Begin

 Tomorrow is my first day back at work. It's only for four hours but after almost one complete year of rest and self isolation, I'm still shaking my head as how this all came about.

I don't feel ready but I guess it's time to get back into the world.  I hope this works out.

I'm excited and terrified all at once, let's see how it goes, wish me luck. 

You've got the Job

 I got the job.https://newtounemployment.blogspot.com/2021/05/you-got-job.html

Changes

                                                                    "Penny"

                                                          Born February 7, 2021

                                                   Joined the brood April 23, 2021

  Penny's Instagram

  penny_thestbernard please follow :)

 I'd like to fall apart now.

New Blog!

https://newtounemployment.blogspot.com/2020/08/do-i-smell.html?m=1

Follow this new installation of my life.

Although, I will be back; here if course duh. You have no idea this weight!

"NEW TO UNEMPLOYMENT!!"

How long can I get away with wearing the same pair of pajamas? 

I'm sure this is a question of the ages.

I discovered micro-drinking one fine November morning in 2019 whilst on vacation.

It was during the witching hour on an extra brisk morning as I was prepping the giant turkey carcass for the annual tradition of Thanksgiving/Birthday celebration at my sister's house in Orlando. This year was particularly special because our eldest brother was joining us in what I hope to continue in a new tradition, well as normal and hopeful as one can get post Covid times. 

My sister's small bar had one theme going for itself and that was RUM. Rum would not be my first choice. I'd like to proudly proclaim in an AAA meeting how Vodka was the one to ruin my life. Rum wouldn't have reeked as much havoc.

Look, I would drink mouthwash if circumstances presented itself so, but in our case it's Rum, so when in rum? it's fucking free booze on your shit vacation from the job which you've come to loathe as much as your own reflection. My life revolved around making 3 to 4 possible week long escapes from the THREE LETTER pharmacy hell as possible. 

I found out that micro-drinking was amazing one fine morning when the hangover from the night before was resonating it's loudest. I've seemed to stumble among some kind of cure.

My sister's house was full that day, my brother sleeping on the couch in the living room teaming with cats, dogs and Christmas lights. My two nephews sleeping in one room, my sister fast asleep with her boyfriend in the next room. My daughter and I were sleeping in the eldest room, we were not alone, we had a giant pit bull, and a kitten smothering me.

I awake to hit a small joint in my sister's freezing am garage. Pets everywhere I look, it's the most runny my nose has been this year. The pot weighs heavily on my eyes for a moment before evaporating into a lightness all too familiar to me.

I baste turkey and fixings in the perspective places,  Captain Morgan unbothered by the time, sits and stares unfulfilled in my direction.

My head throbs a bit, I forgo taking any meds at this time, and instead take four shots with the spicy captain. I feel leveled almost immediately, not once did it cross my mind how dangerous that was, to feel comfortable in another version of repetition. 

Essentially that is all drinking and working, family, fucking, breathing, eating, and talking really is. Many poisons to choose from. Repetition.

Many forms of time that are all in their own order of importance.

Drinking helped the medicine of life go down, and made a vacation bearable. 

The rest of my vacation was a blast, there was one night my sister went to bed ridiculously early leaving my brother to get too high with me, leading up to him throwing up all over himself and trying to quietly clean it up while bringing attention on the problem was hysterical.

We went to Ripley's Believe it or not Museum followed by a lot of drinking and eating spicy buffalo wings at Hooters. 

My brother and I started The Mandolorian, we've not finished it. Does anyone know if baby Yoda lives?

I drank a lot all day that one easy week in November...

Today is August 1, 2020.

I have been unemployed for 2 weeks, the first two weeks of my eight year as a Lead Pharmacy Tech.

I drink any time of day now. It's not micro-dosing fun, it's depression.

I lost my job. Well no, let me rephrase that, I didn't lose shit, the corporate assholes in charge noticed I'd been there eight years and have started to make over eighteen dollars an hour and due to Covid 19 and no actual school, I can do a proper 40 hour work week. They decided to fire me for using an old gift card that belonged to someone else. Yep, apparently my $18.00 purchase equals massive theft for this non tax paying multi million dollar corporation, I almost cost thousands their office jobs from home!

I can see how totally bullshit this is, lord knows I've stolen from work far more than a mere eighteen dollars but this is the charge I'm accused of. 

I don't argue or make a scene, instead I spend the first week of this smearing campaign of my name, my dismissal as a total drinking spree no questions asked.

My lovely boyfriend who's a Virgo, enough said, decides to forgo his nagging and go to bed at 8 pm and wake up at 3 am and continue to drink with me. He's not been himself and that's been the most understanding, empathetic thing he could do, just don't be you and you will understand me and why I just want to cry.

We finish 8 seasons of Game of Thrones, we are now binging  Six Feet Under and The Hand Maid's Tale. 

We smoke and drink, he lets me just cry at random intervals daily. Sounds like a normal Pisces weekend except I've been sacked. 

I get to just feel sad.

Week two of unemployment and I hear from less and less people from work with and I understand just how unimportant I am and what a fool I'd been for taking pride in what I do and who my colleagues were. My boss especially. I thought he'd drive by my apartment after work to tell me how much work sucked without me or to even try and hand deliver forms that I needed filled out for government benefits. Nope, no such luck.

Guess when everyone else's money is okay, you forget what it is like to be hungry.

I apply for unemployment benefits and food stamps. Unemployment Benefits are in the air seeing as the U.S.A has so many people on unemployment, it makes me so mad, not at the poor masses who've had to file early and deserve their money. 

I am unemployed after having my coworker Useless call out that first two weeks when Covid was still called Corona Virus, or Wuhan Virus and still have his job, my boss who took off in March to have a baby, then decided to pussy out during Corona Virus and took even more time off, yes, I am unemployed after two 5' foot 2 men decided to reactivate their cock power rings.

The sadness becomes anger at times. I still go back and relive the whole awful embarrassing debacle again and cry. Cry for the meekness that I felt, the imaginary rug burns I felt at my knee caps from hoping somehow this horrible job that I loathed somehow would see my worth and contribution and please not fire me because I have nothing else. 

At first this whole debacle was just a suspension.

I applied for unemployment that same day on July 17, 2020.

I knew I was going to be fired. 

It wasn't until Friday 24th, when I realized my boss didn't give a shit about me--true story!

He hadn't filled out my Income Verification Form, he said something about something but to be honest I wasn't listening to him anymore.

So my other pharmacist filled out this stupid paperwork that was asked of me,  I told my former boss to forget about it, I don't think he gave three thick shits about it anyways. See when you care about a person, you make an appearance. If that hasn't happened yet to you, well baby they don't care about you..

I put on Mascara today, nothing else.

Am I important again?

Work is work, I don't miss it. I miss the people who were my real friends, and now I can see who are the ones that only pretended. Fuck my sister who seems to revel in my misery and compete with me more than I want.

You are still older than me on paper bitch.

Yes I've worn these clothes for 4 days straight WHAT OF IT!!

 

What a wonderful world

The week begins for me later than usual, the scheduled hours keep moving around so now I'll go in this week at 10 instead of 9.
The extra sleep is appreciated believe you me.

I've been having headaches all weekend long, this morning is no exception.
A quick shower and plenty of Tylenol later, I try to make this mug have some hue instead of my usual florescent skin tone. I gobble my Anti Depressants, Benzos, and High BP medication, and diuretic even. Numb is the name of the game.

Getting ready and there's a nip to knee caps, my ferret. Buddy whose notorious for making me late, well one of the many reasons.

There's also my neighbors abandoned 2 cats who I and two more neighbors in my bldg have assumed charge of. Then there's 8 fish tanks with a plethora of hungry mouths bubbling at the surface.

Let's not forget the number one reason for tardiness this summer, my CAR.
On today's episode of Days of our Hyundai, we have the feisty gas deprived vehicle with an A.C that works for only ten minutes on a shady or wet morning. This powerless house of vehicle also has one peg tire who's rim can puncture the tire and explode as I punch it to 60 mph, thus sending me in a spirally death that no one will find out about until much later because I have no immediate loved ones, or so I've been told by my mechanic who wants positive Yelp reviews after each visit.
I'm running 10 minutes behind this morning but I can't help that at this point, I'll put gas when I get out of work today.
I make it to the Pharmacy or as I like to call it Patient Zero site, with four minutes to spare.
Step right up folks to a ceiling that has no tiles and hoses to suck roof leakage into small weird barrels that resemble Phantasm territory here. Blue Tarps covering merchandise aisles. Then there's our friends the RATS who have daily races above our cheap particle board ceiling tiles from Home Depot I bet. Don't forget the lovely psychedelic MOLD that is slowly spreading slowly laying harvest in our chest like some symbiotic host. It's only a matter of time before I become some kind of Cholesterol reducing Mutant or Opioid enhancing Mutant due to my pharmacy powers!
If that doesn't kill you then how about UTI girl! She's equipped with Urinary Tract Infections or Incontinence due to holding her urine in because our employee bathrooms are always broken, no worries my friend, because BAM! She can pee in a cup and dump it down the sink if need be instead of journeying outside in search of a functioning restroom.
There's also the Body Odor villain who has journeyed 45 minutes outside her home in her Golden chariot with no a.c, she's hot and no working a.c at the Pharmacy will make for new smelly weapons. She has no worries as she's really cool with the Beauty Consultant Master who lets her try on free samples.
I see my Boss in frantic at the register so I bolt left to the perfume samples and make sure I don't smell like a Spin Instructor on a 60 minute bender.
After punching in, he hugs and kisses me enthusiastically exclaiming "About fucking time!"
I usually make Cuban coffee (a.k.a liquid crack ) and now thanks to my Boss who brought a Keurig for myself the minute I punch in.
He needed coffee the poor thing, I did too.
"Useless" or so I called him then has upgraded, he's become such a sweetheart that he does not fail to give me a hard kiss and hug whenever he sees me. He's bought me my favorite creamer and coffee pods. He's also trying a lot harder, I can honestly say without ridicule that he's finally a team member and my friend. He's not so useless anymore, thus I'll call him INCONVENIENCE, a student whose school schedule has fucked me on more than one occasion how many doubles are allotted.
I make Cuban coffee or "Colada" as the annoying array of tourist who populate my neighborhood  every weekend would request.
I make my own java and so we begin.
Work is repetitive and arbitrary. My hands are currently experiencing arthritis in the making, or maybe the lack of proper nutrition is causing this. It's difficult to make a fist some days.
I have a short schedule this week but I do my best.
Today was my last Xanax.
I won't be able t fill my script until the 8th, I've been taking more than usual due to personal reasons. Now I'm down to the last one. Xanax has been the only thing that keeps me from either drowning in tears or feeling everything simultaneously. HAIL HYDRA, ALPRAZOLAM!
The drive to work is terrifying as I go 60 mph with a car that has bad shocks..
Emergency Xanax is important, but it's gone now.
At work I do what I can, the same boring things occur.
I'd like to talk about current events but we are prohibited to talk about Politics via email, so instead you may hear just sound bits here and there in whispers.
I count the clock till 3 pm.
Nothing fascinating is happening here. I work and drown in bills, am single with a teenager whose starting High School soon.

I'm currently at 150 lbs.
I am beside myself.
I'm trying to lose this weight, it's harder now. I can go all week without eating, but when the weekend comes around. I keep it all down..Guess that's the problem. I haven't embraced MIA in a long time but now, I really need to not be this weight, I've suppressed this persona long enough.
Behaviors may be resurfacing, who cares or notices. It's just me now. Time to get serious about restricting and fasting.

I think sometimes it's better to keep it tight with important personal details, what good are two or more to know your distress yet do nothing to help you.
Cut them off, it's time.
Lots of shootings in the News. I don't want to die buying school supplies on sale. Why does my daughter deserve a bullet to her abdomen? Since when did speaking more than one language become a death sentence? She'll be attending a very large, unknown public school, it's far and I have no idea what transport we'll have.

I've discussed escape routes with coworkers of mines. This weekend when I do my Back to School shopping, I will absolutely buy a bullet proof book bag.
Times have changed, people are a bit more opinionated when it comes to what they think is the absolute truth.

I just want to get my kid through High School and into a career she aspires for.
I don't ask for much, I just want a proper BMI and someone I can wake up to every morning that's not a member of the Animal Kingdom.
I want a working car, a decent place to live, health and prosperity.

Today ended with me buying take out and napping til 8 pm.
I have tons on my mind lately, most importantly it's solely on me for the resolve. Most do not understand the profound feeling of Failure but I do.
Midnight now so it's my bedtime.
Talk to you again soon.

The Chronicles of Pharmacy

The incredible adventures of Mundane Girl

Every day I wake up and it's like Grounds Hog day.
There's the alarm going off at seven, then for about five minutes or so, the inner turmoil of calling out sick at work or trying to come up with some other impending disaster crosses my mind.
When my bank account comes to its senses, I hit the the shower. I wake my daughter up for school and she has to get ready with me in the mornings now because her father is unable to take her anymore. He's going through some kind of mid life crises sans convertible. So now my main priority in the mornings is to beat the clock. Every morning since school has started feels like a science experiment, I'm seeing what works when it comes to eta.
Some mornings I'm early, most mornings I'm not. I get to work usually ten minutes late or so.
Driving is super fun now. My car's a.c is broken so I'm driving in 85 degree heat for an hour at 8am in leather seats. My car horn was doing this incredibly embarrassing thing where it went off for no reason for minutes on end. This was particularly fun at work having customers point out a very noisy Hyundai in the parking lot. Once my Boss even went to my car trying to fix the problem by removing the horn wire from the battery but was unsuccessful.
My boyfriend had to see the disaster for himself one weekend as I don't think he understood the sheer train blaring noise this sedan gave off.
Car alarms would go off in the distance, My boyfriend had the car keys in his hands ready to spring into action. See to stop the honking you had to press down on the steering wheel.
"Is that your car?" he would say to each little mickey mouse car alarm nearby.
I'd simply say wait for it.
Then, there she blows!
There was no way to stop this, finally we had to just remove the horn relay altogether.
So now I have NO HORN.
I have to take a Xanax before driving anywhere because I kid you not, I swear everyone is out to get me, even pedestrians and the other morning a chicken crossing the road.
Drivers is Miami are always in a rush and make up their own traffic laws. I'm queen of the fuck you via horn, but now I'm like Ariel, no more AaaaaaaAAaaaa..
So to recap, I'm hot, and very late every morning on my way to work.
Work.
Work is one of those places where your soul dies a little with each punch in.
Don't get me wrong the days of Dragon are behind us but I still hate the place. There are worse pharmacies I could be in so I shouldn't complain too much.
My new Boss is a man and younger than me (31), he's overly ambitious I would say. Everything feels like a competition, he wants to do so many things with so little hours in the day or rather my shift. Seems like that's the only time things get done. He refers to the pharmacy as a factory because well it is.
See when I'm behind that counter I'm no longer a person, I'm a worker. So if the patient is having a bad day guess who gets to find out first.
I've been called stupid, incompetent, a bitch, a retard, oh and I'm always trying to kill them of course, god forbid their doctor makes a mistake or the crappy insurance they chose is to blame, Nope it's me.
I'm uninspired at work. Once I had plants all over the pharmacy, even a betta bowl. It brought me some kind of joy, a reminder that there's outdoors just yonder from this place.
The new LP lady didn't approve so goodbye greenery.
Now the fluorescent lighting is all just for me. The first thing I do after clocking in is make coffee. It used to be just for us in the factory but now the Home office thinks customers should have some too. So now I'm a barista in addition to legal drug dealer and punching bag.
After serving my boss his java, I head over to the production assembly line. I count colorful pills for hours only stopping to answer the phone or taking the pick up register. Then the fun begins, the phone calls from geriatrics who want to know why the automated system called them. I get this constantly on the phone and in person. I'd say 46% of the most common thing said to me is "I had a message from you guys?"
Really? get the fuck out, you don't say! How about you listen to what the annoying robocall is saying instead of coming in person to ask me and then getting pissed off when there's no medication ready for you. I've had people shove phones in my face with text messages that say what the hell they want.
Hey dumb ass you want a refill, text YES.
Heavy sigh*
You see I can't say things like that once I'm behind the counter. I've been chastised for defending myself. That's not "Customer Service."
How about I do a Public Service and stick my foot up your ass.

After slaving over a counter all day alone with my boss Pidgeotto flapping around in the background, help arrives in the form of Useless or Cranky formally known as clingy. I call her cranky now because she stopped talking to me at work for no reason for like two months. It was awkward as we couldn't be on the same shift for too long. She does this a lot with everyone, so I have no time for that and took her off all my social media. She talks to me now but it can never be like before, I keep it just about the work and mention nothing personal.
If Cranky happens to come in that means Pidgeotto is gonna be annoying, it's a pattern. Maybe she upsets him or I don't know, all I know is I'll be typing a lot and doing little side missions. There will also be plenty of mansplaning and taking of the thunder.
See folks whilst Pidgeotto is easy on the eyes and sometimes cocky, he's also a shit.
Exhibit A:
Patient: I have no insurance how much will vaginal cream cost?
Me: Retail price is $125.00
Patient: Dollars?!
Me: I'll apply a coupon give me a few minutes to work on this, I'll call you.

I proceed to find the best price for them and reduce the cost down to 35$
I head to the register to ring them up and then I hear flapping in the background.

Pidgeotto: Yea you see I found you a coupon so I brought it down to 35$
Patient: OMG thank you so much for all your help! *creams pants*
Pidgeotto: No problem, anytime.
So you see only when Cranky and I work with him does he swoop in and take all the credit. When Useless flails, he runs to his aid.

Exhibit B:
Patient: I don't understand why my Copay is so high?
Me: *Explains inner workings of Insurance
Insert Pidgeotto here-Talks over me and says the exact same thing.
Patient: Oh, thanks for explaining it to me, I understand now.
Me: *Rolls eyes

Ah Pidgeotto, you gotta love to hate him. He's like that weekend dad who screams at you and then goes out and gets you a puppy just so you can be on good terms again.
In Cranky's case he brings her Dunkin Donuts, she'll eat them of course but still mumble under her breath.
In my case it's all about the downpour. See Pidgeotto's higher Pokemon are really giving it to him, seeing as how the Factory just had this huge managerial layoff recently. Lots of layoffs. The Factory is changing and not for the better.
They're even doing illegal things like sending mass emails saying how Full time employees can only make 30 hours a week in their own factory, if they want a 40 hour work week then they have to go find a hemorrhaging factory and put in the hours there. There's 3 Full time techs on the payroll and only 90 hours a week in demand, sometimes less. The demand for hours increases if your Factory sells more. Unfortunately our sweatshop sales have gone down and so have our hours. Part of my job entails actually making the schedule. Well I make the schedule, then Pidgeotto goes in after me and changes everything around. So I have the illusion that I'm doing something when in reality I'm not.
So Pidgeotto is feeling those Pokemon moves, he's also going through what I can see is a whole world of debt. He just knocked up his fiance who laughs like a deranged Hyena at everything Pidgeotto says (I think this is an insecurity thing, but that's just me) He just bought a 500,000 house. Has a 300,000 student loan debt from Pharmacy school and is still paying off his and hers matching Beemers.
He said earlier this week he started dipping into his 401K.
Debt changes people. I pray I don't see the slow conversion from Pidgeotto to full on Charrizard!
Before he and I had what I thought, an open channel of communication. I knew him when he was just an Intern and we hit it off even then, he'd joke to Dragon who trained him once, "When I get to be the Boss of my own pharmacy I'm taking Lulu with me."
To which Dragon would reply. "No, she'd never leave me."
Well she wasn't wrong, I certainly didn't leave.
So he's been a full year as my boss and it's been great until the downpour began.
This year has had it's challenges, sometimes my personal life affects my job only in the sense of my absence. I rock at work otherwise and I can proudly say that. I'm fucking good at my job. I work for 8 hours a day with no food and some days only five hours of sleep, but things get done.
One fine day Pidgeotto had a staff meeting with the more powerful Pokemon and the very next day he ripped me a new asshole.
One of my patients who is incredibly annoying and gets verbally abused by my boss and even Useless, sometimes who says things to her like "Can you stop talking? We're finished here can you just go!"
I have patients that I've known for years, people have died on me. I've been the only survivor worker of that Factory till this very day. I have patients I genuinely pretend to care and be interested in for the sake of "Customer service" and they love me because they ask for me all the time and complain about the rest of the workers.
So to have this stupid, toothless, tangled hair witch who's not one of my lovely regulars, ask me one day as I ring up her prescription "You got pregnant or something, what happened, you used to be skinny?"
A knee jerk reaction occurred.
I have gained weight. I'm fat again. I estimate at least 30-40lbs these past two years have accumulated and it shows. It doesn't go to my ass, boobs or thighs, it goes right to my face, stomach and hips. I know I'm fat, I see it every fucking day as I stare in the mirror. I'm reminded that I'm a failure, I can't control my weight anymore.
I'm out of control rather. I don't need Captain Ugly Obvious pointing it out. I've been sloppy and it shows.

I didn't plan to go off on her like I did. I didn't shout or make a scene but I did scold her. I more or less told her she can't go around just saying stupid shit like that to people, saying whatever just flies out of her mouth. I told her it's like me saying hey what happened to you? Did you fall out of the monkey tree or get hit with an ugly stick?
To which the lady smiled wide because I called her out on her shit. See some of these fuckers use the excuse of being medicated to justify their behavior and that doesn't settle with me. My pet peeve is people who use their past as a crutch or justification as to why they are so screwed up. Please, grow up, shit happens, wipe your ass and flush like the rest of us.
Suddenly Pidgeotto appears behind me and finishes the transaction, I can hear the cackling witch say "I was just playing with her."
After she leaves he scolds me and says I can't talk to people that way, I can't let them get to me.
So after a meeting with his superior Pokemon, he waits until the end of my shift to take me to the stock room and ask me what the hell is wrong with me.

                                                      

He started to tally all my personal (nothing work related) mistakes, which at the time since he didn't have a meltdown like Dragon, I thought didn't matter.
He even went as far to say "Are you acting like this because you leave your daughter at home everyday to come to work?" This was just recently with the Summer Vacation.
I'm quiet and as hard as I try my eyes are starting to swell. Suddenly he looks like a completely different person to me. "I'm going to have to write you up" he says dryly to me all the while doing that sharp sniffing thing he does when he tries to be serious or says something he means or wants done.

 I spend more time with him than my own kid, I know all of his quirks and I could tell he was trying to be firm. Sometimes I picture him rehearsing things he has to say in front of his fiance who's so insecure she cheers him on.

From that day forth I decided to never disclose anything personal to him ever again.
Working with him now is fine but once someone rubs me the wrong way I can never be the same with them. The dynamics have to change. Sometimes being vulnerable is not an option.
You can't let them see you bleed, you have to work with that arrow in your chest, you can bleed out all you want, but don't let them know you're hurting.

Two hours into my shift and all I do all day is watch the clock. I count down how much longer till I can get into my shitty car and do 80 on the freeway all the way home.
Home.
After a long eight hour shift fasting, earache, bum ankle, degrading day, I get to go home to my kid. My kid whose been alone since 3 and no dinner because she likes to eat dinner when I'm there, so she waits, alone. She's such a good kid, you can't even imagine my prayers.
I sit in traffic and pray my car doesn't cut off as I'm driving, or my wheel doesn't explode because they're almost bald.  I can't afford a set of new ones, so 4 used ones and a prayer will have to do. I pray my lack of horn can't alert the driver texting next to me. I pray to not be stranded alone on the freeway. I pray to one day see the bigger picture. That one is the most, please someone help me understand how can I still be standing, why am I?

Boy do I love being at home and not doing jack shit.
You want the poor mans millions, try getting off of work, having three days off.
I wish my bank agreed with my enthusiasm but alas it does not. Instead my bank account says

                                                               
 
I find a parking space in the overcrowded street and check my mailbox. I head inside and have the cats greet me first. I say hello to my now thirteen year old, she's on the bed headphones in place, oblivious to the world and I envy her. Don't ever grow up kid, life stinks.
She hugs me and immediately asks me about my day. I tell her horror stories from the Factory and she laughs. She gives me extra tight hugs as if she knew parts of me are coming loose.
I sit in silence for awhile on the living room couch. Silence is Golden.
When I was in the first grade, I remember seeing this posted as one of the musts in the classroom. I've seen it many more times throughout my education. I never really understood it's meaning until now.
Quiet.
I don't want to talk or even listen. I just want to not be responsible for anything or anyone for a bit. Sitting in my uniform on my tattered couch is what I look forward to when I get home.
I get home around seven if there's no traffic, then I have five hours where I can do whatever I like. I make my kid dinner, I watch something on Netflix, I check emails.
I count down.
I have a bedtime too, and at midnight, lights out.
The next day is Ground Hogs Day.

I've started to see a therapist again and I'm back on medication.
I want to feel better but the truth of the matter is, my job drains me, drains me to the point I no longer want to socialize or go outside. I rather be at home where no one hates me.
I have no energy or drive to write or do anything. I hate this but I can't seem to make this work any other way.
I think I used to blog/vlog more in the past because I was unemployed. Now that I'm working and things are getting more expensive, my priorities have shifted. I say shifted and not changed because no matter how much this stupid job steps on me that will never take away my writing. It's a predisposition I'm afraid.
I'd like to have time to more of the things that I'm passionate about but that's just not in the cards for me yet.
Some of us are just extras, just background, white noise. Makes me wonder if I'll ever amount to anything?

I wish I were more active, but it's just so hot outside and I'm so broke!
I feel bad for anyone who tries to make plans with me, I want to, but I'm just tired.
Please understand I'm depressed and it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone.
I'm depressed because I'm me and that's just not good enough anymore I'm afraid.
These are things I have to work through obviously and I will, in my own time and at none others pace.
I'm not perfect, I try to stay out of people's lives and not give advice.
You should always look first at your own life before trying to fix another's. That's why I never listen to anyone. Who are you to judge me or try to fix me.
I work hard, I am the sole provider of my household, and I'm not dead yet so don't count me out.
Bruce Wayne didn't become Batman until he was 30. It  doesn't matter how slow you go. Just Go.

First of all.

Quick vloggie

https://youtu.be/esUfmdGtqOI

Vacation!

Sprain

 

bang bang!

Monday

sunday

Weekend starts now

Lots to tel!

Monday

Hi.
It's Monday and I'm actually writing instead of binge watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.
I'm pretty tired, drove an hour to see my boyfriend who has moved even further away recently.
I love him but fuck do I hate commuting, I'm sure he does too since he does his own to see me.
This won't be the most riveting blog post, but I just feel like typing.

I'm not too keen on driving. I can never be one of those people who just drive and stick their heads out windows, sunglasses on, enjoying cruise control. I'm the asshole who cuts you off because you drive too slow.
I don't give you chances to cut in, I don't care if you have your blinker on, blinkers are for bitches, you have to just take the pussy, er, I mean road, and cut in there. Road Rage!? Of course! I will mow you down with my silver monopoly piece of car. I hate you other driver, I hate your pretentious SUV's and Sedans. If I weren't so poor I'd be just like you.

I speed because I'm almost late to things, also because I have no air conditioning, so driving at high speeds almost guarantees me a setting on a newer car ac's dial called LOW.

My body feels odd lately. My T Zone is oily, my pits feel a bit of perspiration, what's going on?
Am I going through Menopause? Is this because of the eating disorder?
Oily skin has NEVER been an issue before.

I did stop taking my birth control for one or two months..not on purpose but because I just forgot.
No baby and two periods later I'm okay in that department.
I couldn't even picture a life with an infant  again, I'm not against the idea, if it happens I'd probably just keep it and continue to struggle anyways, hell I can get by, I've managed to not ruin us for four years, I think I could survive.
I haven't been eating. I've been drinking 40% proof Vodka.
I've been starting early around 7, I drink myself into a stupor very quickly because there's nothing in my stomach.
If I eat, and that depends on what week it is and how I'm feeling, it be twice a week.
That's it. I'm not allowing myself much else.
 I have been drinking for two weeks straight. I find myself at a certain time of night, an hour or two after I get home a little bit after 6 o'clock, craving the numbing alcohol.
It is numbing right? On your skin and in your liver.
Most of my days are like this..(you may want to sit down, browse Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.)
Wake up and rush to get ready for work.
Feed harem of stray cats and 1 duck I have adopted outside, rush to work.
Work, Dragon, sporadic text to my boyfriend, Mini, Shorty, 4:30, time to go home.
Sit in traffic for an hour.
Get home and feed harem.
Alcohol.
Xanax.
Goodnight.
There's not much food being mentioned
.
 Being depressed is a catalyst for this current wave of Anorexia.
They feed off each other and drive me insane.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now, not eating feels okay. I'm always working, by the time I do get home I'm so exhausted I can't even think about preparing a meal.
I have headaches all day long, no seriously all of the time.
So I'm not hungry, I've already gobbled 4-6 Ibuprofen, the only medicine left is the alcohol. That shuts out any body aches or headaches I have daily. Numb.No more sadness, worry, bitterness, loneliness, just unconsciousness.
Who needs food?

I've lost weight this year.

 

Animal Kingdom with sis!

There is no goal weight, there is only what I feel, what I think, what I deserve.
I'm not working out, I wish I could but I have no motivation. I've become sluggish.
I'm tired a lot, my body aches, most days I'd love to walk out of the pharmacy but I can't. I have loads of responsibility my way.
My daughter turned twelve last month, she's into anime, video games and colored hair.
I'm just in shock she hasn't hated me yet.
She's been diagnosed with high cholesterol levels so I've had to change her diet. Trust me, I'm not the one to say what one can or cannot eat.
I don't want to say NO to everything but you'd be surprised at how many high cholesterol foods  you consume unknowingly.
I'm trying to just get us healthy or rather her. Lots of fruits, yogurt, wheat ad low fat dairy..

It's almost my bedtime, I'll be right back. More to tell when I'm not so pressed for time,
Goodnight all.

Be safe.

bad day

So it begins, the sadness.

I'm not feeling too hot lately, things are escalating all around me and I'm just not ready for it all.
I get to work this morning and Dragon only glances at me and turns her head back to the computer screen.

This morning I thought the day would be better, I actually was up before the alarm, well actually I've been up since 4am but that's besides the point.
Insomnia has been making an appearance this week thus far.
I tried to go back to bed and finally nod off at 5:30 when in a fit of sheer desperation, I threw all the pillows spectacularly off the bed.
The pillows landed this way and that, waking both cats who sleep till about 6am themselves. The smaller grey cat squints her eyes back shut. The larger black one usually wakes me up early by jumping over or on me or even laying down on my hair pulling it back under her weight.
It's usually food that they want.
Food bowls are put away after a certain time each night due to a huge roach infestation in my apartment. How huge a roach infestation you ask?
I can distinguish the different species! I got some Germans, Americans, Albino, hell I thought I found some Asians one the other day too.
They are everywhere it's so disgusting.

My apartment building is nothing more than a Roach Motel.

I'm up and head to the shower, I think long and hard as I lather, "What will life be like being unemployed again?"
I let the water cascade down my body and wash away the thoughts of calling out of work.
I wipe away at the foggy mirror and stare at the person on the other side.
I hate the person who looks back at me, sometimes I wish she would just do us all a favor and die already.
I weigh myself. Weighing oneself will determine if I'm allowed some kind of substance at all today, as it turns out I'm down two of the supposed six I've gain since my vacation binge eating.
I decide to only have one meal and only in the morning.
I get dressed and head out the door. The first thing I do is set food out for my stray cats and duck.
Next up is the embarrassing display of having to keep adding water to my car's reservoir because I have a leak and the coolant levels are always low or nonexistent.
The morning isn't so bright today, there's a small overcast which gives me relief as I have to drive about an hour in traffic with no air conditioning.
I'm not running too behind so that means I can have breakfast.
I found a new Smoothie king location that I want to try out, also a new route to work.
Both work out and my timing is still good.
I don't sip the Vanilla Shredder just yet as it's too thick. I plan to sip on this thing for most of the day to counteract any meals I'm supposed to be having.
The drive to work is longer today because I'm trying not to speed, I have about 300 dollars worth of tickets and pray I don't get anymore.
When I finally arrive at work I head inside and chat with my fellow Big Brother fanatic. The show has just started up again this year for the summer.
She and I talk game for a bit, she continues to joke about us applying for the show next year together.
Part of me would love to just do this even though I know we stand no chance. Lately the people they select on this show look like they live in the Gym. Part of the show's mandate is a lot of physical comps and well my out of shape behind will almost be guaranteed to fail. I'm not fit or fine so keep dreaming bub.
It's almost 8 and I have to punch in at the pharmacy. I feel the dread cover me like some sort of depression Snuggie.

Dragon's greeting assures me that all is fucked.
Today she's wearing the other pants, black slacks as opposed to the pinstripe ones. These are her "I'm serious" pants.
Mondays are the day we do our truck order. I've always been curious as to how that works, I don't actually know.
See being the "Inventory Specialist" means part of more bullshit to do including this very thing.
Now last week the Russian pharmacist did the order and seeing as how Dragon missed work yesterday to go to a meeting, I figured the other pharmacist would be the one to do it.
She didn't and neither did I.
Dragon waits till I clock in and set my smoothie down to scold me for not having done the order.
"But I was never taught."
Her response? "You're the inventory specialist, I'm counting on you to do this, now what will happen Friday when we get the truck? If you don't know something you need to call the next store up so they can tell you how it's done."
All I can do my friends is just nod my head in agreement as if this insensitive cunt has a point.
She sucks her teeth and turns around to go sit on her stool and type.
I turn around myself and start slowly counting pills.
My eyes well up and I bite down on my lip as hard as I can to keep from crying.
How can I be at fault for something I was never taught? The hypocrisy. We are a training store for fucks sake1
 This idiot will make that annoying baby Betty Boop voice teaching total strangers but expects me to accept a new position and automatically assume I know it all? How can you not teach me who works with you and then tell me to have random techs I've never met from other busy stores take time to show me how to do my new job?


I'm not crying because she scolded me, I want to cry because I can't speak up.
I can't yell "Hey you scaly asshole it's not my fault, I haven't even had the pay grade or my job title officially change! You want me to work for free?"
Instead I just stay quiet and feel bad about myself. I find myself fighting the tears as I tear myself down. I deserve every single miserable thing that touches my life.
Who do you think you are?
You think you're going to just have normal life or that people won't somehow take a good look at you and not know by your ratty clothing that you are a lesser person?
I feel today like all the roaches, the ratty holey clothes I wear, the used dented leaking car, the mounting debts, the struggle with eating, the loneliness, I deserve it all. I deserve nothing and anytime I think something good finally touches me, it doesn't.
God doesn't give me better because I'm unworthy.
I'm garbage.
I know this to be true because people like Dragon who make a lot of money and went to college can tell.
They know I'm just pretending. She knows I won't talk back or make waves, she knows I'm meek.

The rest of my shift I was quiet. The minute she was done "expressing" herself I didn't even want the shake anymore. I threw it away. Food? You deserve nothing, you can't do anything right.


I would hand Dragon a basket with a prescription for a patient that was waiting and instead of handing it to me, she'd toss it aside and not let me know anything.

I feel like her dog.
I feel inadequate.
I feel just like I used to when I first started working with her.

The prospect of her leaving is dwindling before my very eyes.
She's challenging the move, she doesn't approve of the schedule in her new would be pharmacy.
The person who would be her new partner there has 4 kids and if you are a working mom then you would know just how firm a schedule is.
Dragon has zero children, I still don't know how she has the same boyfriend? I can only guess he makes less money than her and is in it for the free ride (I'm being cynical now of course)
She should be very flexible on that schedule.
I'm unsure now if she's leaving.
I can't possibly keep going on working like this with her and her moods.
I'm seriously starting to contemplate asking for a transfer myself.
I hate that I would be the one to leave seeing as how I was there first.
I'm just so depressed.
I feel defeated, I feel like just surrendering the pharmacy and all the hard work I put into it to make it the store it is today all to her.

 

 

Why fight the inevitable.

I can't just coexist with her, it's like having a huge fight with your significant other and no one wants to talk first because that means they win, instead you two ignore each other. I'll end up sleeping on the floor or on the couch trying to avoid contact.

 

Tomorrow I work all day with her. I'm not sure what to do.

I don't remember what it's like to have a backbone anymore.

I feel like people look at me and just know I'm weak. They can step all over me.

One day all of you who think you're so much better than me, those of you who think I'm so stupid, those who think they are getting away with humiliating me will get to step all over me, yes, I'll be dead in the ground and you can happily dance on my fucking grave.

I happily say FUCK YOU all, I will be at peace finally never seeing any of you again.

Congratulations, enjoy your lives.

 

Sorry for not being cheery but right now I don't care.

I'm depressed, I'm ready to throw in the towel.

 

 

 

 



 

Vacation Mode OFF