Sunday, December 30, 2012

If That's Alright With You

♫ Don't try to love me cus I can't be won, counting on myself I can't rely on noone else..♫

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Thursday, December 20, 2012

There’s a you-shaped ache in me..

I like to think that somewhere
out there, on a planet exactly like
ours, two people exactly like you
and me made totally different
choices and that, somewhere,
we’re still together.

That’s enough for me.

It's over

Broke things off with my boyfriend of 8months last night.
I don't even remember much of what happened to be honest, I was really drunk and triggered, In any case I take full responsibility for our parting of ways.
He's better off,
I'm sure this would've happened later on anyways.
Well now what to do?
I'm gonna do whatever I want now.
There's no more worrying about someone else.

Some of you may not like my next statement, sorry truly.

I'm going to focus solely on my Eating Disorder..

First things first, GW #1:100lbs
GW#2: 90lbs
GW#3: 80lbs

Current weight as of today..114lbs (yuk)
Goodbye Fat, this will be the last time I'll ever be at that number again.

I'll be googling Diet Pills and hitting GNC later.
I've binged on laxatives, have a giant bottle of Water Pills too.

Just me and Ed like old times.
I won't stop till my ribcage and hip bones protrude.

I'll make my own happiness, I'll never let someone else define that feeling for me ever again.

Goodbye everybody,
Talk to you all real soon.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I'm tired.
Lord help me I want to bp.
I'm absolutely disgusted with myself.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Shit or get off the Pot


I'm tired of eating nothing, drinking Meal Replacement Shakes..

Why am I conflicted?
Why do I feel so bad thinking about leaving this all behind, changing, becoming a better person?
Why is Eating such a hassle.
One day I'm okay, most days I'm not.

I want to gain weight, I want to eat again. Sit at a table and chew and digest food.
Why is that so hard?

Maybe I'm fighting against my true Nature.
Is this how Monsters feel when they know how they live is wrong, when they listen to that small voice that tells them to rebel against themselves.

I'm really tired of fighting guys.
I'm tired of trying to do the right thing and made to feel guilty and less of a human being for thinking otherwise.

What's wrong with me.
Why do I want to lose weight and not Stop.
Why does it bring me joy even if just fleeting.

I'm not well.
I don't want things like everyone else.
I don't want to fit in jeans that are more than a size 0 or jiggle in  certain places, I don't want to "fill out."

I feel selfish and sick thinking this way.

I'm prepared for Solace, for a life where everyone gets fed up with me and turns away.
I'm ready, I've always been ready because deep down everyone leaves.

I am sorry.

I'm sorry I don't fight more, I don't want recovery more than Starvation.
I'm not Perfect, I'm not well.

My Insurance is non existent, I have an appointment soon to see my Dr. and get more meds, I'm thinking of asking the Clinic to reassign me my old Therapist since she works with clients with no Insurance, maybe they can help me get her back.
This time I'll be honest and tell her about Ed, tell her I need help.
I need someone to listen to me, to fix me.

This is all wishful thinking, maybe they can't or she's unavailable or who knows what.
I just wish I could be really honest with someone.
I wish there was one person in this world who could just listen and not judge me or have hidden agendas.
I've noticed lots of people who want things from me, or want me in a certain light.
I'm a person not a project.
You can't fix me if you're flawed yourself.

The old shrink thing is my last resort, my attempt.

Dr.'s can't do shit for me, what I have is all in my head.

I'm tired of wearing my pain on the outside.

I'm tired of feeling empty.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


I skipped work on Monday.
I just felt too sick to go in, my period is on and boy is it ON!
You'd think I was a victim of a Shark Attack or something.
I was too tired Monday, sleepy, cramps, not ready to be on my feet for 11hrs straight.
In all honesty I was not emotional ready either. Depression has me avoiding things.
I stayed home after calling in which was fine with my Managers. I slept some of the day.
Tuesday I was still not ready for work so I left early. I had too many asshole customers that day. Had one bitch in particular talk down to me like I was an idiot, she even raised her voice at me which made me snap like a dog and yell right back at her, demanding respect. I'm a person, just because I'm serving you doesn't make me less of a human being. I'm nice and all but don't get it twisted, I wasn't always this way and I have little hints of that former Lou every once and awhile..she's still in there.

Today, Wednesday was the better day.
I had no incidents with uptight customers at all and I even bought my coworkers Donuts for breakfast. I felt better overall.
I brought my co worker's Secret Santa gift and to my lovely surprise, she had my name too :)
I baked her an Oreo cookie cake and she and I exchanged gifts. I can't go to the party on Saturday so this was the next best thing.
She decided to torture me and not open my present yet.
Her gift was lovely, Hello Kitty swag..
I've been having two good days with ED.
He's been very quiet.
As a matter of fact was highly thinking about gaining weight for a change if you can believe that.
Will this last I don't know.

I'm tired.
I'll workout tomorrow and hopefully continue to be behavior free for a bit.
My sister is coming Saturday to visit. It's her Goddaughter's birthday and I'm invited to the Party.

The Ex and I are on speaking terms so far.
No drama there..yet.

I want to say Thank You to the sweet Sarah who has continued to be an Angel.
She's gone above and beyond as a friend this week.

I've started a Nip/Tuck marathon on Netflix.
I will even try to write this weekend. I miss my Novel.

I'll also be mailing XMas cards soon.
For those who'd like a card who's address I don't have DM me on Twitter @ladikaat69
or friend me on FB.

I hope you all are well, I'll write back soon, deff Vlogging this weekend kay guys.
I haven't shown my mug on here cus been feeling very ugly these days.
My nonexistent self esteem is at an all time low.
Idk if it's the weight loss and all the comments that have me down..
It's hard to like that person in the mirror.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Still here

Yes, no Vlog this weekend.
I'm deciding to write more, if I can find time for it that is..
Time is something I've become all too aware of lately.

I'm experiencing withdrawals of being without medication.
It sucks let me tell you, not so much for me, but for my loved ones.

Once again I'm back to that place where I can't be tolerated for too long, and once again I'm being given "lines."
Those feel better, cheer up lines, those things people say when there is that awkward silence of misunderstanding.

I'm not well obviously, but it doesn't make me less aware of what's happening to me.
I know I've become more negative than I'd like, I can't help that.
Medication suppresses everything, until now.
Now I'm simply saying whatever I please without thinking about it first.

I've been prone lately to random outburst, the uncontrollable crying has started up again, the hopelessness, the wanting to be alone to suffer.
I've been pushing people away.
No one is spared.

I'm sorry if you're one of the unlucky ones who will come to feel this or have felt this already. I don't mean to behave this way but it's hardwired in me and I don't know how to change that.

In a sense its liberating, to not care about things as much as I used to,
To look towards a future and imagine only me and no one else to be a witness to my demise.

Living that way of course is selfish.
To think that what you do and the manner in which you chose to do things won't affect others because they do.

My Eating Disorder is front row and center to my decline. I've lost weight and I wish I could say that doesn't secretly please me. That it doesn't make me feel like finally something is going my way.
On Thursday I took laxatives after bp.
I didn't take too many but I had an adverse effect to them.
I felt sick the whole night and had no one by my side to call or turn to.
The bottle of pills usually hidden in my home somewhere because my boyfriend has threatened to throw them away if he finds them, sat on the counter. A huge part of me wished to throw them away, but I didn't.
By some miracle I got a call back from the numerous calls I made in fear I was Overdosing.
My boyfriend groggily returned my call.
I confessed my recent drama and he responded with the same "when are you going to stop this.."
I survived the night but barely.

I usually see my boyfriend on Fridays, not all of Friday he comes after 3pm and leaves the next day around that time too.
It never feels like enough to me.
Although I love him dearly, sometimes a part of me hates how vulnerable I've allowed myself to become again for another person.
In typical fashion when he told me he wasn't coming to see me, I tried to break it off with him.
I told him I had too much on my plate right now and something had to give.
Unannounced to me, he showed up anyways as a surprise, thinking it was a funny joke to make me think he wasn't coming over.
When he's around things seem to hurt less.
That safe feeling is addictive.

Now he's gone back home, and my kid with her dad.
The apartment is empty and it's just me and the cats.

I work 11hrs again this week and all I can do is be sad once again and hate everything and everyone.
All I've done these days is decline in my health as I've continued to take laxatives and not eat and just bp.

My ex calls me an hour after picking up my daughter to bitch at me about her appearance.
I washed clothes at the last minute because I've been so weak today I've slept half of the day away.
My uniform and hers still warm from the dryer when he calls to come and pick her up for the week.
My daughter's hair is disheveled and she is full of dirt and smells of food from lunch earlier. I haven't had time to even put the laundry away yet let alone give her or myself a shower for the night.
My ex seems to think as usual that I'm a horrible mother who has her kid as he says and I quote "Abandoned."
I despise that I have to deal with this man still but there you have it.

I'm really stressed out.
I can't begin to even explain what really goes on in my head, what I truly feel right now.
My insecurities from a job I have no idea how to properly do, my hatred of my body, this sickness that demands more than I know how to give it..this sadness from missing a man I love and can only see once a week if I'm lucky because of our schedules, my loneliness in general, being isolated in this house, no friends or means to leave or nowhere to go if I could..and worse off this Depression that wills me to be still and do nothing, to give up.

All of these feelings internalized, wrapped up in a pretty box tucked under my bed or put away in a closet somewhere.

I've been craving tattoos lately, the taste of the needle piercing my skin, that look upon the artist face as he tells me this may hurt and it never does.
I miss the pain of the needle cutting into my flesh. I miss the mutilation.

I've started digging into my skin again looking for things that aren't really there. Wearing my pain on the outside again.

I work with a Pharmacist tomorrow who always has an inappropriate joke to say about Eating Disorders..
Last week it was the Store's occupied bathroom and a customer who had to go, he very lightheartedly tells the customer. "It's some girl in there taking too long, I'm sure she's just throwing up or something."
Minutes later a very skinny woman emerges and I can't help but feel so ashamed of my illness.
To feel like I will be forever ridiculed of Anorexia/Bulimia.

The duality is still in me, the part that fights and the part that doesn't want to.
What am I fighting for again?
I forget.

I'm unhappy to gain and happier to lose.
I've not reached my potential Ed says with a smile.

Life is choices and I'm unsure of the right ones.
What is right anymore.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Day off

Oh shit am I tired.

So work has been awful this week, I've had my ass handed to me on numerous occasions by colorful customers.
Geesh people without their meds are scary.

There's a Work Christmas Party on Saturday December 15th.
We're to exchange Secret Santa gifts amongst each other.
I can't go.
I have no car or babysitter.
Would I like to go,
Should I go,
Everyone at work gets along pretty well, I'm the new guy so sometimes I feel like I'm still being hazed into this work/sorority or something. I need to join in more on things to fit in better I suppose. Or at least I think so.
I haven't worked in a long time and I feel that reminder everyday I get up and head to work.
I dread it.
I can handle the physical stress of standing on my feet for 11hrs straight, I can even take the mental beat downs customers give me.
I just feel so out of place there. I feel really dumb.
Everyone who works there is college educated, have gone through internships, they've chosen this profession as their main career in life. They know what they're doing because they've prepared for it.
Then here am I, this depressed, anxious, neurotic anorexic who has no idea how to do half of my job properly.
I'm not trained for it, and I'm never going to learn how to do anything because I'm always stuck in Pick up or Drive Thru. I'm hardly in Production or Never in Drop Off.
Everyone else has their place, I don't see them stressed as me because they know it all. They don't have to teach me anything I guess because maybe they assume I should know this already, after all they do, they went to school for this.
Most days the minute I leave work, my feet are throbbing and my chest is tight from anxiety. I pass McDonald's everyday and contemplate going inside and b/p any stress away. Sometimes I just don't want to care anymore.
I feel really tired, and according to some sources, I look it now.
I've been told I'm getting too skinny and look exhausted. I look frail.
I wish I could tell you I care, that I care about myself, but I don't. I can't stand the sight of myself. Ed's right to tell me the truth. "You're fucked girlie, and they all know it. You're in the weeds all by yourself and there you'll stay. Get used to it being just us, it's better that way."
I've lost all of the maintaining weight, I'm back down to my lowest weight this year.
This is the tricky part. The fork in the road.
Do I gain or keep losing?
Left or Right?
Live or Keep slowly dying.

The peeing of blood is not going away. This is the longest I've experienced this symptom.
Maybe my Organs are failing me. I don't know. I can't exactly call up a friend or family member and ask 'Hey remember that month you peed blood..ya how'd that go for you?'
I don't know anyone else who's going through this and can give me advice.
And not the kind of advice I always hear, the if you eat and take care of yourself stuff..I know that part, lord knows I hear it everyday from everyone. The kind of advice that is more sympathetic, the kind that tells me you'll be okay, this happened to me too once and then I did this and it stopped or it gets better etc.
I know I have to eat and all that. I wish it was easy to do but it's not.
I've just had a Granola bar and juice and already I feel full and gross. Ed's already yelling "Get it out, hurry, Wtf are you doing, don't you know what you weigh today, don't self sabotage now, we can go lower girlie, LOWER."
Normal people eat and don't think this way. They think of what to have for lunch or what dessert to eat afterwards.
They don't count every bit of food that goes into their mouths. They don't think days ahead as to what they see themselves eating, maybe.
I don't know how my life turned out so upside down. Maybe I really am stupid.

I'm sorry for all the self loathing talk. Feel free to skip ahead to another Blog.
I internalize everything, I hardly ever really say what it is I'm truly thinking.
It doesn't really matter most days anyways.

My kid has a lot of things due for school, my Ex hasn't been telling me about progress reports or notes being sent home. I wish he would just talk to me sometimes, how can we help her if we can never be on the same page?
Choose your Ex's wisely people, they'll be in your life forever.

My day off and lots to do. I'm never still. I think if I ever stopped and rested, I would have a heart attack and keel over.
Must keep moving!

So here's the To Do List:

*Two book reports due this weekend.
*One Science Project Due this month.
*School Play next Wednesday.
*Replace broken costly Uniform skirt
*Find Holiday Red&White themed costume for school play
*Finish LOTS of online Modules that are a work requirement
*Pay Bills
*Overdue Workout session
*Online Xmas Shopping
*Domestic domicile duties aka "cleaning"
*Relax  never mind this one, there's no time for that.
*Call Insurance Provider
*Post Office

My boyfriend found a clinic for me, he thought may actually take my shit Insurance.
My meds got filled at work, and guess what..
I need a new Insurance Card. December/January are the months where every one's plan changes or stays the same so in the meantime there are a lot of people out there who will go without their meds for a month maybe even two.
I'm one of those people. My Insurance isn't covering them this month.
My Depression meds alone are $84.00
Looks like I'll be all of December med free.
We were just getting the Depression under control, now I'll be off medication Cold Turkey.
I don't know what to expect, how I'll cope.
I'll be going through withdrawals at work. Pfft That's all I need now, to be the Emo girl in the Pharmacy. I already have one coworker asking me if I'm Goth lol. I dress in layers and dark colors, my hair is Platinum Blonde and my nail polish black most times. I tried my best to convince her I don't listen to Marilyn Manson all day, not that there would be anything wrong with that. He's tall, artistic and brilliant, how can you go wrong with that?
I tell her I like all kinds of music, but I'm more Trance junkie-esque to be honest.
Coworker doesn't buy it, keeps saying "Yeah..okay, but it's more like punk rock and stuff right?"

What can I tell you, I was one of those Club Kids you'd see on the Sally Jessy Raphael or Geraldo show..*shrugs*

I hope I don't have any sort of episodes or get all suicidal again.
I have a lot more time to myself and that only encourages me.
Why is it always something.

I'll keep trying to eat something everyday even if I fail miserably and end up purging it. I have to try.
I can't promise anything to anyone, I'm pretty sick and have clouded judgement sometimes. All I can do is have good days where things work out. I'll have a lot of bad days too where nothing works out and everything is bleak.
I'm not perfect, I never said I was.
Ya all knew I was like this from the start, you all got the Memo lol.
Don't go thinking I'll change overnight.
Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.

Hope you all are getting through the week, I'm sending you all any positivity I can muster.

At least there's next year right..
Things can't get any worse right? *famous last words*

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