Thursday

This week has been very confusing for me.
I'm mixing up my days and the lack of bleach on my roots is affecting my train of thought.
I think Monday's holiday has thrown my work week in a loop.
So let's go back because I'm still living in the past.
Monday I'm off unfortunately, the pharmacy was open but the company decided to only pay the pharmacist or (Rph) to work that day and not pay the two techs that would come in to help. I was counting on time and a half that day to help with my very shitty last few paychecks.
Tuesday was the day to head back to work but I woke up feeling sick from too many laxatives and getting soaked in the rain from the day before. I was sleep deprived and overall didn't want to come into work.
I call out to my preggers boss and she tells me it's okay. The day after Holidays are very slow. To keep her posted on rest of work week.
I don't do much on Tuesday, it's so uneventful I can't even recall right now what I did, I'm sure it involved me bp a lot and taking more laxatives.
I'm sure a nap and some crying are thrown in there for good measure too.
I head back to work Wednesday and I am all kinds of confused because I thought it was actually Thursday and kept thinking that the who bloody day. I forgot the main bridge I take in the Morning's was closed for construction so I had to drive through gridlock and take a detour to work but get there on time.

I drag at work constantly yawning and trying to fake smiles and laughs for the outside world.

I'm happy to report a small victory for me concerning the Fun House Garage. Guess what, the front gate is always open now, they've moved the Valet booth to the top of the Garage, no more peeping camera guys watching me fall down stairs or push intercom buttons for doors to open. When I head home there's a side door I've discovered that's always unlocked so now I can head upstairs to the Elevators in peace. The Fun House Garage is just a garage again. Work is getting better and better.

At some point in time as I'm typing an Rx for a customer my preggers boss tells me that she's getting a text from this trainer, we'll call her Two-face. Why Two-face because that's the vibe I get from her. From what I hear through the grapevine this trainer may have had a hand in my being fazed from the schedule from my original Home Store. I heard she may have said "she's just not cutting it" when referring to why my hours got cut all together.
Anyways..
Two-face has been trying to pimp me out to other stores although now thank God almighty I have a somewhat set schedule to work again, yes it's everyday and only for three hours a day and yes I have to park in another garage now altogether but it's steady work. I can float if I want, it's no longer a dire need.
Two-face has been very curious as to my "schedule" at this new store I'm working at Downtown. My preggers boss tells me if I wanna work two days out the week somewhere else she would understand, but I don't to be honest, I love this new store I'm at, I love my coworkers, I love the environment, but most of all I love that I'm actually not hating what I do when I work there.
So Wednesday Two-face texts my Boss to see if I will go work at this other store right after I'm done with my shift, from what I can summarize from her tone, she's not asking. Now there's one thing to know about Lou, and that is You Can't Make Me Do shit if I don't wanna. I don't care who you are.
Preggers, sweet, beautiful, considerate baby Incubator that she is actually asks me "So what do you wanna do, cos Two-face wants you at another store today, do you wanna stay two more extra hours today here? I can tell her that if you don't want to go over there, or if you do I can tell her that too?"
I tell her I want to stay.
So the rest of my very confusing Wednesday continues...
My preggers boss is always Hungry, so she wants to buy lunch for the tech that can guess the famous phrase to a onesie she bought online for her baby.
She asks the other tech first, to which I reply that's fine, Age before beauty!
The tech doesn't get it, her response is "Is it from the movie Babe?"
Preggers shows me the picture and the little shirt says this... "You Remind me of the Babe" I immediately smile and say it's from the movie Labyrinth!
"Yes!" she squeals in delight. "Lou get's a bagel!"
In all fairness she buys lunch for us all. I love my Boss, it's hard to believe she was once as bad as Stick in the Ass.
So I eat a Garlic Bagel. I eat it while she plays songs from the movie to which she and I sing along. "Dance Magic dance!"

I get the inventory order day wrong and my boss corrects me which I found odd because I felt so certain I was right.
Then surprise, surprise, my Older Mechanic brother comes into the pharmacy with his wife just to say hi to his little tech sister and see me in action. He lingers around the store, when other employees ask if he needs help he says "No, I'm just here to admire the midget" which would be me lol. I had to tell people we were related before it got weird.
My brother distracting me didn't help matters because at some point I was pulling prescriptions for a patient and was wildly looking for a missing one that was guess where...in my hand already.
The patient had a good laugh and I apologized and blamed it on the blonde hair.
I'm glad I stayed the extra hours because it got busy.
When I get home my ex tells me that Thursday my daughter has no school, Teacher's planning Day...I thought he meant next Thursday but he's like NO tomorrow.
Oooooooh.
I panicked for a second but remembered that he doesn't work till five so he could babysit in the morning.
So I spent last night writing a little, I finished Chapter 9 in my book and started chapter 10.
Chapter 10 is written in the POV (point of view) from a male's perspective so there were so questions I needed answered, I quickly text and called all my male constituents and  got feedback. Hope I do the male character justice and if I don't who cares, its my book and I can write whatever I want.
Today is THURSDAY.
I drop my daughter off at my Ex's and drive to work but there is no Gridlock so I'm incredibly early at work. I head to 7-11 and get coffee, as I'm paying I grab a Galzed Doughnut because today folks, I work with the Dragon.
I want her happy today because I'm just too tired and confused from dream filled sleep from the night before. I actually dreamt with my dead mother last night, I was in tears begging her to help me forget about a man who's crossed me, to which she's actually agreed.
Dragon is good to me today as a matter of fact work is great!
I helped two customers today, the first was a man who I helped yesterday who came back and needed more pills and cream because he was going on Vacation, I told him I would call his insurance and see if I could get an override. I did and I called him, he was very happy with me. The second was an older woman who I helped too much. She wanted to call corporate and tell them what great Customer Service I gave her.
The day was Good, Dragon and I talked all day, well she talked I listened and pretended everything she said was just riveting.
She loved her donut too, almost drooled on herself ala Homer Simpson.
I get a text from my kid's Godmother to stop by after work so I do. My ex decides to keep my daughter till almost four.
I see my friend today and get my complete printed out Novel. I'm so happy. It's amazing and inspiring to see it all in print like that, like a real published book.
She also tells me she's going to sell Amway products. For $163.00 I can be my own Boss too and sell all kinds of products ranging from jewelry, vitamins, clothing etc.
It sounds great but who will buy it?
Will you all buy from me if I ventured into such an endeavor?
My friend also drops a huge bomb on me.
"Promise me" is how she starts to tell me something and hoping my reaction isn't catastrophic.
Yes?
"You've gained weight. Your face is fuller."
I smile and try not to cry in front of her.
I do a good job but inside I'm a mess.
Fuuuuuuuuuck! @%&*!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a fat stupid bitch :(

She's not being mean, she means it as a positive thing, like maybe I'm getting better.

I go home finally after revamping her blog and meet my ex and get my kid.
The rest of my day consists of me crying my eyes out and punching my stomach and slapping my full face. I've taken laxatives and cried. Oh how I cry.
Now I'm just spent.
I know she meant it as a compliment, she's coming from a loving place and for that I forgive her. She's been my "safe harbor" as she puts it many times when referring to my Eating Disorder, she doesn't tell me to eat something or criticize me. I know she means well but I'm just to sick to comprehend that.
I'm so mentally deranged that I have accepted that I may never recover and that this ED will be the end of me.
I will die in a tragic misunderstood way from it. Whether in my sleep from binging on alcohol and nothing more, a heart attack or stomach rupture. God, there are so many colorful ways to go.
I've had this burden for such a long time, I don't know who I am without it.
All I know today is that I've gained about twenty pounds and hate myself.
All I know today is that I am no longer a negative zero.
All I know today is that my clothes are tighter.
All I know today is that my collar bones are disappearing, and my hip and ribcage aren't protruding, my thighs touch.
All I know today is that I'm not that cold all the time.
All I know today is that I miss being so completely consumed by losing weight that I can't see the Forest from the trees.

Stepping on the scale
Praying I lost weight
The number that the scale tells me
Determines my fate
I lost five pounds
Only twenty more to go
I promise I'll stop then
But you don't think so
Do aerobics at 5:00am
Then at one and eight
Desparately trying to get rid of
This fat body that I hate
Breakfast I don't eat
Lunch a piece of bread
Dinner I'll feed the toilet monster
Tomorrow's meals I dread
I ate seven meals this week
But I didn't keep them down
Step on the scale again
I lost ten more pounds
Counting fat and calories
In everything I eat
I can't go over my limit
This goal I have to meet
Four hours of aerobics a day
Won't stop until I fall
But there is nothing to worry about
I have control over it all
I'm sick of people worrying about me
Thinking that I'll die
Because everything is under control
I wish they would not cry
I reached my goal weight
But I can lose some more
You're getting terrified
I don't know what for
Everything is under control
Everything is fine
But everyone I talk to
They just say I'm lying
I swear I'm okay
I really am fine
But today my doctor told me
I am slowly dying
Why doesn't he believe me
I really am okay
I really have control
At least it started out that way