Tuesday, October 30, 2012


It's cold out this morning..
I'm tired and once I opened my eyes it officially became Monday.

I went to bed early last night and managed to sleep some until around 2am my daughter wakes me to tell me that her bed is making her itch.
We're trying to get this Eczema business under control so any irritations must be addressed.
It's her bedding she says, so I sleepily come up with a make shift solution to new bedding linens.
She just has the one sheet set, looks like I'll be scouring Ebay tomorrow for new linens.
I fall back asleep, tossing and turning the cold night away into dawn.
The alarm goes off at 6:30am, I head to shower immediately.
The hot water feels good, I wish I could stay in the shower all day. I'm always so cold lately I hate it.
I don't shake any one's hand at work, I try not to make contact with the customers either. I'm embarrassed that my fingers are ice cubes, I don't know how to explain why.
The pharmacy is cold, I'm going to start wearing more layers and scarves. I may be the butt of some jokes, but when am I not.

I have a portable heater on which gets turned on to high, I dress in layers and wake my kid up for school. I don't usually have her Mondays but her dad says he'll pick her up this morning to drop her off, he even wants to give me a ride to the Dr.'s app.

Soon it's 8am and time for school, no ex in sight to give my kid a ride. I start to walk anyways, I can't wait around for anybody.
It's cold outside, windy, Fall weather is here now.
Halfway down the block and my ex pulls up.
I'm avoiding being in the same space as him. Every time we get near one another it gets ugly. I have bus fare weighing heavily in my front pocket.
I load my kid in his car and start walking the two blocks to the bus stop.
Five minutes later my ex calls and wonders if I'm mad today since I'm not accepting rides. I tell him that I wanted to take the bus, I'm sure he's tired from working a double the night before, the last thing he should do is drive me anywhere, and with that I avoid my ex, I avoid a potential fight.

The bus comes fast and I pull out my appointment card, this time I will board the right bus. It's too cold for me to run anywhere this morning.
I ask the driver if this bus is going to my Clinic, he nods. The bus driver must hear this question 1,000 times a day, my neck would hurt from so much nodding.
I have a seat and across from is the token nutcase that you find in any public transit.
He kept saying hello in different languages to everybody who walked past him. After ten minutes of this he put his hand over his mouth and contained himself. He had some interesting sneakers..

I arrive at the Clinic at 8:30am, I'm making good time. I'm also cold, I need coffee, but that can wait till I get out of the app. first..

The Clinic has changed since I last made my lost way here. It's completely remodeled inside. The waiting room is open and spacious, the reception desk is now just as grand. I like it.

After I check in, I'm told I have a new Dr.
It's a woman this time..hmm interesting.
I'm called in first to review my case, this happens every six months.
The woman interviewing me is a Shrink, she asks me questions I answer honestly.
She sums up everything as "You've gotten worse."
Yea, no shit doc.

She asks me why I'm no longer in Therapy, so I tell her how I had a great shrink then I didn't, instead had one who didn't seem to care much about me at all. It's hard to trust someone, but to start all over again is harder. Trust is earned. Not everyone can retain that.
The new Dr. sees me and decides to up my medication, I'm now on Wellbutrin 300mg.
I'll drop off new Rx at work and start the pills on Wednesday. I hope no bad side effects occur.

I get coffee after the appointment then board the bus home. I sat comfortably for about a minute before an elderly woman who can hardly stand came in my direction.
My knee hurts today, real bad but looks like I was standing, I offered her my seat. Later on I found another seat only to give it up to an elderly man with a cane.
Ugh old people all around me, lately I've had a distaste for them, but what can I say, I'm a softie.

Home afterwards, the walk there is filled with Fall sights, flowers that stand out in warm sun, doggies that don't shut up, the Mounted Police officer who doesn't curb his horse??

It's bad enough dog poo litters the sidewalks, now Mr. Ed's dookie too!
I was a little bit disappointed that my Halloween costume didn't come today. I got out of the house since I was certain the mail had come and went.
When I come back home, and start to thaw out from the cold, the mailman is back and carrying goodies.
My costume is here!!
Halloween is saved.
I try it on and it's great, cosplay indeedy.
I'm sure it will be cold on Wednesday so the downside of such a cute costume is I may possibly be a frozen cosplay costumed Lou.

Anyways that's it for today.
I have the urge to drink but have not.
No bp today either.
I actually fought so hard against that. It got so bad on the way back home I stood across the street from a Bakery I frequent. My inner turmoil profound.
I wanted so desperately to cross the street and blow money on baked goods that I knew would never see the light of my intestines.
I wish Ed's had sponsors, like in AA. I would so very much wish I could call someone and say please help me, I'm not too strong right now. I feel like hurting myself right now.
It doesn't and I didn't have a soul to call.
My depression is bad because I feel more isolated than usual.
It shouldn't be an excuse but it doesn't take much to get me going.

Tomorrow work and a new system to learn. I'm anxious already.
Dear God please don't let me fuck up too bad at work.


Sam said...

If you need a support group then you should ask you therapist about group therapy. Like AA you have a group of people and a sponsor to look after you.

Good luck!