Thursday, March 27, 2014


Oh my lovelies I am very stressed out.

My very expensive relatively new smartphone has been pissing callers off by not being as audible as it could, whilst I can hear you, you can't hear me, unless I have you on speakerphone of course.

I wake up around 9-ish this morning and it's 58 degrees outside, summer to some of you but winter death to me.
I hate the cold.
I dress in boots and tight dark clothing. a huge snug sweater keep the rest of me warm.
My errand for today is to take my cell phone to AT&T and  see what this so called Insurance I pay for can do.
After dressing I send an email to my brother's now "ex-wife?"
Her car's radiator something has broken and he's been pestering me about it.
God I wish I could talk about what's going on because I just am getting frustrated with him.
To surmise our latest talk he's basically asking if my ex can accompany her to the expensive ass mechanic I just took my car to.
According to him the car is still drivable, it just cuts off  for a  bit before it starts up again.
I don't get why my ex has to "accompany her." He'd basically just be following her and with my daughter in the car to boot (UMM NO!) my daughter will not spend her spring break wandering around helping adults who don't behave like adults getting their shit in order!

From what I can gather he just wants my ex to follow her all the way to the mechanic and then I guess give her a ride home.
I told my brother why doesn't she just drive that shit there and take the bus?
Lord knows I just did that shit not too long ago with a 9yr old.
I promised him I would ask the favor but I already knew how my ex would respond.
He doesn't know her and won 't do any favors.
Not only that but he's not working today and has my daughter, why do I want either of them ruining their Wednesday doing favors for someone who doesn't do a single thing for us?
I email her this morning.
I tell her he has to work (a lie) and also tell her I'm off to work after dropping Lil Miss B. off at her Godmamama's house (Lie no. 2), I'm so sorry but figure it out. Lord knows you were nowhere in my time of need wtf am I doing trying to accommodate you?
I've been telling my brother I work all week because well if I don't he would call me all day.
I spoke to his lawyer today and come to find out as the lawyer put it, "He has to go to jail, no ifs ands or buts about it, right now it's about how long..."
The state of Florida is enforcing the Maximum on offenses such as his. He may be looking at 10yrs maximum.

After the email I drive over to the ATT&T store near my home store.
It's bittersweet being Downtown.
Friday March 28 is the official start of the Ultra Music Festival.
 It's a festival I would love to go to.
After I park my car I wander the streets looking at Biscayne avenue get transformed into pre concert fair. My heart aches.
What I wouldn't give to attend, to have someone who loves the same genre of music attend with me.
Instead I'm reminded of the car expense that robbed me of this yr's festivities.
Will I ever get to experience all of my favorite DJ's under one roof?
Will I ever dance again?
Feels likes years since I've just been carefree.
As I pass the venue set up I say a silent prayer to God.
"Please Lord, let me experience this wonderful madness soon. Please let me have joy that has nothing to do with everyday responsibilities. Nothing to do with bills or other people's misgivings. "
I pray one day I'll be lost in a crowd, smiling and alive, basking in the limelight of the things that bring me joy.

I finally reach AT&T.
My phone has Insurance, I can upgrade or repair the current phone.
Unfortunately an upgrade can't be done until April 15 or 17 ( I forget which one.)
In the meantime they can fix my phone at some kind of service center.
I ask my boyfriend to tag along but he can't.
He's helping his family out.
I go alone.

The phone issue is solved.
My phone just had a lot of debris on the speaker, they cleaned it right up.
After that I can still trade in my phone and get something else.

When I get home I chat with my niece and sister.
I finally speak to my brother but lie.
I tell him that I have to leave my phone for repairs.

The truth is right now he's so fucking delusional I just don't know how to handle it.
He wants me to reach out to some ex of his he knew 13yrs ago.
He's still thinking he will get out soon and all will be right as rain.
His life is over.
No one is going to wait for him.
He is so fucking delusional I just don't know what to say anymore.
This is all affecting me to the point it's all I can think about.

I'm supposed to be writing, focusing on finishing this book.
Lord knows if the thing is published it could probably save my life.
My sister reminds me of any success to never leave her behind, her only request is a house right next to mines.

If only I could finish and take care of my immediate family.
Take care of myself of course.
Wouldn't life be easier?

To return the favors that were granted in my favor.
I'd love to do nothing else.

In the meantime I'm currently on Chapter13 experiencing the worst Writer's block.
How can I think of anything else other than my own solitary problems.

if I were ever a millionaire would definitely spoil myself because I've never known anyone else there but me.
I've always been there for me.
Not only that but I laugh at anyone who tries to think they can piggy back off another's success.
That's not how this works.
When one works hard they get rewarded for that, not the other way around.
Lord knows I'm due and one day will be.
Not a minute before.

All I'm concerned with right now is the challenges that face me and not anything more.

Have hardly eaten today.
Don't think it's relevant right now.
Who cares about food when there are so many bills I have to pay.
There's no time to spare.


Anonymous said...

Hey again! This isn't much comfort, but I'm glad that the max has dropped from 20 to 10 years... Please keep updating. I'll respond as much as I can. I want to help support you xoxo