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Wednesday, January 2, 2013

If only.

I couldn't make two days.
I can feel myself dying.
I'm aware.

Today was a great day, a great start.
I felt happy and confident.
I got to webcam with my boyfriend which was nice.
It feels good to laugh early in the morning, to smile.
Sometimes when its just us, I find myself smiling all day, so much so that my cheeks actually start to hurt.

I worked with stick in the ass and one other tech that I love.

The day was painfully slow.
I had to keep reminding myself "time and a half...time and a half."
I made coffee in the morning instead of my usual coffee fix from McDonald's.
I wanted to make today count and so avoided temptation.

I had only one rude customer, an impatient woman.
I apologized profusely for my mistakes and kept the lines of communication open.
By the end of the transaction, I won her back.

I had two shakes, a bag of peanuts and bought a tin of pringles at work, I hardly had the chips, my coworker ate most of it and feeling bad in doing so although I offered the thing.

Eating was a bad idea.
It stayed with me, the feeling of disgust, guilt and regret.

Ed was not happy.
"Stupid girl, you'll ruin us yet!"

I had more men compliment me on my hair than anything today.
I didn't expect that, my coworker just said she wishes she could be so bold and go so short, she wants to be spontaneous.

When work was done I walked home in the cold.
At home the turmoil started.
I had some bread and tuna, I felt fat and full.
Cold sweat perspired from every orface on me a nd I became anxious, sad.

Finally I went to the bathroom and rammed my long fingernails down my throat.
Everything I ate came back up.

Afterwards as I slouched defeated on my couch, I started to cry.
I feel like a loser.
God, I can't get better??

This is what dying must feel like.

I'm really weak and tired.

More work tomorrow.

Working and working at it.

I'm calling it a night.

Be safe

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Every day might not be a good day but there is good in every day.

Peridot (G+P) said...

Working public holidays SUCK, especially when you're working with the twatty coworkers. Sometimes 'Smile and think of the money' helps, and most of the time you just want to punch everyone and walk out. Good on you for putting up with it as long as you did! :D

Fuck ed, eating was a good idea. Maybe the mushy food with flavour was a good plan? Until you have rebuilt the muscle in your digestive tract? That way you won't feel quite so icky and ed has one less weapon to work with.

Yes your hair is awesome! :D I never get compliments from guys, just blatant boob-staring. *Is jelly*

*Hugs* You're NOT a loser. This shit doesn't go away over night. It's along, hard dirty battle but you are so worth it.

DON'T SHAKE YOUR HEAD AT ME! YOU ARE! Besides, I plan to shamelessly take advantage of your local's knowledge of Miami and use you as a tourguide so I don't accidentally wander into the bad areas. (that's if I can afford it and you want to hang out, of course.)

I hope you have a good day today. Something to make you smile:
http://notalwaysright.com/music-is-ageless/26106

Take care of yourself as much as you can today <3