Wednesday, April 17, 2013

I can't get away

Work was good today.
Made Cherry Cheesecake for my coworkers. They all loved it and have requested Monday I bake something else..maybe I'll make Monkey Bread?
Stick in the Ass didn't bother me at all today.
Chatterbox and big boobs went on and on about losing weight.
Chatterbox commandeered the cheesecake, eating most of it, she's getting married soon and wants to drop ten pounds to fit in her wedding dress. Big boobs suggested she take laxatives and not eat. Chatterbox thought that was funny, why not throw in some puking up your food for good measure too.
These two idiots went on and on making fun of this horrible affliction I secretly face daily, the thing that may one day altogether take my life, as it almost did a long time ago.
With each remark they made, my heart sank, I cringed internally and felt small.
It mad me really sad, I felt like a bad joke.
It makes me sad still.
Sometimes I feel like no one will every truly know me. Maybe it's better no one really does.

I ate today before work, but couldn't take it anymore and purged after showering.
Feeling drained and lightheaded I went to work, where I sipped on a diet coke, and ate nothing.
My head throbs now and its filled with self loathing chatter.
I wish I could just lose weight.
Binge on laxatives.

More importantly I wish I could just wake up and not feel anything,
be numb.
Be quiet.
Not express the tiring myriad of emotions I face daily.
I wish I could just get away from myself.
I'm so tired, it hurts to breathe, to talk, to live.
I don't want to pretend I'm okay. I want to hurt myself, because I deserve it.
I want to cry, and yell and throw shit and rip my brittle hair out.

I want to yell,
Somebody help me, I don't know how to help myself."

Instead I say nothing, I feel full, and its words this time, not food.

My stomach hurts, has hurt all day since I purged.
I feel cold, and hot.

I get home and turn on my laptop and TV..
The laptop monitor lights up!
*throws hands in the fucking air, hysterical, maddening laughter ensues*
I give up.
I think I have a poltergeist, it lives in my laptop.


Peridot (G+P) said...


Sorry I'm not around much. I'm being a horrible hermity bitch. Trying to snap out of it, honest.

I wish I could come over and give those scumbags a good hard verbal bitchslapping. They fucking need it.

I have nothing that can be of any practical help, being so far away.

Love you so much. Remember that there are people who love you and value you.

Fuck, words are so useless sometimes.


ruby-tuesday said...

Oh Lou, I know just how you feel
But you know you have come through so much, don't come this far only for your ED to get the better of you
I know what it's like to have constant negative chatter in your head
I've taken to telling myself to shut up
Yes I am that person you see on the street muttering to themselves

I just want you to know that you are stronger than you know
And I just know you can do this
I have so much admiration for you
I want you to be happy and this thing just eats away at our peace of mind

Keep holding on
Keep fighting the good fight
It will all pay off
I just know it will

Sending you a massive hug

Love you x

Emily Carter said...

Not that it excuses it but people make jokes about things they don't know all the time, on any and every subject. People just today made a crack about people in anger management. They no nothing about the effects those people have on others so they think it isn't something heavy.

I can only imagine how much it hurt, but unless you say something it will never stop. You gotta stand up for yourself, otherwise you'll continue o feel small. I have to do this on a continuous basis in college. People here are the most ignorant people alive on everything. Saying something may not change anything they say but at least I know I stood up for myself and the experiences I have and continue to face. Hope that makes sense.