The cards you're dealt

Good morning all.
Today am having horrible self harm thoughts..it all pertains to the fact I'm struggling with my eating disorder.
I don't want to keep living like this, am losing hope that my life can somehow be something different other than what it currently is.
The defeat is round the bend and I'm just running on fumes.
The small part of me that keeps going and trying to find positivity in any way is very quiet these days. I really don't blame her.
I look around and then at myself.
If I had better self esteem I could quickly find the beauty in all the things that do add up and make my life worth living.
Unfortunately my Ed reminds me that no matter how fabulous you think it all is, you're still you and god, not even you want that!
Noone understands me.
If I don't eat "stubborn" I'm being "complicated,  difficult. .."
Shoving food in my direction won't make me eat it.
I rather starve.
I rather purge.

I know there's a better way of life that's not disordered but frankly I don't know how to get there.
I thought I did, I allowed myself to continue to expand, but now can see it was all a stupid mistake I regret at the beginning of every morning.
I was wrong. Gaining weight fixed nothing for me, just made me more insecure and sad.

Am uber negative today.
Yes, today I'm not well.