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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Double

First let me start off by saying thank you for lovely, comments, texts, and emails.
I'm sorry if yesterday's post scared some of you.
I'm so sorry for that.
I've just been having a horrible time with my depression and eating disorder.
Both things have just been draining me of any iota of self control and will.

I was very drunk last night and venting, not too mention actually writing.
I've had horrible writers block so I think I got carried away last night.
I apologize again.
I promise although am having suicidal thoughts, I promised a lot of important people in my life that I would never entertain those thoughts again.

I'm just very exhausted and overwhelmed, life keeps handing me tests that I just don't have the answers to.

"I realized that I had granted my illness lordship over me. In viewing my depression as a despot subjecting me to its savage fancies, I was able to escape responsibility, to indulge fully my selfish desire to let my ego flourish unfettered, not obliged to anyone. But this wasn’t freedom. It was a prison—a cell separating me from those who cared for me and for whom I might have cared." –Eric G. Wilson, Everyone Loves a Good Train Wreck: Why We Can’t Look Away

So let me tell you a little bit about my day.
Getting dressed was horrid this morning. For the first time in all my pharmacy life, I wore a dress to work.
It wasn't that I wore it to feel extra pretty, girlie or any other reason one might dress up at work. It was because I couldn't stand the constriction of tight shirts and pants.
I knew this dress isn't tight and it doesn't accentuate any lines on my now bloated body. Even still as I wore it and had about five minutes left before I headed out the door, I wanted to take it off again.
I felt like I was wearing a tent.
My breasts were embarrassingly spilling out of it, obscene almost. My new body has been filling out in all those womanly places like your hips, tits, thighs and ass.
 It draws more attention lately and that might be nice on most days but that's also a spotlight on me and all those other places that make me want to hide.
My face is rounder, my stomach no matter what I wear hangs over anything.
My collar bones are disappearing. God, all these things scare me more than a burglar or horror flick.
I don't know what confidence is anymore.
I don't know how to look in the mirror and turn away from shame.
I know some of you will disagree and tell me how beautiful I still am, I wish I could just snatch your mirror away and stare into it and hope even for a mere second to see the same thing.
After wearing this blue dress I start to walk to work, its overcast and on the verge of raining. I have to work two stores today.
The first store I get in and work with preggers who I just adore. She's the best boss I've ever had in all my years working.
I don't even punch in yet and she's already too busy so I immediately help her,  getting to work a few minutes early is always helpful.
We have a new outside vendor or "Cardinal" delivery man who doesn't speak English and frankly doesn't know what he's doing most of the time, preggers doesn't like him so I solely deal with him. We bond in our inexperience and at times confusion over pharmacy tasks.
I punch in minutes later and start my busy day.
I've had horrible customers over the phone today, random rude people in the morning which just makes me sad. How can anyone be so angry before 11 am?
At some point in time I notice preggers is on the pharmacy corporate website, she's telling me that she's handing out points. Points are given to employees based on their work, if you actually rack enough points you can redeem them for all sorts of fun prizes like gift card, electronics etc.
I've only received a full 20pts in my other store.
But preggers todays awarded me 2500 points based on my Customer service and work performance!
God bless her she's so kind.
It's inspiring to work now, I feel so different compared to a few months ago where things were so up in the air.
I've come so far I no longer question what am I doing here? anymore...
I belong here, I can do this job.
My shift ends and I have to go help out Dragon who's in the other pharmacy that's ten minutes away.
I stop by 7-11 first; I get an iced coffee for me then buy her a glazed donut; she loves those things.
I also buy a hot dog and a chocolate boston creamed filled one for me. I sit outside for a bit and eat the hot dog.
Hot dogs are safe sometimes so I eat.
When I head into the pharmacy Dragon lights up seeing me and invades my personal space to huddle next to me while I fill her in on kooky customers and my day so far. I think she and I will actually become real good friends. I no longer see her as a Dragon even, more like a comrade in arms as she is on my side really. We start to eat our donuts and then it gets awkward as she talks about how fat she is which she is not, I'd say she weighs about 115lbs.
Talking with someone about weight who's trying to battle an Ed is so fucking triggering. I actually didn't encourage her outlandish complaints, instead merely started changing the topic of conversation.
The day with her is slow and boring, We start reading magazines at some point and laughing at a customer who I spoke to on the phone. This man's only RX is Cialis, so he very shyly refills it not willing to even say its name lol.
I bust his chops of course asking all kinds of questions.
Four o'clock rolls around and I have to go much to Dragon's disappointment.
I'll see her tomorrow I think.
I walk back home in a hurry because my ex has my daughter and has to go to work.
Once I get home my daughter wants dinner.
I ask her about her day as I make tuna sandwiches for dinner. Her reading teacher says she needs to focus more in class. I told my daughter to shape up. I won't have a repeat of the last school year.
Unfortunately I've binged on sandwiches but it was only once and I didn't take laxatives.
The rest of the day in on the couch watching The L Word season 6, it's final season by the way.
As the night approaches that familiar calling of drinking hits me.
I'm out of smokes so head to 7-11 to buy more.
I want to cross the street to the Walgreens and get another bottle of wine but I'm actually so embarrassed because I've been going there so much to just buy booze.
So instead I buy my smokes at 7-11 and a bottle of beer.
I drink too much lately but I just don't know anything else.
It's all become some sort of routine now, work, b/p, drink, smoke, cry.
How can I stop it?
There are no support groups for Ed's here only one very far away in a church of all places that my boyfriend found online.
I've even thought about just googling an AA meeting just to be surrounded by people who drank as much as me and felt just as horrible by hurting others with their behavior.
Maybe I could do that. Maybe that could curb the weekday drinking I don't know.

I've spoken to my boyfriend again, although he's super sorry for making continuous mistakes with his ex girlfriend he seems genuine in his apology and wants to work things out.

"There’s no me if there’s no me and you." –Joseph Arthur, “Ashes Everywhere”

I love him I do. A huge part of me screams end this, go pick up the shattered pieces of your heart off the floor, someone out there has the tools to mend it.
I just can't.
I can't imagine going on feeling this sadness, its too much to bear.
So I'll stay and try to fix this. Give it another try, hope that the trust and respect can be won again. That maybe all this isn't for naught.
We are meant to stick by each other.
Maybe I owe us another chance, should give him/us that.
This is his first serious relationship and we all make mistakes.
I know I always need second chances and lord knows I grant everyone it.
I just have to hope that this will work itself and if it doesn't? I guess that's just another lesson to learn.
Like my beautiful friend so poetically put it..."You're just not ready to let him go, when you've had enough you always do."

I can't drive anywhere anymore so he'll just have to come see me on weekends if that's the case.
I guess we just have to communicate and if he truly loves me like he says then he will stop taking me for granted.

So now what's next?
Well this week that's not over entails more work at the pharmacy possible double shifts again since the tech who I've been filling in for has renal failure...
I'll have extra hours and that's always good since I have so many upcoming expenses.
The rest of the week will mean spending time with my daughter, trying to survive and deal with this current violent bout of depression.
Spend more time with my boyfriend and try to look at him again like I used to or at least allow him the opportunity to not take me for granted anymore.

Thank you all once again for listening to this sad girl..
Some of have reached out to me here on blog but if you wish to reach me at a more personal level then by all means do, email me at ladikaat69@yahoo.com  and I'll give you my number so we can text.
 I haven't given up yet, nor will I ever be doing so, but sometimes
I'm just too sad for my own good...

I hated being depressed, but it was also in depression that I learned my own acreage, the full extent of my soul.






2 comments:

Ellie Belle said...

:)

Ellie Belle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.