Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Ya know..

So Monday I did the job search thing, first stop Sprint Mobile store.

I applied and it looks promising, the only thing is they work off of commissions..let's see what happens.
I get home from a long day of searching and then have to cook dinner, homework with my kid, clean up, workout and after all of that, I feel like I'm about to collapse.
This is getting hard, everyday is hard, I am constantly tired and its addicting, the not eating.
I like that I can resist now, it makes me sad and cry but I do it and I like it. I don't want food, I don't want to eat.
I talk to The Boy last night and tell him that I feel tired, I feel faint.
He asks me if I've been eating and I say NO.
He asks me if I'm going to tell my therapist about this loss of appetite in which I respond yes.
I ask him if hypothetically I was diagnosed as Anorexic or having an Eating Disorder what would he think of me?
He said he would think no less of me, no judgements. His only concern is that I eat something and try to not hurt myself.
So I think I kinda sorta came out to him maybe?
I went to bed early, I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

Therapy today and I feel like I'm about to fall asleep behind the wheel as I'm driving.
I head upstairs cold and dizzy, so dizzy took the elevator instead of the usual stairs. I have a small bag of sour gummy bears in my purse, bag says fat free 120 calories.
I start to eat them to feel better and notice the waiting room has a new TV on the wall where a horrible painting of a seaside marina once was.
Of course the TV is showing nothing but cooking shows.

My shrink arrives early and tells me her new office is downstairs today, She gives me a double take as I get up from my chair.
In her new office, she doesn't even wait for me to sit down before getting on for losing weight.
"Why are you so skinny? are you okay, how can you lose so much from the last time I saw you?"
I want to tell her and I almost do.
I begin to..
Suddenly an interruption, several as a matter of fact.
Downstairs offices are dangerous and noisy, as a matter of fact the whole downstairs area is. That's where all the crazies roam.
So the 1st action was crazy woman#1 who bumped into someone by mistake and didn't apologize, so crazy lady#2 went batshit and Code 17 was called on every speaker and phone line in each office.
Code 17 is the Crisis Team, the men in white ironed uniforms who come very quickly and haul you away to lockup for 48hrs..
Second Interruption was a man who couldn't see his Dr. today and had no more refills. He made a scene and threw himself against the walls near the office I was in. More Codes shouted and pitter patter of squeaky shoes come along and take him away.
Third Interruption was a woman in the hall outside our office who was sobbing uncontrollably because her insurance wouldn't cover her meds or treatment anymore.
Code 17!
Bye bye..
The last interruption was a Manila folder shoved under the shrinks door that said Confidential, a new patient.
Finally after all that was done, we started talking about my week. I told her about my Child Support appointment next week, my failed housing Inspection, my niece moving out of Town, and finally I showed her my resume.
The resume my shrink liked but had a few notes on, so she decided to send me an email with suggestions, she then said to fix it and email it back so she can make copies for me. I think its great that she's doing this for me.
So then she brought the question of my weight loss back up and I told her that I feel as though my life is outta my hands, at a standstill. I have no control over what is happening. I've not been eating because I feel no need to, not hungry and focusing on my body is the one thing that I can do, that I have a say in.
She takes this all in.
She tells me to eat every 3hrs (!!) that I need to be healthy and safe, that she can understand how I feel but I'm trying to go for a change now, and feeling weak and no energy is not going to help me at all.
Our session ends and I agree to it.
On my Drive home it starts to rain really hard, puddles of water are everywhere. The car in front of me is purposely splashing people on the sidewalks. Its funny to look at from my view.
I had to do it one time myself, I managed to splash a group of unfortunates at a bustop. It actually puts a smile on my face doing so.

On the drive home my Case Manager calls to tell me that she's stopping by this week for a visit.
I feel tired heading up the three flights of stairs to my apartment. I tell my husband that we have to head to my daughter's school and make arraignments for next week's court date. She has to be at the school at 7am sharp for something called "Before School Care."
Our Court Date in front of the judge is mandatory and no kid's are allowed in the courtroom so seeing as we have no other person to depend on, we have to leave her earlier than usual that day at school. Everything settled and it all seemed like a cinch for once.
We are near Publix and there is an hour to kill before picking my kid up officially from school. I suggest we head to Publix so I can apply for a job there. They don't have an online application, and you have to apply directly at the store kiosk. Stupid if you ask me..
So I apply.
As I'm about twenty minutes into this long process of applying for work everything around me starts to mute and go dark, I yell for my husband who catches me just in time before I hit the ground.
I couldn't even finish my application.
I tell him to take me to the car, I need to sit down immediately. My husband's face is as pale as mine and he has no idea what to do with me. We sit in my car and as it happens its time to get my daughter from school.
In the Parking lot waiting for her class to come out, my husband breaks down in the driver's seat.
"You're so miserable, its all my fault, everything is my fault." He sobs and doesn't look at me.
I tell him that its the past, and that I don't know what's happening to me anymore. The only explanation I can give is this, the more miserable I am, the more I hurt myself, the more I hurt myself, the more miserable I feel. Its a vicious cycle and I don't know how to stop. I think I will die if I keep going down this road, and I care but I also don't.
The drive home is silent, we head to CVS to check on my prescription that's due and to rack up on Gatorade for me.
My Script will be ready at 5pm.
At home I drink till I'm stuffed and eat a banana.
I go to the bathroom and lift my shirt to check how large my stomach had distended. I start to cry and feel like a whale. I start the skin picking again, my face had finally cleared some since promising my shrink last week that I wouldn't do it anymore. I get dizzy standing and staring at myface finding spots and things that aren't there and picking them off untill I'm red all over and puffy.
I get so distraught I have to take half an anxiety pill to calm down.
Its almost time to get my meds and I suggest we go walking (2miles) to go get it.
It starts to rain but that doesn't stop us. I want to burn off whatever is in now. So we walk and I feel better along the way. I also am freezing!

At CVS and the shit has hit the fan, the pharmacy technician tells me that my Insurance is no longer paying for prescriptions written by Dr. Jerkoff!
I need my Wellbutrin, I'm out completely. I ask how much are the pills cash and of course its along the lines of 40$
I'm pissed and my husband agrees to pay for it in the meantime till everything gets sorted.
So I call my Case Manager and she explains to me that Dr.Jerkoff is having too many complaints and they might be giving him the boot soon. She told me to head back to the clinic tomorrow and explain what just happened. See if the new Dr. I want or whoever is available will transfer me to their patient list.
I'm not happy. I feel like crying.
So I'm going to have to waste a whole day sorting this out.
The walk home I'm not happy and get comments from strangers to smile..wish they mind their dam business.
My husband is spent from the long hellish day I put him through. He needs to drink and soon so our last stop is the liquor store before returning home.

Finally home and I eat another banana, I feel awful and fat. My husband can't understand why food is doing this to me, why it has such a life of its own and a domination?
I tried to explain further and sound foolish in doing so.
I give up explaining.
Tomorrow I have to restrict like crazy and workout the minute I get up and get home.
My sweet Boy is online and concerned about my fainting spell. He tells me to eat, to be okay.
I wish I could, I won't even try to explain to him, I can't he won't understand.
Instead we swap resumes, laugh and continue talking about a future where we both live under the same roof and how nice it would be.
How he just wants to be with me no matter what, he dreams about me and wishes I was there everyday.
His sweet words are a temporary escape from Ed and all its bullshit.
So now I'm off to shower and go to bed, I'm really tired and tomorrow is another long day full of surprises.
Feel better everyone, I can see some of you are going through a lot yourselves.
I love you all and wish that we could just all be happy, whatever that Taboo word even means..

Monday, August 29, 2011

I wanna get off this ride

I'm so tired, barely could muster enough energy to workout..my head is throbbing.
All I've had today was a couple of sips of coffee and a banana.
The job search continues tomorrow, I've applied at a few places.
I'm really tired I feel like I'm dying?
I'll post again tomorrow if I can.
I love you all.
Thanks for listening to this sick girl.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Giddy School Girl?

Monday and its the first day of school.
The night before was spent talking late with The Boy and even Happy Tuesday. I've prepped all the school supplies and set the alarm to that familiar time of 6am.
I wake up be fore the alarm goes off and the familiar feeling from before are coming back to me, it feels good to wake up early and do exercises. I don't feel pudgy today.
I feel accomplished, I shower and wake up my daughter.
Her new haircut from Sunday suits her well, I'm glad we didn't stay long at the baby shower, we would have been tired. The morning is starting off on time, after half an hour and breakfast served at my daughter's small Winnie the Pooh themed table, my Husband wakes up. He doesn't want to miss the first day of school.
I'm still a little queasy in the morning and take only my meds and vitamins.
The scale says 105lbs this morning and I'm in shock. I haven't been this low in awhile and I hate how randomly it happened without me killing myself to achieve it.
I've missed three workouts this week so I can only assume its muscle mass I'm losing, that doesn't make me happy. I've worked very hard lately I don't want to revert back to just being bone and skin. I have to start working out more and building the muscle back up this week. I was starting to like the definition and toning lately.
At 8am sharp the three of us head out into the morning traffic in my little yellow bug.
There is no parking anywhere and hoards of parents and children everywhere. I have to park two whole blocks away from the school. My daughter is excited and nervous at the same time, I am too, I hope I don't cry.
Yes I joke about her being in school and finally having some peace in the house but the truth of the matter is, that's my baby and I don't ever want to be away from her, she's the one person who can make me smile and feel better when I'm not.
I don't see my Crush at his usual post, instead someone new there instead, and also a new employee at the front door inspecting the student's uniforms as they enter the building.We were warned this year that the school would be coming down hard on Uniform Policies. I can see now what they meant. I wonder what happened to my Crush. I saw him only once during the summer, I wonder if he no longer works here or if the chaos of the first day has him posted elsewhere?

The one thing I love about this year is my daughter's classroom is on the other side of the school, so dropping her off and picking her up is better, I can actually take her directly to class. The morning is nice, the sun not that hot and its a bit breezy these days with all the rain.
My daughter and I hold hands and head to her classroom. My husband is happy and I can already see his eyes getting glossy. It surprises me how sentimental he has become these past years, and how hard I've become, the roles have reversed. I'm no longer sugar and spice and everything nice..

This is my husband's first time meeting her teacher and he's already skeptical.
"She looks mean." he whispers to me as we search for my daughter's desk.
No I tell him, she looks tough, I like that, means that some work will get done around here. I think she'll show the baby alot of new things.
My daughter's desk is all the way at the very front of the classroom by the chalkboard. I love this, she will soak up all the new information first.
There are a lot of parents coaxing their kids and reassuring them that everything will be okay. I pity these parents. I think they are damaging the kids that way, its best to always just pull the band aid off in one swift yank then slowly. It won't lessen the pain.
My daughter is quiet at first and I can tell she's nervous but after eyeing three former kindergarten classmates she loosens up and waves frantically at them. She's settled in then. Kisses and hugs are given and it's time to go and leave her be. My husband is sad and I am too but I don't cry just yet, I'll save that for later in the shower.

At home now and my husband gets a call from work, they want him to go in on his day off, he asks me what should he do?
Part of me says yes please go and don't come back, but I tell him to do what feels right, I have other things on my mind.
I have an Inspection of the apartment today and have no time to spare.
He decides to stay home. I defrost ground beef in the sink and my husband naps on the couch. The Boy is online and I'm occupied talking to him and waiting on the inspector. After an hour of this he finally arrives with a checklist and all is well in my roach infested studio. Everything is ignored. I can only guess he doesn't care and caring would take up too much time and paperwork.
I get dinner started and my daughter is picked up from school and so the day begins, homework, dinner working out and movies from the DVR.
The routine is back on.

Tuesday now and I head to therapy and spill the beans about the week.
My therapist is trying to help me learn how to defend myself, she wants me to stick up for myself and stop the put downs that happen in arguments.
She's concerned at how quickly I can fall apart. I tell her I think I'm losing my faith in God a little and in this the longing for self sacrifice increases. I hate that I feel that way, I don't want to kill myself, but the despair and worthlessness that I feel is too much sometimes.
She's trying to help me and I will let her.
Today is Happy Tuesday's birthday, I wished him a happy one last night at 12am exactly on his FB wall. He IM me on Yahoo Messenger around 2am or so wanting to chat. I forgot I was still logged in and had to cut him off, I was tired and had an early day.
I hope he's okay but what can I say to him really. He holds the cards to us, if he wants to see me, its on his time not mines, I don't know when that will happen again exactly, but I'm in no rush. It doesn't matter anymore, he doesn't have the same affect on me as before.
The boy is at work now and texting me, I laugh at how he gets away with chatting with me instead of working, he laughs and says he's able to do both and well in fact.
He speaks of nothing now but living together, he describes what it would be like coming home to me everyday and how happy we would be. He says he thinks of me all the time. He says I'm beautiful and funny and he feels lucky to have me. My favorite thing he says is that I make him happy.
I seldom hear that.
My therapist says its a nice idea but to go slow and I agree, I told him we just will have to not rush into anything.
Waiting and saving and planning are okay things. We have all the time in the world, its better this way.
He says its fine and there is no rush.
I will start my resume sometime this week and begin the job hunt. I don't know what I will find but anything is better than nothing.
I hope you all are well and hanging in there. there is not much else to do but that. Still no Mia in sight and that's a good thing. I feel in control. I think this officially makes 31 days now? Hmm do I get some kind of sobriety chip to have on my keychain as a reminder of my hard accomplishment, where can I sign up for that. I may just have to have a makeshift memento in the meantime.
Now if I can only get the emotional side of me back in order than I may actually pass for a person of some sort..

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Tonight I attended my daughter's 1st Grade Open House and met her teachers, all three of them, Classroom, Art and Music..
My husband waited outside along with other parents who brought their children, tonight was a Parents only attendance.
I'm really glad for the anxiety meds, the crowded classroom didn't affect me and I was able to focus on the orientation meeting.
The usual was said, classroom rules, uniform conduct, mandatory volunteer hours, and the inevitable (LATE) school supply list.

School starts Monday and that means now we have to rush and get leftover school supplies.
Problem one is my Husband says he's broke until Saturday, he wants me to do the school shopping on Sunday the day of my friend's baby shower.
Problem two is that I'm once again expected to give up any plans I had for this.
So for my daughter I gave up the only money I had on me which was forty dollars and I can't go to the baby shower anymore.
So I'm in a bad mood now.
The only good thing about this years school supply list is that the items aren't real specific fancy stuff, nothing a trip to the Dollar Store can't fix.
We drive there just to see if we can knock down some of the items on there.
In the dollar store I find some of what I need but not all. Not the real important stuff.
Looks like a Sunday shopping trip it is.
In the checkout line my husband and I begin to argue, he wants to be my husband, to resume the role of man of the house and number one Dad.
The migraine comes on, the arguing doesn't stop.
Its still on going as I'm typing this post.
My daughter wants Pizza and I think not only is that too heavy and fattening for her to eat right now, my husband promises her otherwise.
So I'm outvoted.
We end up at a cafeteria because my husband wants Hot food. The leftover Baked Ziti in the fridge isn't to his liking.
I've been eating Redhots non stop all day.
By this time of night the bag is almost done.
Now I've started on the Sunflower seeds and water.
My face is caked with powder, I've picked at it a lot.
If you didn't know me you'd say my skinny body and bad skin were a result of drug use.
I may go out of order here only because I'm really pissed and tired.
So we end up getting the food and much to my protest the Pizza.
In the bathroom at home I start digging at my face again, its red and bloody and I think I deserve it, as a matter of fact I think I deserve to just slit my throat and be done already.
Instead I weigh myself and cry because its up from the water, candy and coffee. I look at myself in the mirror and cry, tears and distorted grin. I start to pull at my hair and slap myself, i punch my gut and scratch at my arms. I don't understand why I hate myself so, but I do. God forgive me, I don't think I'll ever love me.
I end up showering while everyone eats.
The boy is texting me from work and is on his way home finally. We chat online while I have Big Brother playing on Youtube on an open window tab. I tell him about my day and he tells me about his.
I always feel better talking to him, he makes me feel like a person and not a sick person.
He excuses himself to go shower and when he comes back my response is Yay!
We always do this, when one of us leaves and comes back we exclaim with jubilation.
He tells me that he wishes we were living together and then asks me something random, he watches alot of Anime, its what he does, how he unwinds. Maybe this has been a problem before in his other relationships because this question was brought to my attention is my only guess?
He asks me if I "Would you get mad if living together I would watch a lot of Anime?"
I respond No.
I've been to the rodeo before folks, I'm no stranger to men and their odd obsession to the TV.
My husbands was drinking, basketball, my brothers Sports and Video Games. I have my own vices so why should I mind.
After I say No he's relived, and then I ask my own question in return.
Would you get mad if I work out a lot?
He says no and laughs, "Why would I mind."
I also said that I would always cook in the house, he would never have to worry about that, I'm not one of those girls who can't even boil water, but that I don't eat a lot, as a matter of fact I don't eat much at all, sometimes not at all..
He says he wouldn't get mad at me for that and that he actually eats alot,  (he is blessed with a fast metabo).
Well I told him, we're perfect then because there would be more food for him then. We had a good laugh at that. I also asked him if I told him something about me that was serious, could something like that ever change how he feels for me in which he responded no. I almost told him, but decided against it.
During some commercial break I think my husband decides to try to tickle me and kiss me, in which my body's natural reaction to unwanted touch is cringing and pushing away. My husband is offended and asks me why I do that, he says I'm like a stranger.
So now we start a new fight about the same old shit.
I proceed to tell him about all that I've suffered while he had his penis in another woman and he begins to say get over it.
He also brings my sister in the mix and says now that he agrees with her, and that she said that if it wasn't for him in my life Lord only know what condition my daughter would be in.
You can call me fat, ugly stupid, whore, I'll agree, but when you say I'm a bad Mom I won't stand for it.
And I finally say enough, I give up I quit.
Fine I'll be your paper wife.
We live together and attend stuff and its all pretty from the outside, but I will never love you again.
He's frustrated and keeps at it again, beating the dead horse...
I get pissed and had to tell him to STFU and then proceeded to slam my head against the desk. This shocked him so that he went straight to bed.
I'm so tired you have no idea.
I'm going to keep losing weight, I'm going to be dead inside and alone. No one will ever know me because there is no me.
I'm so worthless and unlovable that my sister would stop talking to me, I'm such crap that I have no real friends. I'm such a slag that Men force themselves on me. I deserve nothing, not even my daughter.
I'm a waste.
I don't know how to do anything except say the wrong things and piss people off. I'm weak and don't know how to stick up for myself.
I don't get why God keeps me alive?
I'm starting to think if there is a God at all.
Maybe I should just do whatever I want from now on and not care.
All I wanted to do today was just be there for my kid at school. I was excited because I actually payed attention and didn't forget what was said. My baby is starting 1st Grade on Monday. I was already thinking about possible places to apply for work, I'm happy my car is fixed, I'm not even mad anymore at Happy Tuesday standing me up. Why can't the day just go smooth, I should just get a job somewhere and prostitute on the side, save money and just move out of Miami when my husband is at work. I feel like I will never be free of this life. I'm trying to be patient and just hang in there a little while longer but it's so hard. Such few things make me smile nowadays. Is it selfish to desire suicide as an out, to say you win life, I just can't cut it?
Now my husband is asleep and I'm mad and sad and overwhelmed. Tomorrow I'll just punish myself more by not eating and working out profusely.
I am utterly alone, my God I have no one but a six year old, two cats, a studio apartment and a Husband who still thinks he can make me love him again.
I may not sleep tonight, its already 2am, I'll clean the house and do dishes, followed by crunches and push ups. I'm sorry for being so negative and depressing right now, but i just needed to vent. I have no one else to talk to about this or anything for that matter.
What an awful day.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


So on the weekend I ended up on the other end of a conversation with Happy Tuesday, it started off innocently enough and then I don't know what happened, how I got sucked back into the routine of him telling me how much he cared about me and me being an idiot and suggesting we hook up again.
*Deep Sigh*
Yesterday he was already dropping hints that he was on babysitting duty and maybe couldn't see me on Tuesday..maybe but he asked me to call him in the morning anyways just to be sure, my gut said not to call, what was I doing?
I agreed.
I was excited at the thought of both getting out of the house again and having human contact finally after months of zippo.
I had everything ready, underwear, outfit, even baked cookies since he loves my baking.

Peanut Butter Cookies from Scratch

This morning I'm getting dressed and only digested meds to keep my stomach flat, I'm at 106.4 today even.
I thought the day was starting off great?
I'm ready and out the door to see my shrink.
I'm early so I have a seat and call Happy Tuesday.
Ring Ring Ring..nothing
Again, maybe I dialed the wrong number?
Ring Ring Ring..nothing.
I feel the wave of disappointment hit me, luckily I didn't have time to wallow long, my Shrink showed up on time, bubbly as usual and pulled me into her office.
I tell her about the week and she's appalled at Dr. Jerkoff's unprofessional manner. She tells me that I shouldn't feel guilty or bad about my Disorders, they are out of my control and everything he said was just ridiculous. There is no such thing as "Just Cheer Up" for someone like me. She also suggested I get a new Dr.
Our session is good today, I told her about the skin picking, she suggested that every time I feel like doing that to do some exercise instead, something else with my hands, that obviously the picking is just another form of anxiety.
As we're talking my cell goes off with a text message from Happy Tuesday, he's got the kid with him so he's just at his moms house now. Text him when I'm done.
I shake my head.
My session is finally over and I'm headed to my car and texting Happy Tuesday once inside. I stay in the Publix parking lot waiting for his reply, I ask him can I please come visit anyways, a friendly visit, we don't need to hookup I just want to talk.
He takes forever to respond and then says sorry I can't.
His stepson has a big mouth and will tell mommy everything.
I'm pissed and tell him fine goodbye.

Tell Mommy everything, oh folks.
This is his Ex girlfriend he's living with  (roommates) he babysits she works.
I feel like the dirty little secret, I don't get why its any of her business. I guess because he still loves her and doesn't want to ruin that chance reunion.
I have nowhere to go now but back home.
I head to Publix for some Ricotta cheese to make a Baked Ziti for dinner later.
I feel like throwing the cookies out the fucking window!
I'm so stupid.
Why do I keep believing in people and giving them the benefit of the doubt?
Why do I always attract the losers and weirdos and stalkers?
I get home and my husband is here and all I wanna do is just cry because I feel so sad and pathetic.
I can't cry not yet, my husband sees my face and hears the commotion in the kitchen and takes a hike with my kid to the Park.
Now I can cry.
I haven't spoken to the boy all day, I don't know if I even should, there's another person who's time I'm wasting.
Its not like we're ever going to see each other, no matter how many I miss you he utters it doesn't mean shit when I'm here alone.
Anyways he doesn't even know me, not the real me, the fucked up, abused, eating disordered, depressed, neurotic me.
He thinks I'm normal, if he knew who I really was he may not want to deal with all that although he says otherwise.
I may tell him soon, what's the point in pretending.
I'm not meant to be happy, or ever fall in love again, I think God wants me to stay stuck in this sham of a marriage forever.
At least my husband enables my Eating Disorder, I should be happy about that, makes the punishments I give myself more valid.
I don't think things are going to change for me, not like how I envision.
I think after a certain age in your life there are no such things as Dreams.
So now I'm going to finish making dinner and then go workout followed by picking at my face and legs.
I'm really sad now and in no mood to talk to anyone.
Loser is as loser does.
I hope Happy Tuesday gets the hint and leaves me alone.
I feel bad ignoring the boy but I'm just not in that mood, he'll make me sadder, he's so sweet and I can't see him. I don't want to say the wrong thing to him because of my sour disposition.
I don't get why God puts people in your life sometimes, what is the purpose.
Tomorrow is my daughter's open house, maybe I'll feel better then.
I wanna answer SmallasaPanda's question about how I make my Iced Coffee..
Now be warned if you count calories this may be a turn off, Coffee and Creamer are the one thing that I don't deny myself, I average about 100-150 calories, I burn it off anyways with exercise so it doesn't drive me mad, we gotta allow ourselves little pleasures sometimes.
So here it is sweetie.

Brew in your coffee pot four (4) cups water.
Half and Half creamer, your desired amount.
Three (3) tablespoons Instant French Vanilla Cappuccino Mix.
Add Desired amount of Sugar to your taste.
Mix in Container and Chill in freezer for five minutes to let coffee cool.

In the meantime, crush Ice in Blender. One Whole tray should do.
Once coffee is no longer hot, dump contents into crushed ice in Blender..

Set Blender to Mix for a few seconds  then Cream for a minute more..

And there you have it, Iced Coffee.
If you don't like French Vanilla you can find other flavors, you could also add Flavored Syrups of your choice or Spices like Cinnamon too. Experiment away!
Hope you make your own soon, super easy and way cheaper then Starbucks.

Okay so that's it, back to the grind.
Stay strong lovelies and good luck. I hope those that are down in the dumps too can pull themselves out.
Tomorrow is another day to reset and get back on track.
(HUGS) to you all and sorry I can't be more cheery, on the plus side 24 days no Mia, feels good to have a break from that.
Here's to hopin it will be permanent..

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

All Better

Well today I finally got moving and got off my butt.
Hair is dyed nails are done, house is clean..
I feel great finally getting back on track, I'm not sad today either, happy actually.
Its on account of The Boy mostly, he knows just what to say to make me feel better.
Last night we discussed living cost of Miami vs. Orlando.
He's not saying No to possibly moving down here just as I'm not entirely closed to the idea of moving up there one day..
So today all I've had is coffee and no migraines, what a relief.I'm catching up on blogs and saying hello to the new readers out there. I'm catching up on Twitter and Facebook, now my Tumbler is a neglected mess but I'll see to that this weekend possibly.
I've also found a new book to read and I'll share on Fridays Vlog.
My dear sweet Sam, your comment made me smile,
I'm glad you're enjoying Big Brother, its addictive!
I'm actually following BBFAn76's channel on YouTube, he seems to have the most organized play list and season 13 is on there too in case you wanna start watching it, Danielle Donato is on there again this season and I think she's going for the win on account of her father Evil Dick winning season 8..
This Season 13 though I'm rooting for Jeff and Jordan, my favorite couple.

Jeff is a FOX!!
So even though I love Dani, she better leave Jeff alone lol!
Its on tonight and he's up on the chopping block, hope he stays.
Well I'm back down to 108.4 today, not too bad and I'm not feeling dizzy.
Last night I ate a piece of Chicken breast, I felt horrible as it took ts toll digesting at a leisurely pace, my husband spent half the night rubbing my stomach and back as oddly enough I got cold sweat and a massive headache?
I'm lucky it didn't do damage and make me gain, I'm going for a great long workout today anyways.
My sweet Boy is at work and sneaking texts when he can, I'll head to bed early today if I can.
So I'm feeling better and have taken Bikini pic to show you all..I can't wait till its sunny again and I can go to the beach and fix this dumb tan of mines. I think I look fat, but of course my perception is obscued as usual. I don't know if i'll ever truly love this body of mines, I always feel like there's more work to do perfeting it, I don't know what exactly but maybe one day I'll just accept it and stop this altogether..

So that's it, I'm off to get the workout started..
I hope you all are well and keep fighting the good fight. Let's reach those goals whatever they may be.
Bye all, love you guys!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


Monday was my appointment with Dr. Jerkoff.
I woke up late and fighting a huge headache already.
In the bathroom and I stare at my naked body in the mirror for what seems like hours, the scale is tucked behind the bathroom sink, I told myself I would not weigh today no matter what, the curiosity is killing me but I manage to resist. I shower and scrub my body profusely until my flesh is bright pink.
My face suffers the worst of this OCD of mines, lately the stress rash has been sticking around, and now an old and nasty behavior which I may bring up with my shrink..
Ladies and Gents I'm a "picker."
What the heck is that you say?
Well in the most of stressful situations I pick at my skin, any bumps on my arms, or face, I pick until it bleeds, until I feel satisfaction. It makes me feel better sometimes..
My face looks really bad, the left side has been getting the brunt of it all this week..
Come to think of it, my left arm takes it too, hmm wonder why always the left?
I think I may need to mention this with my shrink, I can't seem to stop myself lately, this behavior is lingering longer than usual..
I haven't dyed my roots yet, the unopened bleaching kit sits in the bathroom.
I haven't shaved my legs either, or even attempted a mani/pedi, I've given up on my appearance kinda. Not that it was so grad before, I guess the depression has taken a weird turn, evolved maybe?
The housework gets done, late, very late.
I don't even cook anymore, definitely no baking. I spend my days crying and sleeping or just exclusively talking to The Boy.
My sweet Boy, I'm crazy about him, he brings me both Joy and Sadness.
Joy because he is sincere and honest, I never have to question how he feels about me because he tells me all the time, he makes himself available to me all day long. He makes me feel desired and hopeful. I only wish we lived closer, that's the sadness, the great divide of ours. I'm trying not to rush anything and just let things work themselves out.
I figure if its meant to be somehow it will happen.
Heck Happy Tuesday was like that, we spoke everyday online, phone, cam, for a complete year before finally seeing each other this year and finally sleeping together. So that gives me some kind of hope with The Boy, he is incredibly patient at least and super hopeful.
Speaking of Happy Tuesday, its awkward between us now, we hardly speak anymore, its civil when we do and not even PG-13, total G rating at best!
My feelings for him have diminished considerably, I'm glad for that, I'm too smitten with The Boy, he gives me butterflies, Happy Tuesday never did that to me before.
When I think of The Boy I don't imagine the ED too, I actually picture the opposite, I imagine no Eating Disorder, I picture a normal existence. I want that so bad, I hope and pray that it will happen for me one day.
No weight check on Monday at all so far, last known *deep sigh* 108.9
I feel okay with that weight, as long as I can yo-yo enough to not go under 100 or over 115 even, I'm okay.
115lbs, I've told myself that is an acceptable weight, its okay and I won't go ape shit if I was ever to reach that weight.
I need to coax myself into what "normal" is, its the only way the ED won't kill me. Its the only way I can fight back and regain some kind of life.
My car is not ready and so my husband drops me off to the Dr.s,
I make the mistake of taking a whole Clonazepam instead of a half with my Wellbutrin. In the waiting room , I feel incredibly sleepy, the yawning never ceases.
I don't like the drowsy feeling, I haven't eaten all day and its already noon, I'm starving and thirsty.
Well I have no choice, my arch nemesis The Empanada Man makes an appearance and I give in, I buy bottled water and a Chicken Empanada.

The evil pastry tastes amazing, I eat it slowly and don't care who is staring at me, incredibly enough the food does the trick and  the sleepy feeling leaves me some.
Finally I'm called and I dread what's to come.
Dr. Jerkoff starts to ask me how I've been, I proceed to tell him about the new Depression and that I think upping my dosage may help me some.
This asshole begins to scold me about Medication and how its not a magic cure (NO SHIT Sherlock), I can only stare at this idiot with glazed over eyes.
Then it gets worse, he begins to tell me that I need to cheer up and blah blah blah, the same shit, the nerve of this dickhead, he knows nothing of my case, why I'm depressed, I wish he would just shut up and give me my pills!
Finally he agrees to up my dosage and tells me that I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me, cheer up, go see a concert or go to a disco, I tune him out and shake my head, what a foreskin fool.
Now I need to get a appointment, I will see him again in October.
The office where I head is closed, "Jorge" is gone off to lunch.
I'm in no mood, Dr. Jerkoff left me feeling awful, he makes me feel like the depression is my fault, like I chose to be this way. I just want to go home an get under the covers.

I wait for thirty minutes before my appointment card is finally given to me.
Outside its raining, good, that makes me somewhat happy.

After I'm picked up, I head straight to CVS, and get this, my new upped dosage prescription cannot be filled, I can pick it up at the end of August.
Well because my Wellbutrin was just filled last week so I can't have too many pills apparently.
I feel depressed but am unable to do anything about it except endure.
It's my sister's birthday today also, great more fuel for the fire.
I can't wish her a happy birthday, we're still on non speaking terms.
The rest of the day is spent being forced to cook and watching movies. The Boy is at work and chats with me on his break.
I end up in bed at 2am, The Boy too. His last words to me were that he was saving to get his own apartment, he even asked me if I could ever see us living together. I said sure. Doesn't hurt to imagine. I sleep with a smile on my face picturing what that could be like.

Tuesday now and no shrink today, my lovely therapist took Monday and Tuesday off to get her Back To School shopping done. She told me that I could see her sometime this week if I needed her but I don't so I won't. Instead I see my Case Manager today and the woman makes me cry. All my paperwork for housing is signed and delivered.
In addition to that she brings me and my daughter a large bag full of clothes and toys.
She actually brings me clothes in the smallest size she could find, my husband actually thought that all the clothes in the bag were for my daughter.
I 'm incredibly grateful and thank her to no end.
She blushes and tells me she has to go, more clients to see.
I feel blessed, God always puts people in my way to help.
The Boy if off today and  the car is ready. I head to pick it up and then head to my favorite strip mall to find my Bikini.
Hooray I've found a nice black string one. Maybe sometime this week I'll post a pic.
The day is rainy and I love it.

I'm back home and heating up leftovers for the family. Coffee and sunflower seeds for me, a workout later and then Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef tonight.
More Big Brother later lol.
The Boy says I have a problem, I think not!
Here is my current Thinspo
Danielle Donato from Big Brother season 8 and now she's back on Season 13..
I can't stop staring at her thin frame and wishing that I could look like this.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Depression is Rage spread thin..

I'm sorry I haven't blogged all week, my depression is back and it's really bad, I'm completelyy unbearable to be around..
I'll update Friday..I love you all, stay strong and safe.

New Blog!

https://newtounemployment.blogspot.com/2020/08/do-i-smell.html?m=1 Follow this new installation of my life. Although, I will be back; here i...