Thursday, March 21, 2013

D is for disappointment.

So I'm blogging from my no fair.
I had a horrible workout, too much on my mind, plus too many behaviors.
Today is day 2 of lax binge.

So where I last left you all was pretty depressing, I'd like to say things are better but I'd be lying.
So looks like getting back to work won't be so easy after all.
I was on the wrong link, I'm not renewing a state license, I have to apply for one which is a wholly different animal.
I have to print out all my test transcipts plus an online application and mail that in to my state capital along with a check.
My broken printer and desktop mock me so.
I don't know how long all of this will take but I think I won't be working next week either.
As if that wasn't enough, now I have to worry about not making rent, my only available fund is more of my savings. I hate touching savings.
My ex stood me up today, we were supposed to go to Walmart and get the school donations going.
I pick up my daughter from school and she comes out with science project in tow.
Guess what she got..a D!
The teacher says its incomplete.
She was supposed to write a report with it??
I get so pissed I immediately throw the project in the nearest dumpster.
All that work for nothing.
My eyes well up and my stomach is in knots.
I feel like I keep letting my kid down.
Nothing I do is ever good enough.

Yesterday too many laxatives made my left kidney throb, I was Bedridden half the day in pain. I could barely walk.
This morning the pain is less but I've been bp all day.
I binged on more laxatives too.
The pain is back but I don't care.
My sister calls me and I try to tell her about how depressed I've been, I see she changes the subject quickly. I don't blame her I guess, I can be a bit much when I'm really down.
She's upset at my daughters grade.
I tell her I'm not donating anything to her school anymore.
I'm going to take my daughter out of that school.
I'm tired of trying.
Its frustrating for us both. Her grades have dropped to F's now.
I guess there are things that have to change. First the school then home life.
I guess there's something I'm not doing.
Maybe I'm too self centered with my sickness, I have to remember others aren't, I have to belong to the world too, not just my own little plane of existence..I have no idea how to do this but putting myself out there is a start.

I want to apologize to Elisa for missing your call, I was in the shower, and now I'm drinking so the crying has started up. I can't talk to anyone right now.
Can we chat tomorrow?

I'm just so disappointed she got a D..a fucking D!
I wonder how she feels?
Does she feel like a failure?
I know I do.

God sobbing feels good sometimes.
So that's it for today.
I'll vlog tomorrow.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Stupid complicated system! I hope you can get things printed and sorted out quickly so you can get back to work. When is rent due? If you have a paypal I might be able to help a bit since I've been able to find a buyer for my wardrobe.

Did they even bloody tell her she needed the report too? *hugs* I hate it when assignments/exam questions are worded weird to trip you up :(

Crying can be really good sometimes. When you scrap yourself your body bleeds to wash out anything that could cause an infection before it starts to clot. Tears are like that, washing out bad feelings before they can start to poison you from the inside out.

I'm scheduling Lou Vlog Catchup Time for Wednesday. It's really hard to watch vlogs now that I'm living with Miles and I never know when he'll be home.

Sending you a million hugs. Take care of yourself as much as you can, wonderful Lou <3

Alejandra Anacronismo said...

Hi, this is my first time on your blog, I've liked what I've seen. I totally get you. I'm a mother too, my little girl is three years old... I have eating disorders too.. It's horrible the feeling sometimes we get about not being happy with ourselves and most of all not being happy with ourselves as mothers. It's like failing in everything we do. Indeed yesterday was a terrible day for me 'cuz my daughter has been behaving terrible at any times... and i don't know what to do.. I get you and I'm following you too. Take care.