Tuesday, June 26, 2012


Hear ye hear ye! Lou eats and no b/p!

I've had about 600 calories today, that's ALOT compared to most days where I exist off 100-200 maximum..
My weight is good, no gain, no loss either but what can you do.

I've been battling depression, I don't know why it's taking longer to shake off than usual.
My guess is the meds are no longer working, maybe it's time to up the dose. I think my next Dr.'s visit is in August maybe September.
That's a long ways away and in the meantime I have to try to fight this, or at least not get Bad, bad is never a good thing with me.
Severe Manic Depression and an Eating Disorder will be quite the hurdle. I don't know if I can fight off both at the same time. It's usually either or these days.
I'm trying, I'll try; always try.

I want laxatives really bad, I haven't had a decent bowel movement in some days. I'm bloated and with child er..poo baby that is.
I've been fighting this urge but you know how it goes.

My boyfriend has been here since Monday, my Depression was really bad yesterday.
Being in a relationship is still relatively new to me still, I don't want to scare him with my ongoing saga but it's not something I can bottle away when the moment presents itself.
I'm still adjusting to having someone around, but baby steps are all I can take I suppose.
Eating random nonsense in front of him seems to be a milestone I guess.
I'm also trying to curb behaviors when he's around and be honest when I can't.
I'm grateful and glad I have someone who loves me, and not just loves me but cares for my well being.

He brings me shakes and supplements, googles support groups and makes me feel like maybe I can overcome this illness. He makes me happier than I've been in a very long time and although we both have quirks and odds stacked against us, I love him dearly, he is my very bestfriend. I will hold onto this feeling, this moment for as long as I can, as long as my God blesses me.

I know one day, someday this Eating Disorder will be something I will overcome. I will look back and remember the wonderful people I've met who've both helped and encourage me through it all.
We may still be far from a day where we will be okay with our bodies and our minds, but there's hope, we are worth it, we matter.

I'm broke and car less and these things are just more weights in my heart.
I know there are other things that could be horribly wrong, I know. I just forget sometimes. I'm working on that too.
I'll figure something out, it won't always be like this, omg it can't lol.
All my windows have bars and I live on the first floor so I can't jump out of any if things get to be too much for me to bear.

Wish there was an actual Suicide booth just in case..j/k


Anonymous said...

I LOVE this post!
Lou I'm happy that you've met someone who cares about you, who can help you get better, you matter and deserve to baby.
You are so inspirational to me, I wish I had you in person with me, but reading your blog and seeing all you've overcome makes me know there is hope for me too.
Be strong and keep going. I love you too, maybe i'll blog one day about my own story, you certainly make it seem like a piece of cake.
Take care and stay beautiful :)

ruby-tuesday said...

hey Lou,
I haven't commented in a while but I've been reading.
I'm so happy to read you sounding so positive about overcoming the ed and depression, I'm glad you have hope,
I do too, most days
As the ad says, 'we're worth it!'

I love your snaps, ye make a really cute couple.
I'm delighted you have met someone that makes you truly happy, you deserve that and so much more.

Stay well x

Peridot (G+P) said...

I haven't been commenting much coz I didn't want to drag you down with me.

I want to say congratulations on eating and keeping it, on having to will to continue to fight. The smile on your face in those photos is joy to see.

Don't ever give up. The only constant in life is change. Things always change and sometimes the improvements are so small that it isn't until after they pile up for a while that you notice them.

Arohanui <3