Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
I work today from 5pm to midnight. Lots of training.
I'm a ball of nerves.
I'm not hungry.
Just forced myself to eat 420 calories.
I feel like crying.
My weight is BAD.
I'm officially at the end of my highest maintaining weight. Maximum allowed by me.
Now I'm panicking, I don't want to keep going up.
Food is making my stomach upset, my head hurts and I'm tired.
I haven't had a bm in forever. I can't argue back if someone tells me I'm full of shit today.
I haven't seen my bf in almost three weeks. This new training schedule has me going in nights and weekends. I barely have seen my kid all week, now looks like even less.
I hardly have anyone to watch her for me.
I feel lonely.
I wish I could bp.
I'll workout and see if it helps.
I don't know what will happen today.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
I've survived the storm.
Tropical Storm Isaac knocked my power out for a bit instead of all night. My daughter and I huddled by the window watching the wind gusts blow through trees, and rain drizzle on just about everything.
It was a nice break from what we'd been doing all week which is watch nothing but Hayao Miyazaki films. Ponyo and Princess Mononoke are her favorites.
She thought the storm was exciting and couldn't wait to cut on candles and flashlights. My daughter left with her dad before anything good started to happen
I missed her immediately. I stayed behind with the two cats who were at my heels the whole night.
I had horrible stomach cramps last night which got my anxiety going, I hadn't eaten much during the day and felt weak. I decided to eat something finally helping settle me down.
Lots more rain and wind throughout the night and not much else.
Yesterday I grabbed a huge plastic bag and put away all those small jeans that only enticed me to lose weight.
I was sad to see them go. Having them around in full view is just a constant reminder of how much my body has changed.
Now that I've completed a month of no Bp, I think I should just take it day by day.
No more counting.
This morning is still rainy out but the weather is clearing up gradually.
My knee is feeling better.
I catch up on sleep for most of the day until the phone rings.
The caller Id says CVS.
I answer and at first there is no one on the other end of the line.
I sigh and figure it must the pharmacy's automated service reminding I have refills on my medication that need to be picked up so I wait for the inevitable digital recording to begin.
Instead there's a man on the other end of the line, it's the hiring manager of CVS.
My drug test came back Negative, my background check did too.
I'm hired, for real this time.
I go tomorrow at noon for Orientation, then tomorrow will be my first day of work, I'll be at the store until 5pm.
My baby's Godmother and the Driving force behind this crazy ride I am on is taking me there, as a matter of fact she's the one giving the class and training me.
Wednesday I head back to CVS again.
I'm nervous and excited all in one.
Be careful what you wish for, surprise, surprise you may just get it.
I'm feeling dizzy today and super triggered.
I decide to drink tons of liquids and eat something. I want to feel 100% for tomorrow.
After eating and drinking the guilt sets in.
This is the part I hate, the feeling after I eat.
I know that things are going to change, have to. I need to incorporate food into my daily life if I'm to function as a person for hours on end in public.
I'm just scared.
So many conflicting feelings are running through my head right now.
I wish I could just be happy, I wish my Ed would just go away.
I don't know how to have both a life and an Ed anymore, somethings got to give.
My dear friend went ip today. I won't be hearing from her for 90 days.
I miss her but wish her the very best.
She's smart, funny, well educated and now in the hospital for the 6th or so time. Her Ed has robbed her of life.
I don't want that for myself. I want my life back.
It won't be like I imagine at first, but I'll try to make the most of it.
This part scares me too.
So tomorrow is the big day.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
So CVS is a bust..maybe?
Idk what's going on but I'll give you the latest and see if you can make sense of it.
Here we go, text my friend to see what's going on with Drug Test.
She tells me the manager that was in charge of my hiring, has apparently taken a Vacation.
My friend tells me to call the lab and ask for my results, after I call they obviously tell me that they can't give out that info, if I wanna know then I have to contact Employer.
I relay the news to my friend and she says she's worried, that the silence is killing her.
Oh lordy, Calgon take me away.
I don't know what to make of this, all I can do is feel sorry for myself and cry because I have no idea what in the world is going on, feel like my life is being held hostage.
I feel like Bp, was honestly thinking about just giving up.
I felt like here I was trying to be good and getting my hopes up imagining a different version of my life and for what?
My cats need food and so I head out to Publix with change that I've managed to scuffle up.
It's really hot out.
I have a banana and a shake before I go, I bring water with me to sip along the way.
I'm towing my lil cart and Umbrella for shade.
On the way there I run across three stray cats who are so exhausted from heat they are laying dead center in the sidewalk not bothering to run from my noisy cart.
Nearby is an empty Tupperware bowl which I assume is for food or water. I fill up the rectangular plastic container with ice cold water, this heat is a lot, I can just imagine how thirsty they must be.
I'm in the aisle with the cat food and pondering what brand I can afford, undecided I grab a bag to inspect further, the bag has a huge hole on the bottom and seafood flavored fishes spill everywhere. The sound felt deafening.
My face is red with embarrassment, I grab the next bag on the shelf and high tail it out of aisle 8.
I'm wandering the aisles thinking about bp, should I shouldnt' I?
I grab orange juice and a pack of meat instead, my daughter comes home tomorrow, I'll cook for her instead and fight off these urges for one more day.
I decide to not bp after all.
On my way home I start to feel really flushed, sweat is dripping like a steam from the top of my head, I feel lightheaded and eventually dizzy.
I'm almost home, one more street to cross.
My legs start to buckle under me and everything around me starts to dim, I get scared and sit down immediately on the sidewalk.
I have no more water, it's so hot out.
An Ice cream truck is slowly passing by and suddenly stops in front of me, I slowly raise my head and stare ahead, I can hardly hear the words being uttered by the Ice cream man.
He's asking if I'm okay.
I tell him I feel dizzy, maybe my sugar is low, I don't know exactly.
The kind man hands me a cold soda.
I sip it slowly and feel better immediately. The Ice cream man waits for the color to come back in my face before leaving. He rides along next to me keeping up with my pace. I cross the final street and manage to head home in one piece.
I've had egg beaters today, scrambled with lots of pepper and onion powder.
I eat it very slowly, the minute the meal is done, the panic starts.
Fifteen minutes of turmoil before the full feeling subsides and I'm okay. The food is kept down and everything is fine.
My sister just called a little while ago, there is some bad news.
My nephews father is in the hospital and not doing well at all, we suspect Cancer.
He's kept this illness a secret from the kids, but now I think it's the end.
He's calling to talk to them and is hardly audible.
My nephews are distraught as is my poor sister. Everyone is at a standstill waiting to hear back on his condition.
I tell my sister its time she comes down and the kids say their goodbye in person.
My sister doesn't want to attend his funeral, I tell her I'll go say my goodbyes too, she won't be alone.
Death has always been so profound in my family, seems like every year we lose someone else. You'd think we'd be numb to it but we're not.
My sister and I have always taken it the hardest, I worry for my nephews.
I was a mess after my father died, I wish I could spare them that pain.
So that's it for now, looks like it's going to be a long night, the tears have started already in Orlando, wish I could be there for my family who lives so far away.
Day 25 no bp.
Hope I can make the month.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
I believe school starts Monday.
My daughter's Charter school always does this, they wait until the last possible minute to hand the back to school list, thus me missing tax free week and rushing around at the last minute scavenging for overpriced school supplies.
This year is different because I'm on my own with my kid, no help from my ex husband at all.
I call him this morning to relay the news that school is next week and we have not even so much as a pencil for my daughter.
Our lack of communication is really daunting.
I need my ex to buy my kid's uniforms which are about $75 bucks. I can't afford uniforms, plus school supplies, plus my light bill due in the same week plus the now additional cost of $80 for after school care if I start work next week as well.
I need help.
My ex can at least buy the uniforms since he's not doing a single thing for her schooling.
My ex bitches me out because I woke him up from his sleep. I swear Insomniacs have better manners and we're wired!
So far sleeping and all it entails don't appeal to me. If the alternative is to be a bitchy than no thanks, I'll pass on sleep.
He's not getting her Uniforms now, he may just buy it after the school week starts which just makes me cry.
I hate that I can't provide for my kid like most parents do, you have no idea how inadequate I feel on most days.
I worry about my kid getting picked on, I don't want her to have my childhood of hand me downs or tough luck you're just not getting that this year.
She deserves better than what I had.
To be responsible for someone Else's life is not to be taken likely. Your mistakes resonate.
You are essentially help shaping another person's character.
I won't bore you with much, I'm in a funky mood right now, I'm not even going to work out, just go straight to bed.
My kid gets dropped off and we take a walk and talk.
Right before she came I binged on Cottage Cheese and Yogurt, I ate so much.
I didn't purge it, instead it sits in my distended stomach as a form of punishment I suppose, a new means of torture.
The Anxiety started up and I knew I had to get out the house, so we walked.
Changes will be headed our way very soon, my daughter in after school care and seeing even less of me.
I'll be at work trying my best to be the sole provider, the single parent household.
Our days will be long and our nights short, weekends are for rest.
This will be an adjustment.
My kid seems happy, I need to make this all work somehow.
I'm on day two of not weighing.
Do I like it? No.
It's all I think about.
I feel heavy, I don't want to be looked at.
I wonder how much I've gained?
My eating stinks, it's repetitive and tedious.
I don't know what I consider safe. What can I eat that won't make me wanna rip the remainder of my brittle hair out?
I'm so aware of everything.
I feel ashamed when I manage to finally eat, I find myself doing it in secret more and more.
I feel judged, I want privacy.
My Ed wants Isolation, sometimes I want that too.
I'm worried about working.
I'm having bad thoughts.
There's a huge part of me that thinks working is the perfect excuse to burn calories and not eat, I'm scared to have full blown Anorexia again.
I try to think about working in a better light, maybe it will encourage me to eat, possibly breakfast and maybe partake in Dinner with my kid in the evening.
It's a nice thought that I try to hold onto.
Tomorrow is Open House at school, I hope I can attend. There's a letter that's gone out requesting parents leave their children at home.
I don't have that option, no sitter means she's stuck with me. My ex works and he will never go out his way to change anything.
I've always been the one to rearrange my life for him.
Frankly I'm sick of it, I'm tired of being 90% and everyone else being 10%
Things with my ex and I are bound to get heated soon.
I'm flipping the bill for after school care which means my daughter stays till 6pm at school.
My ex gets her Mondays and Tuesdays all day, I don't know how this will all play out.
I feel like I should be compensated for the missed days that he'll have her.
Maybe I'm just reaching now.
One day at a time, that's all I can do for now.
Well Wednesday was hard, but I've made it.
I'm a bit heavier and kinda sad, but overall here in one bloated piece.
Tomorrow I may have results of Drug Test too, just got a text from my kid's Godmother who is on top of this for me God bless her sweet little heart, she lobby's for me no matter what.
I hope I passed and it's good news all around.
Nite, I has exhaustion.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Today is my Drug Test.
I'm up at 8:30 am and sleepy as ever running on only two hours sleep total from the night before.
I need to start changing my sleeping patterns, staying up late bs-ing online is weighing down on me. Too many timezones to get used to and accommodate.
I need a shower.
I start to call my niece to confirm my ride, to my delight she's up and ready.
She gets to my place late but that's okay because I changed the time to thirty minutes earlier.
I've had coffee this morning and a quick chat with my friend who's asking for my weight. Her's coincidentally is lower and almost to where I said I was last time.
It's a competition, she's trying to be lower than me.
She doesn't care that she triggers me, the Ed in me screams, beat her, we can Win.
There is no prize here except two sick women ruining their lives.
She can win, I forfeit.
I tell her I'm not weighing this week, and I'm hiding the scale.
She's none too pleased, the rest of the conversation is one sided and full of complaints. The whole conversation consists of me boosting her up to do better and be positive, and her getting back down and negative.
I'm so sick of it.
I won't talk to you if you don't have a least one positive thing to say happened in your day Ed related or otherwise.
Enough already, how miserable can you be?
Surely something has gone in your favor, a song on the radio, an early release form work, maybe a quarter in your couch cushion, something anything that says I don't feel like killing myself today.
I'm not the poster child for happiness but shit recognise when you've got a good thing going somewhere.
You're blessed in some aspect of your life that others don't have.
I'm so fed up with ungrateful people lately.
You could be worse off, things can always be worse. I happily end the conversation and go.
I drink water, lots of it and I'm anxious and nervous about my test.
My niece and I arrive shortly after to my Destination, it was really far away, I would've had to walk alot. I'm grateful I didn't have to.
I sign in and sit in the busy waiting room.
Everyone is here for different reasons, some for Paternity tests, others for Drug Tests, some for lab work.
I'm glad I had an appointment, looks like I and another person were the only two who had one, the rest were walk-ins.
I read old back issues of Vogue and Glamour magazines while my niece plays on her smart phone. My stomach starts making noises, instant embarrassment.
I'm called in quickly and handed a large cup, I'm supposed to fill a little of it.
There is no one who watches me, I'm on my own. If I needed to fake this test I could have and no one would've been the wiser.
I awkwardly place the cup and pee into it.
My Urine is very yellow today.
I clean the cup off and head back into exam room 2.
The lab tech marks my pee and tells me it's no good, I'm just shy off the fill up point.
Great, I knew this would happen.
I worry about this test getting rescheduled, but instead he shoos me off to the water fountain and tells me to drink lots of water and come back when I'm ready, maybe even in an hour.
I drink loads of water, I feel like I'm water logging before a weigh in.
I sit in the waiting room with my niece and we catch up, it's nice. I always love being around my family, I can always be myself around them, I have no need to walk on egg shells or be on my best behavior with them, they just get me.
We start talking about hair, seems hers is falling out too maybe this new diet she's on. She would love to fix my hair sometime, I'd like that. I hate my hair especially lately since it's been falling out quicker than usual. I feel so self conscious about it all the time. This doesn't help my non existent self esteem.
Today is a bad body image day for me. My clothes are baggy and I don't care to be looked at. I didn't weigh this morning and it's messing with me. It's for the best I know, why does it feel so wrong. I'm scared to get on it next week and see a huge gain, I can't trust what I see or what others say to me.
I wish I could change that.
I look at all the models in the magazines, it's practically Thinspo at this point.
God I will never come close to being a third of these women.
I sigh heavily and rub my forehead in frustration.
After ten minutes I feel like I have to go, there is a line at the front desk and everyone is upset bout the long wait, I start to do the pee pee dance in the corner trying to get the Nurse's attention, I really have to go now.
I'm told to go inside and handed another large cup. This time I make good.
My pee is really clear but I don't care, there has to be some traces of Urine in that cup even if it is mostly water.
I fill out some forms and in 48hrs I should have my results back, maybe I won't have to wait till Saturday to hear back from the CVS manager after all.
I can go home afterwards.
My niece is a new car, her dad's old Jetta
I tell her we should catch the new Batman movie when she gets a few extra dollars to spare, she agrees.
My Older brother mentioned last night he wanted to go shoot pool on Saturday with me, I love pool.
I can't because I have no sitter, but I'd love nothing more than to be in a smoke filled bar drinking beer from a pitcher and hitting balls with much gusto.
I miss my old life, a time where this was the norm, to be out around people, to dance in clubs, shoot pool, stay out late and just be worry free for a few hours.
Wishful thinking or premenopausal?
I have to re certify for my benefits, my niece was kind enough to take me there too.
I thought all I had to do was make copies and drop it off, boy was I wrong.
The place is packed with people.
There are so many people who just get to this country and immediately head here. They get instant benefits. So many people walking around with the latest clothes and IPhones.
As I wait in a line for the copy machine, I wonder where is the line for the IPhone?
The copy machine used to be simple, go load the paper make your copies, the end.
Nope not anymore, I'm scolded immediately because now they've appointed a rather vulgar woman as the copy person, her sole purpose is to bark at you for not knowing this and to make copies for instead, the stupid machine even has a password.
I actually got bitched at twice, once for using the machine unknowing of it's secret password, and second because my papers had staples in them and that's just a big ol no no.
Finally after much delay I'm done, I drop off the papers and can go.
My niece waits for me and we catch up some more before I'm dropped off back home.
I talk with my sister for a bit and them my boyfriend.
The house is so cold and quiet. I feel really sad.
I'm debating bp but shouldn't. I don't even know why I would even do it at this point, it wouldn't solve a single problem only exasperate them.
I haven't had a bowel movement in days.
I have suppositories, there better for me than pill lax which make me sick and lead me to binge on them for days on end. Guess two should do it.
I sleep for a few hours afterwards. I don't don't want to wake up, but there are people who I talk to who will worry so for them I get up.
I've just had some yogurt and cottage cheese and feel like shit. I'm so full it's making me sad.
Webcamming with my sister doesn't help my mood, or talking with my mates.
I'm going to bed again. I fear staying up will lead to bad things and of course Insomnia. My Insomnia feels like a bad Ambien trip.
I find myself trying to do all sorts of things I shouldn't.
Hope you all are well. Tomorrow's another day to do it all differently.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Friday, August 10, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
13 days no bp.
1 more day and I will officially make two weeks.
I had a fiber bar this morning, didn't have enough time for coffee, I was running late to see the manager for CVS.
After walking 10 blocks in the heat, I arrive at the CVS parking lot where I quickly changed my flip flops into heels and wore a black blazer over my white tee and blue jeans.
Going against my sister's wishes I wanted to be more casual, she insisted I go all out, but I explained to her I'd already had my initial interview, this was all just specifics.
I meet the Manager in his little office tucked away in the side of the store and he's all smiles.
My application is looked up and I pass all the boring screening questions, he tells me my schedule is fine, I get weekends off and I work mornings, perfect.
We make a joke or two and it eases the tension.
I'm given the consent form to the Drug test. I have to make an appointment and then I can start work as soon as next week.
I get home sweaty and tired.
In the shower, I start thinking ahead about what it would be like to work, I get anxious.
I'm nervous, it's been a long time since I've last been in the workplace, I'm also thinking about my performance, this will be an entirely new line of work for me, I don't want to screw this up.
Baking always helps calm my nerves, so that's what I start to do.
I make a brownie infused with chocolate chip cookies concoction whilst I wait for my boyfriend to arrive.
Once he's here I calm down some as I have someone to share my fears with.
He makes my appointment for the lab, the next available is Monday.
The Manager wants me to give him a ring on Saturday.
The lab is 4 miles away. I have to walk this.
I had a piece of Chicken today and a lil serving of brown rice, not a lot mind you but enough.
I felt full immediately and triggered to go purge.
Instead I lay on the couch and caught Big Brother. The feeling passes and I feel better. I kept it down and I'm okay.
My sister's birthday was today, I wish I could be celebrating with her. Hope I get to see her before Summer ends.
My daughter comes home tomorrow afternoon. I miss her a lot.
My friend is being sent back to Ip. I feel bad for her, but there's nothing I can do for her, we all have to help ourselves get better.
To my new friend Jess, I love this unexpected friendship we've formed and wished you lived closer.
We'll talk real soon, I have to figure out a way with the long distance and all.
So that's it for now, I'm going to unwind with the boyfriend, hope you all are well.
Here's hoping for another day bp free.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
CVS is a success?
I called early this morning for a follow up, tomorrow at 1pm I head over there and fill out forms and consents to drug and background checks.
I'm happy a little but still weary.
Afterwards I have to walk to Child Support, it is oh so far away and boy is it hot outside.
I drink coffee and have a fiber bar, I'm anxious but full of meds.
Day 12 is here and it's okay. I had a very triggering conversation earlier with someone, it's stupid really and I should know better by now but whatever I'm over it. I can't get sucked into nonsense anymore or I'll just make myself sicker.
I will make a month, I don't care what I gotta do.
Despite that I have things to do that only I can, so umbrella in tow off I go!
Off on my merry way, these feet of mines can tell you tales, I've got sole.
Goodnight all, early to bed for me. I've got high hopes for tomorrow.
Day 13, a Monkey's birthday, my sweet love visits and possible employment?
There's never too much of good thing.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Last night after my daughter gets picked up I felt too tired to continue on with the day.
I don't particularly like sleeping pills but there are the rare occasions where I might pop em.
Case in point, last night.
My Dr. has prescribed me Trazodone, I'm allowed two 50mg pills.
It slipped my mind that this new doc told me they now come in 100mg doses, so instead of two I can take just the one.
Last night I pop two 100mg pills and didn't realise it until about 3pm today when I wake up.
My boyfriend, sister and friends leave me messages and emails wondering oh where oh where has Lou gone??
Special urgency today on account of last night's depressing Vlog which I apologize for by the way.
I know I'm prone to little suicidal thoughts here and there but rest assured I won't act on it.
I slept at lest 12-13 hours total.
I awake with a full on headache, my body sore and full of aches. If this is a result of sleep then I quit. I don't know how you sleeping folks do it, lay there for hours..
Maybe it's the Insomnia talking now, but geesh!
I'm okay now, sorta.
It's day 11 of no b/p and I'm not that upbeat but allowed myself food, er..something.
I had a Fiber 1 bar and a powdered Meal replacement shake which I made with Diluted milk. In total I've had close to 350 calories or so, I'm guessing, it could be less but I'm being generous here.
I weighed again.
I know, I know..step away from the scale miss, no sudden movements!
The scale is total bullshit.
It's like I'm in an abusive relationship, I get smacked around every morning by the scale and keep coming back despite every one's pleas to leave it behind.
I'm scared to not weigh, it's an obsession too.
Obviously what it says is a lie, but my disordered thinking would have me believe otherwise.
I decided to Google questions about what happens to your body after you stop Bp.
Here's what I've found, brace yourselves you may cry like I did.
“Why have I gained so much weight in bulimia recovery?”
Well this could be for a number of reasons:
Mistaking water retention and initial bloating for weight gain - Most people experience “the recovery bloat” at the start of recovery. It can last anywhere from a few days to a month while your body adapts to digesting food properly.
Being underweight at the start of recovery - Most bulimics are not underweight, but those who are will have to accept some “needed” weight gain
Still being in the earlier stages of recovery - It can take around 6 months for weight fluctuations to stop so for a time it may look like you’re gaining weight in recovery but this will even out.
Still struggling with frequent binges at the start of recovery - Some people who find it harder to stop binging at the start may experience greater weight fluctuations at first but again this is only temporary.
And one of the biggest reasons...
Continuing to restrict food in recovery - continued restriction means that your metabolism can not start working properly, this keeps your body in a distressed hunger state and means it will try to store the food you eat rather than using it as energy.
So often we can convince ourselves that bulimia causes weight loss but in many ways restricting can actually cause the opposite to happen.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Today makes one complete week that I've been Bulimia free.
It feels like a vacation of sorts, today I'm really happy. I feel accomplished, I think I have a chance to beat this.
I feel bad for one of my friends who's having an incredibly hard time right now fighting her own battle against Mia, my thoughts and prayers go out to her.
I know it's hard to stop but sometimes you just have to, you have to fight, be your own biggest supporter, no one can get better for you, no one can change but you.
My next goal would be to complete a month. I'm also trying to find safer ways to help get my bowels going. Laxatives are still another obstacle that I have to overcome.
I can do this, it just takes the mindset and the willingness to do so.
I don't know what I can take or eat to help me, the eating part is still hard for me to pull off. Right now I'm sticking to a lot of liquids and foods I know will not upset my stomach too much. It's hard to find things I deem safe. This is all still new to me.
This morning I wake up and weigh, I'm in shock that my weight hasn't gone up after eating a full plate of food and even dessert yesterday.
This gives me hope that eating or even restricting can be possible. I'm in a good mood.
Today my boyfriend and I decide it's a good day to take the kids to the park. It's hot outside but the kids are all excited.
The park is a good distraction from Ed, he's been quiet all day and that's just how I like it.
Big Brother is off the chain today. It's one shocker after another.
I and the rest of America voted to let the Coaches back in the game and of course I'm Team Janelle all the way. She's considered one of the best players of the series but hasn't won yet, maybe this will be her year.
I'm calling CVS next week to follow up about the job, I got some news on it today. I think I may start working soon.
Tomorrow day 8, let's see how it goes.
Wish me luck.
Today is Day 6 and it's a long one.
I'm feeling tired, bloated, my stomach hurts and I'm nauseous.
My boyfriend is here which is great, I've eaten today and even had dessert.
Now I'm blogging to get distracted. I may need a shower. I don't want to purge, just want to make this full feeling go away.
I can't weigh myself or that would just make everything worse.
I'm really anxious now and I feel guilty for eating but I know this is better than the alternative.
After my Shower which helped nothing, I lay in bed with my boyfriend and he gives me a massage, it feels nice. He wishes he could do more for me.
His massage distracts me for the moment. Ed is quiet and thoughts of calories and numbers are gone.
Earlier today, well all of today my stomach gurgles in protest. I rub my boyfriends belly and hear his own stomach making noises, I like it. Makes me feel less self conscious and a bit normal like that noise happens to everyone and not just me because I can't properly digest food.
A noisy stomach is triggering to me, I hate it. My stomach sounds like there is a small monster gestating in there.
I want to say thank you to everyone who's been leaving comments on Blogger and every other little social site I'm on, I appreciate the support and encouragement.
Six days is not much but as I'm writing this it's now day 7 and that equals a week.
My first Mini Goal is done.
My next Goal will be to complete the Month, if I can manage to not bp for a complete month then I think I will be okay.
I don't know exactly where all of this is taking me, but it has to be a better place in my life than where I was before.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Today is day 5, and that means more days ahead where I have to fight off Ed.
I slept most of yesterday away when I wasn't walking around town trying to keep busy.
I stayed up all night talking to my boyfriend and distracting myself further from the thing the screams at me every minute of the day.
I made four days and then into the wee hours of the next day it became Day 5.
I make up for my nocturnal abundance by sleeping in till almost 3pm. I smile as I awake thinking of something my boyfriend said last night, he's someone who has no difficulty sleeping, he loves it lol. Lately as I've been noticing myself sleeping more, he's actually sleeping less, so my first thought was this, its the Universe's way of balancing things out, he looses sleep and I gain it.
I have nothing of importance to do today except pick up my meds which I do two hours later. It's warm out and cloudy like it wants to rain but doesn't.
When I get home, I take my meds and Miralax because I haven't had a bowel movement in a week.
The sweet neighbor down the hall who's Son is running for some kind of political chair in Miami gives me Men's clothing, she thinks my boyfriend is my Husband, I blush with embarrassment at her assumption and kindly accept the gift.
I head to the laundry to give em another washing even though they really don't need it. She reassures me that they are washed twice.
I just need to get out the house because well, if I'm home alone and I'm obviously triggered today, Bp can be avoided.
My nemesis is working today, the Evil laundromat Man, or MomJeans man is more like it.
I start the wash and read my Book which is so good by the way. I love the character Lisbeth Salander, she is brilliant.
It's already after 6 and almost closing time, the dryers on the outside are all occupied but one, I load my clothes and pop in two quarters, the Dryer doesn't start up.
I sigh heavily because now I have to bother MomJeans man.
He is mopping the Laundromat floor and ignores my query at first before I repeat to him a second time that the dryer seems to be busted.
He reluctantly puts the mop aside before walking very slowly mind you to me.
His mom jeans make swooshing sounds as the fabric from his thighs cause friction rubbing against each other.
"Give me another quarter and I'll show you the problem." He doesn't even look at me, he just barks.
I don't have another quarter I tell him.
MomJeans man sucks his teeth and walks away as if that settled anything, I stand there astonished and my face slowly turns Crimson in perpetual anger.
There is a man folding his clothes outside witnessing our odd exchanges and he and I lock looks for a mere moment, he shakes his head and sighs heavily.
All I can do is point to the empty place where my Nemesis stood.
The kind man gives me two quarters and I try again.
The dryer starts up without fail, so this busted dryer takes three quarters instead of one or two. I would complain but they won't be fixing that anytime soon, why fix something that trumps people into more money.
I settle down, I sit on the now empty folding table and continue to read my book, I get lost in the story imagining the Characters and the gorgeous scenery that is Sweden.
I'm used to Sweden and all it's Charm thanks to my love of Trance music, aka "Basshunter." Almost all of my youth was spent inside of one Night Club after another, there I fell in love with House, Dance, Trance, Hardstyle and Hardcore Music. To this day that doesn't change.
The good ol days where the drugs, women, men, booze and music were plentiful and where a Vibrant Lou played till the sun came up and sometimes longer.
Sorry for the Detour, but yea I have plenty of visuals for the current book.
Sweden is a beautiful Country and the book just makes me reminiscence about it all.
Finally the dryer buzzes and I'm able to go back home, after I put the clothes away I start to bake.
I have very ripe bananas that mustn't go to waste, Banana bread it is.
I've already had today a Homemade shake made with water, a bag of Cuban crackers and plenty of diet Soda, I feel full so forgo tasting the bread.
I marinate ribs and pork for tomorrow's meal that my Boyfriend and kids' will eat. I don't think I'll be having any of that.
Maybe I'll just stick to the shakes for now.
The problem is every time I eat or drink something, I become utterly aware that my weight goes up, I know it will go back down as it digests and possibly gets burned off with exercise but at the moment the opposite goes through my head.
The Miralax starts to kick in slowly and I worry about how long this will take. My period starts too. I'm both glad and mad it's on.
I'm now on day 6 as I write this, my mini goal is to make a week no bp.
Thanks to everyone who's been supportive of me, I love you and appreciate it.
My good friend I think is giving me the cold shoulder, we were trying the week of no bp together but so far she's been caving in to behaviors.
She's been talking to me less.
Normally I jump to bad conclusions, not only in Ed matters but you know something with anyone. I always assume the worst of others.
My old Therapist was teaching me to look past that, so I've taken her lesson to heart and will assume that my friend's cold shoulder is because she feels like she's triggering and doesn't want me to fail, so she'll kindly support me from afar.
So Day 6 now..
This is getting harder but I won't give up, no not yet.
Day 6, here we go.