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Monday, June 18, 2012

Cat's out the bag

So I wake up this morning and I must do laundry. My bed sheets are soiled with crumbs and sisterly smells and all kinds of other things.
My dishes got washed late last night after my Internet went out again thanks to Comcast and didn't come back till 1am.
All I have to do now is sweep and mop and my Domestic duties should be done.
After I give my boyfriend a ring in the morning I head to the wash house. I bring my current read The Namesake along to keep me company. It's too hott out and it's only 10am.
I get calls from my ex who's currently getting insurance on his car only, mines sits broken and useless in front of my apartment building.
Insurance is no longer an option for me.

The laundromat is empty and the book is good.
Another call from my ex asking where was I exactly, so many questions this morning.
After the dryer buzzes I gather all articles of clothing and linens, I then proceed to walk back home, walking feels like a chore now and not a pastime. I should get used to it, I need to get used to losing a lot of things.

A block away from my house is a car that looks exactly like my ex's. I get nervous and wonder if that's him keeping tabs on me.
After I head inside my house and put everything away I proceed to call my ex to ask him now where he's at.
No answer.
I walk to the car that's parked down the block. I survey it and it looks like his, after a closer inspection I can see that its not his.
Relief washes over me, and I feel sort of silly.
I smile on the walk back home.
My phone rings as I just lock the door behind me, its the ex again. He's telling me something about child support and a back pay. I tell him it's nothing to worry about, he's been current on his payments, there's paperwork to prove it even; relax.

Our conversation continues, this in fact is the most we've said to each other in about two weeks.
He's inviting me to go out tomorrow, he's taking my daughter to the beach.
The last time I went to the beach was when my sister came, I donned a bikini and was on a mission, I had a bad tan lines that needed correcting.
I succeeded minus the new tan lines from the bikini, my butt looks like the baby from the Coppertone sunscreen ads.



Since I wasn't heading to any nude beaches any time soon I could live with that, that is until I got more sunburn courtesy of my boyfriend's pool visit.
Now I'm really screwed, my tan is of all sorts, I'm back to where I started, a multi pasted striped human candy cane.
I was hoping to head to the beach this summer and get beige, but the car went kaput and that plan's out.
My ex plans on heading to the beach tomorrow, he asks if I want to tag along. I think I will, sure why not.
He tells me to have my daughter's bathing suit ready, he'll pass by and pick it up.
Five minutes later I hear my daughter calling out to me, she's out of summer tutoring, hair a mess and uniform shirt tucked out in a rebellious fashion.
My daughter runs up to me and the very first thing she says in a hurried tone is
"Mommy, Mommy I'm so sorry, daddy knows about your friend, and that he's a boy."
My daughter is referring to my boyfriend, the one my ex doesn't know I've been seeing for about two months.
I've asked my daughter to keep it a secret, that daddy doesn't need to know yet.
The cat's out the bag, he knows.
Before I could even wrap my head around what just happened, my daughter is called away and my ex doesn't even wanna look at me.
He just says he knows about the guy who spent the night at my apartment.
All I could say in response was "Why are you getting mad?"
The more I repeat it out loud the stupider it sounds I think, wish I could have said something more profound?
Lol maybe not.
My daughter is hauled away and my ex storms off to his car *shrugs*.

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other on days that my daughter is with my ex, we've tried to keep it low profile for now, my daughter is still too little and probably won't understand who's this new guy in mommy's apartment, why is he always around or what's going on?
So we've been going slow, my daughter has met him a few times, and played with his stepson too, this past week he actually spent the night here on a day my daughter wasn't with my ex.
She's been taking it okay, this is new for us all.
This is my first relationship since my exhusband, the first other person to openly know about my eating disorder and depression and be okay with it, or accepting of it at least.
I've never had sleepovers, or privacy. Intimacy or trust with another person. I've never let anyone get this close to me. I trust so very few people, it's no wonder that my most lasting friendships are with people I've known over a decade.
I'm letting my guard down and trying my hand at being happy. I've had such few joys these past few years, how can I turn any new experience away, even if it blows up in my face later, at least I could look back and say I remember when..and it was great.

This is new for my kid too, another man around that isn't her dad.
A new apartment just she and I, new people in our lives, new friends. Getting older and understanding things better. Making decisions on her own that have consequences.
Helping Mommy out, understanding that we are really on our own.

We're all adjusting best we can under the current circumstance. I regret nothing.

So now what.
I feel?
I normally would feel sorry for him, I may even cry for him in pity. I'd put myself in his shoes or call him only to get into a huge fight and make things more confusing.
That would be the old me, the me that was manipulated a lot by him.
Today though, I'm okay.
I'm glad he knows finally, I'm happy that he doesn't pay a single bill of mines, the car was our last tie and now that's officially severed.
Maybe now we can all move on with our lives.
The only person I'm worried about now is my daughter. I so desperately want to talk to her and tell her I'm not mad at her for telling. I love her no matter what. I want her to just be happy and leave all the worrying to me.
I really hope my ex didn't grill her further, making her cry and confess every single little detail that comes to mind. I hope he's the bigger person here.
When she gets back I'll tell her endlessly that everything will be okay, I'm not in the slightest bit upset over this. I'm happy.
I hate secrets and this was the final one. It wasn't fair to my ex or my current boyfriend either, being kept a secret himself, he deserves better than that.
So it happened and I'm happy for it.
When my ex calms down in a few days maybe we can talk, although I have no idea what to say other than he doesn't have to worry about anything.
My boyfriend is a great guy, he makes me incredibly happy and I love him profusely.
He respects my daughter and is a very mature individual, maybe one day the two can meet and more proper introductions can be made, but that's a time far away.

My weight is good today, no b/p yet.
I want to eat soup later.
I was trying to explain earlier what sometimes leads me to purge all food I eat, if I eat and feel full then I purge.
The "full" feeling makes my mind think that I just ate a huge buffet of food, I feel heavy like I've just put on 10lbs, and heavy and full make me think of Fat and then all those thoughts jumble up together and I somehow get convinced that it's better and safer to just get rid of it all.
I associate "Full" with heavy and heavy means something that weighs a lot, and that makes me think of fat, and FAT is what I think I am.
Makes sense?? *crickets*

I have a horrible cramp in the middle of my stomach, I think it's probably just trapped air. Speaking of trapped, I'm very backed up.
I've decided to take some colon cleaners, two to be exact. I know it will take all day and we're looking at a poo baby maybe arriving tomorrow but at least I'm not binging on laxatives right?
My ear ache is gone also.

I'm planning on a good long workout now, followed by a shower and Heroes.
I want to write tonight, my head's pretty clear, maybe I'll make the effort and push myself for a change.

You know the only thing that I don't get is what happened from the moment we hung up the phone (the ex) and the moment he picked her up from school that made him ask my daughter or somehow get it out of her about my boyfriend??


*sideways squinty eyed confused face*

Oh well!

1 comments:

Peridot (G+P) said...

I find it so fucking weird that guys always freak out if we move on before they do. What, are we supposed to pine after them forever? Fuck that!

I hope you got some good writing done <3