Sunday, October 31, 2010

All Hallows Eve

Happy Halloween!
Today was a good day.
Halloween. Its my favorite day in the entire year, today I was normal, sort of.

A Free Halloween Party in my neighborhood park was the first destination on the agenda. It was great, my daughter had a wonderful time.
I woke up anxious and excited this morning, today would be a challenge. Last night I laxed again, after awaking at 8am, weighed and 119lbs. Finally things seem to be getting back on track.
After weighing, I took water pills, supps, and an OEP.
Tried to go back to bed but couldn't, a short while later my daughter woke up and jumped on the bed.
"Happy Halloween Mom!" she said super excited at the thought of wearing a costume and consuming infinite amounts of sugar.
I made her breakfast and ate with her too. My husband was still asleep and I was dizzy. Lots to do today.
I faked a shower and purged. 119 still-safe.
I decided to get a workout in, seeing as how the day would be long.
Normally I'd shower straight after, but the fatigue hit me hard and I layed back down while my husband woke up and got ready to put the coffee on.
"Lulu? are you OK, what's wrong?" concern in his voice.
Morning workouts get me so tired for some reason, besides all the lax.
I just needed to come down for a minute, then I proceeded to shower.
My husband showered and got ready and then my daughter.
I sewed a hole in her costume right quick and then the Scooby suit was back on.
Now my turn to get ready. My husband had no idea what I would dress up as. Neither did I initially, but I improvised and It turned out OK.

So then we're off to pick up my niece and head to the park.
The thing about celebrations like these is that there are numerous vendors selling all kinds of food. My husband and niece both buy plates of food after a few hours of us being there. They both offer me several times, a plate of food. I refuse, all I want is a diet coke. My daughter, who ate a whole hot dog already and had half of another hot dog on her plate, it was her turn now to offer.
"Mommy do you want to share my hot dog?" she looks sincere and innocent, sweat beads on her nose and a smile on her face.
I almost wanted to cry.
I gulped, my throat dry from the depletion of water thanks to the pills and lax.
I could not say no.
"Sure baby, I'd love to eat it." My fake smile all too big.
So I ate it and chugged half of the diet soda too.
She was happy to share, she always is.
The small amount of food echoed in me. Every fiber of my being wanted the thing out.
I was having such a good time up until then, no Ed in sight. I was just like everyone else enjoying the day, carefree. No worries over weight or numbers, or such things as scales or Bulimia. I tried not to ruin the day.
It was time to go finally, home to rest for a minute before heading out to stop number two of the day.
When we got back to my place I made my way to the bathroom and tried to purge the pitiful meal. Nothing.
It would not budge, and so I let it sit in me and quietly cried in the bathroom, while my husband, nephew and niece laughed at something my daughter was saying.
I decided to just accept it and opened the door to join them in the next room.
My niece was enjoying the day and we all decided to celebrate it properly with drinks. Wine this time, a smooth White Zinfandel, my second favorite next to Merlot.
I was buzzed and uploading the park's pics on FaceBook for my immediate family to see online. Time to go..
Second stop an old tradition, trick or treating at Bayside.

After a few hours of this we were all tired and ready to go home. More wine and scary movies awaited us..
In the back of my mind I wanted to know if any weight had fluctuated.
It was getting late and time for my niece to go home, my little nephew who's in the terrible two faze was tired and fussy.
After she was dropped back home the wine continued, this time I flew solo.

Now comes the hard part..
I've checked weight and I'm up by one.
I'm already dehydrated and there is no school tomorrow or the next day for my daughter. What do I do?
I've already started the drinking binge, and now I feel like I should just b/p too.
My husband is preoccupied with a bottle of Whiskey and the DVR recording of the Miami Heat game, I can go unnoticed.
I don't know what to do.
I'm triggered. I feel like I even want to lax again!
I can't lax again, three days in a row is bad news, bad.
I won't lax.
As for Mia's constant nag, I'm not really sure now. I think I will.
The day was almost perfect, but the Ed is always there. Mia is always there, a promise when all others fade away. I feel like crying, I feel defeated. A slave to this.
I can't even imagine the exhaustion my body will feel tomorrow from this. The abuse I put myself through. Why do I keep punishing myself so much?
I can't even remember anymore what got all this started.
Almost midnight now and I think I should just get it over with. My feet hurt and my daughter's asleep already. The game is over now and my husband has that look on his eye like he wants to talk. Ugh chatter, how I hate it. I long for silence and the dark cold quiet that comes with it.
Hope you all had a good time tonight, I did, up until now.
Goodnight my lovelies.
Happy Halloween to you all!

Saturday, October 30, 2010


Hello there my lovelies,
Just a quick post on this beautiful sunny Saturday.
I'm very happy to report that I'm finally back at 120 lbs today. The lax worked its magic last night and kept me up until 4am as predicted. I feel a little dizziness but nothing that I can't walk off.
I've been getting ready for Halloween tomorrow, I am very excited, it's my favorite Holiday ever. I'll be trick or treating with my daughter and husband. My beautiful niece has decided to tag along with her son too, so it should be a great night for once. Carving and painting pumpkins galore today. That's kept me so busy have not b/p today at all!
I am craving but so far have been able to fend Mia off, wish me luck that I can do it the rest of the day..

Also took 2 update pics to mark the 120 milestone.
I can't really see a difference at all? I don't know maybe its the mirror playing tricks on me again or my brain, either way do not see any change at all.
So you be the judge and please be honest I can take it.
I will post again tomorrow, even if its late, in case I miss you all,
Have a Happy and Safe Halloween!!

Lou @ 131 lbs
Lou @ 120lbs
Thighs @ 131lbs

Thighs @ 120lbs

Friday, October 29, 2010


Its Friday finally.
Last night I tossed in turned in bed. Woke up at 5am and went to sit on the balcony and have a smoke.
I love the way 5am smells, the air is so crisp. Outside garbage trucks and school buses whiz by. The day has started for many, off to work and some just getting home. I go back inside and weigh 121.
Last night was brutal, I hate to feel so sad. Thank you lovely followers for all the uplifting comments, they made me feel better. Its nice to not feel alone, to know others go through similar struggles. Its not easy.
Today is the Fall festival, after the alarm goes off my daughter and husband wake out of their sound sleep to get ready. My husband works early this morning. He hands me a large bill and hopes it helps erase his mistake.
I take the money and sigh. This means I have to get change somewhere this morning. I already feel drained. I have a headache and bags under my eyes. My eyes are also puffy from all the crying. I look frightening.
My daughter is dressed in her Scooby Doo costume, and as I'm brushing her hair, I quiz her on the book report she has to present in class. She seems ready. I hope they accept the late money and she can join the pizza party.
We're off now and I have the large bill itching in my hand. I can go to a fast food drive through and order something to break it, or I could just go to the grocery store near her school and spend it wisely. I chose the latter of the two.
So I shop for today's dinner and grab things for a binge session too.
After the store the money is given and my daughter is in school. Now I'm driving home with a trunk full of groceries. Before I head home I remember there is one more stop I have to make. Since its Friday that means I don't have to get up early tomorrow. I can relax tonight, there is something I want to do.
I head to the little market for laxatives. This store has them the cheapest, sometimes I dread going in there, I get looks from a particular cashier. She eyes me up and down as I pretend to look away at something else or fidget with my car keys, I wonder what she thinks of the incredibly shrinking woman. Today though it will not stop me. I have plenty of money to buy what I need. On the shelf there are a few remaining, as I reach to grab one, the stock boy nearby tells me to grab what I need because the reorder for those won't get there until Thursday. I thank him and when he leaves I take them all.

I get home and unload the car and head inside. After I've tidied the house listening to 30 Seconds to Mars, I start to get the dinner ready. I'm making yellow rice and chicken. I put the chicken to boil, later I will have to spend a good amount of time shredding the entire chicken. In the meantime I binge and log on to yahoo messenger.
I decided to stop after one b/p. I have to pick up my daughter from school later and don't want to feel weak or anxious. I continue with dinner and even bake a cake in case my daughter missed out on the pizza party.

Finally its time to get my daughter and the dinner is on low and almost ready.
I drive and have no anxieties today, just in case I took a bottle of water with me. The school lets out and its costumes galore. My daughter is extra happy, and so is her teacher who loved both her costume and her book report.
Her behavior today Green, and green is good.
On the drive home she's very chatty, I suspect all the candy. She was allowed to join the pizza party after all, hooray!
Friday is turning out OK, minus the bulimia.
Now b/p session number two is a big one, I was online with my friend and put her on hold to purge. It was quite a mission to bring it all back up, I felt exhausted at some point. I had to sit and rest on the cool floor of the bathroom before I went at it again, finally seeing the marker courtesy of the chocolate cake, I knew I was done.
I took a long time, so long when I got back online my friend said, you took so long.
I had to laugh.
Last b/p was ice cream, had to make sure there were no stragglers. I was done for today and yet felt like I could keep going.
My husband phoned to tell me he was on his way home from work, good I thought, this should stop me.
I went ahead and worked out to kill the craving. It starts to rain really hard all of a sudden as I jump in the shower. I remembered the old wives tale of bathing while it rains. The lightning and thunder scared me into a pretty quick shower.
My body is settled and I go and have a final cigarette outside before I down the lax.

My mouth is dry and the headache will not let up. The strain on my left shoulder is back and screaming in distress. My knuckles hurt and are so red. I'm going to have to buy concealer tomorrow. I don't know the first thing about makeup, I'm a bit of a tomboy. I've never worn so much as foundation on my face in my entire life. Shopping for my skin color should be interesting, I'm very pale, the color of ivory. I don't know if Cover Girl comes in that hue?
In any event tonight is going to a be sleepless one for sure. The lax should have me up until 4am for sure.
I'm curious to see if the plateau will budge now, I know the dizziness will be back. I just wish this day would be over with already, I feel spent.
I think I'm going to lay down for a bit and see if the lax will get started already.
Night to you all.
Stay strong and thanks for reading. ღ


I'm having a real bad night.
I've just put my daughter to bed and have locked myself in the bathroom.
This is the only room that I can be alone in. I've turned the shower on, hot water full blast and now I'm crumpled on the floor, a sobbing mess. I rock back and forth under the hot waterfall and let it all out. I cry into my hands, there is nothing else to do.
I feel like a everything.
I tried so hard today to not b/p. I can't do it.
Earlier this morning I was doing so well, I was pretty happy. It was time to get my daughter from school later on that afternoon, my husband drove. My chest started to hurt on the drive there for some reason, I felt anxious? I find it getting harder to breathe, I held my composure and just tilted the passenger seat back and closed my eyes wishing the feeling away.
I really just wanted to not feel anything, especially around my husband who acts indifferent to anything that pertains to me. Finally I was able to calm myself down, it was hard at first because my husband kept raising the volume up on the radio. The noise and loud music were distracting to the deep breathing I was trying to do. Maybe he did that in an effort to ignore my latest episode I suspect. Who knows, he doesn't know the definition of subtle.
Finally my kid is off from school and walking towards me towing a small white plastic bag in hand. Today a dentist came to visit her classroom, the dentist demonstrated proper oral hygiene care and every student got a free toothbrush and toothpaste. Hers was red, and sponge bob square pants toothpaste.
After saying hello and giving me a huge hug, she gives me a coy smile and tells me she was on Red today, apparently for talking too much to her best friend Christopher. I tell her the deal, no computer or DVDs of any kind then. She doesn't like this one bit.
My husband says nothing as usual.
At home and I'm looking through her binder for any announcements. There are none except a reminder about the Fall Festival tomorrow and the dressing up. In smaller letters on the same flyer there is a paragraph that tells parents that today was also the last day to turn in the money for the food, a pizza party in the cafeteria.
I told my husband about this, I wonder if he remembered to put the money in her book bag?
He's been so tight with money, or so he says. I'm not working right now, all that I've applied to, not one call back. Its hard to depend on someone else to give you any kind of financial support, I hate it.
"No I didn't know about the money, I didn't send her with anything.." he says very nonchalant.
Its like I have to hold his hand, he has to take initiative and parent. I can't be on top of my kid and him too.
The flyer says today was the last day. So what does that mean, my poor baby can't eat pizza at the festival with her classmates, she has to be the odd one out?
You have no idea how this makes me feel...
My daughter and I do homework and her book report on Scooby Doo. My husband continues to get ready for work. Not an ounce of emotion does he spare. I feel awful, I feel bad for my daughter, she shouldn't have to miss out on anything. Its not fair.
She's only five, how do you think she will feel seeing everyone else eating all that gooey pizza, who doesn't like pizza?
My chest really hurts now, like the strain is back. There is only one thing that can make me feel better and worse all at the same time..
Homework and book report are done and I can't wait for this giant trigger to just leave my sight.
He says bye to my daughter and then tells me that tomorrow he'll drop off the money at school. I tell him what if they don't want to accept it? Its besides the point, he needs to help not make things worse.
"I'm running late I have to go to work." he leaves.
Its his mistake, but I feel responsible, I should know better. You can't depend on anyone but yourself. I should have got the money from him on the day of the first initial flyer and held on to it, instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm a fool as usual.
Too trusting, always giving second chances. I'm a doormat, step on me and wipe your feet here.
So now I'm triggered. I feel like I want to punish myself and so I do. First one binge then two. The second one was a little harder on account of all the bread. That really hurt coming back up. I scratched myself good too, that really really hurt, made myself bleed. So b/p 2x.
The chest pain was gone and so was I. Got in a workout, a real half assed lazy one I might add. Afterwards, a c/s session for round three.

I didn't want anything in me so time to go purge in the shower. Fuck when will it end?
I'm exhausted and feel like I could just go at it all night. I get my daughter ready for bed and really hope they'll take pity on her and accept the money. If they don't then I hope he has 20$ for an actual pizza after school, its the least he can do. I'm tired of this.
I feel frustrated and sad. I don't think I'll ever get thin. I will never be happy, or beautiful or smart. I don't think I'll ever get over this anxiety and depression. I will just keep getting worse. I'm not worth loving. I will never get over Bulimia either, it will kill me.
I can't do anything right.
So all I can do is just quietly let out my anguish under scolding hot water, and hold myself hostage in the bathroom.
I'm so tired of this life. I don't enjoy it one bit.
I'm sorry to be so depressing, but I just feel so trapped and unable to grasp anything, it all feels out of control sometimes. I don't know who I am anymore. The cats are scratching at the bathroom door, they are my shadows, always at my heels. Speaking of cat, I think my black cat is mocking my bulimia. She threw up on the carpet this morning, she has been throwing up a lot lately, She's either making fun of me or I'm rubbing off on her. I pray its just hairballs.

I don't know about tomorrow, I'm nervous about the drive after school. The last time I picked her up was the day of the dehydration.
I hate that my mind is already worrying about things that haven't even occurred yet. Why can't I just be a normal boring person?
Everything has to manifest itself in some aspect in my life.
I don't think I'll be sleeping well tonight. I'm going to have bags under these eyes in the morning.
So I think I'm done feeling sorry for myself now. I think its all out of my system now. I will try to lay down in the dark room and fall asleep.
I hope I don't have nightmares again.
Thanks for putting up with me my lovelies. Hope you've had a better night than mines.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Rainy day ☂

Yesterday was a good day, no dizziness in sight.
Today, this morning as it still happens to be, same. The strange unsettling feeling is no longer with me. I am free to just be for once. I've been up since 6am and feel sleepy as you normally would knowing that any minute the alarm is about to go off.
I get up and go weigh-121 still (sighs heavily). I'm Plateaued or "maintaining."
I need to get this metabolism going, in another safer way, I'm just starting to feel good and don't want to have to resort to a laxative binge this weekend. I go ahead and put the water to boil for tea while I brush my teeth. The soreness from my gums has subsided, yesterday's Chew n spit session left me in agony. I have to watch out with that ritual it is addictive and nothing good can come out of it. Hope to be rid of that. I'm brushing my teeth now and do something odd, I actually look at the back of the toothpaste tube for the calorie bar.
I catch myself doing this and laugh quietly, I shake my head in disbelief. This happens a lot to me, sometimes I don't even realize I've done it until its pointed out to me.
On grocery day I now take up to 2hrs, before I would be in and out of the store. Now as it happens my delay is due to all of the label reading. I don't even check prices of things anymore, just how many calories there are. It drives my husband insane, he doesn't get it.
"It says zero fat, just grab that." he says completely clueless. I hate shopping with him, food or otherwise.
Now on that day I sneak off to the market alone and take my sweet time.
The hot water is ready and I get the tea bags for steeping. Breakfast is a good way to get the metabolism going, that's why they tell you it's the most important meal of the day. Break from the hours of sleep you've just come out of. Jump start the metabolism if you will. I haven't actually digested a breakfast in months. I decided to do this in baby steps, maybe work my way up if I can pull it off. A protein shake in the blender and a pot of coffee. I'm not a coffee enthusiast, a cup here and there, but never religiously. I don't have a fix for it, no Starbucks card in my wallet.
Today I'll have some black coffee and a cigarette. I feel like one suddenly.
I know all this may not constitute as an actual breakfast per say, but baby steps.
My daughter is awake now and its time for school, today is Jean's Day, no uniform. The black coffee is sprinkled with cinnamon and splenda, its not so bad.
Outside the rain is coming down, my kind of day. My daughter enjoys the rain too, mostly the puddles she tries to splash in when I'm not looking.
I feel calm and have no cravings. My husband goes back to work today, later on will be the challenge of will power, my inner struggle to not be bent over the toilet bowl.
Now back home from from the quick ride to school and I'm downing the supps and tea. Now I can have my cigarette..

I'm thinking about the lax that's hidden in the fridge. I hate that I want it, its not a real loss, and it will only deplete me again, the dizziness will be back. I try to put it out of my mind and look out the balcony at the rain to steady me.

My chest doesn't hurt as much today, I think the hot water I let saturate my shoulder helped some. The strained muscle is at ease. Online now and a good friend of mines has not signed in yet?
She was having a bad day yesterday, I send her a message and hope she's okay. Sometimes you want to give up and be normal but its not so easy anymore, once this thing has touched your life it will have its way with you. To even recover from this is dangerous. The heart and body being starved of nutrients won't take the overload of eating again. Recovery may kill you. Too much strain on the heart and you can actually have a heart attack suddenly. We play with fire. Prometheus was wrong to give us the power.
I don't know how to eat breakfast anymore?
What do you eat and how can you talk yourself into thinking its OK?
Nothing feels safe for me, I'm just getting used to water of all things again. I worry about calories and inhaling the scents of food, touching certain foods, can it seep into your skin? Such silly worries to persons who have no idea, real fears for me and others like me.
I'm getting obsessed with exercise too. Last night on the way to the bathroom around 2am, after everyone was asleep I found myself suddenly on the carpet in the dark, cold room doing a set of crunches. I slept afterwards like nothing. Even now I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like no one I know goes through this, I feel like a weirdo. It makes me sad, then again it makes me appreciate the isolation. You can't behave this way and think the outside world will embrace you. They call your Ed "diet", they turn a blind eye on the tell tale signs right in front of them. Its no wonder persons panic when you're suddenly on the brink of hospitalization.
There's a quote that I love that goes..
"You have to look at behaviour. Not everyone knows how to ask for help."
This is true not only for Ed's but in general.
I have no idea what the rest of the day will hold for me. I know there's homework and housework to do, a book that I want to finish reading and a DVR full of shows that I haven't watched in a week. I don't even watch much TV anymore. There a lot of things I've stopped doing. I'm sure the workout will be squeezed in there somewhere for the most part. I wonder if the weight sticking around is actual muscle?
I've been doing a lot of toning lately.
My arms are my favorite, I like to see the definition now. Sure they're not huge guns, and I won't be in any body building competitions anytime soon, but I can sure open that pesky pickle jar lid easy hehehe.

I hope I'm able to not cave today. Would be nice to take a break from that, I feel like a robot.
I think I'll go back to bed for a little bit. Its too early to start worrying about Mia.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Chew & Spit

So no dizziness at all today, I 'm very pleased. I was able to be out and about all day running errands without once having to hold on to something or sit for a minute. I was very grateful for that, I had a lot to do today.
Last night after I ran out of things to do, in an attempt to fight the cravings I did a Chew and Spit session. Apples and cinnamon it was, in my old cup that I keep hidden under the kitchen sink in case of emergencies.
It worked, kept Mia at bay and I was able to sleep after my shower. In the morning the weight hasn't budged. 121 is starting to piss me off. Dare I say I'm maintaining?
I like that word better that Plateau, let's run with that for now. Took supps & OEP with a protein shake infused with more cinnamon and plenty of water. It feels nice to be able to walk and not feel like you're going to pass out at any second.
My daughter dropped off and I'm full of energy. Workout and hear the nagging of Mia in the background. Can't b/p today my husband is off.
Decide to indulge in c/s again. This time soup and apples, bread sticks too. My cup runneth over!
I figure maybe if I allow myself to digest this, my metabolism could get started again? Its not that many calories really who knows?
That was the plan, was..
After five minutes, it came back up all on its own. I had to fake a shower and purge.
The full feeling was too much, I couldn't keep it down. So now we've started.
I'm pissed and irritable and decided to do crunches and squats anything to keep the thing from continuing.
After twenty minutes of this my husband wakes up and gets ready to go out, lots to do today. I expect now for the dizziness to arrive, but no still safe.
The school is having a Fall Festival on Friday. My daughter has to dress up in costume that day and has a book project due. Well its no ordinary book report I'm afraid, the book has to be based on her costume of all things. Problem! My daughter's original costume is the killer from "Scream." My daughter's a bit of a tomboy like her mom I'm afraid, so she picks out the most random of things at times. What book can I possibly find on this particular costume? The only thing I can think of is the book companion to the movie itself. She's in Kindergarten so I think its a bit much.
Now I have to buy another costume, great. We finally found something that works, Scooby Doo and a book about that mutt too. School costume all picked out and scary actual costume ready for Halloween.

Task one done. Now comes the candy, lots of candy that I have to donate to her school for the festival. In the huge, cold store now and headed to the aisle of sugary indulgence I am craving big time. I start to imagine all the fun I can have with a bag of lemon heads and gummy worms. This is not the best place for me to be right now. I grab the first things I lay my hands on in an attempt to hurry up and leave this aisle.
"Should we get a bag of candy for us?" my husbands asks eyeing the caramel cubes that get stuck in your teeth. I tell him no.
I can't have that temptation in the house. He looks disappointed and grabs a small bag of coffee candy for him instead. I don't like those, good call.

Did I go overboard?
Now we're out of that dreaded aisle and headed for the final stop, produce.
Pumpkins to be exact, time to rack up on some for carving and others for Fall Festival donating.

My husband wants to linger around the store and I just really want to go. The craving is gnawing at me and I hate it. I know in a minute or so I'm going to get snappy. He starts to make small talk in the checkout line. I bring up Thanksgiving, he gets offended of course that I wouldn't want to spend the holiday with him. He wants to tag along. My brother and him are estranged, its an awkward sort of thing. They are civil with each other but you can taste the tension in the air. I don't want to be a party to that. My sister is also civil with him for my daughter's sake of course. It would be a triggering day for me already without the added stress. So its decided that I'm not going. There will be other holidays.
My husband has another errand to run after we've picked up my daughter from school, I don't particularly want to go, I want to stay home and get this out of my system. I'm dropped off under the pretense that I have a headache. Upstairs and in a limited open window of 20 minutes max I'm undecided. I start to really think about what is it I'm trying to do exactly. Do I really want to go through the long ritual and then heave till the tears from my eyes stream down my face on their own accord?
Chew and spit again I'm afraid, this time I down the plate of pasta with a protein shake. When its done I go purge whatever is in me.
I'm done now and feel no better. I will always feel unsatisfied I'm afraid.
My chest stings from the strain and my teeth hurt. My throat is dry and the gashes on my knuckles have opened again, pink and swollen.
I'm thinking about the 121 and the fact that I'm stuck. I have two lax hidden away and ready for me. I honestly feel like I want to take them. I shouldn't. I'm trying to be good and cut back, but it feels like this dam weight won't budge.
I need something to jump this lazy metabo of mines. I'm running out of ideas.

Well lookey here ☺


Just a quick post update for now on this lovely Wednesday.
I woke up this morning and no dizziness!
I feel really good today and that almost never happens. I'm keeping the hydration going this Am with a Protein shake loaded with cinnamon (55cals)
and just gobbled up my supps and an OEP.
Took my daughter to school and found a great parking spot, expected to feel the vertigo as per usual the minute I get out the car but no. I'm still good. I haven't felt this way in a long time my lovelies.
Thank you all for the comments and well wishes. I think maybe today will be an OK day. I have my fingers crossed that I can feel like everyone else today. Weight still 121 but considering things It could be worse, I would've gained a sleuth of lbs by now. Working out in a few to keep the momentum going and shopping for Halloween costumes and more pumpkins later. Hope you all have an equally great day. I will keep up the water today as I am slowly drilling it into my brain that's its perfectly alright. Going to overcome these phobias!
I'm also going to see about Thanksgiving, maybe I can talk myself into going and maybe restricting. Going to google google google today and see about what's safe to eat round the holiday dinner table then. Stay strong today everyone.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

No more

Its not even 10pm and I've already run out of things to do.
I gave into Mia's demands today and b/p 2x. I'm exhausted. I can't anymore today. After a great workout, the craving is unbearable.
I've gone over homework with my daughter, bathe and put her to bed. Cleaned the entire house and managed to do laundry. I have tea steeping now and I'm even drinking 32 ounces of water in addition to the 32 from this morning.

I'm no longer H20 intolerant..
I haven't even changed from my workout gear, I think I need to do more crunches in a minute. I'm also freezing!
I can't b/p again, too much hassle. I have a bad strain on my left shoulder from going at it too much lately. It literally hurts to move that arm. My knuckles are raw, the scabs aren't healing as quickly as before. Tomorrow my husband is off from work, so that means no b/p for sure. Stupid Mia just reminds me why I should just give it my all tonight.
I hate this!
Haven't taken any water pills or OEP today, no lax since Saturday. I'm trying to be good but its so hard. The night seems like the hardest lately.
Feel so triggered now. I may have to resort to Chew and Spit just to shut that dam Mia up. Ugh hate c/s so gross. I spoke to two of my brother's today who scolded me for not drinking water. The oldest referred to my Ed as a diet? Hmm I forget, what's the name of that river in Egypt?
He also wants to know if I will be coming with him to spend Thanksgiving at my sister's house in Orlando. I don't know what I wanna do yet?
It could go a lot of ways. I could go and not eat in which case I have to explain myself and get lectured. I could go and b/p which I don't want to do at all.
Or I could stay and do my own Thanksgiving dinner here. The truth is I would like to go, it would be nice to get out of Miami for a bit. I'd like to see my sister and nephews, and my crazy uncle who smokes too much. I would like to go with just my daughter, leave the ol' ball n chain at home. I don't know if he would go for that though, he's been on me like fleas on a dog lately. We're going to have to talk tomorrow. He's so sensitive, I have to tread lightly.
The holidays are nothing but open invitations of sabotage for Mias. Every stupid holiday involves food, its ridiculous. November turkey, December candy canes and cookies, not to mention that god awful fruitcake. I don't eat that, but in a bind who knows..
January the sweets and shit continue. February Boo love! and chocolates galore.
March and April are more candy infused Easter Mania. May is for Mother's Day and that means breakfast in bed. June and July forget it, dam burgers and hot dogs for summer. August means back to school and time to get kid's lunches done everyday. September and October are the same thing, fall foods and goodies. There isn't a safe day in the whole year. I may have to resort to hiding out in a bomb shelter for a decade and come back out when food finally comes in pill form and will be easier to purge.
I think I need to workout, shower and possibly c/s on something that's not going to drive me insane. Maybe apples and cinnamon?
If that doesn't help, Ipod on volume up and blast Massive Attack, Tricky or Portishead till the craving goes away.


I knew it.
Weight 121, you see this is why I don't drink anything. Its a gain. I'm full of Gatorade, water, and a protein shake. Ugh hate going backwards!
I'm grateful that someone up there must like me and the Lulu show didn't get cancelled yesterday, I guess I must be entertaining after all. I'm alive and have another chance. So its really time to prioritize and get this goal achieved already. Thirty pounds will not stop me.
Last night I tried to sleep. The cold and pitch black of the room was soothing to some degree. I layed in the silence and tried to clear my mind of all that had happened.
Nightmares took hold of me all night long, one after another. It got so bad at one point I had to go shower and get online for a bit to calm down. The awful dreams came to me in randomness. The first were actual persons I knew, my husband appeared to me in a dream, we were sitting in a dark field under a red star filled sky. He was really drunk and had a bottle of Jameson Whiskey in has hand, his fingers clenching tight around the neck. He was a different drunk, a mean one, in my dream I was actually in fear of what he might do. He slurred and staggered this way and that all the while calling me out on all my months of secrecy, my double life. I had nothing to say, I could only take it. He then proceeded to douse himself with the liquor and light a match. It was awful, I think that was the worse of the series of nightmares last night. Some other dreams had vauge shapes trying to take me into darker darkness still. I had to get out of the bed finally. The hot shower was what I needed.

"The Nightmare"
Henry Fuseli  1782

 My husband came home from work late and was surprised to see me awake and on the computer. He was vivsibly exhausted, leaving work early to deal with my crisis and then having to return must've been pleasant to explain to his bosses. -It's Ok folks, she's fine, just needs a drink of water!
How awful, its not like I planned to be a nusance. He gives me a look, I turn red.
I start to feel better now that he's here, and so we talk for a moment. I don't tell him about the nightmare. I catch him looking at me, its an odd stare. Not concern but something else, how can I describe it?
He looks at me sometimes like he's noticing me..if what I just typed makes any sense. Like when you realize suddenly that someone you see everyday, the plain jane has morphed into beauty, he looks at me like he didn't know I could look this way. It makes me uncomfortable, I'm not used to those looks from him. We've been married for thirteen years, a lifetime it feels like. After all these years love is superfluous.
I'm past that now, I think having the bills paid on time and a roof over my daughter's head are more important than silly looks and hugs and kisses. No thank you, let's leave fairy tales in books shall we.
I'm able to sleep finally at some point. Its morning and I know the weight has gone up. I get on the scale and there it is. It could be worse I suppose. Now i'm a bit nervous to drive but I have no dizziness and take it as a omen. Its beautiful outside, a little windy and gloomy clouds as far as the eye can see. I love the rainy weather, maybe its the Pisces in me that years for the peace only water can bring. The drive is fine, I play my new Kings of Leon Cd on the way there, my daughter hums along to the music. "Mary" seems to be her favorite song, I agree.
I take a different route getting there, my usual is blocked under construction. I managed to even find a parking space close to the school's entrance and I'm able to walk and not fear falling over from a spell. A kiss goodbye for my daughter who's been getting Green again on the behavior chart, and I can go. The drive back home under the overcast sky is equally as pleasant.
I think today I should try to keep up with the water. I made tea already which I've chugged along with supps. I really want to workout and I'm going to need energy. Online last night and I found something that caught my eye.
Oral Rehydration Solutions Made at home.

I don't know yet? Maybe if I get desparate enough. Seems like a lot of work, you have to measure and be precise, litter this and level spoon that? Math is not my friend.
Geesh making Meth is easier than this, just kidding I've never cooked Meth before..Why what have you heard?
In any event I'm feeling better today so far, the gain is a bit triggering though. There's a ton of leftover Baked Spaghetti so I don't have to cook today at least.
On the other hand that means more chances of caving. I won't beat myself too much about it if it happens. Hoping the rest of the day will be better than yesterday, anything is better than yesterday!
I shudder just thinking about it all over again. Happy tuesday so far.

I wish I knew how to quit you..

Monday, October 25, 2010

I am my own Amusement Park!

So I'm 120 lbs today yes.
Today is not without its challenges let me tell you.
Last night I got drunk, I did it so I could purge in the free and clear. It worked of course. I also did it to drop the last pound so this morning I could finally be at 120, it worked too.
Now this morning I was hungover, like really hungover! Now I remember why I stopped drinking in the first place. The alarm went off and I had to take my daughter to school. I could barley function, let alone drive. Ugh my head is pounding. I get her dressed and then go weigh. I'm 120 yay! and ouch my head.
We're off to school and I am utterly dizzy and nauseous. I decided to go to BK for breakfast, maybe I had low sugar, I needed something to help me feel better.
Warning: Actual Binge Items below, they don't call it a binge for nothing lovelies!

I'm done and headed back home to purge. I didn't want to do it at the restaurant, I get paranoid in public bathrooms, plus this was a place near my home, don't wanna run into anyone I know.
My husband is in bed and I arrive and continue my one woman show-"I'm hungover and sick as a dog!"
Off to the bathroom for a long, noisy  purge. I crawl back into bed and try to rest, sleep away the pain. Awhile later after my stomach has settled I take my supps and water pills, threw in a Stacker today for some reason too.
My husband has to work early today?
Hmm not good. I'm in no condition to drive. He tells me I have to pick up my daughter from school and to please change that sick look off my face. Grr.
So he is gone and I have two hours to attempt to feel better. I get out of bed and start to clean. The time is going by and I decide to shower. I feel panicky
and anxious, I start thinking about the long drive and the dizziness from earlier.
I say a little prayer to our dear lord..Help me Jebus!
Finally I'm presentable. I wear the only pair of skinny black jeans that fit me at the moment and a silky black top that snugs at my body perfectly. My hair is clean and shiny from the shower and I even managed to throw some mascara on this tired ol' mug of mines. Have on my new red bracelet that I bought the other day with matching earrings to boot. Converse are on and tied and I think I'm ready to go. One last look in the mirror and I think I can pass for normal human being today. A happy mom with no problems looming on the horizon.
Now its time to leave and get my daughter from school. I give myself a pep talk to feel less nervous. Now I feel odd.
I'm all tingly and my breathing gets shallow. Maybe its a panic attack? I start to drive and its getting harder and harder to concentrate. The tingly is on my left. My chest is stinging. Oh shit!
I have to pick up my kid from school, this cannot be happening.
The tingling suddenly gets sharper and my hands start to lock up. Instead of a heart attack, I think I'm having a seizure..
I panic big time now, the attack comes to join the sick party. I call my husband on speed dial and he takes forever to answer. Finally he does.
I tell him what's happening to me and he is unable to do a thing, he's at work.
I'm in such a disarray I even get lost suddenly and go the long way around to my daughter's school. I swerve suddenly, both hands are locking up on me. My vision gets blurry, I cant see!
My husband is having hysterics on the other end of the line. "Pull the car over!" he yells at me, but I keep refusing. I think to myself if I can just get to the school. I start to think about my poor daughter alone at school, teacher holding her hand waiting for a no show mom..
Finally the vision comes back and there's a gas station right by the turning lane of the very busy street. The tingly feeling is all over my body now, I can't feel anything. I pull into the gas station and my husband tries to calm me down. He thinks its a panic attack, like the Mother of all panic attacks. I know better, its death tapping me on my shoulder. In the parking lot of the Chevron station I am unable to calm down. I think I'm dying. I call my sister to hear her voice. She is so worried and lives so far away, nothing she can do but panic herself and at work no less.
My husband is getting off of work, he's unsure of what to do. My hands lock up and I'm finding it difficult to breathe. I'm numb all over, I can't even walk. I think maybe its my sugar being so low I'm about to seize up. I ask my husband to call an ambulance, he assures me he will and hangs up. I'm back and forth in between calls, my sister and my husband. An ambulance races down the street and I think good!
Except its not for me?
I answer a call from my husband and ask did he make the call, he says no.
He wants to get there first, he thinks this is something I can just work out for myself. I can't.
I switch over and its my sister, I tell her what he just said and she's had it already, she decides to call him herself and give him a stern talking to. For  the next couple of minutes they are back and forth calling each other arguing and I'm the dying monkey in the middle.
I hang up with them both, and am my own hero. Call 911 in the middle of the afternoon, in a gas station parking lot. I describe my symptoms and they suspect sugar too. I''m on hold until they arrive for me a few minutes later. Here we go, can't turn back now.
City of Miami Fire and Rescue, what is it about these boys in uniform? There are three of them and they are all good looking. Maybe its the profession that makes them extra attractive. The first is a tall, lean one who has a shaved head. His skin is the color of Dijon mustard and he smells of soft cologne. He is very cute. The second one is an older man with handsome maturity all over his face. he is of average height and has muscular arms and very dark brown eyes. The third is a more dignified older still man, who talks with a thick Spanish accent. He is the shortest of the three and says very little. My would be medical team has arrived to heal what ails me.
I'm asked for Id and questioned before they carry me out of the car and load me in the ambulance. I can't walk, my legs instantly buckle.

On the stretcher now and the cool Ac hits my flushed face. I lay down and am questioned again.
"Any Drugs or alcohol?"
Yes beer, I was watching football last night and had a few, got sick from them. Ended up yakking all night and this morning too. My official story if anyone asks.
My blood pressure was good and so was my sugar. My heart was pumping to the tune of 150 and going up.
I needed to calm down, so they began the small talk. My Id was taken earlier and the minute it was handed back I knew the comment that was about to be made. On my driver's license which no one must ever see but the cop who's pulling me over or some other official, my pic is not the woman you see today. I was very different looking. You'd think I had a fake Id. So of course I was asked if that was me and when is the picture from. Its from 2006 I tell them and they all take turns handing it to one another gawking. How embarrassing. I'm asked if I suffer from anxiety and I do. My medical history is brought up and I seem to be healthy. The diagnoses, dehydration. Of course it would be, I don't drink anything!
They tell me alcohol dehydrates you (duh) and the throwing up does too. As the very cute paramedic tells me this I tuck my right hand with the scabbed knuckles under my leg. My red Ana bracelets scream from my wrists against my pale skin, look at me.
So I'm dehydrated, I'm asked if I'm thirsty by the tall, cute cue balled paramedic. I am actually. I tell him I would've bought an orange juice or something but as it happens, I don't have two nickles to rub together on me. Left the house with zero cash. The cute one asks what flavor Gatorade and jots into the station store. My heart rate is stabilizing some. The conversation continues. I'm asked by the second older good looking paramedic why a woman as pretty as me would suffer from depression and anxiety. I tell him Its a hard knock life. He smiles and stares at me wondering why all the armor?
The cute one is back with not one but two Gatorade for me. I have to drink them both right now. I do and I feel like I'm going to pop. I start to count calories and now this is gonna up me to god knows how much!
After the second one is in me, I immediately feel like I want to purge it. The desire to be rid of it is overwhelming. I can't stand the way full feels.
I'm still in the stretcher and I'm stabilizing. I'm given tips on safe drinking and re hydration. I'm told to continue the Gatorade fest all day. I nod my head and pretend to agree. The third paramedic, maybe the chief as his uniform is a crisp white shirt with badges, hands me an electronic clipboard and makes me sign something, also know as the bill-yay wonder how much this is gonna cost me.
I'm all better now. I actually feel it, the tingling is stopping and my hands have relaxed. I'm given more advice and the cute tall one makes a joke.
"Anytime you or any hot friends feel bad, make sure you call again from this same district.." he winks and I smile awkwardly back.
Now he decides to flirt. Nice.
I'm back in the car and my phone is ringing, my husband has picked my daughter up from school already, I'm relieved. He's turning the corner and will be at the station shortly. I wait in the hot car hoping I'm cured.
I'm curious now as to what he'll say..
My daughter is happy to see me and I am too. I dodged a bullet. This would've been real bad. This would be health related Ed scare #2 for me. I'm scared now as to what number three will bring?
My husband is somber and I give him an exhausted smile and begin to explain.
Afterwards he drives behind me in his car making sure I'm fine. We drop my car off and we're off to the market where I'm to buy more Gatorade. In the aisles of the store my husband begins the story of the back and forth with my sister. I don't know who to believe, so much has been said and its all conflicting. I just tune it all out and think about what just happened.
"What are you making for dinner later?" he asks while eyeing the meat department.
Pasta I guess? its easy and quick. I go grab the ingredients while he comes back to the buggy with no Powerade but Gatorade. They are all out, great.
So the bread and pound cake are thrown in the cart and I've just realized what I'm doing. The perfect b/p session is made available to me effortlessly. All the things are here in place for later. In the checkout line, my husband tells me in a low voice "Please stop throwing up, that's the worse thing to do ever. It will kill you faster than anything else." He turns away from me.
I stow the craving away for later. Dropped off home and I begin to cook and IM my friend explaining the long absence. I feel like I wanna cave. Its sick, I just had this scare and here I was not caring again.
So I do. I don't fight it.
I'm done for the day with that and I'm ready to just be still now that Mia's been pleased. I feel unsatisfied and quiet.
This is my Monday.


So right now I'm being really naughty.

Drinking my ass off and b/p. I'm drunk.
I have b/p already 2x, Used the "I've drank too much excuse." Managed to eat whatever I wanted and then empty. Going to keep drinking this six pack and then go at it again. My husband is here and yet has said nothing? Purged loudly and when I got out of the bathroom, he's in bed with my IPod listening to music? I don't know if he's trying to ignore it or just missed the chance?
I don't know?
Now I'm on beer number five and plan to purge again..
Smoking too, Boo!. I smell like a bar. All this to lose another pound of course, purging alcohol does that. It also dehydrates you. I will be hungover tomorrow. I'm going to continue to b/p and hope that tomorrow will be better than today. I know the drinking is bad, but right now I just don't care.
I want to just be numb for a few hours. I'm tired of being so alone in this. Will someone just please lie to me and tell me this will pass and I'll be okay?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

121 and its no Fun..

Today is my sister in law's birthday.
She and her unborn child recently passed away in August. I took it very hard, its always hard when a good person dies for no reason, so unexpectedly. She was six months pregnant, her first baby, my brother's first son. Life was about to happen for them both, instead a pulmonary embolism in her lungs took her from us. We are still devastated.
I got to spend time with my brother yesterday, he came for a visit on his day off. We watched movies and caught up on things. It was a lovely afternoon but I could see that he was sad. It makes me sad to see him hold it all inside, god we're so much alike its funny at times. He's the oldest of my family and I'm the youngest, despite the age difference are mannerisms and attitude are incredibly similar. I've even started hearing recently that we look alike which is news to us both, we laugh quietly to ourselves every time we hear this.
During his visit I was a bit apprehensive, I'm thinner since he last saw me. I caught him giving me a once over at some point from the corner of my eye, I ignored it. He made no mention of the loss and so we continued to not talk about it. Today on his wife's birthday he decided to be alone in his grief, its understandable, I would do the same. Sometimes its all you have, the say in how to be misreable. On Facebook her wall is filled with birthday wishes and prayers, grief stricken family members all in unisom. It makes me cry, how random life is. When it was time for my brother to go, I gave him a big hug, he squeezed me too and rubbed my back. I wonder how my bony shoulder blades must've felt against him?
He was gone and Mia waited in the wings with lax later to end the night. Today 121lbs and still going down, I suspect 120 before the day is over.
Just took supps and water pills, I don't think I'll be b/p today. I get exhausted just thinking about it at all. My head hurts and I'm tired. My knuckes are red and scabbed over, it stings to make a fist. My jaw hurts when I yawn and my eyes are bloodshot red from a popped vessel I suspect. I can't keep going today, I think I may just crawl back in bed to avoid any temptation. Ugh..

 My husband is off and parked on the couch watching football for the next three hours. I think I'll go shower soon so cold! He's brought home plenty of food in hopes of feeding me later, oh and beer! Wish I could hide out somewhere. He's trying to kill me slowly I think, or get killed if he's not careful, death by spork impailment! Of course he would bring the salad that I like.
Its now lunchtime and he's stuffing his face and offering me something every five minutes. I finally got pissed and told him if he fed me I would throw it up, what did he do..nothing. Its like I would've said today is the 24th of October. He is vacant, nothing pierces this man, sometimes I just want to b/p with him here to see if that would do it. He doesn't care is the reality, I'm not to that point yet where its scary to him. I don't matter. I should just drill that into my head already, why can't I just get it?
All I really just want is a protein shake, but I'm so scared to ruin the loss with liquid. I may have to work out straight afterwards if I do decide to drink anything. At least I have no chest pains yet. Today is going to be a long day!
It usually is whenever I decide to kick Mia aside. I hope the inner turmoil will be tolerable. I will try my best to just fast today, I will do everything in my power to shut the voices out. I hope I can do this?
Its not going to be easy, I'm feeling triggered already and sad. God I wish I was a cutter, would that help right about now. I just want to feel something other than this shit!
I'm going to draw a bath and soak in the tub for a few hours, I need to be in utter silence. Have to keep killing hours to make this day go by quicker. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Keep it going

So predictable.
Weight 122lbs..
I knew the minute I went back to Mia I would overcome the plateau. I'm up now and the dreaded 123 is gone. I'm not happy, if anything I'm relieved, but happy? no.
I feel nothing really. Today I will have to continue the ritual, be a slave to it again. I can't stop now, have to keep pushing forward until 120 mark is reached. How can anyone be happy having to be bent over a bowl all day long?
I stare at myself in the mirror and I see no change, I can't even see my collarbone today, where did it go? I hate not being able to trust what is clearly visible in front of me. My eyes are lying to me. I rub my forehead in frustration. The sickness has got me good. The mental anguish of Ed is rooted in my cerebrum. The perception, imagination, thought, judgment, all of it is now short circuited for the illness. This is only going to get worse, its already started. Water, so harmless and pure scares me, I think it will make me gain and so I don't drink it, I really don't drink anything at all these days. Sips here and there but that is as far as I allow it most days. Not enough to rehydrate this thinning body. Now I'm starting to wonder if touching certain foods can make you absorb the fats. Can it seep into my skin?
Can the odor particles get in my airways and bloodstream too?
The mind is a powerful thing, it can kill you if you're not careful. Such dangerous thoughts at times, I fight them off as best I can. I brush my teeth and remind myself to breathe.
I fix my daughter her breakfast, she is very happy today. Cartoons and sugary cereal are going to get her going in a few. My husband sleeps soundly in the bed for now, the alarm will go off soon and he will get ready for work. I will have the house to myself early. I look forward to it. The dark room is so cold. I grab the sweater and tremble. My hands are whiter than usual and my bony fingers are like icicles. My skin feels extra dry, I'll have to keep with the lotion all day. My knee is still acting up, I can't imagine what's the matter now, maybe Motrin later for the pain. Back in the bathroom to fetch the usual concoction to keep me leveled. I take my supps, and water pills. I'm a little nervous today as I just remembered my brother's visit this weekend. I'm not sure if its today or Sunday? I hope its tomorrow, my husband will be off and that's one more person in the room to be distracting, to help keep the conversation flowing as lately I'm running out of things to say. I can't imagine anything I say being remotely interesting these days.
I'm surprised there are so many readers for this blog. I say thank you my lovelies for taking an interest in me. You can comment or ask me anything, please don't be shy.. ツ
I need to get the morning going, the craving has started.
I allow myself a protein shake for energy this morning, I drink this with the handful of colorful pills. I will need all the strength I can muster if I'm to deal with Mia this weekend.

Protein Shake (55 cals)
Now the time goes by and my husband is leaving. I really want to b/p but can't yet, I don't want to purge the supps. Have to be patient.
I took a lax last night, my chest stings a little this morning. I plan to take another one tonight. I was up till 4am back and forth in the darkness. I was not alone though. Had two faithful chaperons to keep an eye on me.

Look I've lost weight too!
I'm going to keep working on the website today, getting the site ready for curious eyes. Most Ed sites now are getting out of hand, so many girls thinking this life is a fad diet and getting caught up in the whirlwind of it. I want to change that, a friend and I have started a better site for Ed girls, one that will not only be for support but education as well. Going to be super productive today and keep it going.
You can preview "Hunger Interrupted" website which is still currently under construction. I'll try to work on it as much as I can this weekend. Please be advised that this is not an actual Pro Ana website, but a site for support for those battling an eating disorder.

Going to finish running some errands and then later try to squeeze a workout in if my knee allows it.
Enjoy the rest of Saturday my lovelies..

New Blog! Follow this new installation of my life. Although, I will be back; here i...