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Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Two days blogging in a row? Waaaaaaat!

Well lookey here, I'm writing again.
I love you all but in all actuality you guys are helping me procrastinate.
Shh don't tell my boyfriend.
See I'm supposed to be "writing" aka ending my novel, trust me I would love nothing more than to do that but I'm a bit distracted at the moment.
One does not simply stop binge watching Ghost Whisperer on Netflix, dammit it's hard not to love that Melinda or her gorgeous husband who dies then became a step in and turned into an ugly man named Sam..or my favorite character Eli. I can be here all night listing what's great and not so great about the show but I'm supposed to be "writing."
I have a case of horrible writer's block, the sad part is I decided ok, let's set the chapter aside for now and just write something else in the meantime but as it happens that stunk too.
So you see my dilemma.
I've decided instead to blog tonight, I want to just pour what comes out, no deadlines, or editing or character development, I just want to write for writing's sake.
I'm multitasking too, I'm blogging and also listening to a Webinar for work.
I'm doing two more things than I did yesterday so yay me.

Today was a short day at work, or I thought it was. Instead we were slammed and had all the sick and crazies out. I actually had some lady cough on my boss, she's like "I have this cough, hack hack!"
I'm so happy that I'm already sick thus a germy shield against whatever she was counter germinating.
Yea I'm sick, my daughter has Bronchitis and I got some of her leftovers. She was sick last week when her dad had her, by the time I picked her up from my exhausting work day she was really sick.
The next day I had to take her to Urgent Care and they were able to medicate her and help alleviate those swollen lungs.
My job is never done, I have to be Mom and responsible Dad all the time, if I hadn't taken her who knows how sick she'd get.
Her father blamed everyone but himself on why she got so bad, he blamed walking around barefoot, and my cats even!
My cats are a lot of things but they are not giant Allergy agents.
Well the lady who coughed on my boss was the christening of our pharmaceutical boat
The rest of the day had all kinds of characters coming out of the woodwork. The one that was the most aggressive were this couple. Over the weekend which I didn't work of course, my other pharmacist gave these people a partial on some antibiotics that are really expensive and I'm actually surprised we even have them, she promised to order the remaining for Monday.
Well Monday rolls around and they take it in stride that the medicine isn't ready. Tuesday comes and so does this lady's boyfriend like a freight train running down hobo/technicians on his track.
He's mad and that's understandable but he was so aggressive, he had an insult for everyone.
Around 1 and the day finally starts slowing down a bit. I didn't eat yesterday but decided this morning to chug a Boost shake this time with my morning meds that I have finally been back on for a couple of months.
The rest of the day I had a couple of sips of water and 1 Special K cereal bar. That's 330 calories for the rest of my 8 hour shift. One of my coworkers is into biking and counting calories, grams etc.
He's always calculating what he will eat and how long it will take him to burn it off.
Today he was especially annoying on account of not knowing whether to have a Honey Bun or Twinkie. He has to take his lunch breaks before I leave cos this week I've been working in the mornings and he's been closing. I don't take lunch breaks, I wait until my shift is almost over and leave 30 minutes earlier.
Today as he pondered what Hostess snack to eat, he asks me what I had today, I said "A cereal bar."
He asked me how I did it, what's my secret? I told him I was still sick and had no taste buds so anything I ate didn't matter because it all tastes like snot.
He laughs and we go about our business.
I got out at three today but with traffic and all it's like I got out at four; coming home my empty apartment with my cats, fish and newest member of the family, a ferret. Yes "Stinky" as I call her although my daughter named her "Oreo."
I love her but man does she stink. I'm constantly on the lookout for candles, air fresheners and plug ins in the vain attempt to mask that petting zoo smell from my apartment.
I have Netflix on in the background so there's noise in the house.
So this is the part in the day I hate, the "Do we eat' part.
I walk to the kitchen and look into the fridge and sigh. Nope, nothing in here that I want.
The cupboards are next followed by a gander on what's on top of the fridge, but no.
There isn't anything I want, because what I really want is to just not eat and move on with the rest of the day.
I finally decided on some tuna and crackers.
After not eating much for so long, it doesn't take a whole lot before I start to feel full.
When this happens, if I want to avoid a b/p session, I must put the bowl of tuna down and drop that cracker now.
So there body, I ate. You have food in you now leave me alone for the next couple of days.
I managed to keep it down and not have a meltdown. The rest of the tuna goes to the colony of stray cats I have been feeding in front of my building.
Now tomorrow is my long shift where I work 13 hours with no break.
That's when it's a challenge to find time to eat.
Sometimes my boss will buy us lunch and I almost always have no time to eat it.
I'll have a shake in the morning for sure but as for the rest of the day, well I don't know.


Monday, February 22, 2016

Hello it's me..

It's been awhile since I've been on here.
A lot has happened but nothing's changed.
2016 hasn't been too good to me.
My rent has been raised significantly, my car is having trouble, an old friend was murdered.
So many things that have been happening in between my grueling work schedule.
I find myself working 13 hour shifts at the pharmacy which has been so busy lately and in distress ever since Christmas when my other colleague decided to never show up to work again.
We've been struggling and I'm going insane.
The problem with not only working all day is that fact that I'm not eating all day either.
So far I've lost 12lbs from mere starvation.
The binging and the purging episodes have stopped, that I'm happy about, but now something worse has taken it's place.
I'm getting used to not eating, real used to it.
I talk myself out of meals daily, guilt myself into continuing the whole day with nothing at all, "you've been doing so well, don't eat now, the days almost over."
I haven't worked out in so long, I just don't feel like it anymore.
I'm so drained from work I have no energy for anything else.
On weekends which I happen to be off, I cook for my boyfriend and the kids. I don't eat.
I pretend to eat. I pretend well.
I'm not purposely trying to starve, it just gradually started happening one day and then lead into the next and then two months later.
Working all day and constantly moving around all day is distracting, by the time I get home it's almost time for bed. I stay up a few hours and then take a Xanax and go to bed.
I've stopped drinking everyday too, no more cigarettes for me either.
I'll have a drink or two on Fridays with my boyfriend while we stay up watching Netflix followed by chill lol.
So while I've left most habits behind, my eating disorder is not one of them.
My favorite quote that I have tattooed even on my ribcage says it all,

"How will you know I am hurting, if you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain." ~C. Blount.

I am very stressed out lately, even if I don't complain much about it or ask for help, I am in trouble.
This feels different, I don't feel in control. I feel sad inside, hollow. The outside reflects what I feel most days on the inside, that I'm losing, losing the fight, the hope that things will change.
The echoes of starvation are a sign that all is not well on the home front.
The quiet times I have to myself are both haunting and horrifying.
I'm terrified to eat anything that I consider heavy, I don't want to start that binge and purge cycle again.
That is pure misery.
So food is being avoided altogether.
I'm living off water and Ensure.
A piece of gum at work when my mouth is too dry which lately is all the time.
My hair's falling out again. I'm still holding on to what I can, but soon I'm afraid I'll cut these matty locks in frustration.
I'm tired all the time, while I feel so sleepy during the day, the night has me wired.
If I don't take something to knock me out then I'm running on two hours or no sleep at all.
I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, what better way than to alleviate it then by losing weight.

So I leave you now with this entry, I'm trying to kick start my writer's block from the novel, I am on chapter 11 and we're almost to the finish line.
I can see the finale.

Goodnight lovelies.