Thursday, September 20, 2012

Is this normal?

Okay today is my day off, I've spent the day in bed because I'm really fatigued and dizzy.
I didn't eat today, I've only had two shakes.
I took a couple of laxatives and finally had a bowl movement which is good, but has depleted me and that's bad.

I walked to the nearest Optometrist and found out my Insurance is active, my daughter's insurance is under some strange HMO or some junk and she couldn't see the eye Dr.
I need to call tomorrow and see if I can switch her over to my plan or find a Dr. that will cover her.
I hate Insurance, it's a big complicated mess.

I'm lonely.
I feel sad.

I'm thinking about work, and how awkward it is sometimes.
I'm not social enough.
I look at my other co workers and they laugh and joke, and alls I do is work and try not to pass out.

The dizzy spells happen but no fainting yet.

I feel sad because I think I'm an anti social freak.
I think I'll never truly make a friend.

Sometimes I wonder why anyone bothers with me now?
I have nothing whatsoever to say that's even remotely interesting.
I've been out of work for years so I must come off in the Pharmacy as green and idiotic.
Stick in the Ass makes  me feel that way especially.
For example we don't carry Adderall in the store so anyone with that script can't get it filled, so I was told to show Rx's to him regardless, I show him two, one for Adderall which he very nonchalant tells me we don't have, then I show him another, for a med we do have, he looks me in the eye and says "Of course we carry this!" he points to a shelf of medicine.
I don't know if we carry it or not, I'm new, shit I can hardly pronounce half the medications here.

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing here, I'm not fit for this job, it's only a matter of time before everyone confirms what I know.
I suck.

I suck at relationships, life, work, being a Mom.
I'm introverted and weird.
I have issues with food..
God, why am I still here?

Every morning I wake up and I'm still alive?
What am I supposed to this with this life?

I don't know how to fit in anymore.
My Ed and Mental insecurities have robbed me of a real life.

How do you all do it?
How do you make it work?

I'm starting to question everything, I feel like pushing everyone away.


ruby-tuesday said...

Dearest Lou,

My heart breaks for you and yet I can identify so much. I've been out of work and education for years due to my eating disorder. The thought terrifies me so I've become a virtual recluse.
I think you are so very brave to go back to work given all you are dealing with.
I can imagine it is hard because this is all so new but give yourself a chance. It will take time to settle in, to become on of the gang.
You say you have nothing interesting to say but Lou your blog is one of the most interesting, insight and funny blogs that I read.
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, then you would see the beautiful, talented, hard working, funny, loving girl that I see.

Give yourself some time to adjust to this new chapter in your life and remember there are assholes everywhere, rise above them and let them go.

Take good care of you Lou,
You are worth while,
I'll leave you with this quote from Dr. Seuss

'Today you are you,
That is truer than true,
There is no one alive,
That is youer than you,

Mind you x

Peridot (G+P) said...

Ah I have no words because this is the situation I end up in work nearly every shift. Now I stand and observe the conversations and wonder HOW people do that? Sometimes the old skills of faking come back and I can chat along, but most of the time I'm happy to be let them socialise and do my own thing.

Omg AssStick needs a punching. There is NO REASON to make you feel small for doing EXACTLY what he was telling you to do! Managers like that blow. Don't let him mindfuck you, as you said you've been out of the workplace for a long time. The transition back in is jarring and awkward but if you don't give up it'll be over before you know it.

You WILL make friends! Give it time, ok? Try asking your coworkers how they are, how their days off were and let it flow from there.

I bother with you because I think you're awesome. I love your blogs and I love your Vlogs. You have a really cool way of putting things and hearing about what it's like to live in Miami. It sounds so exotic :p

It's still the first weeks. Give it three months minimum, ok? That's the average adjustment time to any new job situation. You're already kicking ass with customer service! It's the customers who pay AssStick's wages in the end ;)

As someone who fucks ever relationship up I can't comment on anyone else's skills in that arena, but as someone who was routinely tortures by her Mum (I still can't say the "A" word. Denial as a survival skill) I can say with some authority that YOU DO NOT SUCK AS A MUM. NOT AT ALL. All the homework help and making sure she gets a balanced diet and keeping on top of school requirements and nursing her when she is sick. That's all things a GOOD Mum does. That's all thing YOU do.

Please don't push people away, it makes you feel worse and makes it harder tocome out of the isolation. This is a time of change, and it's a fucking rough one. Hold on ok? Things will get easier as you get used to things at work and adjust to the new routine. (Although AssStick will probably always be an ass, you can find ways to deal with him)

Oh man, you're making me wish I had recorded the clicking so I could translate it from morse code XD

Thank you for the hugs. Many many many hugs back to you <3

Anonymous said...

Lou, I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time right now, but this is all new to you and it will take some time to adjust.
Hang in there and don't get defeated by others.
Prove everyone wrong even yourself

Don't try so hard to be social, it will naturally come to you, right now you're just tryin your best to learn everything so you don't have much time to socialize, but you'll get there.
You have a great personality and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.

Relationships and Eating disorders are hard, just go slow and always be vocal about anything that may be bothering you. Your bf makes you happy that's apparent so just b happy. Tell him if Ed is getting bossy maybe by letting him feel like a part of the solution, the problem won't seem too big to handle.

Every here loves you, I've been a reader since post 1 and I'm so proud of you for all you've overcome.

If shakes are all you can do then do it, go at your own pace, make rules that work for you, no to Ed's are alike.

Good luck Lou, have a great day at work and just be yourself, that always works.

Love you.

Moonlight Mistress said...

I'm the same way. I go to work every day and work. I don't joke around with people unless I'm caught and have to appear to be "normal". I don't give anyone any extra information about myself because I like my privacy. I work and go home...

So, you're not the only one. I think there are more people like us out there then we realize.


désespérée de maigrir said...

What a heartbreaking thing for me to read, knowing that you are struggling in such a way that you are doubting your own purpose.

Lu, you are a beautiful, kind, and strong woman. No one is perfect, but you fight daily battles against great odds and somehow manage to come out on top. You are a great mother and loving your child is the most wonderful thing you could do for her and the world. Even when everything else around you seems dark, you must remember that you daughter is growing into a lovely young woman because of YOU and your guidance and love, and take comfort in that.

You will eventually become more comfortable at work, please don't fret. You are trying very hard and I'm sure it shows. As for the people you work with, that will come in time too. You have only worked there 2 weeks or so, right? It takes a long time to learn the ropes and develop rapport. I am so proud of you for getting this job and working so hard, especially despite anxiety and ED that can be such great obstacles.

Please try and take in a bit more nutrition to quell the dizzies and yucky feelings you have. I know that you can only eat certain things without feeling super triggered, but especially now that you're on your feet for many hours, you're going to need all the help you can get.

You're a beautiful soul, Lu. Truly.

Don't give up and don't push people away, that will hurt you in the end, even if it makes you feel better in the short term.


Jenn said...

Dude, You make me laugh every day and I LOVE YOU. Like for reals. If I lived in Miami, I would get a job at CVS with you and we would laugh our asses off every time we worked together. You never know--maybe someone else there is special too. And if you never let anyone see the real (smart, funny, loyal, fierce) you,they might not feel comfortable letting YOU in either. Don't give up! you're doing it and you'll see the payoff soon :-)