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Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Alone


Do you ever like to be alone?
I do and I don't.
I don't because there are certain people I love to be around like my daughter and boyfriend for instance, oh and kitties!
I also do.
I like and feel strongest alone at times especially when I've fought with someone or have had an awful day.
The anger drives me and pushes me in new directions where I'm so consumed and preoccupied I have no time or put much thought into anything else like eating.

I'm starting to get a lot of positive feedback on my weight loss, once upon a time I would secretly smile and gush inward about how great I'm doing and how much closer I'm getting to that absurd desired weight I want to achieve.
This time around I don't know, something is different.
A patient of mines said to me today "Wow you've lost a lot of weight haven't you?" as they took a double look at me.
I nod my head and change the subject quickly.
I don't care about the compliments, I don't care at all. I hate when people ask me "How did you do it?"
There is no desired weight this time, I'm not trying to hit 90lbs again or less, right now I'm just so stressed and so, so sad and lonely I just don't care about myself anymore.
There are so many more important things to worry about than a meal right now.

My car's little leak is fixed so that's one less thing.
My sister is coming down next week and we're going to see Rihanna in Concert, I like some of her songs but my sister is obsessed, I'll tag along to spend time with her, she's the only family I have.
Work is stressful as ever, I had someone call me stupid because I told them are bathroom wasn't public and they had to ask the manager up front.
I had someone cuss me out on the phone yesterday over someone else's mistake?
You have no idea how much I hate my job.
My boyfriend and I are the same, next month (if we even see that date) we'll be four years together.
His ex is in his life more and that bothers me. Sometimes I feel like, no, I know he's lied to me about seeing her sometimes when they have to get the kid's from school and instances like that. I hate that he's a liar and today well I just about had enough. I told him I wanted some space and time for myself.
When things like this happen, it just makes me so determined to not eat.
I actually was thinking of going to this bakery near work and grabbing something to eat later since I got off at 5pm but once our little exchange happened through text, I just drove straight home and skipped eating today altogether.
The funny thing is I almost feel stronger not having to answer to him. Not strong in the "woman" sense like "Oh he's no good girl.." more like deep down inside I can focus on me. I can be alone with my thoughts and my disorder.
It's more gasoline for the fire.

Is it wrong to say that this feeling is refreshing?
That I am excited at the opportunity of doing my own thing because I have no one to check in with daily.
 Is this a reflection on our relationship or is this just my disorder secretly taking the reins?
I can't tell anymore.
My birthday was last Friday, I am officially old.
I feel as though I've accomplished nothing, I'm just another Cog in the machine.
None of my brothers remembered my birthday, my sister didn't seem as enthusiastic as last year.
The only person who made a fuss was my boyfriend who told me to please pick him up at his home.
He then proceeded to give me a bouquet of flowers and a cheesecake he decorated. His whole family sang me Happy Birthday which just about broke my heart inside because I can't even remember when was the last time anyone gave a fuck about me enough to do that.
The rest of the weekend was spent eating and me secretly throwing up. Purging this time around wipes me out so much.
I bought a pizza yesterday and ate almost all of it while I watched the 1st season of Once Upon a Time on Netflix, I then went to the bathroom and threw it all up. Minutes later as I'm on the couch drained of everything, I turned off the T.V and went to bed at 8pm up until 6:30 am when my alarm went off for work today. Binging and purging are not something I look forward to doing.
I feel like I'm having a heat attack afterwards.


I hate my job but look secretly look forward to it because I don't want to be alone in my apartment all week.
My daughter is with her Dad from Sunday night up until Wednesday at 10pm.
Work is distracting, it's something to do. It's somewhere to be.
The weekends are my favorite because I'm off and my boyfriend and his stepson are here so the house is full of noise and laughter.
Sundays are my least favorite day because everyone leaves me.
I'm pathetic.

My tax return came in and it's a good amount. I put 4,000 in my savings and have spent a few hundred on my daughter's room. I've painted it red (she wanted black) bought her a new TV and got a new bunked/futon.
I'm taking her next week top get her very long hair cut and straightened. She doesn't want this but the truth of the matter is I get tired of combing it and when she's with her dad she looks a mess.
Maybe this way it's more manageable. My daughter is 11 now,
She has breast, a Kardashian butt and hair everywhere.
I fix her very thick eyebrows (which were just like mines at that age) and remind her to take pride in her appearance.
She is a tomboy.
I can't stop this. How am I supposed to tell her to shave her legs and armpits?
She just wants to wear shirts and shorts all day.
I can't get on her ass too much about that, when I was five I wanted desperately to be a boy, I even told some kids I was.
Hello Kettle, my name is Pot.

Her Dad has the nerve to ask me to loan him 500$
Can you believe that shit!?
He texted me today again for the money and I told him No, to look elsewhere, I have bills and problems of my own.
He didn't too much care for my response.
Oh well.

I found out at work I have 2 weeks Vacation I can take whenever.
If I had more friends that stayed somewhere worth visiting I would love to get out of Florida altogether.
Somewhere worth visiting also means anywhere and anyone that would have me.
I want to see something else other than my four Walls or stupid State.
I want to have hope that out there is a great big world and I'm just so insignificant it doesn't matter what ridiculous problem ails me, there's more out there than just Lu and her shit.

So today I ate nothing but some Vodka and half a Xanax.
I am not talking to my boyfriend because I think he's a liar.
I work a 13hr shift at the Pharmacy tomorrow which will drive me crazy.
I've taken laxatives all week.
I have been having suicidal thoughts.
I want to cut all my hair off and cover my body with large tattoos.
I want someone to be my friend and come over and hang out with me.
I want someone to come along and say "I'm just as fucked up as you, want to have a cup of coffee, black no sugar."
I want someone to just be loyal to me.
I want to not want so many things because I don't deserve them






 


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