Monday, November 26, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Happy Thanksgiving all.
I'm officially on Holiday at my sister's house.
I'm sad to report that I've been bp and taking laxatives too.
This fuckin ED doesn't take a day off.
I miss my cats and my boyfriend.
Tomorrow shopping and a birthday cake for my kid.
I'll vlog ok guys.
I'm so sorry for being so absent.
I feel very boring lately I want to spare you all.
I'll be back with a vengeance soon I promise.
I love you all take care.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Today I had training for the final aspect of my job that was missing.
I felt good finally being able to understand what everyone else knew.
I still have one more training course next Tuesday in the morning which would be fine except I work later for 8 or so hours.
I'm feeling really stretched here.
I had a meeting with my kid's teacher. She was very insistent on seeing both me and my ex.
I made it just in time.
As I'm exiting my daughter's godmother's car, I see my ex across the street watching with too much interest.
My friend drives off and my ex crosses the street, the first words out his mouth are
"Is that, that fucking guy!"
This dickhead doesn't get it.
I don't owe him any explanations.
He should be worried about his kid, not my boyfriend.
The meeting with the teacher is not good.
My kid is having trouble with Grammar.
She can read, it's just the writing that's giving her trouble.
The teacher wants my ex and I to "join forces" in order to help my kid do better in school.
We hardly speak let alone do anything else.
By the end of the meeting I felt like a horrible parent, helpless without a solution.
I wish I had a quick fix for this but that's not possible, that's not how it works.
We're going to have to work at this, things have to change.
Being a working Mom has it's drawbacks. I'm tired all the time, my ED doesn't help either. Most days I just want to watch an episode of Charmed on Netflix and have a glass of wine before bed.
Me time is scarce.
I feel like I have a lot on my plate sometimes.
I know it could be worse and at one point in time it was, so I just have to take a deep breath and remind myself that this year is different and good.
This is a test, a trial. Obstacles are set in front of me and only I can overcome them.
I'm throwing an early birthday for my kid tomorrow at her school.
I baked a chocolate cake and have mini muffins for her classmates. I would have more but I don't have a car so what's available is all I can muster.
My daughter is excited of course she gets to celebrate her birthday three times.
The pretend one at school, another inpromtu at my sister's house next week, and then her actual birthday on Monday.
I see my boyfriend tomorrow too.
I'm happy about that.
I've been so lonely lately. I'm not used to distance in a relationship.
Missing someone and only seeing them once or twice a week is hard on my heart.
My feet hurt from so much walking and standing.
I'd love Peridot to knit me fuzzy inserts for my shoes as she suggested. I'm sure they'd keep me warm in the pharmacy.
The cold is not my friend. I'm cold all the time.
I'm solely existing off of meal replacement shakes. I tried to eat last night, just some crackers with pb and by the time morning rolled around I felt sick to my stomach.
I ended up forcing myself to expel whatever it was making me queasy.
Turns out it was what I ate, undigested.
I had two shakes today and felt nauseous again. I took a Zantac after long hours of enduring, I don't know what happened but suddenly I was stuck with the Hiccups for an hour straight.
So that's it, I'm off to bed to try and sleep.
I only managed to sleep for thirty minutes yesterday.
My Insomnia is horrible.
Hope you all are well.
Monday, November 12, 2012
I apologize for being such a lousy blogger lately.
The truth is I've been too busy with work, and homework even.
My kid had a project that's due Tuesday, she's suppose to draw a logo from a stadium here in Miami. It also counts as an Art grade.
So many things for one little Lou to do.
I have a meeting with her teacher on Thursday.
My ex called me last week at work no less and bitched me out on the phone because the teacher called his attention about my kid talking too much.
The pregnant pain in the ass teacher also made stupid remarks like "I only see the mother on Fridays where she picks up her daughter and leaves; the mother needs to take more of an interest in school" or some shit.
More of an interest?
Who do you think does all of these projects and things her dad? I think not.
Just cus I'm there when the bell rings everyday after school doesn't make me a bad parent.
I wish the pregnant pain in the ass would just go on maternity leave already.
I want to say Thank you to Sarah for knitting me a lovely cowl. It's beautiful!
It's also kept me warm today at work when I needed it the most.
I also want to say sorry to her, she's lost a dear friend. I'm so sorry honey, my prayers are with you and yours.
I hope God gives you strength to get through this trying time.
Work is hectic.
This week I'm working 10hr shifts, although today was actually 11hrs on my feet, no breaks. The only time I actually sat down was twice when I went to the bathroom.
Tomorrow is another long day, 10hrs.
I don't know how long this will go on for, but I hope not long.
I'm freezing in the Pharmacy, I dress in layers and sweaters and still my fingers are numb and my hands too. I'm always cold.
Stick in the ass is on vacation until the end of the month.
At least there's a silver lining after all.
I've lost three of the five pounds I gained.
My ED is very loud lately. I've been eating way less, well actually I'm living off of meal replacement shakes, coffee and water.
I'm taking my meds and supplements regularly which is good. The new dosage of my depression med is coming along. I don't feel all over the place so far, no uncontrollable crying fits either.
Any sadness I experience is mere loneliness or self loathing for my body.
I have more anxiety than I care for, but that's something I just have to work through.
Eating anything scares me. I wish I could just have a meal and not panic afterwards. Feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.
If you were to ask me 'Do you see yourself recovering from this?' my answer would be I just don't know anymore.
Most days I try to eat, but minutes later I purge everything.
The feeling of emptiness comforts me, like my slate has been cleaned. A fresh start.
The only problem is that with every failed attempt, I'm getting sicker and sicker.
I've started to feel dizzy again, it comes and goes.
I feel so isolated and cut off from everything. I could go all day without talking.
I just feel like there is nothing for me to say.
I walk around at work, float here and there, busy busy busy, not really there even, detached from everyone. I'm not being myself (
The worse I feel, the worse my ED gets.
I had an appointment with Housing, I was nervous about that too, I brought all the necessary paperwork. They don't start processing anything until December. I'll hear back from them then. They'll tell me if my rent goes up.
I go on vacation next week to see my sister. I'm happy to get a break from everything for a few days. I'm not looking forward to the cold nights up there but that's what layering, jackets, scarves, and cute cowls are for, oh and furry boots!
I'll be cooking all the time I'm there, Thanksgiving trimmings and birthday things.
Hope I get a break from ED that week too.
My daughter's birthday is November 26, 8yrs old very soon.
She wants to cut a cake at school with her classmates. I work so much this week, time will be tight. I think I can manage a quick Happy birthday on Friday at her school, but I have to check with pregnant pain in the ass and see what she thinks.
My boyfriend and I are trying to make more time to see each other.
My hectic unpredictable work schedule, plus his own schedule are cutting into us time.
We make the most of our time together and that's what counts I reckon, Quality not Quantity.
We'll be hitting that seven month mark in a few days (happiest 7 months in my heart)
Time is speeding by, soon the year will be gone again.
I'm headed to bed. Hope you all are well and staying strong.