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Friday, September 17, 2010

Caved

                                                                                           Mood: Defeated
Dammit!
Since yesterday I have been craving..I wanted to b/p.
I've been so triggered! I got a text that started it all..Then my husband, and my kid's school with all their nonsense..I didn't cave though. I ate yesterday, I restricted. I thought that maybe I could boost my metabolism this way so my body wouldn't go into starvation mode, I've been stuck at 144 for a minute.
No it backfired, I'm 145 today..Grrr!
Yesterday all the triggers stayed at bay, I slept them all away. Yesterday felt like the longest day ever. This morning the maintenance men have a long work order for my place. They are all inconsistent drones! They can't turn around without knocking down anything. They've been turning the water on and off all day, then they make a mistake and boom flood! Water everywhere!!
Omg! why is this happening. They glaze my bathtub and remove my toilet. They have to replace all the floor tiles too. Well if that wasn't enough, they are already saying that Monday they might finish!!
My husband, he knows about my Ed. Today he decides to nag me to eat something. I don't want to!!
He keeps on and on, "Why aren't you hungry? Why can't you just eat something?"
Omg because I'm pissed and irritable and I'm pond scum and I don't deserve anything! What does he do, leave to go get fast food..I won't say where but the initials start with B and end with K..
I'm so triggered, I know the binge and purge would just take this edge off. Fine husband comes back with my "crack."
I give in.
I can't fight it anymore. I binge. 1240 calories, that should just be illegal, no sandwich and fries should ever amount to that much. Its in me now..here we go.
I have no toilet bowl, they've removed it..men are in and out of my place, I can't purge in a bag, or garbage can. What am I gonna do? Think stupid think!
I've been informed by the handymen that the empty apartment down the hall can be used by us until the work is done, we can shower and use it. So I wait one full minute and start to plot.
I play up the dumb blondie-"Honey, where do we go to pee and poo?"
He tells me the info I already know. I tell him I have to go, I can't hold it anymore.
He believes me, so simple, no questions, no doubt, what I say must be true.
I grab the props-toilet paper and and empty garbage bag.
I head to the vacant apartment and do it. Its like riding a bicycle. I'm scared but I finish. My face is flushed, my eyes bloodshot. I splash water on my face and flush the toilet numerous times in panic, c'mon food chunks go down! I wipe all reminders away. I drink water, and go at it again and again, it has to be all gone. I have to get it all out. I am so red..I keep splashing water on my face..I look like I just threw up.
Now the evidence is all gone. Traces of my sin are down the bowl.
I clear my throat and straighten myself out. Now I have to face the workers and my husband. I go for the gum in my purse. No one suspects a thing, I've gotten away with it again. My whole body is trembling..I fidget to play it off. I sit and talk and then come back online. Now that I've done it I'm numb. I don't know what to do with myself. I can go all day like this, my husband is going to work. I am alone again. Mia is laughing in the background. I told you, you can't get away from me. I'm here, I'll always be here for you.
I'm coming down now, the anger is gone, I feel defeated. I feel like I want to cry and claw at my face. I can't do that now, I have to put up the facade.
I can't work out this afternoon, there are tools and tiles everywhere. I feel so frustrated. I want to binge drink tonight..I want to smoke a ciggy.
I want to just lie down and let this anguish out. The air conditioner is off, the room is hot. I'm tired and feel like a failure. So many things coming at me this weekend and next week, so many things that I have to do. I can't move, I just wanna stay put in this place. I can't think straight right now, I can't make any decisions!
I need a shower.
The craving continues to nag at me. The voice is there. I feel fine, no headache, no chest pains, just the taste in my mouth and the burn in my throat. What have I started?
Be strong and fight this..I can't just give in like this. Why did I have to eat that. I was doing so well since Sunday.
I feel dizzy when I get up now..Its starting, the mind games.

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