Panic

Last night I worried endlessly, so much so I took more anxiety meds than I was supposed to, thus leading me to get drowsy and fall asleep.
My ex hates my guts, he's not taking my calls and got drunk last night, I worried for my kid, all kinds of things popped in my head.

Today I had to wash one more load of clothes, I wasn't looking forward to the laundromat, its been so hot outside lately and I'm not functioning at 100% right now.
To my surprise and delight it's beautiful outside, gray and gloomy.

I was feeling better already.

The laundromat is right behind my apartment, I sling my purse over my shoulders and tow a small white plastic bag with assorted dirty duds.

I'm looking forward to reading.

The laundromat is empty and that makes this all the more peaceful.

Sometimes or rather most of the time someone always talks to me, you'd think not to disturb someone sitting with their nose deep in a book, but people are bold I suppose.

I was okay, I checked the time on my phone and thought of my daughter, what is she doing now, is she okay even?

I would wait till I got home to call my ex and talk to her, hopefully he would answer the phone.

Reading the Namesake and lost in literary bliss, my vision started to blur.

I couldn't make out the letters on the page.

I got scared suddenly, took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes quickly, that helped nothing.

I stashed the book in my purse and stood up slowly only to feel immense Vertigo.

Standing was not the best option, I felt really dizzy, I held on to the folding table near by and that's when it started, the horrible trembling.

My legs buckled beneath me, my heart beat pounding in my ears. I don't know what's happening to me.

The woman next to me took notice and asked if I was okay, I didn't know what to say except I thought maybe my sugar was low?

She helped me sit back down, told me to take deep breaths and proceeded to head inside to the little cafeteria and bought me a coke.

I sipped the cold soda slowly and felt no better, I never trembled so much before, I was terrified.

What if I was on the verge of fainting or worse.

I couldn't stand being in public feeling this way, I stopped the washer and pulled my clothes out, tossed them into the bag and quickly headed back home all the while sipping my soda and wishing that I could hear my daughter's voice.

At home my air conditioner blows, the two cats my only company these days light up to see me.

I drop the heavy damp filled bag on the floor and head to my bedroom.

In my home I can breakdown, I can cry here and try to make sense of it all.

I called my ex, I needed to know if my kid was okay, no answer. I left countless voice mails.

My sister is at work, I can only text her, no reply.

I feel worse.

I'm contemplating calling the Rescue.

I know this next thing sounds stupid, but huge part of me wouldn't because I just don't know what to say?

Ah yes 911? I have an Eating Disorder, I think it's gotten the best of me, send help right away??

I lie in bed and close my eyes.

I start to get texts, it's an old friend who is having her own ED dilemma.

Talking helps some, I start to tell her what's going on.

She suggests if I insist on calling Rescue to tell them that I'm prone to passing out, that I fell like that now, maybe someone should come right away.

That sounds better than anything I could say.

My boyfriend calls too and by now I'm really feeling bad, once the chest pains start the panic sets in.

Now my mind is in overload. What don't I think of.

He talks to me and tries to reassure me this may just be a panic attack.

I decide to take Anxiety meds, walking is hard, my legs wobble, I feel like a newborn foul being pushed to walk for the first time.

My boyfriend's voice is soothing, I can barely focus on what he's saying at some point, but just knowing someone else is there with me helps. My other friend continues to text me too, two people now each helping me in their own way.

I'm grateful for the phone call but secretly I feel bad for my boyfriend, the poor guy can't do a thing to help me, and all I'm doing is worrying him.

God, he sure picked a winner.

I wish I could just be normal instead of having this Eating Disorder.

I feel like such a burden to anyone right now. I can't understand how anyone can even talk to me still?

I feel like a small snobby child who refuses to eat their vegetables, my problem seems petty compared to what other people are going through.

I don't feel any better but I feel bad talking on the phone, I decide maybe I should make soup, maybe eating something could help.

I drink Gatorade and finished the soda, nothing is helping.

I head to the kitchen, walking slowly and grabbing onto walls for support, both cats flanking me, meowing in delight at the possibility of food dropped on the kitchen floor.

I grab a pot for the soup and turn on the front burner, water is added and it's all set.

The minute I let go of the handle, I know I don't want to eat this.

I make the soup anyways and go lie back down.

I'm supposed to call my boyfriend back, but I feel bad and don't want to bother him.

I change my shirt, I'm freezing suddenly, the air is off.

The tips of my fingers are blue, my toes little ice cubes.

My sister is worried, she also wants to know how my daughter is doing, I tell her my ex won't answer my calls.

I have no idea what's going on, what if something horrible happened, what if he packed up all his clothes and takes her someplace far where I won't find them, a million things go through my head, I really just wish my chest stopped aching.

My sister says she'll call the ex and leave messages of her own.

Within five minutes she and I get nowhere.

I don't think I'll be hearing from her anytime soon today. If I felt better I would walk over there to see her, but everything happens for a reason, maybe I should just try to calm down and not show this ex of mines how unbalanced I can be, he may use this all against me one day.

The soup is cooled and I pour some in a cup, I sip the warm broth slowly, it taste extra salty for some reason.

It takes me awhile but I drink it all.

I have a small cup of ginger ale too.

 Now comes the hard part, the thing that says PURGE, I feel full.

Instead I lay down and quietly rub my chest, tears stream down my eyes, why is this so hard?

I start to think about my Eating Disorder and how much longer I can go on living this way.

I think I need to start being more honest about this illness, one day if something does happen to me, I would hate to leave lingering questions behind.

More importantly I want to leave all this bullshit behind.

I need to get back into Therapy.

I think this time around, I'll be honest about what's really going on. I don't know what will happen as a result but what I'm doing right now can't be any better.

If I feel better I'll shower or nap, I don't know.

I wish it was Wednesday already.

I wish a lot of things.

Cat's out the bag

So I wake up this morning and I must do laundry. My bed sheets are soiled with crumbs and sisterly smells and all kinds of other things.
My dishes got washed late last night after my Internet went out again thanks to Comcast and didn't come back till 1am.
All I have to do now is sweep and mop and my Domestic duties should be done.
After I give my boyfriend a ring in the morning I head to the wash house. I bring my current read The Namesake along to keep me company. It's too hott out and it's only 10am.
I get calls from my ex who's currently getting insurance on his car only, mines sits broken and useless in front of my apartment building.
Insurance is no longer an option for me.

The laundromat is empty and the book is good.
Another call from my ex asking where was I exactly, so many questions this morning.
After the dryer buzzes I gather all articles of clothing and linens, I then proceed to walk back home, walking feels like a chore now and not a pastime. I should get used to it, I need to get used to losing a lot of things.

A block away from my house is a car that looks exactly like my ex's. I get nervous and wonder if that's him keeping tabs on me.
After I head inside my house and put everything away I proceed to call my ex to ask him now where he's at.
No answer.
I walk to the car that's parked down the block. I survey it and it looks like his, after a closer inspection I can see that its not his.
Relief washes over me, and I feel sort of silly.
I smile on the walk back home.
My phone rings as I just lock the door behind me, its the ex again. He's telling me something about child support and a back pay. I tell him it's nothing to worry about, he's been current on his payments, there's paperwork to prove it even; relax.

Our conversation continues, this in fact is the most we've said to each other in about two weeks.
He's inviting me to go out tomorrow, he's taking my daughter to the beach.
The last time I went to the beach was when my sister came, I donned a bikini and was on a mission, I had a bad tan lines that needed correcting.
I succeeded minus the new tan lines from the bikini, my butt looks like the baby from the Coppertone sunscreen ads.

Since I wasn't heading to any nude beaches any time soon I could live with that, that is until I got more sunburn courtesy of my boyfriend's pool visit.

Now I'm really screwed, my tan is of all sorts, I'm back to where I started, a multi pasted striped human candy cane.

I was hoping to head to the beach this summer and get beige, but the car went kaput and that plan's out.

My ex plans on heading to the beach tomorrow, he asks if I want to tag along. I think I will, sure why not.

He tells me to have my daughter's bathing suit ready, he'll pass by and pick it up.

Five minutes later I hear my daughter calling out to me, she's out of summer tutoring, hair a mess and uniform shirt tucked out in a rebellious fashion.

My daughter runs up to me and the very first thing she says in a hurried tone is

"Mommy, Mommy I'm so sorry, daddy knows about your friend, and that he's a boy."

My daughter is referring to my boyfriend, the one my ex doesn't know I've been seeing for about two months.

I've asked my daughter to keep it a secret, that daddy doesn't need to know yet.

The cat's out the bag, he knows.

Before I could even wrap my head around what just happened, my daughter is called away and my ex doesn't even wanna look at me.

He just says he knows about the guy who spent the night at my apartment.
All I could say in response was "Why are you getting mad?"
The more I repeat it out loud the stupider it sounds I think, wish I could have said something more profound?
Lol maybe not.
My daughter is hauled away and my ex storms off to his car *shrugs*.

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other on days that my daughter is with my ex, we've tried to keep it low profile for now, my daughter is still too little and probably won't understand who's this new guy in mommy's apartment, why is he always around or what's going on?

So we've been going slow, my daughter has met him a few times, and played with his stepson too, this past week he actually spent the night here on a day my daughter wasn't with my ex.

She's been taking it okay, this is new for us all.

This is my first relationship since my exhusband, the first other person to openly know about my eating disorder and depression and be okay with it, or accepting of it at least.

I've never had sleepovers, or privacy. Intimacy or trust with another person. I've never let anyone get this close to me. I trust so very few people, it's no wonder that my most lasting friendships are with people I've known over a decade.

I'm letting my guard down and trying my hand at being happy. I've had such few joys these past few years, how can I turn any new experience away, even if it blows up in my face later, at least I could look back and say I remember when..and it was great.

This is new for my kid too, another man around that isn't her dad.

A new apartment just she and I, new people in our lives, new friends. Getting older and understanding things better. Making decisions on her own that have consequences.

Helping Mommy out, understanding that we are really on our own.

We're all adjusting best we can under the current circumstance. I regret nothing.

So now what.
I feel?
I normally would feel sorry for him, I may even cry for him in pity. I'd put myself in his shoes or call him only to get into a huge fight and make things more confusing.
That would be the old me, the me that was manipulated a lot by him.
Today though, I'm okay.
I'm glad he knows finally, I'm happy that he doesn't pay a single bill of mines, the car was our last tie and now that's officially severed.
Maybe now we can all move on with our lives.
The only person I'm worried about now is my daughter. I so desperately want to talk to her and tell her I'm not mad at her for telling. I love her no matter what. I want her to just be happy and leave all the worrying to me.
I really hope my ex didn't grill her further, making her cry and confess every single little detail that comes to mind. I hope he's the bigger person here.
When she gets back I'll tell her endlessly that everything will be okay, I'm not in the slightest bit upset over this. I'm happy.
I hate secrets and this was the final one. It wasn't fair to my ex or my current boyfriend either, being kept a secret himself, he deserves better than that.
So it happened and I'm happy for it.
When my ex calms down in a few days maybe we can talk, although I have no idea what to say other than he doesn't have to worry about anything.
My boyfriend is a great guy, he makes me incredibly happy and I love him profusely.
He respects my daughter and is a very mature individual, maybe one day the two can meet and more proper introductions can be made, but that's a time far away.

My weight is good today, no b/p yet.
I want to eat soup later.
I was trying to explain earlier what sometimes leads me to purge all food I eat, if I eat and feel full then I purge.
The "full" feeling makes my mind think that I just ate a huge buffet of food, I feel heavy like I've just put on 10lbs, and heavy and full make me think of Fat and then all those thoughts jumble up together and I somehow get convinced that it's better and safer to just get rid of it all.
I associate "Full" with heavy and heavy means something that weighs a lot, and that makes me think of fat, and FAT is what I think I am.
Makes sense?? *crickets*

I have a horrible cramp in the middle of my stomach, I think it's probably just trapped air. Speaking of trapped, I'm very backed up.
I've decided to take some colon cleaners, two to be exact. I know it will take all day and we're looking at a poo baby maybe arriving tomorrow but at least I'm not binging on laxatives right?
My ear ache is gone also.

I'm planning on a good long workout now, followed by a shower and Heroes.
I want to write tonight, my head's pretty clear, maybe I'll make the effort and push myself for a change.

You know the only thing that I don't get is what happened from the moment we hung up the phone (the ex) and the moment he picked her up from school that made him ask my daughter or somehow get it out of her about my boyfriend??

*sideways squinty eyed confused face*

Oh well!

Happy Father's Day

My dad and Lou age 8

saturday

triggered

Bad day

The mechanic was supposed to see my car today. He was going to try to pin point more or less what the problem could be, my ex would tag along too and hear how expensive this would all come out to.
My mechanic doesn't own a functioning watch I think, he's never on time, he'll say I'll be there in an hour and show up five hours later.

In the meantime, my ex husband decided we should kill time at a Thrift Store.
The mechanic was still far away from coming to look at the car so this seemed like a good idea instead of sitting awkwardly in my apartment for a few hours.

In the Thrift Store my daughter, ex and I scoured the place for things we didn't really need, but you know how that goes.
I was thinking about getting a dish set if I could find an affordable set, my current ones are more impractical than anything, time for an upgrade.
I found a cute set that was just the right price.
My ex found some shoes and my daughter found a Beanie baby she loved.

I'm in the aisle with the books, and I'm also babysitting the buggy with all our found spoils. Suddenly there are two men who get into a conversation about my Dish set.
The first man, is very tall, brunette, and has the brightest shade of green eyes I've ever seen. His eyes were like marbles, beautiful to look at.
 The second is a shorter older man, he's dressed in clothing not appropriate any more for his age, he sports a full beard, almost white, and has a thick accent. He's a New Yorker.
The New Yorker is one of those savvy Thrift store shoppers that is always on the hunt for rare finds, my Dish Set was complimented then analyzed.
The first man was like me, suddenly enveloped in conversation he wasn't expecting. After awhile the first decides to go, he's heard enough.
The New Yorker keeps going on and on about things he's found, apparently my Dish set was made in China and he doesn't like that, says anything made there is no good. He recommended European or Japanese.
I nod my head in agreement, frankly it doesn't make a difference to me, but sometimes you just have to be polite and I almost always am.
The conversation turned from Dishes to Books.
He's a James Patterson fan. I know many of them, and they all try to convince me to cross over. I think I might, my only question is this, for any other James Patterson enthusiast, what would be a good first read since he has so many?
The New Yorker kept on and on with his suggestions. I found a book I wanted to read and suddenly was wishing he would be finished with his distracting banter.
My ex and daughter come finally and things take a turn.
My daughter runs up to hug me while my ex stays a little behind quietly taking everything in. The New Yorker says my daughter and I look alike and keeps on talking, finally the conversation starts to dissipate and I couldn't be more grateful.
The book I picked out is "The Namesake" by Jhumpa Lahiri.
I've read this book once already, it's one of my favorites, it's beautifully written and so emotional. I recommend this.

We head to the checkout and my ex starts questioning my conversation with The New Yorker, he's actually jealous.

I immediately get infuriated. He has no reason to be, and more importantly no right, he's nothing to me, I'm sick to death of telling him this.

The car ride home is torture, I can already see the gears turning in my ex's head, this will not end well..

At home, I give my daughter lunch and shoo her away, in my bedroom my ex and I have it out.

He's willing to fix my car with strings attached.

I can't do this anymore. I won't.

I'm seeing someone else, I have a boyfriend now, as a matter of fact I just told my boyfriend this weekend that I was in love with him. He's a great guy and makes me feel amazing. I feel very fortunate to have him. He makes me extremely happy. I don't care what we do as long as we're together that's enough for me.

My ex needs to butt out of my life and move on with his, no more games, enough.

I tell him basically that there will never be an "us"again. I'd rather walk everywhere and have a broken car than take his money and be in an awkward situation with him, somehow feel indebted to him even.

My ex doesn't like this one bit and goes ballistic.

First he cusses me out and says things like I'm an unlovable person, that I'm a bad mom and broken, I'm messed up, etc.

Then it just escalates finally before he leaves for good.

I was incredibly distraught because my daughter was with him and I worried for her safety.

In the end though, I know he wouldn't hurt himself or her over this. It just took me a minute to get this.

So no car repair after all.

My ex won't flip the bill and right now I possibly can't.

Later on today I b/p 1x and tried to settle down, sleeping was one thing I tried but couldn't. Too many concerned people texting or calling me which is fine in the bigger scheme of things.

The mechanic shows up finally hours later with a Volkswagen's expert assisting him. My ex comes too.

The problem is two possible outcomes.

If it's the first then we're looking at 800$, if it's the latter of the two then it's 1,200 plus labor.

The mechanic has a pow wow with my ex across the street. The mechanic suggest I sell my car, he can possibly get me $3,000 he'll try to sell it "as is" and for more then it's worth, he'll pocket the difference of course.

My ex keeps asking me what I'm going to do, he can't fathom me just letting the car sit there broken. I go off on him and the mechanic watches.

Finally everyone goes home and I'm left with nothing but heartache.

I tried to work out but couldn't. I was too distraught, the sobbing started up and I physically felt bad.

I'm drinking now and thinking a bit clearer.

I guess I just have to accept this. I have to just keep moving on with my odd life.

I can't control this outcome, so I have to just let it go and let God.

I was thinking about continuing to b/p till I couldn't anymore followed by a lax binge, but I won't.

I'll just drink and blog, maybe talk to my sister again and distract myself.

No more hurting myself today.

My weight is bad, I feel fat.

I want nothing more than to lose weight, my ED craves an emaciated Lou, but I can't.

I have to fight that everyday. I have to fight that longing for lower digits and bones protruding. This is hard. How much I lose seems to be all I'm capable of controlling, of allowing. It's the one factor that has nothing to do with daily struggles and unforeseen problems.

I have to make different choices because the old ones never work.

I'm sad today, I feel like no matter what I do things just keep piling up on me. It's really hard to be positive, my heart aches. I can't understand, when will I catch a break?

When does the hurt stop?

I hope to feel better tomorrow. I'm on day two of taking all my meds again, maybe soon I'll regulate for good.

Maybe I can be okay.



Turn that frown around