better and safer to just get rid of it all.
I associate "Full" with heavy and heavy means something that weighs a lot, and that makes me think of fat, and FAT is what I think I am.
Makes sense?? *crickets*

I have a horrible cramp in the middle of my stomach, I think it's probably just trapped air. Speaking of trapped, I'm very backed up.
I've decided to take some colon cleaners, two to be exact. I know it will take all day and we're looking at a poo baby maybe arriving tomorrow but at least I'm not binging on laxatives right?
My ear ache is gone also.

I'm planning on a good long workout now, followed by a shower and Heroes.
I want to write tonight, my head's pretty clear, maybe I'll make the effort and push myself for a change.

You know the only thing that I don't get is what happened from the moment we hung up the phone (the ex) and the moment he picked her up from school that made him ask my daughter or somehow get it out of her about my boyfriend??

*sideways squinty eyed confused face*

Oh well!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Bad day

The mechanic was supposed to see my car today. He was going to try to pin point more or less what the problem could be, my ex would tag along too and hear how expensive this would all come out to.
My mechanic doesn't own a functioning watch I think, he's never on time, he'll say I'll be there in an hour and show up five hours later.

In the meantime, my ex husband decided we should kill time at a Thrift Store.
The mechanic was still far away from coming to look at the car so this seemed like a good idea instead of sitting awkwardly in my apartment for a few hours.

In the Thrift Store my daughter, ex and I scoured the place for things we didn't really need, but you know how that goes.
I was thinking about getting a dish set if I could find an affordable set, my current ones are more impractical than anything, time for an upgrade.
I found a cute set that was just the right price.
My ex found some shoes and my daughter found a Beanie baby she loved.

I'm in the aisle with the books, and I'm also babysitting the buggy with all our found spoils. Suddenly there are two men who get into a conversation about my Dish set.
The first man, is very tall, brunette, and has the brightest shade of green eyes I've ever seen. His eyes were like marbles, beautiful to look at.
 The second is a shorter older man, he's dressed in clothing not appropriate any more for his age, he sports a full beard, almost white, and has a thick accent. He's a New Yorker.
The New Yorker is one of those savvy Thrift store shoppers that is always on the hunt for rare finds, my Dish Set was complimented then analyzed.
The first man was like me, suddenly enveloped in conversation he wasn't expecting. After awhile the first decides to go, he's heard enough.
The New Yorker keeps going on and on about things he's found, apparently my Dish set was made in China and he doesn't like that, says anything made there is no good. He recommended European or Japanese.
I nod my head in agreement, frankly it doesn't make a difference to me, but sometimes you just have to be polite and I almost always am.
The conversation turned from Dishes to Books.
He's a James Patterson fan. I know many of them, and they all try to convince me to cross over. I think I might, my only question is this, for any other James Patterson enthusiast, what would be a good first read since he has so many?
The New Yorker kept on and on with his suggestions. I found a book I wanted to read and suddenly was wishing he would be finished with his distracting banter.
My ex and daughter come finally and things take a turn.
My daughter runs up to hug me while my ex stays a little behind quietly taking everything in. The New Yorker says my daughter and I look alike and keeps on talking, finally the conversation starts to dissipate and I couldn't be more grateful.
The book I picked out is "The Namesake" by Jhumpa Lahiri.
I've read this book once already, it's one of my favorites, it's beautifully written and so emotional. I recommend this.

We head to the checkout and my ex starts questioning my conversation with The New Yorker, he's actually jealous.
I immediately get infuriated. He has no reason to be, and more importantly no right, he's nothing to me, I'm sick to death of telling him this.
The car ride home is torture, I can already see the gears turning in my ex's head, this will not end well..
At home, I give my daughter lunch and shoo her away, in my bedroom my ex and I have it out.
He's willing to fix my car with strings attached.
I can't do this anymore. I won't.
I'm seeing someone else, I have a boyfriend now, as a matter of fact I just told my boyfriend this weekend that I was in love with him. He's a great guy and makes me feel amazing. I feel very fortunate to have him. He makes me extremely happy. I don't care what we do as long as we're together that's enough for me.
My ex needs to butt out of my life and move on with his, no more games, enough.
I tell him basically that there will never be an "us"again. I'd rather walk everywhere and have a broken car than take his money and be in an awkward situation with him, somehow feel indebted to him even.
My ex doesn't like this one bit and goes ballistic.
First he cusses me out and says things like I'm an unlovable person, that I'm a bad mom and broken, I'm messed up, etc.
Then it just escalates finally before he leaves for good.
I was incredibly distraught because my daughter was with him and I worried for her safety.
In the end though, I know he wouldn't hurt himself or her over this. It just took me a minute to get this.
So no car repair after all.
My ex won't flip the bill and right now I possibly can't.

Later on today I b/p 1x and tried to settle down, sleeping was one thing I tried but couldn't. Too many concerned people texting or calling me which is fine in the bigger scheme of things.
The mechanic shows up finally hours later with a Volkswagen's expert assisting him. My ex comes too.
The problem is two possible outcomes.

If it's the first then we're looking at 800$, if it's the latter of the two then it's 1,200 plus labor.
The mechanic has a pow wow with my ex across the street. The mechanic suggest I sell my car, he can possibly get me $3,000 he'll try to sell it "as is" and for more then it's worth, he'll pocket the difference of course.

My ex keeps asking me what I'm going to do, he can't fathom me just letting the car sit there broken. I go off on him and the mechanic watches.
Finally everyone goes home and I'm left with nothing but heartache.

I tried to work out but couldn't. I was too distraught, the sobbing started up and I physically felt bad.
I'm drinking now and thinking a bit clearer.
I guess I just have to accept this. I have to just keep moving on with my odd life.
I can't control this outcome, so I have to just let it go and let God.

I was thinking about continuing to b/p till I couldn't anymore followed by a lax binge, but I won't.
I'll just drink and blog, maybe talk to my sister again and distract myself.
No more hurting myself today.
My weight is bad, I feel fat.
I want nothing more than to lose weight, my ED craves an emaciated Lou, but I can't.
I have to fight that everyday. I have to fight that longing for lower digits and bones protruding. This is hard. How much I lose seems to be all I'm capable of controlling, of allowing. It's the one factor that has nothing to do with daily struggles and unforeseen problems.

I have to make different choices because the old ones never work.

I'm sad today, I feel like no matter what I do things just keep piling up on me. It's really hard to be positive, my heart aches. I can't understand, when will I catch a break?
When does the hurt stop?

I hope to feel better tomorrow. I'm on day two of taking all my meds again, maybe soon I'll regulate for good.
Maybe I can be okay.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I did it! I teleported in to the women's bathroom! Then you're a pervert!

So I should take a little break from the Heroes Marathon on Netflix.
I'm on season 2 and Mr. Bennet (badass) just died and came back to life.

This is a good show. Many many thanks to Anon. for recommending it. So far my favs are Hiro, Mr. Bennet, and the pretty Peter, mmmm Mohinder, I could listen to his accent all day if I could lol.. I could go on and on but I won't bore you with specifics. I'm on Season 2, two more seasons to go, I'll drag this out as long as I can.

So I'm not doing so hot.
I've been kinda depressed lately.
I allowed myself food yesterday and I'm paying for it today. My weight is shit.
I knew this would happen, I don't know why I bother sometimes.
After I picked up my daughter from school I headed to CVS, I have meds that I haven't been taking that need to be picked up. I think I've been dreading heading to CVS on account it's a constant reminder of the whole had a job then all of a sudden didn't have a job fiasco. It makes me sad.
I know I should be taking my meds because I'm going to start getting worse any minute now, but I can't seem to care enough. I'm not thinking clearly about anything lately.
I've been feeling like I just want to end everything and be left alone. Be sad and miserable without company.
This is all the depression talking of course, no one really could possibly want these things. I don't.
I can't stand myself, why on Earth should I want to keep myself company. I'd have to be drunk twenty fours a day just to tolerate myself if that ever happened.

Today I've b/p more than I care for. I've also started to pick at my skin again. This habit I really hate and have managed to avoid for some months. Not today, before and after purging sat on my bathroom floor for what seemed like hours picking with whatever sharp object I could find first. Hacked up whatever real or imaginary imperfection I saw till I got it all out. I felt 100x better afterwards, relief even like that made everything better for the moment.
Came out of the bathroom dizzy and disoriented to say the least.
I managed to keep my face at a minimum. I have scars that I hide from previous episodes in the past. Lately I've actually found a skin lighting cream that seems to work. I've gone through several trial and errors there. This one does the trick, been trying to get rid of those nasty teeth nicks on my hands too. Those are a lil trickier because I never let them heal and it seems like they go further and further down my hand and wrist even, yeah I said wrist. I can be a determined one when I want something.

I want laxatives, but I'm extra broke this week so I can't rack up like I'm used to.
My ex called me today, he was on his way to get my daughter, I'm desperate so I asked him to please buy me three boxes of laxatives for tonight. He agreed and remembers my brand.
He's always been an enabler.
In my apartment and he gives me grief as usual, I take my boxes and immediately start popping em.
He asks me about cuts on my person and I tell him, he already knows I do this. He can't tell me much, what can you possibly say to me that would even get through to me, I don't even listen to me.
I don't think in the moment, I just deal with whatever comes later.
My daughter has Summer tutoring, tomorrow is her last day of school. She'll have to go to class twice a week for four hours. My sister pointed out to me that her classes will actually be on days my Ex has her, I found this hilarious, I'd be sleeping in after all.
I say goodbye to my daughter and tell her I love her, my ex says goodbye and mumbles he loves me too, I ignore it. He tries to make eye contact, I couldn't close my door any quicker. God how I wish he would just move on. I wish I had a job, I'd save for a divorce immediately. It's time everyone start over with their lives, no more delusions.
You can't possibly have a future with anyone if your past (EX) is staring right at you. I don't care to be one of those complicated people, the ones that are all tangled up like a ball of yarn, their past and present so intertwined you just wanna avoid the entanglement all together because it's just too hard and time consuming.
 I just want a clean break. I want simplicity if that's even possible. I'm sure it is, but like everything else only you can change your current situation.

After he takes her for the night, I'm left all alone to my devices.
I was going to workout but the Heroes marathon called to me, so there that idea went. I'll try to pull myself away and try to write. Started a new chapter and I'm three pages in.
I'm stuck now because I don't know where to take this character. I don't know if I should turn him into someone else. He was good at first, but I'm thinking there has to be a bad guy, maybe it could be him?
I don't know yet, I was thinking of going a different route but I guess this is why I haven't finished this novel in the four years since starting it, I just don't know, or rather can't make up my mind and follow through.

So now what.
Maybe just let today end and have a do over tomorrow.
I think I'll do just that.
Tomorrow will be different. I'll try harder.
On a happier note today makes day two no smoking cigarettes. I've decided to slow down and all together quit.
The smoking is triggering Anxiety and I can't have none of that. Anxiety attacks scare me, I don't want one, I don't need this.
So bye bye Nicotine, I've quit you before I can do it again.
If I get fed up or really bored with something I can get rid of it but I have to really apply myself. I've quit hard drugs, a party lifestyle, an abusive ex husband..I'm sure drinking, smoking and the eating disorder will follow someday too.
Everything in it's time. No more, no less.

Monday, June 4, 2012


I've b/p today, and took laxatives.
I started having major Anxiety an hour later, because I take so many I put my body through a lot it's quite the painful experience that I'm not looking forward too, so of course I get antsy thinking about the long night ahead.

I took a cold shower because I started to get hot flashes. The shower didn't help, the water falling on my skin felt too intense, everything felt exaggerated.
I needed to try to calm down.
 I came up with this thing that has been helping me sometimes.
I applied these sticky mirrors in my shower, when I feel an attack coming on I'll hop in the tub and lather myself with some body wash that smells really nice
 (scent helps my panic too) if I can look at myself in the mirror also whilst the attack is coming on, then I can talk myself down. It works it sorta did.

In that panic stricken moment so much goes through my head, mostly I start to feel sorry for myself and analyze everything, including what Recovery is like.
I started to think about getting back into therapy again, and actually telling someone about my Ed from the beginning.
Then there are thoughts like what is the point, you know help is beyond you now.
You don't even know why you do the things you do, how can someone else figure it out for you, you're going to waste someones time with all your problems..etc etc

I always do this, I want help and in that brief moment of clarity I get hopeful.
Once it passe and I feel better I push all those thoughts away.
I don't know why I have no regard for my life or anything, I never thought this would be my life, what life?

I have disordered thinking, lately its been nothing but wishing I was back to my lowest weight, I was happy then, losing weight was effortless, it just kept coming off.
I was a functioning anorexic too, I had a great job, I went out every weekend, I did things, had fun all the time.
I did have bad days too sure, there were days where my body hurt, I was cold all the time, but I wasn't as aware as I am now to how bad this is.
I know now the way I'm living is unhealthy, back then I didn't and I was too distracted to care.
Getting back down to my lowest weight won't help matters, I hate that I've been thinking that, I won't. These are just things that go through my head sometimes..bad things.
I have too much time on my hands which makes this Ed dangerous. It consumes me more and more. I don't see it stopping unless I'm really ready. I keep thinking I can do this all on my own, but maybe I'm not supposed to. I'm just scared to let someone else know me, truly know me; us, Ed and I.
Maybe one day I will.

I was planning on taking a sleeping pill later and calling it a day, wanted to stop b/ping.
Instead I'll tough it out, I'll never learn to slow this down if I just keep looking for shortcuts.
I'm going to try and write, I'll need another shower, I feel so hot still.
I regret the laxatives now, I really do, those things are gonna kill me.

God I wish I could stop all this bullshit.

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