Friday, June 29, 2012


Something is happening to me.
Not only is my Depression not going away it seems to worsen everyday.
Everything is getting to me.
I haven't left the bed all day nor do I want to.
Going anywhere scares me now. I get incredibly anxious and if I do manage to leave the house, I panic.
I keep thinking something is going to happen to me as I'm out, maybe I'll die. It's not true of course but the thoughts are there choking me.
The Anxiety medications aren't doing anything for me, neither are the pills for Depression.
I'm stuck and have no tools by which I can cope.
The highs and lows are now constant, I start to cry for no reason and feel utterly helpless and hopeless.
Dishes are piled in the sink, my house a littered mess, cat litter overflowing, everywhere I look is something I have to do.
I feel weak and sad, I don't want to do anything but go to sleep.
I made a soup this morning, didn't eat it.
Instead had half a shake and a banana. The guilt set in immediately.
I lie in bed and cry, try to talk myself into keeping it down, I do finally but it took so much I'm exhausted.

My Eating Disorder makes me feel like less than a person sometimes, I feel foolish for my daily struggles. I feel like the butt of some jokes at times.
The simplest of normal tasks are like Mountains to me.
Most days I can't imagine a version of myself without this illness.
I don't remember when or why my life took this turn, but here it is, Food and Numbers dictate who I am.
If I eat I feel like a failure, if I don't b/p that's a triumph. If I don't lose weight then I'm misreable, if I gain life stinks. I rather starve most days, the feeling of emptiness brings me joy.
I tend to lose interest in things quicker now, so little things bring me joy.
I'm finding it harder to stay positive or forget why I'm suppose to.

I wish I knew how to just turn all of these feelings off.
How to not feel everything at once.

I look at other people and I think, “He lives without meds. She does. What is wrong with me? Am I so biochemically screwed up, so neurotic, so narcissistically self-absorbed that every hour is an obstacle course for me?” I don’t know, but this can’t continue. I feel like I am dying. A slow torturous death. And the worst thing is that I’m taking other people along for the ride. But I swear, I don’t know how to do it differently.

Psychiatrists say that telling someone with depression to "just snap out of it" is like telling a blind person to "just look harder."
I don't know how to cheer up or feel better, I'm not Blue, I'm a Manic Depressive.
There's a difference from someone who's depressed cus they lost their puppy or their boyfriend dumped them, those are things you can get over, real Depression is not.
I don't want to be this way, but I am.
I can't understand why my brain decides it's time to take a Holiday from reality and retreat into a downward spiral, why those awful thoughts of ending it all creep in instead of sound logic?

I'm aware of how awful I sound and even look when I'm in this state, I prefer to cut off communication with the outside world till I'm better.
I don't want to bother or burden anyone with this. No one knows what to say to me anyways and that's fine, because there are no magic right words.
I appreciate concern and I love those that show it for me of all people.
Your words and actions don't go unnoticed.
I get like this sometimes, I let it all get to me and I just shut down. I get stuck and don't know what problem to tackle first because everything seems like it's coming head on.
I promise I will feel better, but I have to find my own way to.

I've been sleeping all day.
I managed to wake up around noon, then 6pm, these are times when I have to feed my kid.
My baby has been learning to cook her meals via Microwave.
She could even make her own breakfast if I had a toaster. She loves toasted Bagels in the morning with Orange juice.
I have no Toaster so she needs me to toast them in another way, but if that wasn't the case she'd be completely self sufficient feeding herself.
At lunch time I managed to eat the soup I made earlier.
I felt full and triggered immediately afterwards. My stomach swells three times it size all day long.
I took laxatives yesterday night, I haven't had a bowel movement since last Thursday, it was high time.
My lax now kick in, the headache comes and so does the awful stomach gurggles.
The good thing is I've taken considerably less then what I normally do.
I even conteplated going to the store and buying more laxatives, but the sheer panic of heading outside made me change my mind.

In other news, my daughter got dropped off Wednesday and I noticed she was a bit too serious. After my boyfriend, then her little playmate from upstairs goes home and we're all alone, I question my kid about what's going on.
Apparently my ex has told her to be difficult with me and my boyfriend even.
My daughter even confesses to me that my ex hit her after she broke a cup.
Things are not going well here in Breakup land.
My ex hates my guts still, we're not on speaking terms.

The namesake is all read and I've been watching Celebrity Rehab w/Dr. Drew.
Those things are finito!
So what's next, The X-Files of course!
Who wouldn't love endless repetitive hours of Fox Mulder and Dana Sculley.
As for book wise, I'll get back to you on that, have two I'm considering, we'll see which one wins.

Anyways I'm going to have a drink and figure out why my Ipod Touch isn't syncing to my Itunes or even charging anymore?
I've discovered something called SharePod, it transfers your Ipod library to another Computer, here's hoping it works.
Nite all or Good Morning, I'm still up at 5am.


désespérée de maigrir said...

First of all, I really wish there was something I could do to help you and make you feel better. I know depression doesn't really work like that, but I still wish I could help. I truly hope that when you see the doctor later in the summer, he is able to help you adjust/fix your medication so you are able to function. I know you really need to find work and be able to get up every day and go, and not be consumed by all of this horribleness. I will keep praying for that.

Secondly, your ex is such an asshat I cannot even believe it! I completely understand (though don't excuse) that he is hurt by the fact that it is truly over between the two of you. But honesty, telling your daughter to misbehave and then taking his frustrations out on her? Considering he should be paying alimony and child support right now, he is one lucky bastard. UGH. It makes me so frustrated and mad to think about how he is acting, I can't even imagine how you feel, being the direct recipient of this nonsense.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend, Lulu. I sent Miss B's package yesterday and I hope the little sweater fits and that she loves it.

Things are going to get better some day (and congrats on not purging/not taking a ton of lax, that is an accomplishment in itself!). I promise they will. You are strong, and you have shown that already.

Ruby Tuesday said...

Hey Lou,

I wish I could reach through the computer screen, wrap you in a big hug and tell you everything will be ok.

I know I can't do much to help you, like me, you probably feel a bit lost and hopeless. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and though we might not understand it now, it will become clear in time.

Up until very recently I was in a deep depression and my binging and purging was out of control. I was shoplifting food and abusing my meds. I finally got honest with my therapist and also told my doctor.
My meds have now been adjusted and I feel alot better, I have hope for the first time in a long time.
I still struggle with isolating and I don't know if I'll ever sort my food issues out but I want to want to get well if that makes sense.
I can identify with you so much as I also used to have a drug problem.

I don't know if it will help but I will leave you my email address with the offer to contact me anytime. I know you don't know me but I'm someone who cares.

Sending you a big hug,

Much love to you Lou x

Anonymous said...

My sweet Lou I'm so sorry you're not feeling well.
Hun it will get better don't despair.
I'm glad you're eating more and taking your meds again, maybe your body needs to get acclimated with them again, you could even be going through a horrible withdrawl from not taking them for so long.
I'm so pissed at your ex he is such a butthole! He needs to grow up and get over himself, he is nothing but an abusive adulterer, you did nothing wrong but move on with your life. He also should not take his frustrations out on your daughter. I don't like kids getting spanked.
He needs to leave your daughter outta it, he will just confuse her and involve her in things that she doesn't understand. I'm glad you've slowed down on laxatives, I know you must be so irregular, I prefer you stivk to colon cleansers than lax sweetie, it's the lesser of two evils. so many ppl love you, its okay to feel overwhelmed but you are never alone, I go through this with you on the other side of this screen. I hope you can start to feel better soon, you're glowing when you're happy and we all like to see that. Keep up the refeeding it will get easier.
HUGS and kisses

Sam said...

I;m sorry you are in a bad place. If only there were words that would make all the pain and sorrow disappear.

Isn't crazy how fast grow up? I don't have a child but my baby niece is 3 and already it seems like it was just yesterday I had to change her diaper. Kids just grow up so fast!


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