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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Negative Nancy

It's Tuesday and I'm exhausted.
I've been on a depressive rollercoaster and I want to get off.

I wake up this morning and I'm actually 15 minutes early to work. I have a coffee, a banana, and half of a bagel. My weight is not good but I haven't gained. The drinking from the night before hasn't affected me. My drunken dreams of me loosing my front tooth are my only memory.
I've heard teeth loss equals death in dreams. Let's hope its just that a dream..

Work is fine, minus the funhouse garage that I dread every morning. Oh and that on September 1, Labor Day I'm not working which means no time and a half, which means one day of missed work and a check that will be just as disappointing as the last one.

I get up and dress for work every morning feeling defeated because my clothes don't fit or I hate that I've gained weight.
I usually dress up in all black.
My preggers pharmacist has asked me why do I dress in black all the time.
I jokingly tell her it's in mourning of a body I once had before I was a mother.
This actually isn't far from the truth. I am in mourning of a body that I had a year ago which has slipped away. A control I had which is gone too. Now I'm just a big fat nobody.

My phone is horrible, my battery is being drained at a rapid rate thanks to the camera malfunction. The camera cuts on at all times and keeps taking pictures.
It's infuriating and I've had enough.
My sister who is constantly upgrading her smartphones for herself and her family tells me to just go online at Tmobile and order a phone, get into a two year contract.
So I try to do just that, the online site is having technical troubles, I can't process my order.
Or at least get into the next step of the process.
No one told me they had to run a credit check, to get a so called 0$ phone..
I get an error code and a 1-800 number pops up, so I now have to call on this phone that drives me mad.
The sales person on the other line has to basically redo my order and take all my information again. When we finally reach that final process again of checking my credit and seeing if I can qualify, the fucking call drops!
I call again and get another rep.
This time we get through it.
So no big surprise, I don't qualify for anything. The rep doing her job was trying to sell me on other phones which would've been fine except it means coming up with money up front and I don't have that, I need to get a phone on credit.
I'm pissed and disappointed most of all.

I should've known the minute they ran my credit this would happen.
My credit is not stellar. The bad thing about still being legally married is that our credit is still tied up.
My ex is currently still acquiring things on credit.

Today as I'm getting out of work, I go to a Tmobile store and the sales rep runs my credit and in person tells me the same shit. I'm embarrassed and finally just succumb to the notion that I just can't have things. I have to just take what I can get. I'm not worthy enough for some things.

Defeated, I head straight home .

I head up to garage and check underneath my car and their is a big brown leak.

Today is one my older brother's birthday so I call him and ask about what the leak could be, he seems to think it's the oil.
Great.

My brother can pass my Sunday and check to see what's going on.
I don't even know if I want to find out what's wrong with this car, I know I need new tires, a radio, air conditioning, and brakes. My brakes are so squeaky it's embarrassing.
Frankly I feel like not driving the car anymore and just walking again everywhere.
A car is a huge expensive responsibility. I'm having trouble making ends meet let alone saving for rainy days such as these.

My daughter apparently needs some sort of Binder now for school.
My ex texts me frantic yesterday not knowing what to do.
He wants us to go together and buy it, I snap and tell him to buy it himself, shit he can.
Idk why it has to be so hard for him to just do important things on his own, I can't do it all, I'm drowning here.

Then today guess what..
I find out something else from my ex.
He tells me he takes her to school and I told you all we have to drop her off on the basketball court, the classes have to form lines and wait for the teacher to go inside.
My ex sticks around and witnesses something awful.
My daughter is being bullied.
There's a girl in her class that's older looking, taller and as my sweet daughter sits on ground, she walks up to my kid and starts counting with her fingers, she gets to four and my daughter stands up and heads to back of the line.
My ex heads to the line and finds out what is happening.
He scolds the bully who counts to five before making kids move to the back of the line.

I feel bad, all I've been doing is just dropping her off and rushing to work, completely oblivious to this.
I have to talk to her tomorrow and let her now this is not ok.
I have a talk with my ex and let him know that he has to put his part in her appearance, he can't send her to school looking bummy and things, all that does is set her up for failure.
I hate the idea of my daughter feeling as defeated as me that she just allows people to walk all over her.
I'd gladly let 1000 people treat me like shit everyday than anyone person in particular even come close to treating her that way.
What can I do? Why is this happening?


I've been bp all day.
If I could take laxatives I would, but alas am too broke to do so.
I managed to work out but who cares as if that does anything to help me. My misshapen figure.
I'm in a horrible place right now, am completely self loathing and feel desperate for money.
I've been thinking all kinds of horrible useless nonsense.
Thinking about a second job, not that I could really apply for one. For example would apply to Mcdonalds or some fast food joint to work on Monday and Tuesday nights. That would be ideal except that idea won't work because let's face it folks, fast food places need people for weekends really. Two night's a week? that's unheard of.
I'd strip if I had a better fit body instead of this flabby one. I've been thinking of being a webcam model, entertaining men's request, and finally just thinking about being an escort. Lord knows I have awful Men hit on me daily.
I should just put myself to use. I know a lot of mom's who unfortunately have had to do this at some point in their life. I don't judge them, being a single parent is hard, and it's harder if all the triumphs and failures are solely reflected on you.

I feel very desperate right now. My daughter needs me, she shouldn't have to pay the price just because her loser mom can't get her life in order.

Forgive me for thinking incredibly ridiculous nonsense.
Time alone does me no good.
I'm my worst enemy.
I may follow though or I may not.
Right now I feel like I could, like I could just do anything because I'm alive but not living.
So that's it, I've had enough to drink, so I think now I can comfortably pass out till 5 am.
I love you all and thanks for reading.








Sunday, August 25, 2013

Blackout


Friday, August 23, 2013

Finally Friday!


Thursday, August 22, 2013

Depessed

I'm tired, slept a few hours before being violently awaken by laxatives at 3am.
Was curled in fetal position in pure pain. Felt like throwing up.
So that was the start to my very long day.
Dozed off from exhaustion at 6am, and alarm is back at 630.
I get up and shower, the usual piercing cleaning goes on, no puss today.
I wake my daughter up from school, who proceeds to put blanket over her on head.
Oh no you don't kid, get up, I'll be late..later than usual for work.
I haven't been eating or sleeping for four days now. As I'm getting ready for work, the smoke alarm goes off?
I don't understand why, I start to fan it vigorously thinking maybe a roach crawled in there setting off the sensor, but its the burning smell that gets my attention. My stove is on and a small pot is burning up.
I remove the pot and open a window.
What just happened?
I don't remember doing this, but it seems at some point after waking up and showering, then getting my kid up, I must've put a pot of water to boil for coffee?
I don't remember for the life of me doing this.
Not eating, sleeping and being bone sad is affecting me horribly. Thank God nothing serious happened but I need to rest soon, suddenly the looming Friday is looking like a Godsend.

My daughter takes a shower and then we get ready and out the door at 8am.
I park far away and we walk the rest of the way. It's my first time taking her to school alone since our first day on Monday. I'm not too sure what to do so I ask my kid.
We wait outside on a giant basketball court and all classrooms wait in lines under hoops.
I find my daughter's line and it's time to say goodbye. I give her a hug and kiss goodbye. Lil Miss B goes and sits on the ground with her other classmates. I don't know why I turned around, but when I did I caught her face so serious, she's wearing her new uniform and glasses and suddenly I have an overwhelming feeling to just cry.
I feel so bad for my kid, I feel so sorry for her.
I want this school year to be better for her, I want us to have a fresh start.
Maybe if I was a better mother, we wouldn't have to keep resetting our lives, if I could just keep my shit together long enough to have roots somewhere.
I wish I could tell you the sadness went away but no. This awful, melancholy stayed with me like my shadow. And just like a shadow, gets larger and smaller, changes depending on the time of day.
I park in the funhouse garage and the elevator door is still busted so have to go down the ramp. I then walk to work and am actually ten minutes give or take early.
I head to Starbucks for coffee and a bagel. It's been four days of fasting, I feel like shit.
I have time to get a couple of sips of coffee in and a bite or two of bagel when oh no, It's five minutes away to 9am.
Where is the time going!?
I rush to work and its the Dragon Lady. Shit.
I punch in and she immediately is asking about today's truck order that I have to put up, about five or so boxes of pills.
She needs to dispense a controlled substance and I have to get the crate and then look at the manifest and sign it agreeing that all controls were accounted for. I do finally and she's happy.
I'm busy all day making calls, putting up the order, and doing tons of production.
Dragon lady isn't so bad today. I think she's trying.
The other tech gets there and then it's almost time for me to go home. The dreaded walk back am hating funhouse garage but as I'm turning the corner, some man is opening front door so I flag him down and tell him to hold the door, yes!
I can head straight upstairs and fetch my car.
I make it home in record time and arrive to a messy house.
The cats have pissed the bathroom carpet and puked on my daughter's comforter, there's black cat hair everywhere too. Omg am so mad. Damn animals trying to make me be domestic when I clearly have no desire to do so right now.
These furry little assholes, If there's any hair shedding, pissing on rugs and puking it's gon be me, I'm the only one allowed to do these things.
I need new roommates.

I need to clean and cook but that requires leaving the house.
Ugh fine.
I head back to get food, cat litter and some cleaner that smells like pine.
When I get back home I throw meat in messy sink, put up refridgerated items and drop shoes and rest of bags on floor before crawling into bed and doing nothing most of the day until it's time to get my daughter from school.
When I pick her up at 3pm sharp, its so hot out.
I don't see her teacher yet, it's going on 3:15 and still no sign.
I call my ex to ask am I at right spot?
He says well since you got there late they take em back to classrooms, I tell him I'm not late, I came right on time. I hate how just assumes it's always something I'm doing.
There's a small group of parents and they all are waiting for my daughter's teacher. So this is a reoccurring thing then, the tardiness.
Finally my daughter's class arrives and I grab her and go.
We head home and I start dinner. Then proceed to binge/purge it.
I'm super drained form purging and lay my dizzy flat ass down in the bed and do nothing.
Haven't cleaned or showered or anything. I feel so depressed, I just don't care about anything right now, especially myself.
I manage to drag myself outta bed to help kid with homework, I'm getting upset because she's doing her Math. I did one math problem for her explaining thoroughly how I did it so she can continue on with other problems but she's not even trying or paying attention. Ugh just wanna yell and slam books on tables and clap my hands and say Fucking Wake Up!
I don't of course just go over the same nonsense again hoping it sticks in that head of hers.
We're all done with homework and now it's time to dig in her backpack for dreaded notes.
My daughter has classroom jobs. Each student fills out a "job application" for the position they like.
There's such prestigious positions as "Line Leader, Librarian, Custodian, Treasurer, Attendance Taker, Chalkboard Cleaner, Pencil Sharpener.." etc.
My kid wants to be librarian, so we fill out her job application. Hopefully she will land it!
So that's all for now chugged some Zquil but feel nothing yet, I swear I have roach in me.
Just become immune to things.

Anyways Goodnight lovelies.
Managed to email my friend the rest of novel..so now we wait.






Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Omg it's only Wednesday!?

Sleep eludes me.
It's like a really hot woman, and I'm a broke virgin with no ways to land her.
Sometimes I think my internal clock runs on another time zone. Maybe I'm on UK time?
I just get really sleepy when dawn arrives, not at night like the rest of the yanks.
It's taking its toll on me.
I finally manage some rest early in the am and dream of my boyfriend, and softball sized red ladybugs?
What does this all mean?
I get up finally and it's raining outside which just makes me more sleepy.
I shower and do the usual cleaning of my piercing.
Once I'm out the shower, I clean piercing further with a qtip, have to get under my earlobes and get all that dried up gunk out.
Holy shit, as I'm manipulating piercing, I have a little dab of puss!
Oh no, I'm scared, is my piercing infected?
I text my niece who is my piercing buddy, we actually text each other ear puns all day, so I give her notice that my ear may be infected and well on it's way to falling off. I really need to finish my novel before my ear falls off, I can't say I actually cut it off for my art ala Vincent Van gogh, if it falls off before then.
She tells me that she had a little bit too and that she read that it sometimes a part of healing process and as long as it's not green or yellow, it's ok.
Well my puss was very opaque, so I may still be in the ear..er I mean clear.
I continue to get ready for work.
I actually think I'm making good time until I get in my shakey car and drive.
There is traffic and construction all over the place.
Bollocks!
I park in the funhouse garage and then book it to work.
I have no time for coffee yet.
I get to work and I'm with preggers who's on a phonecall so she hasn't said Hi to me yet.
I love that she says Hi, unlike stick in the ass who would never acknowledge me.
I punch in, get my credentials, boot up computers and then answer a phonecall.
Ugh it's a sales rep for the drug Nexium.
She handed out discount cards on the medication and was doing a follow up.
I got stuck talking to her for five minutes about Nexuim. Blah super boring. She was a peppy morning person and I just wanted to just interrupt her and tell her to tone it down, we're still trying to wake up on this end.
I was polite enough.
I head to production and my pharmacist is all done with her phonecall, she gives me a proper goodmorning and all is well again.
I actually get through three pages of filling prescriptions rather quickly today, then the next hour drags but I do what I can.
There's some man who walks in and is mumbling to me, the pharmacist gets involved and this guy is asking if he can have a needle or buy one. He obviously can't, you need a script for that.
His thin frame, pasty complexion and long sleeves scream I am a heroin addict.
It's only 11am, shit he wants to get high.
The next customer is some tourist who is asking what do we recommend for appendix pain, is there a cream or pill for that?
I tell her no sweetie, you need to go to Dr. there is no cure for appendicitis only removal, and hurry cos if it ruptures yikes!
She says she's on Holiday and doesn't want to waste her time in a hospital.
I swear some people are buffoons.
I'm in the wrong line of work.

When the other tech comes in, we have to tackle the schedule.
I was dreading this because I don't think I can work Thursday nights.
But apparently, it's not so dire and my schedule can remain the same.
The pharmacist was asking if I could come in at 8am from now on, but unfortunately cannot because have to drop my daughter off at school.
 When my shift is done, I head back to the garage, as I'm turning the corner am bombarded by a group of college kids who are trying to get me to donate money to Refugees from Syria, children mostly.
I tell the guy, I'm sorry I have no cash on me and he gets super excited. He pulls out an Ipad and has a form with a debit or credit card info collector.
I say I can't donate a thing right now. He actually asks me "Why can't you, What's stopping you today?"
 I tell him, listen I have my own kid to take care of here in the states and I've just gone broke with school supplies and uniforms.
He smiles and says "Oh, oh okay, totally understandable!"
That's right its understandable college boy! I'm sure your PARENTS paying your overblown tuition feel the same way paying your educational pursuit, whilst you're standing around on a street corner on a Wednesday afternoon panhandling money for a far away cause that frankly I have never heard of. Go to class and learn something!
Wow, college at it's best.
Your poor parents, and poor me, leave me alone am trying to make rent right now and groceries and talk out of a broken smartphone that needs replacing so bad.
I'd give my possibly infected right ear now for a semi decent smartphone.
Anyways..
I head back to the garage and push intercom box and wait for someone to let me in so I can go home, my feet hurt.
Five whole minutes go by and nothing.
I see some delivery guy and flag him down to open door for me, the fucker actually keeps going!
Omigosh who does that!
I would never be so impolite.
What is wrong with some people. Finally some sweet woman lets me in and I'm so grateful. I drive home and do nothing.
My house is a bloody mess, it's really just let itself go.
I don't clean when I'm depressed, garbage pails are overflowing, kitty litter box reeks, dishes and things are in the sink, clothes are everywhere.
I'm really gross right now.
I just don't want to do anything.
All I've been doing is just watching the whole downloaded series of Big Love on my laptop and wishing I was a polygamist or in a polyandry relationship so someone else can pitch in and care for me.
I want sisterwives or at least be living with two husbands.
I don't mind sharing. Someone else babysit and work for me and clean up so I can sleep.
I have a huge heart, I can love more than one person. I have a man's libido anyways so this all works out!


My daughter gets dropped off and she's okay, she had a good third day at school. Tomorrow I drop her off and head back to work.
I wish it was Friday already, I want to drink. Like really drink.
It's all I wish I could do now is just drink all day, and write or just drink and sleep.

I'm tired all over.
I have to email my friend the remaining chapters of the book I have no idea how to do this.

All I've had is coffee, I don't know what to eat?
I have no desire for food right now.
So that's all folks.
Talk to you again real soon.






Tuesday


Monday, August 19, 2013

Back to Reality

I've been awake all night, I actually started drinking last night around 8 o'clock and passed out until 11pm.
The drinking didn't help anything, I just cried myself to sleep.
When I got up my phone was full of missed calls and texts. I couldn't talk to anyone. I've just been too sad. Too much on my mind and so I stayed awake all night until 5am where I drifted off to sleep only to be awaken again at 6am.
I woke up sick from booze and laxatives. My eyes were swollen, I looked frightening.
I rubbed Preparation H all over my eyes in hopes that the swelling would go down. I shower with hot water and cry some more. My ear is swollen today, looks bruised even, I clean it and am able to manipulate the bar more.
I start to get dressed. It's the first day of school and I'm not ready. I'm anxious and sick.
I come out the shower and dry, I weigh myself and have lost a pound.
I get ready for work, drying my hair that's longer and isn't falling out as much, thank God for small favors.
I stare at my misshapen naked body and sigh heavily. I'm trapped in this body that feels alien to me.
Ed is loud today in his drill sergeant voice. "Well Girlie, don't go all soft today, we have to fast. You can do this."
Yes sir.

I dress in whatever I can find, geesh you wanna know something...
I can't even recall what I wore today, if it wasn't for a bad picture taken with daughter by my ex, I still would have no clue what I wore today. I'm mentally spent.
I blast my Ipod.
I currently have three songs on repeat...
1) Monsta's "Holding On" with it's lyrics
"Broken footsteps on the floor,
Pick myself up and carry on, cause somethings waiting for me,
And I wont let them write my soul,
Keep my direction and soon I'll be turned to gold.
A king without a throne, a heart without a home,
Just cards that I've been dealt in life,
I'll walk the road alone, but my hope will never die.."
and it's Chorus:
 "I keep holdin' on
I keep, I keep, I keep holdin!
I keep holdin' on"

2)Birdy Nam Nam's "Goin In" with it's lyrics "I'm going wild for the night, fuck being Polite!" screaming at me.

3) Jay Z's "Holy Grail" that just is the epitome of how I feel.
It's lyrics and hooks are too relatable:
(Hook 1)
"You'd take the clothes off my back and I'd let you
You'd steal the food right out my mouth and I'd watch you eat it
I still don’t know why, why I love you so much, ohh
You curse my name, in spite to put me to shame
Have my laundry in the streets, dirty or clean, give it up for fame
But I still don't know why, why I love it so much.."
(Hook 2)
"And baby, it's amazing I'm in this maze with you
I just can't crack your code
One day you screaming you love me loud
The next day you're so cold
One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care
You're so unfair, sipping from your cup 'til it runneth over, Holy Grail"

But my all time favorite part of the whole song..is this line.
"You still alive, still that nigga
Nigga you survived, you still getting bigger nigga" I fucking love this part.
That's right, one thing I know how to do is survive, it's my Superpower, and it's just as good as Invisibility, or Super Strength.

Anyways.
After I'm dressed, my ex calls to tell me he's outside, my daughter is wearing her brand new uniform and I have to just comb her hair and put my shoes on so we can leave. She looks nervous.
We head out to her school and it's gridlock. We actually have to park far away from her school and walk the remainding way.
I'm void of feeling and have a blank stare on. My ex on the other hand is a ball of nerves. When he's nervous he's annoying.
Omg he was a total jerk today.
My daughter is nervous, it's a new school, no friends, new surroundings, teachers. I remember crying heading out to school when I was her age, so I knew how she felt.
We are told to go to the cafeteria to get her classroom info. My ex is being annoying by reprimanding my daughter for being extra clingy. I know she's scared because she keeps hugging me and burring her face in my stomach. She looks very shy and like she wants to cry. I wish my ex would just chill out because I don't want my daughter to cry. I want her to be okay, I'm the cry baby in our little family not her.
My ex is acting like a jerk, complaining of people skipping us in line and the fact that it's getting so late. It's 8:30 and I'm going to be late for work, my ex is complaining like he's late too, when all I know he wants to do is take his hungover ass back to sleep.
Her classroom is on the second floor, there's a main staircase that gets bombarded the minute we're allowed to go up there, I get separated from my kid and ex at some point, I see my daughter looking back and telling her dad "Mommy, wait for Mommy."
He doesn't care. He keeps dragging her forward.
I'm even apologizing for him because he cut ahead of other people.
Once upstairs I have an idea of where her classroom is, he tells me I'm wrong, then says ask somebody.
I shake my head and the anger builds up inside of me. I want to just blow up on this man, but I don't the weak part of me just internalizes the problem.
I say a little prayer, patience Lord!
He finds another staff member then has the nerve to shout "Go ahead ask her!" and by asking he means shoving me forward. I tell him no YOU ask her shit.
He does finally and guess where the classroom was, right the fuck where I said it was.
We're in line to meet her teacher who's this short black woman named Ms. Smith. She's very polite, my ex curses under his breath as other parents skip us.
I finally am in front of new teacher and reach out to shake her hand.
"Good Morning Ms. Smith, I'm Lou and this my daughter Brenee."
All is well again as manners prevail. Honestly I don't understand some people.
Anyways the first day of school is done and I drive to work and park in the dreaded funhouse garage. I don't wear a splint today, my arm is much better. I run my ass to work and my face falls as I have to work with Dragon Lady who is trying to be more polite, but she still has her asshole moments.
I've been so quiet today at work, I think I've said no more than 30 words to anyone not counting phonecalls.
I punch out at noon and head home, I'm tired and want to rest but no have to run some errands first, I don't do the Mental Health Clinic today, there is no time.
Around 3:15 my ex calls me all hysterical because they've sent my daughter home with paperwork. To myself, I'm like calm the fuck down.
I sigh and suggest he come over so I can fill them out since this man is effing hopeless.
I hear all about my daughter's first day and it's okay.
We all got through the day.
I'm super sad and have actually spoken to my boyfriend who apologized, but I tell him I need the rest of the week to just sit on things and think. He was very disrespectful and verbally abusive to me, so much so it made me feel like those moments in my marriage where I felt like an utter piece of shit. Where I'd rather just die than be stuck with someone that's so mean. I don't ever want to feel like that again, I've struggled to rebuild my life and move forward, I don't want to back peddle anymore.
I need time to just focus on my daughter and her intro into this new school year.
I can't forgive him now or even hear his voice without recalling angry disgusting voicemails. I need time to think. To reset.
So that's it.

Ed-wise, Day 2 no food or drink. I'm too sad to eat, frankly I don't care anymore.
I won't always feel like this but so far, it is what it is.

Oh..
My friend read some of my book last night and had to text me, so far she's said "It's Riveting."
!!!!
I'm excited for further book reviews.
So that's it for now. Hope you all have had a lovely day and forgive me for the silence on my part, am just emotionally stunted right now and feeling all kinds of miserable.
I'll bounce back, but not just yet. I'll be okay, I'm just trying to pay my bills and keep this roof over our heads. I'd love a phone right now, my cell is horrible, any second will just crash and burn.

I love you all.
Talk again real soon.



Sunday, August 18, 2013

The calm before the storm

My boyfriend and I have broken up.
We had a huge argument and now I think things are just so outta hand, so much was said, this may be the end.
I love this man like you wouldn't believe, but I have a lot on my plate these days, I have too much and well, if he's not meant to be than who am I to go against the bigger cosmic plan that's out there for me.
I wish him the best and hope he has a lovely life whatever that may be.


It's my daughter's first day of school tomorrow and I just have to focus on that and work. I'm excited and nervous for her to start. I'm going to wake up in the morning and get ready for work, my ex is bringing my daughter over and I'll get her ready for school. We'll then go together to her new school and start the Monday morning. I'm still missing a few details with school supplies and uniform issues but I'm sure I'll get it sorted throughout the week. I pick up her new eyeglasses on Tuesday.
I think I'm more nervous than my daughter but, I'm also very excited for her, I feel like this school year is a much needed second chance...for us both. I'm going to do my hardest to push her and make sure she excels and fits in.
I thank God for this chance, I'm happy for new beginnings.


I spent the day with my kid's Godmother today wrapping up her back to school shopping. It was nice being around family today because I needed it.
We were in Walmart and my boyfriend was sending me unpleasant texts. I tried my best not to cry in front of anyone but you know how that goes. I kept getting stared at by people in Walmart who had no business staring on account of their wardrobe choices!When your heart breaks, there's no consoling you.
Thank God for my friend, my sister from another mister, she was there for me and had reassuring words, lol she even gave me a hug in the cereal aisle and she's not the hugging kind, but I appreciated the gesture although I must say we hugged in an awkward angle and she got my piercing...OUCH!!!
I love this girl so much.
We've been talking about moving in together since we all are having financial issues, honestly, I think I want to. We wouldn't live in Miami though, we are thinking of moving out of Florida altogether. I'll see her more this week so we can discuss further.
It would be nice to be around people, I've known her since I was nine years old. She's family and I need to be around people who truly know me and love me regardless.

She wasn't able to read the novel on account of how late she got home yesterday. I was nervous awaiting her reaction to my novel.
She's going to actually do me a solid and print out remanding five chapters of my novel for me from her job. That's great because Ink is so expensive.
She has a job opportunity for me in sales, I see her again this week so we'll try our best to venture forward, lord knows I need the money right now.
My child support and petty checks aren't cutting it, I actually need a new cellphone. I can't afford the latest smartphones or get one and sign up for a two year contract and bill. Anyone have a spare disconnected phone they'd like to donate??
Doesn't have to be an Iphone, but something that has internet and a camera at least since I have no cable or internet anymore, got home and my service was gone.
 I'm actually blogging from my phone. No more Vlogs folks. Looks like I'll be writing whether I like it or not.
Maybe this is God's way of making me write more, pushing me to finish my novel soon.
I can't wait to be done with it. I'm so excited for the ending.
I just want to publish it in any way I can and see if it will touch anyone out there.
Am I really any good or have I just been fooling myself all this time?

I haven't eaten anything all day and have binged on nothing but laxatives all day.
The one good thing about me being sad is that I don't eat so looks like I'll be losing weight.
My friend's worry for me is just that, she's seen the better of me these past few months and then she's one of the few who's seen me at my lowest scariest weight ever.
I'm just not hungry. I feel powerful not eating at all, I haven't even had anything to drink all day.
I feel sad but ED-WISE, I'm bloody brilliant right now.

I'm going to text a triggering friend tomorrow who's been doing awful, she's bad news but the way I feel right now, I could use her in my ear all day.
I've missed her. I've missed losing weight. I welcome it sadly. It's the one thing I know can cheer me up instantly. I don't wanna feel heartbroken. I want to feel better.

My ex stuck around for a bit when he picked up my kid, the distraught look on my face was too apparent. I think after I get out of work tomorrow I'll drive over to my old Mental Health Clinic and talk to someone about getting back into therapy. Find out exactly how dire my insurance woes are.
Now that I'm no longer in a relationship, I need third party intervention, I just need someone to listen since the one person who did, is no longer there.
Maybe they can help me, maybe they can't.
I just don't know.
I just don't wanna get all suicidal again.
I can't do that again.
I want meds, I want to feel nothing.

Its so boring and quiet in my house now. I miss my kid. I'll be on my own for the next few days and I welcome Ed back home.
My friend told me about an extra shift I can pick up on floating, maybe I'll take her up on that. Be as distracted as possible, consumed by everything else around me in hopes to miss meals and feel less heartbroken.
I wish it was a year later and I have moved on to that next phase of my life whatever it is.
So that's it for today.
I'll let you know how tomorrow turns out.
I've missed being on here, talking to you all.
I may disappoint some of you but go easy on me am not perfect, I have tons in my head, Depression, Ed, now really Single Mother, anxiety and neurosis. I'm trying to make ends meet here folks.
This is the best that I can do.
I love you all, take care and we'll talk again soon.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Mallrats




Follow my friend, support new Blogger Leo and her new Blog Life's Curve Balls!!!

glasses n bars


glasses n bars


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Ouch!


Sunday, August 11, 2013

Sunday


Size


Saturday, August 10, 2013

Super Lou to the Rescue!!

Okay first off want to Welcome Leo to Blogger!
Let's show support to my lil Sis and her new Blog "Life's Curve Balls""
I hope its a huge success to her and she can find as many amazing people as I have been blessed to know. I love you all, in the four years of being on Blogger I have met so many wonderful souls, I feel unworthy. You all have made such huge impressions on me with your stories and your friendships, I wouldn't be so strong without any of you. You guys have never abandoned me or left me for a single second unlike so many others who have sworn their loyalty to me and my friendship.
Ever since I came out with my story you all have stuck by me...THANK YOU for that.
I know what true loyalty is thanks to you.
I hope to keep growing on here and being able to impact you as much as you have to me.

Secondly I am posting today's Vlog plus one of my first Vlogs with the Turtle saving story lol.
I haven't watched this Vlog since I first uploaded it.
Let me tell you that it makes me both happy and oh so very SAD.
Happy because I have come a long way and sad because I was so so sick with Anorexia.
I can recall being that sick and being so alone, no one really cared enough to tell me to stop, I had the opposite, I had too much encouragement to keep going or "be strong."

I've grown since then because as much as I wanted that too, I've cut a lot of people out of my life. I still don't know how they are doing with their own struggles, but for me to still be alive today it was necessary.

I come first, even on most days when I really feel otherwise.
I'm very sad now, because in my deepest heart of hearts, God forgive me, I want to weigh 80lbs again.
Am I a bad person for wanting this?

I feel like I am.
I'm shit.
I'm so blessed, why can't I see that?

To all the readers, hang in there with me, I'm not perfect.
I'm trying.
I'll share my failures, and my little triumphs.

Thank You for reading.


So here's the link to my bestie's blog : http://carlight0801.blogspot.com/

 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

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