Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Work, life, birthdays too?

So I'm home, did 8 straight  hours on my feet today.
I slept horribly last night tossing and turning, had so many nightmares.
Have been dreaming with my mother a lot lately and I don't know why. she wasn't my favorite person in the world and lord knows I wasn't hers either.

Around 4am the windows started their random pattern of trickles from the sudden downpour outside. The sound of the rain put me right back to sleep. maybe I could use one of those wacky sound machines to help me sleep?
I dozed off peacefully until my alarm goes off at 10am in order to get ready for work. My body aches terribly this morning. My headache has been constant, no relief but for a mere few hours at a time.
I have a lot on my mind lately, think headaches are stress related as opposed to ED related or maybe it's all relevant and I'm just fooling myself.
I feel so bad. I even have diarrhea for once as opposed to constant constipation. This is an odd sensation because it's not expected. I don't know what's going on with my body these days. I was bleeding vaginally like a period for three days but it wasn't a period?
Maybe it was a miscarriage, I just don't know.

Let's talk about work before I get into the new complicated thing that has touched my life.

I take a shower and get ready for work. If I were up earlier would have worked out but I didn't.
Instead after my shower, I do my longer Espresso brown hair and mascara. I head to the room and remove my towel. After finding underwear and a bra, I do a quick set of exercises via leg lifts and quickie yoga poses.
Anything feels better than nothing.
I hear Consistency is the key but that sounds like it's own hardship on account of how lethargic I've become over the past few months.
But I have to try. Always try.

I dress finally after much piles of "This makes me look FAT!' clothes are sprawled over the bed and floor. I decide on the biggest tunic I have over dressy trousers.
The leggings I want to wear are in the hamper. I hate dressy trousers because they have buttons and zippers and those types of clothing make me just about want to grab a scissor and cut my hair off entirely until I resemble a bad wax job. I get so frustrated with tight fitting clothing. I'd rather just wear unflattering shapeless sacks than ever let on just how mushy certain spots of my body have become.
I take all my multi vitamins and have a banana and a meal replacement shake my boyfriend bought for me over the weekend.

I drive to work and am anxious the whole way there.
I've been anxious more and more lately. It's a horrible tingly tightness that takes over.
My senses are hyper aware, even the loudest noises can make me flinch.
I hate my Depression but have never been comfortable with anxiety, that's something I just never want to live with or accept.
It's debilitating and my existence doesn't grant me the luxury to just shut everything out.
I have a job that deals with people all day, I have a growing child that wants a childhood filled with new experiences and not just being cooped up in a room all day staring at four walls.
My livelihood depends on being able to make this life of mines work somehow.
The drive there I have all my windows up and no radio on.
I focus on taking deep breaths and trying my hardest to not think ahead and picture what work will be like and the problems that may aspire.
When I pull into the parking lot, tears spring from my eyes because I made it, I'm at my destination and the first half of the day is done.
I can relax, I'm not dead from some car pileup on a busy street, my car didn't break down on said busy street draining my dwindling savings further. I didn't have a heart attack or seizure.
I'm okay just shaken up.
I wipe my eyes and take deep breaths.
Time to go in and get going with 8 more hours of dealing with things you'd rather not.

In the chaotic pharmacy the first thing I spot as I approach is a giant Afro.
None other than Macy Gray's ugly cousin is there. I sigh internally. Thought she'd be axed by now.
Oh well.
As I open the little swinging door my eyes lock with bright blue ones. My new favorite pharmacist smiles and claps out loud in a giddy schoolgirl fashion.
"Yay Lou is here!"
I can't help but return her smile and then the hello's kick in, one from the scheduler and the next from Macy Grays relative. She so phony.
The pharmacist goes ahead and thanks me again for helping them out last week and then apologizes for having me wander around the store for two hours since the pharmacy opened at 10 on account of a mix up in scheduling.
I tell her it's no biggie, I'm always grateful to help out. since I've started working here it has made a turn around considerably.
I dare say I wouldn't mind being around more even.
Macy's relative is in Production...(OF COURSE SHE IS).. so I decide you know what, I'll do something else and not help you. I'll help out in other ways.
So I do PCQ calls which are just basically adherence calls. The store is a bit slow so I do other things in the meantime.
I find out my nemesis leaves at 4:30 (yay). I won't have to deal with her all night.
There's talk that's it the Pharmacist birthday so the scheduler and I are up to no good.
We devise a scheme to surprise her with a cake.
We call the other tech with the bum leg who comes in at 3pm. She'll bring the cake and pastries and we'll distract the Pharmacist in order to set up.
The plan is in motion.
When the bum leg tech is in the parking lot, my chummy front store manager has to distract her while the scheduler goes to the parking lot to help bring everything inside the store.
My chummy manager concocts a story about his sick grandma.
It's so funny at this point how clueless she is.
The bum leg tech gets inside the pharmacy undetected and then we set up.
We call the Pharmacist back inside telling her that there's some irate customer in Drive-Thru.
When the Pharmacist heads over to the drive thru we all pop up from the other side and yell out "Happy Birthday!"
Her face was priceless.
I can't believe how clueless she really was.
So now there's cake and pastries, a lot. Everyone eats and I stay in Production for awhile while what's her afro goes on break.
When it's my turn to go on break I take a slice of vanilla rum cake and a few things to nibble on. I do eat it and don't purge at work.
Kudos for me.

The rest of work is great. I did have a few asshole customers, two no, four in particular who were just so annoying.
God this job sometimes.
My pharmacist gave me some candles that she got from Jamaica.
She then pulled me aside and told me that new policy mandates that employees are let known how their job performance is going.
She told me she loves how I always attend to customers even if I'm super busy.
The candles smell heavenly, my pharmacist is very sweet and I have work with her again for the next 2 weeks (Tuesdays).
Well my shift is done we're all caught up on everything.
I hope to have more work there, from what I hear through the grapevine, The Fro's  schedule has been reduced to once a week. Unfortunately for me it's only Tuesdays.
Work was good overall. I can't complain. it's teaching me to be hard and not so scared which frankly I need.
Okay so one more tidbit about work then on to other things okay.
I get a text from my other lovely pharmacist from the beach, she desperately needs someone to work from 2-9 on Friday.

I text my ex-husband first asking him can he watch our daughter but he says he has to work then says how about I just give you 50$ to stay home.
I tell him NO WAY!
Missing Friday will mean I lose out on 75$
He says sorry he can't do anything for me.
My boyfriend who's coming anyways decides to come earlier and help babysit instead.
I'm able to pick up that much needed shift.

Okay now lets get into other things.
Well my brother is in Federal Prison and he and his "wife" are quiet about the charges so sometime last Friday I inquire about the charges through a bail bondsman.
Folks, the charges are bad real bad.
They are so bad I can't tell you what they are.
So far only 10 ppl know about it and that's how we will keep it. It must never get out.

It was a blow I wasn't ready for but suspected.
It's devastating and my sister, his wife and I took it the hardest.

Suffice to say, my brother may be in Prison for a very long time.
My sister, his wife and I were concerned that maybe he may try to take his own life.
My sister told me to "prepare" for his death.

I'm not ready for that again.
He has hung himself once before with an extension chord and I was the one who found him.
I was very traumatized by that.
He's apologized to me and since then we've grown closer. He's been trying to make it up to me.
So now, my sister and I have become his caretakers. Sending him money, accepting calls, writing to him, sending him whatever he needs.
He's our brother and in our heart of hearts we know he's not a bad person, he just got caught up in something awful and got entrapped.
He's not desperate yet, seems to be in good spirits. I think he's a bit delusional at times not fully aware that he may be in there for a maximum of 20yrs or a minimum of 5yrs.
What can I do, he's family.
No matter what he's done I love him.
I only pray that God can help him and touch his life.

It makes me sad when he says "I miss the outside"  or "I'm lonely."
He's really fucked up this time.
I have apologized to his wife and she the same to my sister and I.
An understanding has passed between us that we must keep this secret.
We have to just try to move on.

So my brother calls me everyday and I email him poems and things.
We're working on visitation and getting him much needed supplies like shoes and soap but the Prison system is expensive.
Everything they need has to be bought through them, no outside mail, it will be all considered contraband.
I'm just worried about his safety.
I don't want anyone to know about what he's being charged with, I'm scared they might hurt him really bad.

So that's all I been dealing with these days.
My estranged family is just plain strange.
My nonexistent work schedule, my rapid weight gain, the depression, the anxiety, the loneliness.
My sister would like me to move with her.
In times such as these she and I are most affected and most apart via distance.
Ideally I want to be near her.
I find it a tragedy that we're not.
I want to be near my family.
Am thinking if this year my housing falls through and I'm forced to pay full rent and start again, I just may leave.
I can't keep doing this alone.
I just can't.

Something has to give. I can't just allow things to happen to me, I want a say in how my life goes too.

So tomorrow I must work out, have had way too many calories.
After that who knows.
Who knows what the day will bring.


Anonymous said...

Lou - you are a strong woman. You work so hard for your family. I am so sorry to hear about your brother; please let me know if there is anything I can do. Perhaps you would like to be e-mail buddies? Head aches certainly arise from a variety of causes; I first suggest making sure you get enough water every day. I've grown to really be fond of you over the months; I hope for the best for you. XO