Shut

Something is happening to me.
Not only is my Depression not going away it seems to worsen everyday.
Everything is getting to me.
I haven't left the bed all day nor do I want to.
Going anywhere scares me now. I get incredibly anxious and if I do manage to leave the house, I panic.
I keep thinking something is going to happen to me as I'm out, maybe I'll die. It's not true of course but the thoughts are there choking me.
The Anxiety medications aren't doing anything for me, neither are the pills for Depression.
I'm stuck and have no tools by which I can cope.
The highs and lows are now constant, I start to cry for no reason and feel utterly helpless and hopeless.
Dishes are piled in the sink, my house a littered mess, cat litter overflowing, everywhere I look is something I have to do.
I feel weak and sad, I don't want to do anything but go to sleep.
I made a soup this morning, didn't eat it.
Instead had half a shake and a banana. The guilt set in immediately.
I lie in bed and cry, try to talk myself into keeping it down, I do finally but it took so much I'm exhausted.

My Eating Disorder makes me feel like less than a person sometimes, I feel foolish for my daily struggles. I feel like the butt of some jokes at times.
The simplest of normal tasks are like Mountains to me.
Most days I can't imagine a version of myself without this illness.
I don't remember when or why my life took this turn, but here it is, Food and Numbers dictate who I am.
If I eat I feel like a failure, if I don't b/p that's a triumph. If I don't lose weight then I'm misreable, if I gain life stinks. I rather starve most days, the feeling of emptiness brings me joy.
I tend to lose interest in things quicker now, so little things bring me joy.
I'm finding it harder to stay positive or forget why I'm suppose to.

I wish I knew how to just turn all of these feelings off.
How to not feel everything at once.

I look at other people and I think, “He lives without meds. She does. What is wrong with me? Am I so biochemically screwed up, so neurotic, so narcissistically self-absorbed that every hour is an obstacle course for me?” I don’t know, but this can’t continue. I feel like I am dying. A slow torturous death. And the worst thing is that I’m taking other people along for the ride. But I swear, I don’t know how to do it differently.

Psychiatrists say that telling someone with depression to "just snap out of it" is like telling a blind person to "just look harder."
I don't know how to cheer up or feel better, I'm not Blue, I'm a Manic Depressive.
There's a difference from someone who's depressed cus they lost their puppy or their boyfriend dumped them, those are things you can get over, real Depression is not.
I don't want to be this way, but I am.
I can't understand why my brain decides it's time to take a Holiday from reality and retreat into a downward spiral, why those awful thoughts of ending it all creep in instead of sound logic?

I'm aware of how awful I sound and even look when I'm in this state, I prefer to cut off communication with the outside world till I'm better.
I don't want to bother or burden anyone with this. No one knows what to say to me anyways and that's fine, because there are no magic right words.
I appreciate concern and I love those that show it for me of all people.
Your words and actions don't go unnoticed.
I get like this sometimes, I let it all get to me and I just shut down. I get stuck and don't know what problem to tackle first because everything seems like it's coming head on.
I promise I will feel better, but I have to find my own way to.

I've been sleeping all day.
I managed to wake up around noon, then 6pm, these are times when I have to feed my kid.
My baby has been learning to cook her meals via Microwave.
She could even make her own breakfast if I had a toaster. She loves toasted Bagels in the morning with Orange juice.
I have no Toaster so she needs me to toast them in another way, but if that wasn't the case she'd be completely self sufficient feeding herself.
At lunch time I managed to eat the soup I made earlier.
I felt full and triggered immediately afterwards. My stomach swells three times it size all day long.
I took laxatives yesterday night, I haven't had a bowel movement since last Thursday, it was high time.
My lax now kick in, the headache comes and so does the awful stomach gurggles.
The good thing is I've taken considerably less then what I normally do.
I even conteplated going to the store and buying more laxatives, but the sheer panic of heading outside made me change my mind.

In other news, my daughter got dropped off Wednesday and I noticed she was a bit too serious. After my boyfriend, then her little playmate from upstairs goes home and we're all alone, I question my kid about what's going on.
Apparently my ex has told her to be difficult with me and my boyfriend even.
My daughter even confesses to me that my ex hit her after she broke a cup.
Things are not going well here in Breakup land.
My ex hates my guts still, we're not on speaking terms.

The namesake is all read and I've been watching Celebrity Rehab w/Dr. Drew.
Those things are finito!
So what's next, The X-Files of course!
Who wouldn't love endless repetitive hours of Fox Mulder and Dana Sculley.
As for book wise, I'll get back to you on that, have two I'm considering, we'll see which one wins.

Anyways I'm going to have a drink and figure out why my Ipod Touch isn't syncing to my Itunes or even charging anymore?
I've discovered something called SharePod, it transfers your Ipod library to another Computer, here's hoping it works.
Nite all or Good Morning, I'm still up at 5am.