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Friday, April 29, 2016

Same

I decided not to send my kid to school today.
She's done with tests this week and will even have a substitute teacher and no real curriculum, surely she can miss a day. Her dad pulls this stunt all the time, there even came a point not too long ago where she missed practically every Monday!
My internal clock of course started going off at 5am. I'm used to getting up at 6am everyday for work so sleeping in is a foreign concept for me.
I woke up with the best intentions to work on my novel today but instead found myself napping until noon.
The truth is I've written myself into a corner. I keep reading the chapter from the beginning and it's of no help. I actually hate everything. That's the problem isn't it?
If I can't find anything redeeming about the chapter then how can I possibly continue forward.
I found an outline I came up with a few months back and that didn't help matters either. I had high hopes for this opus of mines.
You have no idea how frustrated I am, how disappointed I am with myself.
That's just my Novel life that's gone awry, my real life is in shambles too.
Novel life? Real life? Confused are you?
As the lovely Anais Nin once put it "We write to taste life twice."
I have lots of voices in my head, and none of them know what the fuck they're talking about. I'm surrounded by idiots.
In my real life I'm exhausted from my meaningless job. Counting pills and answering the same questions from the same people day in and out is slowly driving me insane.
Getting up at 6am every morning is tiring. The long hot hour drive in my car during the crowded morning commute is dreadful.
You never realized your distaste for other human beings until you're late for work.
In all fairness I've been driving  slow these days keeping it under 50mph, one of my tires is bad so steering wheel shakes on misshapen tire rotation. Hauling ass just doesn't feel the same.
Once I arrive at work and say hello to the same coworkers at the same time with their same sleepy lifeless expressions is just the prelude to the day. I get asked by front store cashier A. or B. or any other 4 interchangeable people, "What time are here today till?"
I get asked this ALL the time. Now come on lady or man depending on what day it is, You see me here all the time at the same time as you, does this not answer your question??
I slowly and sadly walk all the way to the back of the store towards the  Pharmacy where my awkward doom awaits me.
The Dragon.
The Dragon and I are at a bit of a tiff.
See I'm still pissed at her for writing me up for not going to work that one Sunday, although I did call her and tell her that. Suddenly it's my fault that she can't find coverage. Back in my day when I was once a store manager, if one of my employees didn't show up for a shift,then that meant I would have to drag my ass out of bed and catch the train to work. Nowadays you get written up and your manager bitches and complains but doesn't cover a shift on their day off.
So there's an awkwardness that's been lingering in the pharmacy ever since then. She felt awkward having to bring up my attendance performance, and I just hate her guts for being a twenty something, spoiled little mama's girl and annoying twit.
We hardly have conversations anymore or look at each other.
On Monday I didn't hate her guts as much and so work was busy but bearable.
Tuesday was the same, plus we had other people as buffers. BUFFERS are great because we can talk to each other without having to really talk.  We use the buffers as a common thing to listen to instead of each other.
 

On Wednesday it was decent. I got to work with my new coworker who's replacing someone whose moving to Minnesota.
My new coworker is nice, so far, I mean he's still new, give it time and bitterness and he can develop into an asshole. I think working in the pharmacy just ruins you. Dealing with overly or under medicated people is the bane of my existence.
I've never known even that there are degrees of hate within oneself. You can hate customers on so many levels, it's like Dante's inferno of your soul. There are the people who piss you off, there are those who annoy you, the ones that offend you, and the ones you wish you could physically assault, the dumb ones, the snobs.
I could go on and on about this all night but I'm too sober for that shit.
So back to what I was saying about the new guy...
 He's a bit overwhelmed at all the multitasking you have to do. I mean, I answer the phone, answer the idiot in front of me who's asking which aisle the yogurt is in, type electronic prescriptions and count 60 pills all in the span of three minutes.
Anytime I help him out with something he pats my back as if I've just saved him from certain doom, or hey saving him from an actual real life Dragon we currently have in the pharmacy.
I think he'll be okay.
I was scrolling through emails when I opened one that was very recent and from Dragon of all people.
We have a site at work where you can award points to coworkers for deeds and such, you then use said points to buy overly priced junk. I'm personally saving for a Vacuum cleaner or fancy blender.
Well she awarded me points for being accountable ( a joke considering she wrote me up for the exact opposite) and for labeling the whole pharmacy which was way outdated.
 

I thought that was decent of her, maybe one day soon I could forgive her, learn from this and move on.
I haven't been doing so good with eating. Been living of coffee and water this week with an occasional banana. I finally had some soup and even a bit of pasta today. My stomach feels wonky. I regret any meal or food I keep down. The feeling to purge is still very real, moving around or accidentally bending down can make food come back up all on its own.
My tooth has been hurting more and more, I think I have another week or so before I have to go back in for a checkup. I'm dreading going because well that means I have to pay more on the $1,500.00 balance. I'm trying to stretch this out as much as I can, as long as I can.
I managed to workout once this week. Wasn't for very long but its better than being a potato.
I'm stuck in a rut. I wish I wasn't so pressed for time. Tomorrow is my last day off, I have to run errands, I just want to nap.
I wish there were two or three of me to help out. I'm pooped, Jesus take the bloody wheel.
My Novel life stinks.
I should be writing but my brain is fried after work. Coherent thoughts are a thing of yesteryear.
I don't know how to fix this chapter, do I just stick to the outline? I like outline but that may actually just end up asking more questions than it answers thus prolonging novel and adding more chapters. I want to be done with this book already, I'm so close, why can't I just finish?
 
 
I should workout more but I don't see the point. I should go out more but people.
So you see it's much of the same for me everyday.
Nothing exciting happening to me anytime soon. Nothing to see here folks, move along.
Now I will pop a Motrin, a Xanax and take my ass to sleep. I'm drained and dull. Those are D's I've never too much cared for.

3 comments:

Heidi said...

Your writing style is so funny (in a good way). I always am torn between sympathy for how dreadful that all sounds (not that I'm any better, I work in an office with morons) and laughing with sadistic glee at your nicknames and descriptions of everyone. Working for a living sucks, there's so much like sun and oxygen out there, slaving all day in these suffocating caves just blows. Anyways I appreciate your writing and sharing. :)

JohnDoe said...

Lol.. youre a riot, that was so enjoyable to read although i know a struggle in real life for you, use it as inspiration, flip it to your advantage. Remember there are so many ppl goin through the same grind but with no voice or words to express themselves as you do, be their voice and words

JohnDoe said...

Lol.. youre a riot, that was so enjoyable to read although i know a struggle in real life for you, use it as inspiration, flip it to your advantage. Remember there are so many ppl goin through the same grind but with no voice or words to express themselves as you do, be their voice and words