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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Monday

I'm not feeling so hot.
My pelvic region hurts, feels like it's my Ovaries, but after much Googling, it could be a number of things.
It could be the cysts in my Ovaries, it could be IBS, it could be my Kidneys, I have no idea.
All I know is this, my lower gut is swollen and sore, it hurts to bend over, sit down, ugh it just hurts!

I called a Clinic nearby to see if they take my Insurance, they never called back so tomorrow I will have to walk over there and try to make the appointment in person.
They also have a Gp, so I'm thinking see the Gyno plus Gp (general practitioner) and get an overall checkup.

As much as this scares me, I will tell the Dr.'s I have an Eating Disorder.
I'm hoping I don't get too much shit for it.
I have no idea what the consequences for admitting this means?

Has anyone else ever been through this??

Work was okay today.
I made cookies for my coworkers.
White Chocolate Chip Macadamia.



I didn't work with stick in the ass today which was good.
I had plenty of rude customers though. Remind me to tell you about some of them!
I sold my first Flu Shot today. I got a point. The company racks up your points and you win prizes for selling the most, so here I go getting all competitive lol.
I've bp today, before and after work. I haven't admitted to this except to you all.

I hate it.
My weight is bad, but not accurate.

I worked 9hrs straight with no break, my coworkers did too.
At the end of the night they all joked about who was the hungriest and it turned into a giant make fun of Anorexics conversation.
I felt offended and sad.

How can I ever get help if I'm nothing but a laughing stock to others.
Just because I'm not emaciated looking or in a hospital, does no one else understand the severity on my illness?

I'm dying.
I'm not well.
I'm sad.


I come home to cats, my kid is with my ex and my boyfriend is back at home.
I feel very lonely.

Sometimes I'm used to it just being me, other times I'm not.

I work at 2pm tomorrow so I can sleep in some, but afterwards another long tiring day.

I feel very conflicted about a lot of things right now,
I feel like I'm in self destruct mode, I want to sabotage some relationships.

My Ed wants me alone.


4 comments:

ruby-tuesday said...

It's a myth I think, that you can tell by looking at someone if they have as eating disorder.
You don't have to be scarily skinny to have one. Eating disorders range from the emaciated to the obese and everything in between.
I was just as sick at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight.

Hang in there Lou, you are a tough cookie and I know you'll get through this.

Sending you hope, faith, courage and a hug x

Jenn said...

I haven't really told my GP about my ED (he's a guy incidentally), but when I recently saw a Gyno (a lady)I just spilled my guts (pun), I confessed and it seemed like no big deal. I mean I said I "had struggled with some eating disorder behaviors" but that I "was addicted to laxatives" and had stopped completely several months ago but that I still throw up "kind of a lot" but that I'm working on it. She seemed very understanding. Also, I had a lot of different issues to address and she knew I'm coming back for more of that so I think she's just approaching things one by one so I don't get overwhelmed. My next appointment is in Nov so we'll see. I'll let you know if she even asks about it.

Peridot (G+P) said...

Oh man that sounds horrible. (Google is also the scariest thing for diagnosing with!) I hope you can get an appointment, and an all-over checkup would be a good thing to get.

Telling them is scary, but it would give them an idea of what to warn you of if they know anything about EDs and find something bad/weird/out-of-place in bloodwork or other tests.

Omfg those bikkies look AMAZING! They look like the slobber-inducing delectableness at Couplands. You are a GODDESS of cookery!

I like your competition about selling flu shots better than our ones about selling roast chickens. Yours do something GOOD for the people around you, ours don't do anything good for the chooks or the customers. Then again I guess roast chicken is a healthier quick-family-dinner option than maccas or BK.

*Hugs* People mock what they don't understand. You don't have to be emaciated to have an ED, and they just don't understand that at all. I try to bust those stereotypes every chance I get. I tend to get on my high horse about EDs and Mental Illness at work A LOT ^.^;

Fuck ED! He's not allowed to have you all to himself. Nope nope nope nope NOPE. You're too good for him. Please hold on. If the disorder thoughts tell you to cut people off, talk to them instead. You're not alone, NEVER alone. Even when it's just you and the cats, people everywhere are holding thoughts of you in their hearts with love.

Arohanui <3

désespérée de maigrir said...

You don't have to self destruct... pour out all of those feelings here, to us, and we will help you and support you.

I hope your lady bits feel better, its scary when you don't know what's wrong. I'm sure that the doctor will be able to help figure it out. And I would be shocked to find out that a doctor would harshly judge anyone with an eating disorder. Even with minimal training, they are aware that it is a mental disorder, not a choice.

You are much braver and stronger than you know, my dear - especially because you are such a good mum.

Keep your chin up and stay distracted. I'm glad to hear that generally, things are going well at work (despite a few annoy coworkers).

BIG HUGS!