Monday, February 22, 2016

Hello it's me..

It's been awhile since I've been on here.
A lot has happened but nothing's changed.
2016 hasn't been too good to me.
My rent has been raised significantly, my car is having trouble, an old friend was murdered.
So many things that have been happening in between my grueling work schedule.
I find myself working 13 hour shifts at the pharmacy which has been so busy lately and in distress ever since Christmas when my other colleague decided to never show up to work again.
We've been struggling and I'm going insane.
The problem with not only working all day is that fact that I'm not eating all day either.
So far I've lost 12lbs from mere starvation.
The binging and the purging episodes have stopped, that I'm happy about, but now something worse has taken it's place.
I'm getting used to not eating, real used to it.
I talk myself out of meals daily, guilt myself into continuing the whole day with nothing at all, "you've been doing so well, don't eat now, the days almost over."
I haven't worked out in so long, I just don't feel like it anymore.
I'm so drained from work I have no energy for anything else.
On weekends which I happen to be off, I cook for my boyfriend and the kids. I don't eat.
I pretend to eat. I pretend well.
I'm not purposely trying to starve, it just gradually started happening one day and then lead into the next and then two months later.
Working all day and constantly moving around all day is distracting, by the time I get home it's almost time for bed. I stay up a few hours and then take a Xanax and go to bed.
I've stopped drinking everyday too, no more cigarettes for me either.
I'll have a drink or two on Fridays with my boyfriend while we stay up watching Netflix followed by chill lol.
So while I've left most habits behind, my eating disorder is not one of them.
My favorite quote that I have tattooed even on my ribcage says it all,

"How will you know I am hurting, if you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain." ~C. Blount.

I am very stressed out lately, even if I don't complain much about it or ask for help, I am in trouble.
This feels different, I don't feel in control. I feel sad inside, hollow. The outside reflects what I feel most days on the inside, that I'm losing, losing the fight, the hope that things will change.
The echoes of starvation are a sign that all is not well on the home front.
The quiet times I have to myself are both haunting and horrifying.
I'm terrified to eat anything that I consider heavy, I don't want to start that binge and purge cycle again.
That is pure misery.
So food is being avoided altogether.
I'm living off water and Ensure.
A piece of gum at work when my mouth is too dry which lately is all the time.
My hair's falling out again. I'm still holding on to what I can, but soon I'm afraid I'll cut these matty locks in frustration.
I'm tired all the time, while I feel so sleepy during the day, the night has me wired.
If I don't take something to knock me out then I'm running on two hours or no sleep at all.
I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, what better way than to alleviate it then by losing weight.

So I leave you now with this entry, I'm trying to kick start my writer's block from the novel, I am on chapter 11 and we're almost to the finish line.
I can see the finale.

Goodnight lovelies.


Mich said...

I can sympathize with this soooooooooooo much. I've fallen into a pattern of eating almost nothing all day without realizing it. It's not even the disorder talking. Or at least, the disorder has gotten so clever it bypasses my conscious thoughts and just makes sure I never eat anything. I've noticed now that stress makes it worse.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. You're under a lot of stress, it takes a vey strong person to stand up against all of it. I've been reading your blog for years; you are so much stronger than you know. Things get really rough and you still soldier on. You're amazing.