Down the hatch

Tonight I drink RUM!
A full one liter bottle and a shot glass.
I have actually had to work for four hours at the pharmacy on a Friday night of all things which is not my usual M.O but beggars can't be choosers.
I've just barely closed the work week with 30-ish hours. My paychecks have been lighter than I'd like.

The work day wasn't too bad, I got to work with a floater pharmacist who talks to himself a lot, the down only down side was putting away the truck which included 6 crates of medicines.
My one horrible customer came in the form of a 5'9 ft cunt.
She had no medicines ready and didn't too much care for the idea of a 10-15 minute wait time.
"Why do I have to wait so long? It's just one pill and there are no customers?"
Ugh.
God people, I could play you... here look at this and then you will go through a typical day with me. Look at all the dumb shit I have to endure.

 
It's awful, the same repetitive nonsense, the audacity these morons have.

So back to the Amazonian cunt.
She and I had a back and forth with words about why she felt she was entitled to not wait around like everyone else. The more polite I was, the more upset she became.
"I don't need to get into any discussion with you, you work at the pharmacy."
I told her I didn't care to get into a discussion with her either and smiled. Smiling always pisses rude people off.
"With teeth like yours, I wouldn't be too happy to be smiling." she thinks she's outwitted me with the lowest form of interactions, personal jabs at someone's outward appearance.
She said she didn't want to wait and that she would pick up her Fluconazole tomorrow morning.
"So, if I come tomorrow, it will be done then? Since its so complicated to put a sticker on one single pill tonight."
I just about want to slap her but I can't because you know, common decency and all.
Instead I take the high road and simple say...
"Yes,you can pick up your yeast infection medication tomorrow morning, it will be ready.'"
The look on her face.
She made sure to ask me my name to which I proceeded to spell my name just in case you know she can't read and all..
Work is the worst.

I have a 1 week vacation due on July 5-11..
I'll be spending 3 days kid free in Orlando with my sister.
I'll be happy just to get away from this place for awhile.
I'm incredibly moody and frustrated. I'm just over it all already.

In weight related news I have managed to maintain a steady and Ludacris weight class.
Purging has become a daily things, laxatives not so much, definite bouts of long starvation are also apart of my daily diet.

I feel unfulfilled and stuck in a rut with just about every part of my life.
The minute I start to complain I have the "other people have it worse speech."
Yes I know other people have it worse out there for numerous reasons, but I'm not other people, I'm me and I have a right to feel pissed off about the fact that this is my life and I'm unable to change it because I'm too scared to do anything at all.
I want to bitch and complain and cry, by golly I can and will.


I'm sorry for depressing posts, right now am trying to find time and means to get a new-ish laptop with a webcam and an older windows software program on it like Office or something.
I've seen newer laptops but their windows office software which I utilize for novel writing has now become a monthly or yearly subscription and frankly I don't have that kinda time (money).
I feel too lazy to make any further choices other than poor ones.
I miss writing and vlogging, I miss being 100lbs, I miss my short hair, I miss socializing with people.
I'm just missing out.

I'll try to post again soon-er rather than later.
Hope you are well.
Congrats on a few of my lovelies that have tied the knot recently.
I wish you sheer happiness.

Goodnight for now, will drink rum and do my best Captain Sparrow impersonation.

I'm very depressed.
I really, really, don't want to live anymore.

The 5 stages of Grief

Grief is universal.
It has touched each and everyone of us in some major way in our lifetime;
Grief could be trivial or life altering.
We find ourselves changed in the end but to first live and survive through it we must first come to terms with the thing.

I find myself in the throws of what are known as "The 5 Stages of Grief."

Stage 1. Denial.
When I first heard that they were replacing both pharmacist at my job and two of my useless coworkers, I thought great new people!

 I've been under a constant bombardment of stress, all of December, ever since they bought the pharmacy next door and acquired all the loons that came along with it.
New pharmacists and coworkers, why it's just the thing this place needs right now.
February was looking like a bust, the car had me miserable, surely March had to be different.


It was on a very busy Sunday that the rumors began swirling about Dragon.
I couldn't believe it, did not want to even entertain the idea of her possible resurfacing into my little calm life.
I've managed to dodge her for a long time, avoiding floater shifts at her pharmacy.
I couldn't picture hearing her whiny, nasally voice barking orders at me.
I didn't want to imagine her shiny scales shimmering off the computer screens  behind me.
I couldn't imagine her lasting for long at my pharmacy anyway even if she was to transfer there.
My pharmacy had become infamous.
We were officially a "challenged store."
Every single one of us had a horrible nemesis patient who sought out to ruin our day with constant complaints and outlandish unmedicated outbursts.
Dragon is an anxiety riddled large child, throwing temper tantrums here and there.
This pharmacy would eat her alive.
They can't send her here, what are these people thinking.
No way she's going to be my new boss, no fucking way!

Stage 2. Anger.
Monday Morning and there is a very flashy Red Mustang in the parking lot.
I immediately knew who's car that was.
Holy fuck nuggets, Smaug has taken over the Mountain.
As I open the door to work, there she is.
Smug Smaug.
She starts making changes immediately, remodeling the pharmacy to make room for her enormous ego.
She's making stupid choices too, like taking down the shelves with all the OTC (over the counter) meds because "It's ugly to look at."
What!? Ugly? No stupid reptile, you're ugly.
Don't go touching things here, you're a tourist, a drifter just passing through town. Don't you dare grow roots here.

I am livid.
I am stuck with her again. No!
God I couldn't believe I would be having a birthday in the presence of this monstrosity.
It's bad enough I have to age, I don't want to get older with her!
I hate that I have to kiss her ass and pretend I don't hate her stupid guts.
Why is she here!?
Why Lord, am I really such a bad person to be punished this way?
 Fuck man as if this stupid job wasn't hard enough already.

Stage 3. Bargaining. 
It was official, she was here to stay.
She was already making waves at the pharmacy.
There was even an incident where she had one of our more colorful patients make her cry.
She had made enemies with our more seasoned overly medicated narcotic meds only patients.
She went one complete week denying Vicodin, Adderals, Oxycontin's, Morphine and Methadone..
Our usual customers hated her stupid guts more than I did.
My only comfort was in the little hope I had every morning, as soon as the alarm blared, I would lie in bed for five full minutes and pray that today she wouldn't go off in one of those bipolarish moods of hers.
Please Lord above or below, anyone out there??
Zeus, Allah, Easter Bunny?
Someone please make this woman call out of work or transfer out due to a nervous breakdown or something, please..
I promise that I will work harder and try to be a better mom, or girlfriend, maybe I could look into charity work or serve the homeless.
Please someone out there just take her out.. I will be be ever so grateful.

Stage 4. Depression.
I found myself crying in the shower every morning, crying in the car on the way to work.
I found myself sleeping less and bingeing more.
I am depressed.
My fate is sealed.
Maybe it's time to find another pharmacy to work at, maybe it's time to find another line of work.
You win this one Dragon, the place is all yours.
Working with her is awful. She makes me feel like nothing I do is eery good enough, like I'm a rookie. I find myself making first year mistakes too. I feel like I can't do anything right.
My house is a mess, I work so much I have no time to do laundry or do housework, all I really want to do is just lay in bed.
I chase painkillers with alcohol and pass out into the late night, it's the only way I will get any kind of sleep.
I am a moody mess, fighting with my boyfriend over nonsense, isolating myself and gaining weight. Ugh gaining so much weight. I am so fat. I don't want to be looked at.
I'm disgusting :(
I'm a big sad lonely mess.
I don't feel like anything good is going to ever happen to me. I'm just not one of those lucky people that look so put together and have so much going for them.
I can't have it all, can't even have some..

Stage 5. Acceptance.
The Pharmacy has stabilized finally.
My other pharmacist who had her own reputation for being an uber bitch actually doesn't piss me off.
On Tuesday she and I worked alone for ten complete hours without incidents.
She even kept commenting on what a perfect day it was.
I don't have a nickname for her yet although she talks with a Lisp...
Maybe Lisp lady would suit her.
Dragon is still annoying but she annoys everyone so I thank God for small miracles, at least I'm not the only one getting burnt from her fire breathing flames.
Our new head honcho at corporate is checking up on the progress at the store and scolded me for dropping my score in "Action notes" which is just fancy medical jargon for me being too busy to call patients and let them know if we are out of stock on something or if their insurance doesn't cover their herpes medications anymore.
I was taken aback by him and upset. To imply that I would purposely slack off is to insult my character. I've been busting my ass working six days a week for this place.
I blurted out that I would work harder if I knew that the end justified the means ergo my performance review that was due in October would be done, I was due for a raise last year. How can I work so hard for a company who only acknowledges the bad but ignores the good.
The head honcho said no worries he would take care of that.
So on Thursday Morning Dragon surprised me by having me sign my performance review. It was good, I exceed expectations.
Sometime next week they will sit down with me and let me know how much my raise will be, and not only that I will get retroactive pay for all of last year and this years pay adjustment.
The majority of bad patients from the merger have all but transferred out so now we have less patients again. We are all in the process of just re acclimating ourselves with the pharmacy sans craziness again.
They are changing my schedule around, giving me a schedule of five days a week and promising to not cut my hours so I can continue to receive my full (40) time hours.
If I can just not feel like my carpal tunnel is going to kill me or my legs will stop trying to buckle on me than I can survive this.

So folks looks like I'm stuck here until further notice with Smaug.
Good thing I'm an excellent Burglar or I could be in some serious trouble.

Sleep, Purge, Work, Repeat..

I'm officially a full time employee at the pharmacy.
Since December have been working 6 days a week, 40 hours, and sometimes when overtime is authorized, up to 60 hours.

My pharmacy bought the neighboring pharmacy that's been around for 20 years next door.
With their closing, my pharmacy bought all the patients and even their pharmacist.
The poor patients had no idea of the change and my little workplace next door didn't either.
We were unequipped for the doubling of patients.
Both my current pharmacists were shook up, my favorite one who I just about consider one of the sweetest people I know immediately got transferred out.
I was devastated, not only was she gone they brought in this older male person to take her place.
He was there not because he was more capable than her but because he was there as a transition piece, a friendly face to ease in the sudden changes that were hitting too close to home.

Work had been a mess. Too many new patients with NO PATIENCE.
It's been difficult and strenuous on me physically and mentally.
I find myself exhausted all the time.
My Insomnia at full force, I find myself sometimes surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a day, and the worst of it is when I do fall asleep, all my dreams involve the pharmacy.
The new rich, snooty customers bitch at me daily and call me degrading, insulting names.
I've cried 3 times in front of customers and coworkers. I even snapped on more than one occasion, yelling back at a patient.
I had one woman who was upset that her medication wasn't ready snatch an insurance card right out of my hand, instantly that just caused me to yell at her forcefully and then storm out to cry in the employee bathroom for five full minutes.
Not one of my better days.

It's been a challenge.
Financially the money has been good, but how quickly it goes out.
My saturn has been a money pit, my GOD has that car sucked all my monies.
I finally invested 200 more to the inflated expenses when the very next day my engine blows and I have no more car.

My "mechanic" or rather my ex's has been scolding me practically every time I fucking see him about the importance of taking your time and car shopping (with him) so finally I have no choice but to buy another car, to dip into my savings from my tax return.
The problem with working full time is that I have no time to do anything, let alone car shop.
I missed 3 days already from repairing the Saturn, I couldn't afford to miss anymore so I had to go car shopping with my ex's mechanic on Friday afternoon after work, and then Saturday my only day off.
My ex's mechanic makes me feel uncomfortable. He's constantly eating me up with his eyes and telling me "how good I look" it's awful.
He's an older man, looks like Meat Loaf's character in Fight Club.
The man has bitch tits people.
Anyways he's also lazy and over charges me at every turn.
Case in point my last major car repair with him, some belt that popped in my car as I was with my boyfriend and the kids heading to the bakery. He charges me 200 for the job, my car works again...(very next day car breaks for good!)
I come to find out belt in actuality only costs 50$
He clearly robbed me blind.
I don't know many mechanics, I have no clue what to do if my tire gets flat or when to change the oil? I've just started to pay more attention to things under the hood but you won't catch me rebuilding any engines any time soon.
All of my brothers are estranged and have never taken an interest in my life without getting something in return. I feel alone and vulnerable, who will help me?


So I need a car.
My ex's mechanic suggests I look on Craig's List for auto's.
My max price is $1500.00, I cannot afford any car more than that. I just paid 500 for 6 months worth of car insurance already.
The money is evaporating.
I try my best in my short time to find a few cars in my price range, the mechanic and I agree to meet up on Friday after I get home from work to start the car search.
The car I'm interested in is $1700 or best offer so I'm thinking my 1500 should sway a seller..maybe.
The seller has school and will be available to show the car after 6pm, so I relay the message to my mechanic.
He takes his time and even calls me to let me know he's having dinner with his brother at a pizza parlor!
At almost 9pm this stupid shithead wants to show up and go car shopping!
I told him it was too late, he then has the audacity to say "Hey I'm going out of my way to help you, I don't like your attitude sweetheart, get someone else to help you."
Can you believe this hair band reject?!

What was I going to do now?
Luckily my boyfriend came to the rescue and took me early to look at potential buys.
Oh that Saturday was a memorable one. The day was dark and stormy.
All those potential buyers were full of shit, my top choices were now my non choices.
Last on my list was a tiny Daewoo hatchback for 1200..
The seller was wishy washy at times but in the end the car was finally available for a showing.
At first glance the little silver egg looked normal; no leaking of any kind, it had a motor that made no noise, the interior was simple and clean. The test drive around the trailer park that housed it was different, this car didn't have those awful tell tale signs of the Saturn. The car appears ok.
So the seller tells me the passenger window doesn't go down, and the driver's side visor doesn't go back up.
The mileage on the car was only 47,000 miles, hardly driven.
The paint on the little car is worn, the tires are missing a hubcaps too.
This car isn't the prettiest woman at the prom, not who'd you normally dance with, but given enough peach schnapps...Hey how you doing?!!
So in my haste I convinced the seller to give me the car for 1000 bucks.
And just like that I had a car.
Now I had to rush and make it to the Tag agency before they closed at four, I needed to renew my registration since my birthday was looming.
So 150 dollars and a new license plate later and the car was ready to hit the open road.
It drove like a dream.
I'm scared shitless of course, cars have traumatized me.
So far I've invested an oil change and new tires on this thing, I need to just fix my window and install my radio and maybe then this car will be okay.
I've had horrible buyers remorse but keep trying to see the positive in the decision I've made.

So I'm stressed to the max and have completely given up on exercise, have been binging and purging. I've gained back 10lbs.
I hate my body.
I'm feeling very depressed lately.

While I'm struggling in Miami with my Ed, my sister has been going through her own health scares with her own Eating Disorder.
Her laxative abuse has caused her to develop Kidney stones.
The poor thing has been hospitalized twice now because of it.
I try my best to give her advice but she seems to keep toppling backwards.
I only wish I lived closer to offer support.

The pharmacy is now with all new Pharmacy managers as they have transferred both old Pharmacists out.
Guess who's my new boss again?
DRAGON.
Oh yes, Smaug is back.
She is just as annoying as ever.
God.
I really hate my job now.
My only hope is that the pharmacy will break her.

My daughter is doing well, she even had her aunt flow come to town!
I was not prepared for this.

I've had a birthday recently. (OLD)
My boyfriend and I are still together, on April 15 we will make 3yrs.
He's trying to fix my car quirks for me so I can save on a few bucks. I'm all for it.

Life is pretty much going on for me, I only hope to join its pace too.
That's it for now.
Talk to you al again soon.

Sunday

Light hits my eyes, bright and loud.
The cat has left the curtain open again.
As much as I love her, I mostly want to strangle her.
To keep my homicidal fantasies in check, I've gone as far as nailing the curtains to the wall itself.
I detest the light in my room.
More than the actual rays itself, I detest lack of sleep.
It puts me in a most foul mood.
I've gone two entire weeks now with recurring Insomnia.
It has me by my big toe and refuses to let go.
I feel the drowsiness coming, I welcome it but the act of sleep itself eludes me. What miniscule sleep I do get is riddled with nightmares.
I don't know how people do it.
I applaud those who can simply lie their heads on a pillow and close their eyes. The Sandman must indeed be the most wonderful, magical person there is.
I, on the other hand cannot.
I lie my head on the pillow and begin the groove of tossing and turning.
It's like stepping into a room full of screaming Investors on Wall Street.
The constant shouting over one another, each individual voice wanting so desperately to be heard. Ideas and accusations flung everywhere.
Welcome to my mind.
The chaotic place that drives me quietly insane.
The shouting at night is too much.
God, I just want some fucking rest!
Shut up! SHUT UP!
I can't sleep unless I'm on something, whether it's alcohol or even pills.

Having old neighbors who you constantly do favors for has it's advantages.
They take way too many unnecessary pills or sometimes don't even take them at all.
Painkillers and anti anxiety pills frequent my stomach much more than food nowadays.
Once the drowsiness kicks in, the fun can start.
Late into the night it gets before I finally succumb and sweet unconsciousness hits me. No more chatter, no more insecurities and worry.
I can just close my eyes be like everyone else.


I am currently in the shithouse everywhere else in my life.
I'm literally living paycheck to paycheck. Am feeding my daughter scrambled eggs for dinner because I can either buy food or have gas in the car for work which is 45 minutes away.
She's understanding and patient with her loser mother, maybe even thinks of all of this as an adventure.

This car.
God this fucking car.
I had a flat, a simple flat that turned into having to buy another tire because "The tire you have has a bubble. If you drive one more day on that, you'll get into a horrible accident when it blows."
This car feels like an expensive, stripper girlfriend I can't afford.

I'm sure I get a lot of "Omigosh, you're doing that bad you should've told me" from people.
The truth of the matter is I'm a child of keeping it to yourself.
It was drilled in my head to never let anyone know just how bad you're doing, most people just don't care, they are just nosy.
It's actually not bad advice, I've seen it firsthand so I know it's not total bs.
If I can still manage to not run this little family of mines (daughter, 2 cats and fishies, oh and houseplants!) into the ground...yet
I'll find a way to survive.


Besides the lack of sleep and lack of money, let's not forget my lack of eat.
I'm nine pounds lighter today.
The one constant joy in this miserable life is the weight loss.

"How will you know I am hurting if you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain.” -Corrie Blount

My most favorite quote, so much so I have it tattooed on my ribcage.
It's the simplest way of telling how bad yours truly is doing.
I simply stop caring about eating at all. The emptiness feels like a thousand whip lashes. It feels like a punishment I deserve. I don't want anything unnecessary. I deserve nothing.
You are what you eat.
I feel so out of control. I feel like screaming. I feel like running in the streets.
I feel forsaken and all alone, so alone.
All I have is my behaviors. They are what keep me grounded, sane, insane.
It serves a lot of functions in my life. I use it as a way to punish myself, I use it as a way to medicate myself, I use it for the tension release when things get too strong or too built up.
When I’m done, after this big huge buildup, then there’s an overwhelming feeling of calmness, an overwhelming sense of peace.
It’s kind of like letting out a sigh. I get a peaceful feeling and a kind of self-satisfaction at having hurt myself.
What else can I do?
I can't be like everyone else, I wouldn't even begin to know how.
I'm good at imploding, I'm good at infliction and turbulence.
The little joy of seeing the numbers on the scale keep me alive, keep me going too.
It gets me through the day knowing tomorrow, maybe, just maybe will be ok because one more pound is gone. The weight loss gets me through the days, the long empty days.
The same monotonous routine of not eat, work, not sleep, repeat.

Calender Girls

Hi everyone!
How has everyone been since we've last spoken?
Yours truly has been on a financial rollercoaster that has left her with more lint in her pockets than usual.

Let's recap shall we...

Well October was a very trying month for me. There wasn't enough work and then the car decided to give me trouble to the tune of 350$.
This news was no bueno as I love to go all out on costumes to celebrate. Halloween is my all time favorite Holiday, feels like I instead of wearing a mask, I could actually take off the one I wear all year long.
Who doesn't love dressing up, fall weather, candy, carving pumpkins and watching scary movies?
Giving the mechanic 200$ of what would be a free paycheck, hurt.
 I still owe him 150 more and he's been ever so patient but for how long?
Cancelling Halloween altogether even crossed my mind.

My kid's Godmother wanted to go trick or treating thru a fancy neighborhood just like last year. My daughter and I had no costumes and the bills kept coming like clockwork.
Finally I managed to get us both something at the last minute with 80 bucks I managed to save from bits of pinching pennies here and there.
My daughter who's the sweetest, most considerate kid ever was so patient with me.
My initial plan was to me Disney's newest version of Maleficent, I was going to go all out with makeup and contact lenses, but that plan had to be rethought.
I put aside my own desire and decided to just focus on what my kid wanted to be instead, I would just pick a costume at random and be whatever the financial scraps allotted.
My daughter went from wanting to be a My Little Pony to finally deciding on a fairy costume. Yours truly chose (slutty version) Harry Potter.
It was a difficult time for me indeed. Bills, Car repairs, not enough work, depression, my eating disorder.
 I even tried to self sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend by breaking up with him close to Halloween.
The very next day of breakup I drove my shaky car an hour's drive to his house after I dropped my daughter off at school to go and make amends.
He was asleep and very much surprised.
The drive there made me nervous, I was worried he would finally get tired of all my inner drama and just tell me to go fly a kite!
Instead he was understanding and in a great mood. We spent a morning together just wandering around window shopping and enjoying each other's company. I feel like our bond just keeps getting stronger.

These random breakups have actually become a private joke of ours, as a matter of fact as I told my dear love, "It's been awhile since we've broken up, it was due."
I know I scare him with my dramatic outburst, but I feel like since he does  know the real me and the way we work, that nothing would change.
He knows not to take me too seriously, to just let me "vent."
That instead of letting me drive our almost 3years together to the ground, what I needed the most was support and his way of helping me cope through these tough times.
We resumed like nothing had happened and truth be told, nothing really did, nothing ridiculous I could ever say I think would ever make this wonderful man stop loving me and thinking the world of me, and for that I'm so grateful.


I met my friend on the week before Halloween and the costumes were bought, our Halloween date was still on. She's going through her own financial hurricane but has bought a new car and is all too happy to show it off. I pray she has better times ahead because she deserves it.
I gave her a little gift when I saw her, The Twilight series since she's never read them. They are used books from Goodwill but I know she'd cherish them regardless. She loves to immerse herself in other worlds that aren't our current catastrophes, so I wrote her an inscription in a card imploring her to do so!
We can always be broke and stressed any ol' day of the week. When she has the time, she can read her books and have Bella Swan problems lol.


My boyfriend loves X-Mas, he thinks he's too old to dress up for Halloween or at least did before I came along, but he made the effort and got into it for me.
He painted his face in spirit to the Mexican religious Observation of the "Day of the Dead" (not the George Romero film) His stepson was Godzilla!
I thought I was going to be in a bad mood because I was so close to riding the Crimson Wave but that didn't happen, instead we all had the most amazing night.
Halloween is also my Kid's Godmother and I's anniversary of sorts. We've been friends for almost 23 years!
So you see, it's important even in the most dire of situation to most definitely look at the bigger picture.

So after October done went by, I thought November surely would be better?
So far no.
I have been living off my savings.
My bills are late and the car seems to keep challenging me with new sounds and shakes. I have so much to do this month.

Work has been different.
I am now being transferred to the beach store on Collins, I float there every Monday so the pharmacist and staff have asked me to just make it my home store.
The news was amazing, to be wanted and appreciated makes me happy.
I've always though I was never cut out for this line of work. I feel so stressed from work 75% of the time. But it is my job so I have to go 100% at it and hope someone notices...
The complications of a transfer I do not appreciate. Hopefully it's complete now and I can expect steady work. Yes this store is 45 minutes away and I have to put gas in my car every 3-4 days but what other choice do I have?
Work wise I also have my CE's due which are just a bunch of state mandated tests I have to pass in addition to the 105$ renewal of my board issued license that allows me to step foot inside a pharmacy. I've completed my mandatory 20hrs and now just have to complete two more live webinars.
My checks are very slim lately, I missed a week of work because I had the worst flu ever.

I got better then guess what, last Friday got sick again!
Am still trying to recover.

As for my Eating Disorder well...
because have been cash poor these days am only feeding my kid and my boyfriend and his son. I've been fasting and restricting. I've been exercising more and have finally managed to lose almost, almost, almost 10lbs.
You have no idea the happiness that happens stepping on a scale entails.
The excitement and hopeful prospect that your mind generates from those electronic numbers on the scale's display.
Satisfaction doesn't even begin to cover it.
More like I want to scream FINALLY!!!
I am also happy to report that laxatives are only used twice a week as opposed to multiple times a week.
On weekends am keeping food down because my boyfriend is here and he's become a buffer between me and ED.
I will confess something to you all because all because I love you, (even boyfriend doesn't know this but..) I'm always wishing he and I would just live together, partly because I think I'd have a tougher time doing behaviors with him around full time.
I know that's just a band aid on a bullet wound when it comes to ED, it sounds good in theory but then again it could just make me be more sneaky and cunning when it comes to behaviors so the jury is still out on that statement.
Losing weight makes me happy, that simple little fact doesn't seem to change and God forgive me but I need it.
I need that certainty in a world where I seem to have anything but.

My sister wants me to go see her in Orlando for Thanksgiving but that's
160$ I don't have right now.
She asks me everyday about it, all I can tell her is yes when in fact sacrificing that amount may very well kill me financially in the upcoming months. I don't know how to possibly let her down if I can't make it.
I really want to visit her but if I can't afford it, well what then?


I'm trying to just survive.
I hate having no money all the time, burning through my savings, living paycheck to paycheck.

I am not 100% happy.
I am just alive but not truly living.


My novel's latest chapter has been forced, I am trying desperately to finish it but find myself distracted and letting my current reality affect my fictional one. I don't want that for my characters.
I want their lives unblemished by mines.
They are my escape, and deserve better.

This past weekend as I've been sick since Friday was a challenge.
My boyfriend's stepson had a birthday party at a Chuck E Cheese we had to attend. He and I have become introverts and not looking forward to assimilating with others of the human race.
We went this Sunday to it regardless of our own inner demons.
We got lost for a bit but found our way, then with our hands intertwined we made our way to the party and found ourselves having a blast.
I found my inner pushy mother and made sure both kids had a blast. I made sure they both got pizza and goodie bags, cake and whatever else this party had to offer. I wanted this experience to be well, experienced!
I haven't been eating much lately and was genuinely hungry expecting what the birthday invitation promised of "All Adults will be fed" to be true, An hour into the party the mother of the birthday boy finally fed us very small portions of food. Oh my God, was I hungry, I had a small cut of a sub sandwich and one piece of chicken nugget, that was it. I couldn't believe the irony of actually deciding to eat and having nothing to eat!

 

Going Home after the birthday party was fine. My boyfriend stayed 2 days more at my place on account of his kid having 2 days off of school.
I miss him terribly when he's gone, but I know he will be back again on Friday.

 

I was told recently just how healthy and happy I look on my pictures.



Idk what do you all think?
Do my pictures speak more than words or not?
Is anyone out there still interested in what this ol' girl got to say?
Should I revamp blog?
Can you forgive a sporadic blogger?

Also can someone please tell me if the new Stephen King Book "Revival" is any good!?
I desperately want to read this.
Will talk to you guys again soon.
Follow me on Instagram @ladikaat69 for more picture posts! or email me on Gmail.
If you all have any topics you'd like me to cover don't be shy, let me know. I'm an open book as you can tell..
Thanks for giving a hoot still. I'll try to keep writing more.
You all are amazing!

Vlog 10/07/14