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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Flailing

It's Tuesday and that means work.
I've had some sleep last nigh until laxatives decided to kick in and kick my ass.
I tossed and turned rest of night.
I was in a fetal position thanks to my two cats who insisted on boxing me in to their comfort.
I love them but sometimes they are like those bad roommates who play music too loud and leave their underwear everywhere.
I started to drift off again around 5:30 am...
I had a weird dream about being in the Big Brother house and starting a "showmance' with Mccray the slacker long haired pizza boy who kinda looks like that actor from 500 Days of Summer Joseph something.
Anyways the dream took a weird turn as I dreamt my boyfriend's ex girlfriend was in the house too with him, and I made her cry because she had the nerve to call me a slut.
He was trying to explain to her that he loves me and wants to marry me and have babies. Then she had a bestfriend who was Tom from the Lword..
Omigosh; I can't escape this bitch even in my dreams.
Anyways walked to work this morning in the rain, I was dead tired and sleepy.
Picked up some menus from cafeteria's downtown for my preggers pharmacist who eats for two, picked up this one menu from a place she's always ordering from.
I punch into work and have to wear that big long sleeved lab coat that I hate cos mines is still dirty.
I hand her the menu's and she's like great, "we're ordering breakfast from there right now, what do you want to get?"
I dunno what's all this we business but looks like I had no choice in the matter.
Eating breakfast was inevitable.
I tried to pay for our breakfast and she refused.
Work was busy but okay, nothing I couldn't handle.
The other pharmacist from the pharmacy I park my car in calls to ask me can I work there tomorrow, I tell her yes but only from 12:30-4pm.
She's so grateful.
My preggers calls her back and tells her to stop trying to steal me away lol.
I can't tell you what a joy work is now compared to the other store where I wasn't appreciated and overworked.
The other tech gets to work and she's in a better mood, I think whatever personal reasons for her recent attitude have been resolved and I'm happy.
I like her a lot.
I walk back home having to borrow an umbrella from work because it's raining again. I feel bloated  Fuck.
I can't believe this shit. How the fuck am I supposed to lose weight if I'm always shoveling shit down my throat.
Laxatives are still active and I need to poop asap.
God it feels like the walk home never bloody ends!
I finally make it home sweaty, triggered and tired.
Behaviors all day folks.
I am so depressed and sad, lonely too.
I dozed off on my couch due to massive headache from purging.

Oh my lovelies how I wish some of you could comfort me.
I feel like I'm flailing.
I feel so outta control with my Ed.
Everyday it takes more from me.
I've been drinking every night now too.
My skin is so dry and riddled with bruises, my hair is falling out everywhere.
I'm bloated from booze and purging.

I cry every morning in the shower.
I dread getting dressed.
It's the saddest thing ever
God I feel so miserable I wish I were dead.
I don't care anymore, I don't want to be here anymore.
I wish I were somewhere else.
I feel like a fool, someone who's taken for granted.
I feel like a loser.

The drinking unfortunately helps and hinders me.
It helps in the sense I no longer feel sad, I feel numb.
It hinders me the next day as I am hungover.
The alcohol helps me sleep, helps ED shut the fuck up, helps me just tune out everything.


I hate this body, hate this weight.

I love you all and the support you give me, but God forgive me, I'm ready to check out of this life.
I love my daughter and all, but she will survive without me.
I no longer feel there is really anything around to keep me here.
I'm tired of lies, tired of being ignored, tired of one sided friendships, tired of people that are so pathetic they don't even have a title to me.

I'm finding it harder to stick around.
Sometimes I just don't care about how sad you'd be if I "died."
I'm not a good person, I'm selfish, self indulgent, vain, weak, stupid.
The world moves on.
My pitiful exit wouldn't be so earth shattering.
There are other blogs, other sick women.
My story is the same as theirs.

I don't matter..trust Me!
I'm a pathetic drunk who doesn't eat, simple as that.
I've been noticing the category some have placed me in.
They overlook the depressed, sexually abused, raped individual who doesn't want to eat. To they just want you to be okay because "Then every thing can just go back to Normal."
No, that's all set aside, in addition to someone who can't trust anyone's word.
I've yet to find  lover who actually loves me so much I'm worth it.
No, instead I am a stupid cow who forgives and can be treated any kind of way, I can be lied to, and fooled.
I'm an idiot. People do me like shit because I'm so "Nice."

I don't matter, I ain't worth shit.
If I were someone special I would be treated as such.
Instead am someone so pathetic would just let any scumbags back into my life to lie to me some more. I've cut out a lot of bullshit out my life but if I seriously wanted too, would cut out some more. A lot of people are still allowed to know of me because I grant them that. They are unworthy of course, but sometimes am so lonely I can't tell the difference apparently.


I am flailing.
I am tired.
I am sad.
I don't want to live.
I don't want recovery
I don't want weight gain.
I don't want this body.
I don't want to be cheated on.
I don't want to be lied to.
I don't want to feel foolish.
I don't want to be judged at my lowest point because lord knows I didn't judge you in all your patheticness...

I want what I deserve.
I want it now...




3 comments:

Ellie Belle said...

This is a scary post.
Lu you are an important person. You are a mother, a friend, a sister/aunt and on and on.
I wish so much that I could help you, you deserve help, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to see how beautiful you are.
Dont give up.
Is there any way that you can take a mini break to your sisters or something to get you out of your routine?
Please please let me know if I can help.
Elisa

Calla Lily said...

If you're flailing, you're still trying.
If you're tired, you've been working.
If you're sad, remember what makes you happy.
You don't want to live; not everyone gets the option.
You don't want recovery; but addiction requires help.
You don't want weight gain; but you must eat to live.
You don't want this body; giving up won't change your body.
You don't want to be cheated on; You don't want to be lied to; You don't want to feel foolish; these all indicate you still want something better - death offers no options for "better". It takes them all away.
You don't want to be judged; stop judging yourself as a failure when you're still trying.
Hang in there, sweetheart. Please talk to me. I am a shoulder upon which you can lean, my darling. Xo

ruby-tuesday said...

Oh sweetheart I know just how you feel I really do
I'm not sure what age you are but I am guessing you are around my age (32)
We have been this way for far too long
Bouncing from addiction to addiction
It takes it's toll on our bodies and minds
It catches up with us eventually

I have gone over that argument in my head
Whether to check out or not
There are more reasons to go than to stay but yet I still can't go through with it

Lou you are so loved
You are an extraordinary woman
You were the first blog I started reading and I have followed your story closely for the last couple of years

Please email me or comment if you want to chat
I am just a few words away
I know I can't do much from here but just know that someone right now this second in a land far away is thinking of you and sending you all the love I can muster

Keep on keeping on

Much much love x