Sunday Vlog

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday's Vlog

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d6Z881H0qdE

Hi guys, I'm really doing bad now, am having to blog from phone, have no internet whatsoever.. I'm uber depressed and my health is decling.
I'm sorry but it looks like I want be vlogging for a long time.
I'll post here when I can.
I'm still hanging in there although common sense would tell me to just give up already.
Pray for me, because frankly nothing about my life surprises me anymore and that just means I've just about stopped caring.

I'm still here

Double

First let me start off by saying thank you for lovely, comments, texts, and emails.
I'm sorry if yesterday's post scared some of you.
I'm so sorry for that.
I've just been having a horrible time with my depression and eating disorder.
Both things have just been draining me of any iota of self control and will.

I was very drunk last night and venting, not too mention actually writing.
I've had horrible writers block so I think I got carried away last night.
I apologize again.
I promise although am having suicidal thoughts, I promised a lot of important people in my life that I would never entertain those thoughts again.

I'm just very exhausted and overwhelmed, life keeps handing me tests that I just don't have the answers to.

"I realized that I had granted my illness lordship over me. In viewing my depression as a despot subjecting me to its savage fancies, I was able to escape responsibility, to indulge fully my selfish desire to let my ego flourish unfettered, not obliged to anyone. But this wasn’t freedom. It was a prison—a cell separating me from those who cared for me and for whom I might have cared." –Eric G. Wilson, Everyone Loves a Good Train Wreck: Why We Can’t Look Away

So let me tell you a little bit about my day.
Getting dressed was horrid this morning. For the first time in all my pharmacy life, I wore a dress to work.
It wasn't that I wore it to feel extra pretty, girlie or any other reason one might dress up at work. It was because I couldn't stand the constriction of tight shirts and pants.
I knew this dress isn't tight and it doesn't accentuate any lines on my now bloated body. Even still as I wore it and had about five minutes left before I headed out the door, I wanted to take it off again.
I felt like I was wearing a tent.
My breasts were embarrassingly spilling out of it, obscene almost. My new body has been filling out in all those womanly places like your hips, tits, thighs and ass.
 It draws more attention lately and that might be nice on most days but that's also a spotlight on me and all those other places that make me want to hide.
My face is rounder, my stomach no matter what I wear hangs over anything.
My collar bones are disappearing. God, all these things scare me more than a burglar or horror flick.
I don't know what confidence is anymore.
I don't know how to look in the mirror and turn away from shame.
I know some of you will disagree and tell me how beautiful I still am, I wish I could just snatch your mirror away and stare into it and hope even for a mere second to see the same thing.
After wearing this blue dress I start to walk to work, its overcast and on the verge of raining. I have to work two stores today.
The first store I get in and work with preggers who I just adore. She's the best boss I've ever had in all my years working.
I don't even punch in yet and she's already too busy so I immediately help her,  getting to work a few minutes early is always helpful.
We have a new outside vendor or "Cardinal" delivery man who doesn't speak English and frankly doesn't know what he's doing most of the time, preggers doesn't like him so I solely deal with him. We bond in our inexperience and at times confusion over pharmacy tasks.
I punch in minutes later and start my busy day.
I've had horrible customers over the phone today, random rude people in the morning which just makes me sad. How can anyone be so angry before 11 am?
At some point in time I notice preggers is on the pharmacy corporate website, she's telling me that she's handing out points. Points are given to employees based on their work, if you actually rack enough points you can redeem them for all sorts of fun prizes like gift card, electronics etc.
I've only received a full 20pts in my other store.
But preggers todays awarded me 2500 points based on my Customer service and work performance!
God bless her she's so kind.
It's inspiring to work now, I feel so different compared to a few months ago where things were so up in the air.
I've come so far I no longer question what am I doing here? anymore...
I belong here, I can do this job.
My shift ends and I have to go help out Dragon who's in the other pharmacy that's ten minutes away.
I stop by 7-11 first; I get an iced coffee for me then buy her a glazed donut; she loves those things.
I also buy a hot dog and a chocolate boston creamed filled one for me. I sit outside for a bit and eat the hot dog.
Hot dogs are safe sometimes so I eat.
When I head into the pharmacy Dragon lights up seeing me and invades my personal space to huddle next to me while I fill her in on kooky customers and my day so far. I think she and I will actually become real good friends. I no longer see her as a Dragon even, more like a comrade in arms as she is on my side really. We start to eat our donuts and then it gets awkward as she talks about how fat she is which she is not, I'd say she weighs about 115lbs.
Talking with someone about weight who's trying to battle an Ed is so fucking triggering. I actually didn't encourage her outlandish complaints, instead merely started changing the topic of conversation.
The day with her is slow and boring, We start reading magazines at some point and laughing at a customer who I spoke to on the phone. This man's only RX is Cialis, so he very shyly refills it not willing to even say its name lol.
I bust his chops of course asking all kinds of questions.
Four o'clock rolls around and I have to go much to Dragon's disappointment.
I'll see her tomorrow I think.
I walk back home in a hurry because my ex has my daughter and has to go to work.
Once I get home my daughter wants dinner.
I ask her about her day as I make tuna sandwiches for dinner. Her reading teacher says she needs to focus more in class. I told my daughter to shape up. I won't have a repeat of the last school year.
Unfortunately I've binged on sandwiches but it was only once and I didn't take laxatives.
The rest of the day in on the couch watching The L Word season 6, it's final season by the way.
As the night approaches that familiar calling of drinking hits me.
I'm out of smokes so head to 7-11 to buy more.
I want to cross the street to the Walgreens and get another bottle of wine but I'm actually so embarrassed because I've been going there so much to just buy booze.
So instead I buy my smokes at 7-11 and a bottle of beer.
I drink too much lately but I just don't know anything else.
It's all become some sort of routine now, work, b/p, drink, smoke, cry.
How can I stop it?
There are no support groups for Ed's here only one very far away in a church of all places that my boyfriend found online.
I've even thought about just googling an AA meeting just to be surrounded by people who drank as much as me and felt just as horrible by hurting others with their behavior.
Maybe I could do that. Maybe that could curb the weekday drinking I don't know.

I've spoken to my boyfriend again, although he's super sorry for making continuous mistakes with his ex girlfriend he seems genuine in his apology and wants to work things out.

"There’s no me if there’s no me and you." –Joseph Arthur, “Ashes Everywhere”

I love him I do. A huge part of me screams end this, go pick up the shattered pieces of your heart off the floor, someone out there has the tools to mend it.
I just can't.
I can't imagine going on feeling this sadness, its too much to bear.
So I'll stay and try to fix this. Give it another try, hope that the trust and respect can be won again. That maybe all this isn't for naught.
We are meant to stick by each other.
Maybe I owe us another chance, should give him/us that.
This is his first serious relationship and we all make mistakes.
I know I always need second chances and lord knows I grant everyone it.
I just have to hope that this will work itself and if it doesn't? I guess that's just another lesson to learn.
Like my beautiful friend so poetically put it..."You're just not ready to let him go, when you've had enough you always do."

I can't drive anywhere anymore so he'll just have to come see me on weekends if that's the case.
I guess we just have to communicate and if he truly loves me like he says then he will stop taking me for granted.

So now what's next?
Well this week that's not over entails more work at the pharmacy possible double shifts again since the tech who I've been filling in for has renal failure...
I'll have extra hours and that's always good since I have so many upcoming expenses.
The rest of the week will mean spending time with my daughter, trying to survive and deal with this current violent bout of depression.
Spend more time with my boyfriend and try to look at him again like I used to or at least allow him the opportunity to not take me for granted anymore.

Thank you all once again for listening to this sad girl..
Some of have reached out to me here on blog but if you wish to reach me at a more personal level then by all means do, email me at ladikaat69@yahoo.com  and I'll give you my number so we can text.
 I haven't given up yet, nor will I ever be doing so, but sometimes
I'm just too sad for my own good...

I hated being depressed, but it was also in depression that I learned my own acreage, the full extent of my soul.

Flailing

It's Tuesday and that means work.
I've had some sleep last nigh until laxatives decided to kick in and kick my ass.
I tossed and turned rest of night.
I was in a fetal position thanks to my two cats who insisted on boxing me in to their comfort.
I love them but sometimes they are like those bad roommates who play music too loud and leave their underwear everywhere.
I started to drift off again around 5:30 am...
I had a weird dream about being in the Big Brother house and starting a "showmance' with Mccray the slacker long haired pizza boy who kinda looks like that actor from 500 Days of Summer Joseph something.
Anyways the dream took a weird turn as I dreamt my boyfriend's ex girlfriend was in the house too with him, and I made her cry because she had the nerve to call me a slut.
He was trying to explain to her that he loves me and wants to marry me and have babies. Then she had a bestfriend who was Tom from the Lword..
Omigosh; I can't escape this bitch even in my dreams.
Anyways walked to work this morning in the rain, I was dead tired and sleepy.
Picked up some menus from cafeteria's downtown for my preggers pharmacist who eats for two, picked up this one menu from a place she's always ordering from.
I punch into work and have to wear that big long sleeved lab coat that I hate cos mines is still dirty.
I hand her the menu's and she's like great, "we're ordering breakfast from there right now, what do you want to get?"
I dunno what's all this we business but looks like I had no choice in the matter.
Eating breakfast was inevitable.
I tried to pay for our breakfast and she refused.
Work was busy but okay, nothing I couldn't handle.
The other pharmacist from the pharmacy I park my car in calls to ask me can I work there tomorrow, I tell her yes but only from 12:30-4pm.
She's so grateful.
My preggers calls her back and tells her to stop trying to steal me away lol.
I can't tell you what a joy work is now compared to the other store where I wasn't appreciated and overworked.
The other tech gets to work and she's in a better mood, I think whatever personal reasons for her recent attitude have been resolved and I'm happy.
I like her a lot.
I walk back home having to borrow an umbrella from work because it's raining again. I feel bloated  Fuck.
I can't believe this shit. How the fuck am I supposed to lose weight if I'm always shoveling shit down my throat.
Laxatives are still active and I need to poop asap.
God it feels like the walk home never bloody ends!
I finally make it home sweaty, triggered and tired.
Behaviors all day folks.
I am so depressed and sad, lonely too.
I dozed off on my couch due to massive headache from purging.

Oh my lovelies how I wish some of you could comfort me.
I feel like I'm flailing.
I feel so outta control with my Ed.
Everyday it takes more from me.
I've been drinking every night now too.
My skin is so dry and riddled with bruises, my hair is falling out everywhere.
I'm bloated from booze and purging.

I cry every morning in the shower.
I dread getting dressed.
It's the saddest thing ever
God I feel so miserable I wish I were dead.
I don't care anymore, I don't want to be here anymore.
I wish I were somewhere else.
I feel like a fool, someone who's taken for granted.
I feel like a loser.

The drinking unfortunately helps and hinders me.
It helps in the sense I no longer feel sad, I feel numb.
It hinders me the next day as I am hungover.
The alcohol helps me sleep, helps ED shut the fuck up, helps me just tune out everything.


I hate this body, hate this weight.

I love you all and the support you give me, but God forgive me, I'm ready to check out of this life.
I love my daughter and all, but she will survive without me.
I no longer feel there is really anything around to keep me here.
I'm tired of lies, tired of being ignored, tired of one sided friendships, tired of people that are so pathetic they don't even have a title to me.

I'm finding it harder to stick around.
Sometimes I just don't care about how sad you'd be if I "died."
I'm not a good person, I'm selfish, self indulgent, vain, weak, stupid.
The world moves on.
My pitiful exit wouldn't be so earth shattering.
There are other blogs, other sick women.
My story is the same as theirs.

I don't matter..trust Me!
I'm a pathetic drunk who doesn't eat, simple as that.
I've been noticing the category some have placed me in.
They overlook the depressed, sexually abused, raped individual who doesn't want to eat. To they just want you to be okay because "Then every thing can just go back to Normal."
No, that's all set aside, in addition to someone who can't trust anyone's word.
I've yet to find  lover who actually loves me so much I'm worth it.
No, instead I am a stupid cow who forgives and can be treated any kind of way, I can be lied to, and fooled.
I'm an idiot. People do me like shit because I'm so "Nice."

I don't matter, I ain't worth shit.
If I were someone special I would be treated as such.
Instead am someone so pathetic would just let any scumbags back into my life to lie to me some more. I've cut out a lot of bullshit out my life but if I seriously wanted too, would cut out some more. A lot of people are still allowed to know of me because I grant them that. They are unworthy of course, but sometimes am so lonely I can't tell the difference apparently.


I am flailing.
I am tired.
I am sad.
I don't want to live.
I don't want recovery
I don't want weight gain.
I don't want this body.
I don't want to be cheated on.
I don't want to be lied to.
I don't want to feel foolish.
I don't want to be judged at my lowest point because lord knows I didn't judge you in all your patheticness...

I want what I deserve.
I want it now...

Monday

Sunday