I has Depressed

Shut

Something is happening to me.
Not only is my Depression not going away it seems to worsen everyday.
Everything is getting to me.
I haven't left the bed all day nor do I want to.
Going anywhere scares me now. I get incredibly anxious and if I do manage to leave the house, I panic.
I keep thinking something is going to happen to me as I'm out, maybe I'll die. It's not true of course but the thoughts are there choking me.
The Anxiety medications aren't doing anything for me, neither are the pills for Depression.
I'm stuck and have no tools by which I can cope.
The highs and lows are now constant, I start to cry for no reason and feel utterly helpless and hopeless.
Dishes are piled in the sink, my house a littered mess, cat litter overflowing, everywhere I look is something I have to do.
I feel weak and sad, I don't want to do anything but go to sleep.
I made a soup this morning, didn't eat it.
Instead had half a shake and a banana. The guilt set in immediately.
I lie in bed and cry, try to talk myself into keeping it down, I do finally but it took so much I'm exhausted.

My Eating Disorder makes me feel like less than a person sometimes, I feel foolish for my daily struggles. I feel like the butt of some jokes at times.
The simplest of normal tasks are like Mountains to me.
Most days I can't imagine a version of myself without this illness.
I don't remember when or why my life took this turn, but here it is, Food and Numbers dictate who I am.
If I eat I feel like a failure, if I don't b/p that's a triumph. If I don't lose weight then I'm misreable, if I gain life stinks. I rather starve most days, the feeling of emptiness brings me joy.
I tend to lose interest in things quicker now, so little things bring me joy.
I'm finding it harder to stay positive or forget why I'm suppose to.

I wish I knew how to just turn all of these feelings off.
How to not feel everything at once.

I look at other people and I think, “He lives without meds. She does. What is wrong with me? Am I so biochemically screwed up, so neurotic, so narcissistically self-absorbed that every hour is an obstacle course for me?” I don’t know, but this can’t continue. I feel like I am dying. A slow torturous death. And the worst thing is that I’m taking other people along for the ride. But I swear, I don’t know how to do it differently.

Psychiatrists say that telling someone with depression to "just snap out of it" is like telling a blind person to "just look harder."
I don't know how to cheer up or feel better, I'm not Blue, I'm a Manic Depressive.
There's a difference from someone who's depressed cus they lost their puppy or their boyfriend dumped them, those are things you can get over, real Depression is not.
I don't want to be this way, but I am.
I can't understand why my brain decides it's time to take a Holiday from reality and retreat into a downward spiral, why those awful thoughts of ending it all creep in instead of sound logic?

I'm aware of how awful I sound and even look when I'm in this state, I prefer to cut off communication with the outside world till I'm better.
I don't want to bother or burden anyone with this. No one knows what to say to me anyways and that's fine, because there are no magic right words.
I appreciate concern and I love those that show it for me of all people.
Your words and actions don't go unnoticed.
I get like this sometimes, I let it all get to me and I just shut down. I get stuck and don't know what problem to tackle first because everything seems like it's coming head on.
I promise I will feel better, but I have to find my own way to.

I've been sleeping all day.
I managed to wake up around noon, then 6pm, these are times when I have to feed my kid.
My baby has been learning to cook her meals via Microwave.
She could even make her own breakfast if I had a toaster. She loves toasted Bagels in the morning with Orange juice.
I have no Toaster so she needs me to toast them in another way, but if that wasn't the case she'd be completely self sufficient feeding herself.
At lunch time I managed to eat the soup I made earlier.
I felt full and triggered immediately afterwards. My stomach swells three times it size all day long.
I took laxatives yesterday night, I haven't had a bowel movement since last Thursday, it was high time.
My lax now kick in, the headache comes and so does the awful stomach gurggles.
The good thing is I've taken considerably less then what I normally do.
I even conteplated going to the store and buying more laxatives, but the sheer panic of heading outside made me change my mind.

In other news, my daughter got dropped off Wednesday and I noticed she was a bit too serious. After my boyfriend, then her little playmate from upstairs goes home and we're all alone, I question my kid about what's going on.
Apparently my ex has told her to be difficult with me and my boyfriend even.
My daughter even confesses to me that my ex hit her after she broke a cup.
Things are not going well here in Breakup land.
My ex hates my guts still, we're not on speaking terms.

The namesake is all read and I've been watching Celebrity Rehab w/Dr. Drew.
Those things are finito!
So what's next, The X-Files of course!
Who wouldn't love endless repetitive hours of Fox Mulder and Dana Sculley.
As for book wise, I'll get back to you on that, have two I'm considering, we'll see which one wins.

Anyways I'm going to have a drink and figure out why my Ipod Touch isn't syncing to my Itunes or even charging anymore?
I've discovered something called SharePod, it transfers your Ipod library to another Computer, here's hoping it works.
Nite all or Good Morning, I'm still up at 5am.

Eat

Hear ye hear ye! Lou eats and no b/p!

I've had about 600 calories today, that's ALOT compared to most days where I exist off 100-200 maximum..
My weight is good, no gain, no loss either but what can you do.

I've been battling depression, I don't know why it's taking longer to shake off than usual.
My guess is the meds are no longer working, maybe it's time to up the dose. I think my next Dr.'s visit is in August maybe September.
That's a long ways away and in the meantime I have to try to fight this, or at least not get Bad, bad is never a good thing with me.
Severe Manic Depression and an Eating Disorder will be quite the hurdle. I don't know if I can fight off both at the same time. It's usually either or these days.
I'm trying, I'll try; always try.

I want laxatives really bad, I haven't had a decent bowel movement in some days. I'm bloated and with child er..poo baby that is.
I've been fighting this urge but you know how it goes.

My boyfriend has been here since Monday, my Depression was really bad yesterday.
Being in a relationship is still relatively new to me still, I don't want to scare him with my ongoing saga but it's not something I can bottle away when the moment presents itself.
I'm still adjusting to having someone around, but baby steps are all I can take I suppose.
Eating random nonsense in front of him seems to be a milestone I guess.
I'm also trying to curb behaviors when he's around and be honest when I can't.
I'm grateful and glad I have someone who loves me, and not just loves me but cares for my well being.

He brings me shakes and supplements, googles support groups and makes me feel like maybe I can overcome this illness. He makes me happier than I've been in a very long time and although we both have quirks and odds stacked against us, I love him dearly, he is my very bestfriend. I will hold onto this feeling, this moment for as long as I can, as long as my God blesses me.

I know one day, someday this Eating Disorder will be something I will overcome. I will look back and remember the wonderful people I've met who've both helped and encourage me through it all.
We may still be far from a day where we will be okay with our bodies and our minds, but there's hope, we are worth it, we matter.



I'm broke and car less and these things are just more weights in my heart.
I know there are other things that could be horribly wrong, I know. I just forget sometimes. I'm working on that too.
I'll figure something out, it won't always be like this, omg it can't lol.
All my windows have bars and I live on the first floor so I can't jump out of any if things get to be too much for me to bear.

Wish there was an actual Suicide booth just in case..j/k

Meh..I'm still here

Funk

Ex filled Feud

Panic

Last night I worried endlessly, so much so I took more anxiety meds than I was supposed to, thus leading me to get drowsy and fall asleep.
My ex hates my guts, he's not taking my calls and got drunk last night, I worried for my kid, all kinds of things popped in my head.

Today I had to wash one more load of clothes, I wasn't looking forward to the laundromat, its been so hot outside lately and I'm not functioning at 100% right now.
To my surprise and delight it's beautiful outside, gray and gloomy.

I was feeling better already.

The laundromat is right behind my apartment, I sling my purse over my shoulders and tow a small white plastic bag with assorted dirty duds.

I'm looking forward to reading.

The laundromat is empty and that makes this all the more peaceful.

Sometimes or rather most of the time someone always talks to me, you'd think not to disturb someone sitting with their nose deep in a book, but people are bold I suppose.

I was okay, I checked the time on my phone and thought of my daughter, what is she doing now, is she okay even?

I would wait till I got home to call my ex and talk to her, hopefully he would answer the phone.

Reading the Namesake and lost in literary bliss, my vision started to blur.

I couldn't make out the letters on the page.

I got scared suddenly, took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes quickly, that helped nothing.

I stashed the book in my purse and stood up slowly only to feel immense Vertigo.

Standing was not the best option, I felt really dizzy, I held on to the folding table near by and that's when it started, the horrible trembling.

My legs buckled beneath me, my heart beat pounding in my ears. I don't know what's happening to me.

The woman next to me took notice and asked if I was okay, I didn't know what to say except I thought maybe my sugar was low?

She helped me sit back down, told me to take deep breaths and proceeded to head inside to the little cafeteria and bought me a coke.

I sipped the cold soda slowly and felt no better, I never trembled so much before, I was terrified.

What if I was on the verge of fainting or worse.

I couldn't stand being in public feeling this way, I stopped the washer and pulled my clothes out, tossed them into the bag and quickly headed back home all the while sipping my soda and wishing that I could hear my daughter's voice.

At home my air conditioner blows, the two cats my only company these days light up to see me.

I drop the heavy damp filled bag on the floor and head to my bedroom.

In my home I can breakdown, I can cry here and try to make sense of it all.

I called my ex, I needed to know if my kid was okay, no answer. I left countless voice mails.

My sister is at work, I can only text her, no reply.

I feel worse.

I'm contemplating calling the Rescue.

I know this next thing sounds stupid, but huge part of me wouldn't because I just don't know what to say?

Ah yes 911? I have an Eating Disorder, I think it's gotten the best of me, send help right away??

I lie in bed and close my eyes.

I start to get texts, it's an old friend who is having her own ED dilemma.

Talking helps some, I start to tell her what's going on.

She suggests if I insist on calling Rescue to tell them that I'm prone to passing out, that I fell like that now, maybe someone should come right away.

That sounds better than anything I could say.

My boyfriend calls too and by now I'm really feeling bad, once the chest pains start the panic sets in.

Now my mind is in overload. What don't I think of.

He talks to me and tries to reassure me this may just be a panic attack.

I decide to take Anxiety meds, walking is hard, my legs wobble, I feel like a newborn foul being pushed to walk for the first time.

My boyfriend's voice is soothing, I can barely focus on what he's saying at some point, but just knowing someone else is there with me helps. My other friend continues to text me too, two people now each helping me in their own way.

I'm grateful for the phone call but secretly I feel bad for my boyfriend, the poor guy can't do a thing to help me, and all I'm doing is worrying him.

God, he sure picked a winner.

I wish I could just be normal instead of having this Eating Disorder.

I feel like such a burden to anyone right now. I can't understand how anyone can even talk to me still?

I feel like a small snobby child who refuses to eat their vegetables, my problem seems petty compared to what other people are going through.

I don't feel any better but I feel bad talking on the phone, I decide maybe I should make soup, maybe eating something could help.

I drink Gatorade and finished the soda, nothing is helping.

I head to the kitchen, walking slowly and grabbing onto walls for support, both cats flanking me, meowing in delight at the possibility of food dropped on the kitchen floor.

I grab a pot for the soup and turn on the front burner, water is added and it's all set.

The minute I let go of the handle, I know I don't want to eat this.

I make the soup anyways and go lie back down.

I'm supposed to call my boyfriend back, but I feel bad and don't want to bother him.

I change my shirt, I'm freezing suddenly, the air is off.

The tips of my fingers are blue, my toes little ice cubes.

My sister is worried, she also wants to know how my daughter is doing, I tell her my ex won't answer my calls.

I have no idea what's going on, what if something horrible happened, what if he packed up all his clothes and takes her someplace far where I won't find them, a million things go through my head, I really just wish my chest stopped aching.

My sister says she'll call the ex and leave messages of her own.

Within five minutes she and I get nowhere.

I don't think I'll be hearing from her anytime soon today. If I felt better I would walk over there to see her, but everything happens for a reason, maybe I should just try to calm down and not show this ex of mines how unbalanced I can be, he may use this all against me one day.

The soup is cooled and I pour some in a cup, I sip the warm broth slowly, it taste extra salty for some reason.

It takes me awhile but I drink it all.

I have a small cup of ginger ale too.

 Now comes the hard part, the thing that says PURGE, I feel full.

Instead I lay down and quietly rub my chest, tears stream down my eyes, why is this so hard?

I start to think about my Eating Disorder and how much longer I can go on living this way.

I think I need to start being more honest about this illness, one day if something does happen to me, I would hate to leave lingering questions behind.

More importantly I want to leave all this bullshit behind.

I need to get back into Therapy.

I think this time around, I'll be honest about what's really going on. I don't know what will happen as a result but what I'm doing right now can't be any better.

If I feel better I'll shower or nap, I don't know.

I wish it was Wednesday already.

I wish a lot of things.