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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

D Day



I went there with high hopes, my paperwork ready and an empty stomach.
Clonazepam in my purse in case anxiety starts acting up, I've already taken half to steady my nerves.
I wait patiently in my hard chair with my daughter waiting to be called. My daughter whispers in excitement about her new room in the next apartment, what color walls she wants and whether or not all the toys will fit in her toy box.
I'm worried, thoughts race through my head, the possibility that finally I will be able to move, that things might go my way.
What if they don't, what then?
I recognize some of my neighbors who are very content and cheery this morning. They are happy in their little rooms for one.
I feel like its a tomb and I a relic, aging and accumulating dust over each passing year.
all my hopes for the future lie in the hands of a government official with a blue tooth in her ear.
These workers have no idea how they can make or break a person with just a stamp on a form.
I'm finally called and give them all my paperwork, everything seems to be in order, I mention the obvious, I've been on a waiting list for a year, I'm mentally unstable, I have a growing child, I live in a roach infested building with a slum landlord who never repairs anything.
Please help me.
The answer is NO.
My lease is renewed for another year here in squalor.
My heart breaks.
No amount of begging or tears sway their decision.
My husband is waiting for me in my car, he's taken it upon himself to drive my car every chance he gets now, taking my key off my key chain and driving off.
My face tells it all.
The car ride is quiet and I'm already thinking about 1000 ways to hurt myself because I deserve nothing, because I am shit.
I stupidly believe that I deserve good things, I don't.
I am an awful person apparently. I will never have anything bestowed upon me, things like that don't happen to someone like me.
At home and I sit defeated in my Blue Chair. The tears start now and they don't stop. My head hurts.
My husbands asks me "What do you want to do?"
I tell him I can't live here anymore, I won't. I rather struggle somewhere else than die here in this little room.
He asks me questions about Orlando, what's it like, is it cheap, the schools, are they great?
Then he asks me the questions that makes the migraine come on.
"Do you think they have a Restaurant up there for me to work at?"
I tell him I'm sure they do.
"Well if its a better place then we should move."
What?
I don't want to live with you. Don't you understand? I am lonely, my heart aches for human contact. For someone to love me, to spare me the littlest of attention. Do you know what it's like to sit and do nothing but care for a child all day long, your conversations are about cartoons and answering questions, and non stop energy, you can never have quiet or rest.
I need to get out of here and I need to be happy somehow before I die, if only for a moment.
"I love you, I can give you all those things." he stupidly says while hugging my stiff body.
NO! I don't love you, you broke my heart are you fucking kidding me. I don't want you.
Now he's walking around with hurt feelings and a sour puss on.
I have no idea what to do now, I know I have to get out of here but I can't put one coherent thought in front of the other.
I feel like drinking tonight, and b/p and taking alot of laxatives and finding a diet pill to try. I want to not care anymore.
I'm fat.
FAT FAT FAT!
My God look at me, I hate myself. I deserve nothing but pain and so it shall happen today. I'm off to the store for my supplies, my means of torture. Food, Lax, Booze and later if I'm lucky my chest pains will finally take hold of me and squeeze my heart till I am no more.
I cancelled my appointment yesterday for the GP, I couldn't go through with it, I'm scared of Dr.s and Hospitals.
I've called my Therapist who can't see me today. I can't even cry to her, hear her tell me positive things. I have no one to vent to.
Happy Tuesday barely speaks to me now, our conversations are awkward and short, now he doesn't care about me anymore, just like all the rest.
I wish any feeling I have for him would just evaporate already. The Boy, he won't understand my sadness.
Last night he started talking about the future, how if I moved up there and we got serious, he'd love to live with me, that ever since our first conversation he's been smitten with me, that I make him happy.
I've never heard that before, that I make someone happy..
He says such sincere things.
I'm scared I'll fuck that up with my horrid ED and Depression.
Or the Age difference or the fact that I'm a single mother, even though he says he adores kids and even wants one of his own.
The future is scary, I feel like my feet are planted in tar, I don't know where to start, all I know is that I am utterly sad and in desperation.
Why do these things keep happening to me?
Why can't I be happy..

4 comments:

AKA 'Krystal' said...

Lou - I'm so sorry things are so rough. I think sometimes they happen this way so ED can continue to hold us with the chains he has bound around our necks and hands. Don't let him win! Even if u fall get back up and FIGHT! Every time he gets a little more we lose a part of ourselves but if u keep fighting - u will learn and grow from the experience. I wish u the best.

Emry said...

I'm sorry to hear things did not go well with the housing. I was hoping you would have good news with that. I hope you figure out something that will make you feel better about the future & in the moment too. Good luck with everything & I hope things start looking up for you very soon! <3

Claire said...

Don't give up sweety. I know its hard but you can get through it!
You deserve good things, you deserve love and happiness. Can you see how your ED gains control when you feel weak? Its normal to be down when bad stuff happens but you can cheer yourself up doing the things you love! You don't have to give up the progress you've made. Keep fighting hun you are more than your ED! you are worth it!
If your husband wants to move with you I can understand that- who wouldn't want to be close to your beautiful daughter? but make sure he gets a separate apartment!!!
You will be happy again, have faith and keep working hard, just one day, one step at a time.
*big big hugs* xxx

Peridot (G+P) said...

What teh flying fuck????

I got to the bit about the ballnchain asking about moving WITH you (While taking your car and freedom) and raged out int he middle of the Burns CAL. . . Oops! I'll finish up at home, ok?

FUCKING ASSHOEL CUNTASCK FUCKFACE USELESS PIECE OF SHIT BLIND KNOBWIT MORON! CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE NOT WANTED, YOU USELESS TIT?? Damn I want to smack those housing people one AND THEN have a go at that bloody wankstain for seconds.

THIS SHIT IS JUST NOT ON.

I'm going to start saving and shout you a holiday down here. No ifs or buts. I'm going to fly you down for one of our summers (It will still feel like winter to you) and show you and Miss B the sights. Bit of surfing/swimming (Got a wetsuit?) bit of hiking bit of getting pissed with the circus kids and a lot of forgetting that deaadweight.

It's not a tomb, its the forgotten shrine of some bitchin' deity and you're the representitive stature on the alter. Just a bit of dust on the gold leaf, is all.

Obviously the crucible isn't finished with smelting you, but you are gonna be one damn FINE katana when it's done. Hold on.

Gonna go finish thise hat and the pig for Jaq so I can start the Rhymenocerous. Moneymoneyomoney :( Source of all problems, cure for only some.

LOVE YOU! I MEAN IT!