Tuesday, June 28, 2016

bad day

So it begins, the sadness.

I'm not feeling too hot lately, things are escalating all around me and I'm just not ready for it all.
I get to work this morning and Dragon only glances at me and turns her head back to the computer screen.

This morning I thought the day would be better, I actually was up before the alarm, well actually I've been up since 4am but that's besides the point.
Insomnia has been making an appearance this week thus far.
I tried to go back to bed and finally nod off at 5:30 when in a fit of sheer desperation, I threw all the pillows spectacularly off the bed.
The pillows landed this way and that, waking both cats who sleep till about 6am themselves. The smaller grey cat squints her eyes back shut. The larger black one usually wakes me up early by jumping over or on me or even laying down on my hair pulling it back under her weight.
It's usually food that they want.
Food bowls are put away after a certain time each night due to a huge roach infestation in my apartment. How huge a roach infestation you ask?
I can distinguish the different species! I got some Germans, Americans, Albino, hell I thought I found some Asians one the other day too.
They are everywhere it's so disgusting.

My apartment building is nothing more than a Roach Motel.

I'm up and head to the shower, I think long and hard as I lather, "What will life be like being unemployed again?"
I let the water cascade down my body and wash away the thoughts of calling out of work.
I wipe away at the foggy mirror and stare at the person on the other side.
I hate the person who looks back at me, sometimes I wish she would just do us all a favor and die already.
I weigh myself. Weighing oneself will determine if I'm allowed some kind of substance at all today, as it turns out I'm down two of the supposed six I've gain since my vacation binge eating.
I decide to only have one meal and only in the morning.
I get dressed and head out the door. The first thing I do is set food out for my stray cats and duck.
Next up is the embarrassing display of having to keep adding water to my car's reservoir because I have a leak and the coolant levels are always low or nonexistent.
The morning isn't so bright today, there's a small overcast which gives me relief as I have to drive about an hour in traffic with no air conditioning.
I'm not running too behind so that means I can have breakfast.
I found a new Smoothie king location that I want to try out, also a new route to work.
Both work out and my timing is still good.
I don't sip the Vanilla Shredder just yet as it's too thick. I plan to sip on this thing for most of the day to counteract any meals I'm supposed to be having.
The drive to work is longer today because I'm trying not to speed, I have about 300 dollars worth of tickets and pray I don't get anymore.
When I finally arrive at work I head inside and chat with my fellow Big Brother fanatic. The show has just started up again this year for the summer.
She and I talk game for a bit, she continues to joke about us applying for the show next year together.
Part of me would love to just do this even though I know we stand no chance. Lately the people they select on this show look like they live in the Gym. Part of the show's mandate is a lot of physical comps and well my out of shape behind will almost be guaranteed to fail. I'm not fit or fine so keep dreaming bub.
It's almost 8 and I have to punch in at the pharmacy. I feel the dread cover me like some sort of depression Snuggie.
Image result for depression snuggie

Dragon's greeting assures me that all is fucked.
Today she's wearing the other pants, black slacks as opposed to the pinstripe ones. These are her "I'm serious" pants.
Mondays are the day we do our truck order. I've always been curious as to how that works, I don't actually know.
See being the "Inventory Specialist" means part of more bullshit to do including this very thing.
Now last week the Russian pharmacist did the order and seeing as how Dragon missed work yesterday to go to a meeting, I figured the other pharmacist would be the one to do it.
She didn't and neither did I.
Dragon waits till I clock in and set my smoothie down to scold me for not having done the order.
"But I was never taught."
Her response? "You're the inventory specialist, I'm counting on you to do this, now what will happen Friday when we get the truck? If you don't know something you need to call the next store up so they can tell you how it's done."
All I can do my friends is just nod my head in agreement as if this insensitive cunt has a point.
She sucks her teeth and turns around to go sit on her stool and type.
I turn around myself and start slowly counting pills.
My eyes well up and I bite down on my lip as hard as I can to keep from crying.
How can I be at fault for something I was never taught? The hypocrisy. We are a training store for fucks sake1
 This idiot will make that annoying baby Betty Boop voice teaching total strangers but expects me to accept a new position and automatically assume I know it all? How can you not teach me who works with you and then tell me to have random techs I've never met from other busy stores take time to show me how to do my new job?

I'm not crying because she scolded me, I want to cry because I can't speak up.
I can't yell "Hey you scaly asshole it's not my fault, I haven't even had the pay grade or my job title officially change! You want me to work for free?"
Instead I just stay quiet and feel bad about myself. I find myself fighting the tears as I tear myself down. I deserve every single miserable thing that touches my life.
Who do you think you are?
You think you're going to just have normal life or that people won't somehow take a good look at you and not know by your ratty clothing that you are a lesser person?
I feel today like all the roaches, the ratty holey clothes I wear, the used dented leaking car, the mounting debts, the struggle with eating, the loneliness, I deserve it all. I deserve nothing and anytime I think something good finally touches me, it doesn't.
God doesn't give me better because I'm unworthy.
I'm garbage.
I know this to be true because people like Dragon who make a lot of money and went to college can tell.
They know I'm just pretending. She knows I won't talk back or make waves, she knows I'm meek.

The rest of my shift I was quiet. The minute she was done "expressing" herself I didn't even want the shake anymore. I threw it away. Food? You deserve nothing, you can't do anything right.

I would hand Dragon a basket with a prescription for a patient that was waiting and instead of handing it to me, she'd toss it aside and not let me know anything.

I feel like her dog.
I feel inadequate.
I feel just like I used to when I first started working with her.

The prospect of her leaving is dwindling before my very eyes.
She's challenging the move, she doesn't approve of the schedule in her new would be pharmacy.
The person who would be her new partner there has 4 kids and if you are a working mom then you would know just how firm a schedule is.
Dragon has zero children, I still don't know how she has the same boyfriend? I can only guess he makes less money than her and is in it for the free ride (I'm being cynical now of course)
She should be very flexible on that schedule.
I'm unsure now if she's leaving.
I can't possibly keep going on working like this with her and her moods.
I'm seriously starting to contemplate asking for a transfer myself.
I hate that I would be the one to leave seeing as how I was there first.
I'm just so depressed.
I feel defeated, I feel like just surrendering the pharmacy and all the hard work I put into it to make it the store it is today all to her.
Image result for wolf cowering in a fight
Why fight the inevitable.
I can't just coexist with her, it's like having a huge fight with your significant other and no one wants to talk first because that means they win, instead you two ignore each other. I'll end up sleeping on the floor or on the couch trying to avoid contact.
Tomorrow I work all day with her. I'm not sure what to do.
I don't remember what it's like to have a backbone anymore.
I feel like people look at me and just know I'm weak. They can step all over me.
One day all of you who think you're so much better than me, those of you who think I'm so stupid, those who think they are getting away with humiliating me will get to step all over me, yes, I'll be dead in the ground and you can happily dance on my fucking grave.
I happily say FUCK YOU all, I will be at peace finally never seeing any of you again.
Congratulations, enjoy your lives.
Sorry for not being cheery but right now I don't care.
I'm depressed, I'm ready to throw in the towel.