Still Alive?

Hi,
Yes I'm actually blogging!
I know it's been awhile but I have no internet service and only one working laptop now.
Things are hard.
I'm using this garbage phone of mines as a hotspot. Let's see if this thing even uploads.
So what I can tell you.
Well for starters my car is back and running and all it cost me was 30 in labor to pay my brother to drain the oil in it. Apparently that was all that was wrong with it (that I know of so far) Too much oil flooded the engine.
But it's fixed now so I haven't walked anywhere all week long.
Second thing to discuss?
Hmm well work is okay, my preggers pharmacist had her baby finally, two weeks early!
It was a bouncy baby boy named Sebastian Alexander something..
She's on maternity leave until January, I hope she comes back.
Work has been okay, Dragon and I get along great, I've been feeding her regularly so she's calm.
I do all her Dr's calls so she's enamored.
Work is good, speaking of work guess who called me...
My old home store called me asking if I could fill a shift, I said NO of course, not because I wanted to, but because they called after I had my daughter at home, so even if I wanted to I couldn't do it.
Anyways.
My daughter is great, school is good, her grades are good and she has lots of friends.
Yes from the outside things seem okay.

On the inside No.
God I'm so fucking depressed a huge part of me wants to just slit my neck wide open and bleed out on my kitchen floor.

I'm sorry for being so honest, God forgive me I just don't want to be here anymore.
But I'm here, I'm useless as ever.
October is my favorite month and I don't even think I'm dressing up this year not only because I can't afford anything but because I've just lost joy for things.
Everything just feels so hard, like it's taking a toll for the worst.

I'm just so tired of this, tired of it all.

Break

Can't wait for the weekend..

Would you like a Flu shot?

Sunday night and I'm utterly infected with something.
My nostrils are inflamed and I can't swallow.
Everything aches, I think I have the flu.
It's funny that I should get the thing seeing as how I was just vaccinated for it.
Once again Murphy's Law prevails.

I call in sick Monday leaving Dragon to fend for herself until the other tech arrives.
I spend the day in bed after chugging ZzzQuil.
I feel awful, I don't eat except want so desperately for chicken soup and orange juice.
In my feverish state I become a mean cynic and curse the world and everyone who says they love me yet I don't even have as much as one person by my side to comfort me.
Monday and I hate everyone.
My only visitor was actually my ex husband who refuses to buy my daughter a pair of shoes so we have been sharing a pair we send back and forth, of course Sunday my kid forgets to pack the shit. So Monday morning bright and early the wanker stops by to get them. I groggily head outside disheveled and bothered.
My daughter comes in not wearing her glasses, her own hair a bird's nest.
I decide to bitch at my ex threating him to care more about her appearance or he won't get her any more. She will be 9 next month, she's a girl, c'mon for God's sake man! get it the fuck together.
He says nothing in return which is wise considering that I now have the power to infect healthy humans with my flu strain.

Finally later on that Monday evening after the brutal sun dies down, I decide to walk in my sickly state and walk 11 blocks to the nearest CVS to buy cold medicine and orange juice.
Once again I am my own hero.
My superpowers consist of saving my own bacon and living to tell about it.
I rub Vicks all over myself and turn on the humidifier. I take more meds and try to sleep some more.
In the morning after a long night of on and off sleep, I wake up and shower. I take vitamins a first in a long time.
I need to go to work because not only do I need to make rent and pay my shitty phone, I've been asked to decorate the pharmacy for Halloween.
I don't want someone else to do it, so off I go walking under the sun for more than 2 miles to work.
I get there super loopy and find a floater pharmacist at the reins.
I could've called out and none would've been the wiser but ah responsibility how it clings to me so...
I manage to be busy all day but decide instead of leaving at noon, to leave at one instead, I'd stay and decorate the pharmacy.
Before my shift is over I get some older man telling me in his own crude way that he'd like to sleep with me or "give me the business" as he so colorfully put it.
I get another problematic customer, an older woman picking up meds for her son which were originally not filled at this store. Nothing is ready and everything needs to be transferred in. She doesn't want to wait and mumbles profanities on her way out.
I'm sick and tired literally.
I get a call from my preggers pharmacist who is in a another building about a block away and would like me to meet her at this office to help carry a large tote containing flu vaccinating materials back to my store.
It's good to see preggers, she's glowing.
I'm sick and now lugging around a huge crate not tote back to my pharmacy.
This day is not going how I thought.
When we head back to the store I start to decorate, maybe tomorrow will snap a few pics for you to see although I didn't really finish decorating, I had to go home.
Before leaving home the other tech helps out a rather old lady, the woman leaves a stench behind, a mixture between a port a potty and a urinal.
Lysol air fresher is sprayed to dispel the odor and I continue putting up spider webs everywhere.
As I head near the blood pressure machine, looks like she possibly has pissed on the chair, thus I've discovered the real stench.
The manager from the front store argues about cleaning it going so far as to say the blood pressure machine is part of the pharmacy and we have to clean it, but in the end he does.
I'm finally coming to a close of my shift and punch out only to walk back home under the scorching sun.
I finally am home bored and sick.
An hour or so after being home the cable company comes over to collect a modem and cable box and cutting the cable running outside.
Did I mention the lovely cable company has sent me a bill for 400$ for services rendered.
My life holds no surprises. I expect a giant T-rex or Giant gorilla to come and rip my roof off taking me in its paws or jaws.
Or maybe a meteor from the sky will hit me on my walk to work, or maybe the zombie apocalypse will start and I'll be holed up in a mall somewhere.
That last one might not be so bad.
I've binged and purged 2x today and have been an utter sick couch potato watching bootlegged copies of Harry Potter flicks.
My car sits outside useless as I feel.
My white broken laptop has taken a turn for the worse no longer starting up at all, holding downloaded movies and my whole ITunes library with it, not to mention pictures and another copy of my novel.
How can one endure so much and still breathe?
I don't know, I think I stopped breathing years ago and I'm now running on fumes.

I am so fucking depressed you people just have no idea.
It's a feeling I wish on none a useless feeling that just keeps beating you down until you're nothing, until you're as useless as it, the one difference is that for some reason somewhere deep inside this abused body I don't roll over and die just yet. I'm still here and walking around faking smiles and doing what I have to, to make this little household of mines survive.

I wish it was Friday so I could be done with walking and work, done with wearing clothes I hate and pretending all is well when it bloody isn't.

I wish I could just be holed up somewhere with my laptop and just write all day long, nothing but a bottle of wine and a fresh pack of smokes to accompany me.
We're already in October and I have a deadline looming to finish this book of mines to finally push myself into finishing the thing once and for all.
I want to write two more right after it, but please let me finish the one first, let me start and finish something.

I feel awful now, have taken more cold meds and am chasing it down with wine.
I need sleep and then tomorrow more walking.
More dealing with medicines and insurance issues, irate customers and the race against the clock.
Then I have to get home and be a mom.
Feed my kid I don't know what and try not to let the way I feel touch her, not let on how utterly sad I am for no good reason.
Thursday and Fridays are the most painful on my body as I hurriedly walk in opposite directions in a race against time.
My boyfriend comes this weekend for a sleepover and I almost feel bad for him.
There's no cable here and no car, a sparsely filled fridge, just me and a kid, pets too thrown in for good measure.

I pictured my life to be getting better not worse.
I imagined a lot of things.

In all this madness the one thing that resonates is Ed.
If I could just be skinny I would gladly tolerate all of this with a smile.
The fact that I'm not losing weight just pisses me off even more.
You'd think a poor bitch like me wouldn't be so fat.

Life is funny and cruel.


There’s no grand excellence to it. In my experience it was just almost the gulaggy boringness of it that’ll kill you. You’re just in this murk. And you’re with other humans, but you lose all your human skills and it’s just like you’re in this plastic bag and you can’t quite connect with people. You lose your ability to transmit electricity or something, and to receive it. –Neko Case, re: her depression, in an August 23, 2013, interview in The Guardian


G'night..

Sunday Vlog

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday's Vlog

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d6Z881H0qdE

Hi guys, I'm really doing bad now, am having to blog from phone, have no internet whatsoever.. I'm uber depressed and my health is decling.
I'm sorry but it looks like I want be vlogging for a long time.
I'll post here when I can.
I'm still hanging in there although common sense would tell me to just give up already.
Pray for me, because frankly nothing about my life surprises me anymore and that just means I've just about stopped caring.

I'm still here

Double

First let me start off by saying thank you for lovely, comments, texts, and emails.
I'm sorry if yesterday's post scared some of you.
I'm so sorry for that.
I've just been having a horrible time with my depression and eating disorder.
Both things have just been draining me of any iota of self control and will.

I was very drunk last night and venting, not too mention actually writing.
I've had horrible writers block so I think I got carried away last night.
I apologize again.
I promise although am having suicidal thoughts, I promised a lot of important people in my life that I would never entertain those thoughts again.

I'm just very exhausted and overwhelmed, life keeps handing me tests that I just don't have the answers to.

"I realized that I had granted my illness lordship over me. In viewing my depression as a despot subjecting me to its savage fancies, I was able to escape responsibility, to indulge fully my selfish desire to let my ego flourish unfettered, not obliged to anyone. But this wasn’t freedom. It was a prison—a cell separating me from those who cared for me and for whom I might have cared." –Eric G. Wilson, Everyone Loves a Good Train Wreck: Why We Can’t Look Away

So let me tell you a little bit about my day.
Getting dressed was horrid this morning. For the first time in all my pharmacy life, I wore a dress to work.
It wasn't that I wore it to feel extra pretty, girlie or any other reason one might dress up at work. It was because I couldn't stand the constriction of tight shirts and pants.
I knew this dress isn't tight and it doesn't accentuate any lines on my now bloated body. Even still as I wore it and had about five minutes left before I headed out the door, I wanted to take it off again.
I felt like I was wearing a tent.
My breasts were embarrassingly spilling out of it, obscene almost. My new body has been filling out in all those womanly places like your hips, tits, thighs and ass.
 It draws more attention lately and that might be nice on most days but that's also a spotlight on me and all those other places that make me want to hide.
My face is rounder, my stomach no matter what I wear hangs over anything.
My collar bones are disappearing. God, all these things scare me more than a burglar or horror flick.
I don't know what confidence is anymore.
I don't know how to look in the mirror and turn away from shame.
I know some of you will disagree and tell me how beautiful I still am, I wish I could just snatch your mirror away and stare into it and hope even for a mere second to see the same thing.
After wearing this blue dress I start to walk to work, its overcast and on the verge of raining. I have to work two stores today.
The first store I get in and work with preggers who I just adore. She's the best boss I've ever had in all my years working.
I don't even punch in yet and she's already too busy so I immediately help her,  getting to work a few minutes early is always helpful.
We have a new outside vendor or "Cardinal" delivery man who doesn't speak English and frankly doesn't know what he's doing most of the time, preggers doesn't like him so I solely deal with him. We bond in our inexperience and at times confusion over pharmacy tasks.
I punch in minutes later and start my busy day.
I've had horrible customers over the phone today, random rude people in the morning which just makes me sad. How can anyone be so angry before 11 am?
At some point in time I notice preggers is on the pharmacy corporate website, she's telling me that she's handing out points. Points are given to employees based on their work, if you actually rack enough points you can redeem them for all sorts of fun prizes like gift card, electronics etc.
I've only received a full 20pts in my other store.
But preggers todays awarded me 2500 points based on my Customer service and work performance!
God bless her she's so kind.
It's inspiring to work now, I feel so different compared to a few months ago where things were so up in the air.
I've come so far I no longer question what am I doing here? anymore...
I belong here, I can do this job.
My shift ends and I have to go help out Dragon who's in the other pharmacy that's ten minutes away.
I stop by 7-11 first; I get an iced coffee for me then buy her a glazed donut; she loves those things.
I also buy a hot dog and a chocolate boston creamed filled one for me. I sit outside for a bit and eat the hot dog.
Hot dogs are safe sometimes so I eat.
When I head into the pharmacy Dragon lights up seeing me and invades my personal space to huddle next to me while I fill her in on kooky customers and my day so far. I think she and I will actually become real good friends. I no longer see her as a Dragon even, more like a comrade in arms as she is on my side really. We start to eat our donuts and then it gets awkward as she talks about how fat she is which she is not, I'd say she weighs about 115lbs.
Talking with someone about weight who's trying to battle an Ed is so fucking triggering. I actually didn't encourage her outlandish complaints, instead merely started changing the topic of conversation.
The day with her is slow and boring, We start reading magazines at some point and laughing at a customer who I spoke to on the phone. This man's only RX is Cialis, so he very shyly refills it not willing to even say its name lol.
I bust his chops of course asking all kinds of questions.
Four o'clock rolls around and I have to go much to Dragon's disappointment.
I'll see her tomorrow I think.
I walk back home in a hurry because my ex has my daughter and has to go to work.
Once I get home my daughter wants dinner.
I ask her about her day as I make tuna sandwiches for dinner. Her reading teacher says she needs to focus more in class. I told my daughter to shape up. I won't have a repeat of the last school year.
Unfortunately I've binged on sandwiches but it was only once and I didn't take laxatives.
The rest of the day in on the couch watching The L Word season 6, it's final season by the way.
As the night approaches that familiar calling of drinking hits me.
I'm out of smokes so head to 7-11 to buy more.
I want to cross the street to the Walgreens and get another bottle of wine but I'm actually so embarrassed because I've been going there so much to just buy booze.
So instead I buy my smokes at 7-11 and a bottle of beer.
I drink too much lately but I just don't know anything else.
It's all become some sort of routine now, work, b/p, drink, smoke, cry.
How can I stop it?
There are no support groups for Ed's here only one very far away in a church of all places that my boyfriend found online.
I've even thought about just googling an AA meeting just to be surrounded by people who drank as much as me and felt just as horrible by hurting others with their behavior.
Maybe I could do that. Maybe that could curb the weekday drinking I don't know.

I've spoken to my boyfriend again, although he's super sorry for making continuous mistakes with his ex girlfriend he seems genuine in his apology and wants to work things out.

"There’s no me if there’s no me and you." –Joseph Arthur, “Ashes Everywhere”

I love him I do. A huge part of me screams end this, go pick up the shattered pieces of your heart off the floor, someone out there has the tools to mend it.
I just can't.
I can't imagine going on feeling this sadness, its too much to bear.
So I'll stay and try to fix this. Give it another try, hope that the trust and respect can be won again. That maybe all this isn't for naught.
We are meant to stick by each other.
Maybe I owe us another chance, should give him/us that.
This is his first serious relationship and we all make mistakes.
I know I always need second chances and lord knows I grant everyone it.
I just have to hope that this will work itself and if it doesn't? I guess that's just another lesson to learn.
Like my beautiful friend so poetically put it..."You're just not ready to let him go, when you've had enough you always do."

I can't drive anywhere anymore so he'll just have to come see me on weekends if that's the case.
I guess we just have to communicate and if he truly loves me like he says then he will stop taking me for granted.

So now what's next?
Well this week that's not over entails more work at the pharmacy possible double shifts again since the tech who I've been filling in for has renal failure...
I'll have extra hours and that's always good since I have so many upcoming expenses.
The rest of the week will mean spending time with my daughter, trying to survive and deal with this current violent bout of depression.
Spend more time with my boyfriend and try to look at him again like I used to or at least allow him the opportunity to not take me for granted anymore.

Thank you all once again for listening to this sad girl..
Some of have reached out to me here on blog but if you wish to reach me at a more personal level then by all means do, email me at ladikaat69@yahoo.com  and I'll give you my number so we can text.
 I haven't given up yet, nor will I ever be doing so, but sometimes
I'm just too sad for my own good...

I hated being depressed, but it was also in depression that I learned my own acreage, the full extent of my soul.