Still Alive?

Hi,
Yes I'm actually blogging!
I know it's been awhile but I have no internet service and only one working laptop now.
Things are hard.
I'm using this garbage phone of mines as a hotspot. Let's see if this thing even uploads.
So what I can tell you.
Well for starters my car is back and running and all it cost me was 30 in labor to pay my brother to drain the oil in it. Apparently that was all that was wrong with it (that I know of so far) Too much oil flooded the engine.
But it's fixed now so I haven't walked anywhere all week long.
Second thing to discuss?
Hmm well work is okay, my preggers pharmacist had her baby finally, two weeks early!
It was a bouncy baby boy named Sebastian Alexander something..
She's on maternity leave until January, I hope she comes back.
Work has been okay, Dragon and I get along great, I've been feeding her regularly so she's calm.
I do all her Dr's calls so she's enamored.
Work is good, speaking of work guess who called me...
My old home store called me asking if I could fill a shift, I said NO of course, not because I wanted to, but because they called after I had my daughter at home, so even if I wanted to I couldn't do it.
Anyways.
My daughter is great, school is good, her grades are good and she has lots of friends.
Yes from the outside things seem okay.

On the inside No.
God I'm so fucking depressed a huge part of me wants to just slit my neck wide open and bleed out on my kitchen floor.

I'm sorry for being so honest, God forgive me I just don't want to be here anymore.
But I'm here, I'm useless as ever.
October is my favorite month and I don't even think I'm dressing up this year not only because I can't afford anything but because I've just lost joy for things.
Everything just feels so hard, like it's taking a toll for the worst.

I'm just so tired of this, tired of it all.