Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Let's catch up..

I'm out of work and have some time to Blog.

Let's pick up from yesterday.
My daughter gets picked up by my ex after we get home from the birthday party.

I call her later on in the evening and after briefly speaking to her my ex gets on the phone.
I called mainly out of concern, my ex lives in a studio apartment and has only one bed which he shares with my daughter when she stays over, he's been having a friend (man) from work stay over and they both now share the same bed.
I called to ask if the guy will be there when my kid is there.

Folks, I know I'm neurotic and also traumatized severely from sexual abuse as a child and again as an adult. I worry constantly about my kid being victimized herself one day.
Not to say that it will ever happen to her but I have to always worry.
That's what parents do, and that's what I do.

My ex blows up on me, I ask him if his friend will be sleeping over, he says "NO HE WON'T!
By my "friend" he's referring to my boyfriend who's visited me this weekend (I loved every minute of btw).
This means my ex has grilled my child about what happens in my place *sighs*
So I get no answer, just my ex husband acting childish and possessive and a Fool!
Today I go to work, I was supposed to go at 5pm-10pm.
Instead I get a sleuth of confusing texts, I am to go in at 2 instead, but then another text that says no 5pm and Tuesday come in at 2.
Finally at 2:20, my boss says oh can you come in at 2:30??
Ugh I hate rushing. I tell him I'll be late.
I get to work at 3.
The day starts off slow then picks up.
It's utter chaos at work thanks to the waiting bins which hold patient medications in alphabetical order. I maintain those bins beautifully as if I've designed the alphabet myself.
Instead its all out of order which makes my job harder, and pisses off customers who want their meds NOW.
I meet a new co worker who was on Vacation. He's straight?
I don't know, he appears so, but he acts like he's Elton John. He's also the reason why my waiting bins are a mess. I dislike him for now on sheer messy principle. I'll get to know him much later and love him like the others lol.
My co workers are sweet and nice even old stick in the ass.

Elton John keeps messing up my bins, which are looking like Dyslexics right about now, but he's getting off soon and I don't work with him tomorrow thank goodness.
The day is fine, I get one old crazy bitch customer.
I'm required to ask for D.O.B (date of birth) before handing over meds, for verification. She's an old customer, I'm the new girl. She gives me grief for asking her to verify D.O.B, then when it's time to pay, she acts like a puppy, she doesn't know how to use the credit card machine, and needs help paying for things. Grrrr!
Some people I swear. I do my job and help the old geriatric buffoon.
Other than that my job has been good today.
My meds were refilled today so my boss had to ring them up for me. He didn't look at them, but I'm sure he'll look me up later to see what I'm on.

I'm sure it will go something like this.
*types search* "Ah there we go, Lou...oh lookey here, she's on Anxiety, Depression and Sleep meds. We've hired and anxious, depressed, insomniac."

My phone is on vibrate, and I get two calls I know, the first my sister, the second my hunky boyfriend..After awhile I keep getting weird calls from a number I don't know.
I call it back and it's my ex husband, my daughter has a school project due that requires Internet and he needs me to do it, because well? I guess he's just a lazy, stupid asshole that just can't be bothered to do those things.
He will drop her off after I'm done with work so I can do it instead.
It's time for me to get off of work and I walk home at 10pm clutching my purse. I'm nervous praying I don't get mugged.
My ex keeps blowing up my phone, I answer and bitch him out.
I told him, he had all day to do the project, why didn't he do it?
He says he owns no computer, has no Internet.
I tell him that's what public libraries are for. I can't do it all, I work now too.
I have no car so what do I do? I WALK, I  USE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.
Sometimes you just have to make do with what you have.

My daughter runs to me as I turn the corner of my block, I'm happy to see her although I'm tired.
I get started on her project which is basically just writing about the Summer Olympics and the athletes.
I run out of ink as I print out the last of her report.
He gets her a little while later.
I clean up my house and now blog.
I had a shake today and not much else.
My Eating Disorder is bad.
I thought I could get a handle on this once I started working, but the opposite is happening.
I'm losing weight and I'm not eating enough to maintain any.
Anorexia is not Bulimia.
Anorexia is worse.
I wish I could be different, I'm scared.
Deep down inside I don't want this, but here it is.

I'm scared for my loved ones, my friends. They don't understand Ed's so they will keep telling me things like "Eat, just eat something."
It's not that simple, God I wish it was.
I don't even know what Hunger, true Hunger feels like anymore?
I can talk myself out of anything.
I don't want to be given up on, I don't want anyone mad at me.
I'm so sorry for being a disappointment.
I don't mean to be.

Sometimes I fear the worse, think I'll end up hospitalized or have a feeding tube.
I don't know how to be all better. What is all better?
Feels like I get so far then fall behind all over again in a different way.
I hate feeling so alone with this. I wish I had someone in real life that I knew here with me. I feel so isolated and misunderstood.

Today my coworkers had pizza they ordered for lunch. I had none.
I've had nothing.
I wonder how much longer until I start to look sick and emaciated.
Who will love me then, put up with me. Wait for me to get better?

I'm really tired, in every sense of the word.
So that's it for tonight, need some sleep. Tomorrow is a long day.
I miss my daughter, my boyfriend, my sister..
I miss confidence, I miss certainty, I miss security.

One day at time.


Peridot (G+P) said...

You have a perfectly valid reason to worry! He shouldn't go nuts at you like that!

Omg that dress is gorgeous. I wish our climate let me wear things like that :(

When the boss rings you to start early out of the blue, tell him it will take you (however long an un-rushed arrival would take +10min) to get there. THEY are asking YOU to go out of your way and get there early as a favour to them. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself in situations like that!

ASDFGHJKL Slobby coworkers suck. Tanzania NEVER re-wraps partly-sliced rolls properly and I have to waste half an hour re-doing them so we don't get bitched at >.<

Some customers shouldn't be allowed out of the house without a babysitter. e.g:

What a lazy douchecanoe. Ugh! Some males make me wish I was a lesbian!

I wish I could be as honest and open as you. I wish I lived closer and could help. I don't give up on my mates. I may turn into a recluse at time, but I don't give up.

You're not a disappointment! You're trying to do something really fucking hard all by yourself which some people can't do even with a huge team of professionals helping them! Don't belittle the progress you've made. Shrinerspark on YouTube said recovery isn't some perfect thing where things are smooth and amazing all the time, it's more like a swervy swoopy rollercoaster that goes all over the bloody place.

This shit didn't happen over night, so it won't go away over night. Celebrate every victory you have, no matter how small the seem to be. The mindset lies to you, they're actually massive accomplishments that normal people simply won't understand.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One sodding macronutrient at a time. You can do it. You are worth life and happiness and confidence and security.

I hope you have a good sleep. Sweet dreams of hunky men ;)

Moonlight Mistress said...

I haven't been able to watch many of your vlogs lately, so I'm glad you did a regular update.

It looks like things are working out at CVS. I worked at Walmart for 3 years, so I know all about bitchy customers.

Have a wonderful week!