Friday, April 29, 2016


I decided not to send my kid to school today.
She's done with tests this week and will even have a substitute teacher and no real curriculum, surely she can miss a day. Her dad pulls this stunt all the time, there even came a point not too long ago where she missed practically every Monday!
My internal clock of course started going off at 5am. I'm used to getting up at 6am everyday for work so sleeping in is a foreign concept for me.
I woke up with the best intentions to work on my novel today but instead found myself napping until noon.
The truth is I've written myself into a corner. I keep reading the chapter from the beginning and it's of no help. I actually hate everything. That's the problem isn't it?
If I can't find anything redeeming about the chapter then how can I possibly continue forward.
I found an outline I came up with a few months back and that didn't help matters either. I had high hopes for this opus of mines.
You have no idea how frustrated I am, how disappointed I am with myself.
That's just my Novel life that's gone awry, my real life is in shambles too.
Novel life? Real life? Confused are you?
As the lovely Anais Nin once put it "We write to taste life twice."
I have lots of voices in my head, and none of them know what the fuck they're talking about. I'm surrounded by idiots.
In my real life I'm exhausted from my meaningless job. Counting pills and answering the same questions from the same people day in and out is slowly driving me insane.
Getting up at 6am every morning is tiring. The long hot hour drive in my car during the crowded morning commute is dreadful.
You never realized your distaste for other human beings until you're late for work.
In all fairness I've been driving  slow these days keeping it under 50mph, one of my tires is bad so steering wheel shakes on misshapen tire rotation. Hauling ass just doesn't feel the same.
Once I arrive at work and say hello to the same coworkers at the same time with their same sleepy lifeless expressions is just the prelude to the day. I get asked by front store cashier A. or B. or any other 4 interchangeable people, "What time are here today till?"
I get asked this ALL the time. Now come on lady or man depending on what day it is, You see me here all the time at the same time as you, does this not answer your question??
I slowly and sadly walk all the way to the back of the store towards the  Pharmacy where my awkward doom awaits me.
The Dragon.
The Dragon and I are at a bit of a tiff.
See I'm still pissed at her for writing me up for not going to work that one Sunday, although I did call her and tell her that. Suddenly it's my fault that she can't find coverage. Back in my day when I was once a store manager, if one of my employees didn't show up for a shift,then that meant I would have to drag my ass out of bed and catch the train to work. Nowadays you get written up and your manager bitches and complains but doesn't cover a shift on their day off.
So there's an awkwardness that's been lingering in the pharmacy ever since then. She felt awkward having to bring up my attendance performance, and I just hate her guts for being a twenty something, spoiled little mama's girl and annoying twit.
We hardly have conversations anymore or look at each other.
On Monday I didn't hate her guts as much and so work was busy but bearable.
Tuesday was the same, plus we had other people as buffers. BUFFERS are great because we can talk to each other without having to really talk.  We use the buffers as a common thing to listen to instead of each other.

On Wednesday it was decent. I got to work with my new coworker who's replacing someone whose moving to Minnesota.
My new coworker is nice, so far, I mean he's still new, give it time and bitterness and he can develop into an asshole. I think working in the pharmacy just ruins you. Dealing with overly or under medicated people is the bane of my existence.
I've never known even that there are degrees of hate within oneself. You can hate customers on so many levels, it's like Dante's inferno of your soul. There are the people who piss you off, there are those who annoy you, the ones that offend you, and the ones you wish you could physically assault, the dumb ones, the snobs.
I could go on and on about this all night but I'm too sober for that shit.
So back to what I was saying about the new guy...
 He's a bit overwhelmed at all the multitasking you have to do. I mean, I answer the phone, answer the idiot in front of me who's asking which aisle the yogurt is in, type electronic prescriptions and count 60 pills all in the span of three minutes.
Anytime I help him out with something he pats my back as if I've just saved him from certain doom, or hey saving him from an actual real life Dragon we currently have in the pharmacy.
I think he'll be okay.
I was scrolling through emails when I opened one that was very recent and from Dragon of all people.
We have a site at work where you can award points to coworkers for deeds and such, you then use said points to buy overly priced junk. I'm personally saving for a Vacuum cleaner or fancy blender.
Well she awarded me points for being accountable ( a joke considering she wrote me up for the exact opposite) and for labeling the whole pharmacy which was way outdated.

I thought that was decent of her, maybe one day soon I could forgive her, learn from this and move on.
I haven't been doing so good with eating. Been living of coffee and water this week with an occasional banana. I finally had some soup and even a bit of pasta today. My stomach feels wonky. I regret any meal or food I keep down. The feeling to purge is still very real, moving around or accidentally bending down can make food come back up all on its own.
My tooth has been hurting more and more, I think I have another week or so before I have to go back in for a checkup. I'm dreading going because well that means I have to pay more on the $1,500.00 balance. I'm trying to stretch this out as much as I can, as long as I can.
I managed to workout once this week. Wasn't for very long but its better than being a potato.
I'm stuck in a rut. I wish I wasn't so pressed for time. Tomorrow is my last day off, I have to run errands, I just want to nap.
I wish there were two or three of me to help out. I'm pooped, Jesus take the bloody wheel.
My Novel life stinks.
I should be writing but my brain is fried after work. Coherent thoughts are a thing of yesteryear.
I don't know how to fix this chapter, do I just stick to the outline? I like outline but that may actually just end up asking more questions than it answers thus prolonging novel and adding more chapters. I want to be done with this book already, I'm so close, why can't I just finish?
I should workout more but I don't see the point. I should go out more but people.
So you see it's much of the same for me everyday.
Nothing exciting happening to me anytime soon. Nothing to see here folks, move along.
Now I will pop a Motrin, a Xanax and take my ass to sleep. I'm drained and dull. Those are D's I've never too much cared for.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Thinking out loud

Well Lu here you are again.
You're getting drunk and sleeping on the couch.
Congratulations, you're officially a loser.
History repeats itself.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Open Wide

The Dentist.
I found out the hard way what are the many drawbacks of a life with an eating disorder.

I cracked a tooth about a year ago, it's on the upper right, second to last molar. It is just a crack, the rest of the molar is still intact.
 Life with a cracked molar became bearable. I knew all the safe foods and never to chew on that side unless absolutely necessary. At some point the sharp pains started more frequently. Then they wouldn't stop.
 I didn't have health insurance at the time so I didn't take care of the problem. Most days I could get by just fine, then there were others where it was very evident that this will bite us in the ass one day.
Until recently I've been having horrible tooth aches, like I said, I could manage and avoid if I wasn't eating which is all I do or rather don't do these days, then the tooth ache isn't even a problem.
One weekend was absolutely dreadful, so much so I called out of work on Sunday. The Russian pharmacist was working that day, she advised that I also call Dragon and let her know. They both were none too happy but there was no way I was going to do 6 hours at the pharmacy with a throbbing tooth and wicked headache.
I tried to find coverage but my coworker was out of town. Sundays are usually slow so there really isn't a need for a technician there.
The bigger issue wasn't work, it was the horrible tooth ache. 
Being that it was Sunday, there weren't many Dentist offices open. I had a really hard time trying to find one. I've lost two teeth already, I didn't want to lose another. I could have gone to the local hospital's ER but they'd just pull the tooth out and send send me on my way. 
Thanks to Obama I'm forced to have Health Insurance wether I can afford the thing or not. I have Dental and even Vision in addition to that good ol regular insurance with a high deductible that will take you years to pay off.
My wages get garnished biweekly anyways, I might as well use it.

I was scheduled for work Monday at noon, Dragon told me to come in at 1pm because  I told  her I would be seeing a dentist first thing in the morning.
All seemed like it was going to be a quick resolve, all that was missing was choosing a dentist nearby.
In the morning I found a Dentist near me, I didn't have an appointment so I had to wait a bit, after 20 minutes or so I was finally called by the receptionist only to be told that they didn't take my insurance.
I'm wasting daylight, how can I find a dentist, fix my tooth and return in time to work an 8 hour shift?
The answer is you can't.
I managed to find a dentist in my Network of doctors, it was near my house. 
As I started to drive to more fancier zip codes it occurred to me that this was a Dentist, no I mean like a real expensive proper sort of Dentist, not only that but I'm terrified. I haven't been good to my teeth and years of Bulimia's wrath will show. 
Once again I have no appointment so I have to sit.
"Are you in much pain?" the young receptionist asks with dare I say sincerity in her eyes? 
Hmm, yes she is at that honeymoon phase of your life when you still like your job and strive to be helpful and do your best. Poor thing. 
I nod my head and she begins to enter my information in the computer.
I'm in luck, someone has cancelled their appointment.
I'm introduced to McMolar DDS.
His first question to me is "When's the last time you saw a dentist?"
I can vaguely recall when I had my wisdom tooth removed but it wasn't more than a few years? 
McMolar is none too pleased with my teefus. Him mad. 
I get a lecture, something about something, I don't know, he's going on and on about my teeth, good lord. I'm here for a tooth not the rest of the lot.
Meanwhile I'm taking a look around the tiny torture chamber, I see McMolar has a tray with shiny pointy miniature hooks and sickles. There are suction tubes to steal your fluids and a spotlight overhead for Interrogation I can only assume.
 My God there's even propaganda on the walls! A little family unit with bright white smiles. The little boy clinging to his Father's back disturbs me, his father's hand grabs his with much might, almost looks like the kid's being dragged to the Dentist and getting Invisalign wether he likes it or not.
I'm with you kid, get me outta here.
Finally McMolar breaks the news to me after my Xrays. Looks like I need a Root Canal.
Root Canals are painful, it hurts your mouth and your bank account. 
I wanted to save the tooth so this had to happen. I had a bad tooth infection to boot which most likely was the catalyst to all of this.

McMolar injected my gums with his rather long syringe. I was numb. He tried his best to save my tooth but it was too late. He had to pull my tooth out. He gave me an estimate on what it would cost to pull tooth, replace with a bridge and crown.
Two thousand dollars. I would have to deplete about 75% of my savings for this. I was crushed. I really thought this would be the year where I could let my savings grow, where I could make future plans or had a bailout in case of an emergency, instead right back out it goes, pfft and we're only in April for crying out loud.
McMolar struggled and struggled before finally yanking the large tooth out. Blood and Pus poured out of the opening. His assistant shakes her head in disbelief that someone could be walking around in this state for so long.
Next came more novacane because I was starting to feel things.
His assistant worked on the bridge and making me temporary crowns to stay in until my extraction site heals.
McMolar stitched me up. My gum tissue was very infected and so he had to stitch higher above the site and sew into the healthy tissue.
I was left in her care while he attended to another patient. The woman kept cracking the temporary crowns and bridge. When she finally managed to cement it in place I thought that would be the end of this. 
McMolar came over to inspect her handy work and disapproved. Apparently on one of her botched attempts to seal it on my teeth she managed to pull all of the stitches out.
This meant more novacane and more stitches.
It was awful, I regretted and still do my decision to see a Dentist.
Meanwhile in another part of town Dragon was waiting for me to show up to work. She kept texting and calling me. I'm upside down in a chair of horrors, lady do you think I'll be out of here anytime soon?
By the time they were done it was so late. My mouth throbbed endlessly, I could hardly form cohesive sentences without drooling. Nonetheless I drove to work and got there at almost 8pm (we close at 9). 
I came rushing to work thinking there was a line to the door of patients, phones ringing "You have one pharmacy call, two pharmacy calls." Instead she had a floater and things were under control?
What was the sudden urge to have me there?
Can you believe this Dragon? I was useless of course, everything hurt and talking was not working either. I stayed till closing and left at 9pm on the dot not bothering to say anything to her or walk with her to the dark parking lot.
I was in so much pain, the Vicodin prescribed did nothing but keep me up.
The next day my face was swollen, I looked like a hamster hoarding food in its cheeks.

When I got to work at 8am, Dragon had a chat with me about my attendance. I missed Sunday and so she wrote me up, it will be in my employee file always. I was and still am mad. I had a Dr.s note for Monday so she couldn't say a thing to me about that, its not as if I'm lying, the sheer sight of me was enough confirmation.
The rest of the week was very awkward working with her and the russian too. 
The russian because she's a little snitch. She should be the one talking to me about Sunday.
So now there's a weird rift between us which reminds me of our earlier days in the pharmacy.
I saw McMolar again for a checkup on Thursday. He scheduled a periodontal cleaning for the following week. He took further Xrays of my teeth and then sat down to break my heart.
He told me that my bottom teeth were going to fall out soon, there was hardly any bone. My teeth resembled eroded rock formations found in the Grand Canyon.
I needed more root canals, bridges and crowns or dentures even.
I've destroyed my smile, not that it was nice or anything to begin with, but I need them  for chewing and stuff.
I couldn't hold back my shock at just how damaged they were, I started to cry.
Another rather sweet assistant came over to see what was the matter.
To fix all of this damage would require another 2 grand.
I cried and told him that i just didn't have the money right now, I just wanted to finish our current treatment plan.
He implored on the time frame and importance of saving what healthy teeth I did have.
The more he spoke the harder I felt like crying. I was so embarrassed crying in front of strangers.
In one of my xrays there is some sort of mass in my lower gums. He speculates that it could be an abscess or it could be a mass, either one McMolar refers me to an Oral Surgeon to take a biopsy of the area.
I ended up talking to his assistant more towards the end, she seemed to understand that I couldn't afford this but suggested to take it one at a time.
So I had another appointment Friday to which I cancelled so I may sleep in.
All was fine until I decided to forgo my all liquid diet and try to eat a bagel.
My temporary crown fell off so I had to go back to the dentist.
They saw me and I had my periodontal cleaning on the upper and lower quadrant of my right side.
That was painful too, this hygienist was like Dr. Giggles, she managed to get blood outta me folks. Her little sickle did a number on me.

So now, another cleaning next week and hopefully more healing. As for work, well she's a Dragon and I'm a knight. We will always be at ends with each other.

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