Sunday, April 20, 2014

No bunny loves you

Its been a very long weekend it feels like which I appreciate because I've been very tired.
My health isn't so good these days what with the random vaginal bleeding, the constant migraines and blurry vision, my erratic mood swings, my possible ulcer and oh of course let's not forget good old Depression.
Yeah I forgot what that fucker feels like when it comes on. It's been awhile since that shit has hit me real good, stealing any joy out of me, replacing joy with irrational sadness.
I've been randomly crying for no reason all the time.
This morning was the worst of it as I had to actually go to the bathroom and sob into a towel just to avoid scaring my daughter.
Drinking and Depression don't mix of course and oh boy do I not know how to follow directions.

Around 6am I find myself on my living room couch where I apparently blacked out from drinking.
As I'm typing this my hands tremble from the Alcohol withdrawal.
God I wish I could just stop drinking altogether. I ruin everything when I keep drinking past the point of it feeling good.

After waking up in a strange place I head to my room and my daughter is asleep in my bed?
I lay with her and she stirs and cuddles closer to me.
I hug her and the crying starts again because I can't recall most of my night.
I remember watching the movie Alexander on the computer and my daughter in my room on the tablet.
I remember a text from my boyfriend getting home or going home from church. I remember never letting the wine glass go empty.
I check my phone and have an almost 1hr phone call to my boyfriend.
Oh shit.
He's not on my Facebook or Instagram so that means we had an argument, or rather he was being verbally abused by me more like it. It's never wise to argue with a drunk person, that's a fight where there are no winners. Drunks are mean and have the undeserving courage to help them hurt others when they are at their most weakest.

I wish he would've just hung up the phone or just not answered.
He didn't come see me this weekend, has been in Mass a lot this Passover.
I know this weekend I've been pissing him off with my mood swings. I internalize a lot and that's a landmine that goes off without saying.
I haven't reached out to him all day because well I'm just embarrassed to.
What can I possibly say to excuse the verbal diarrhea that slurs out of my mouth.
Jesus, just trying to imagine the mess I said makes me want to cry. I can say some dumb shit sometimes.
I don't know if I could ever be forgiven or not, but if you're reading this, I am very sorry.
You are never deserving of my tongue lashes.
I don't know if you will ever talk to me again or not, or if I even deserve your forgiveness, but I apologize nonetheless.
I love you a lot and that may be part of the problem.
Is this the turning point? Have I become a "Crazy" girlfriend. Those women you hear stories about that usually start like "I used to date this one crazy bitch..."
God I hope not.
Or maybe I'm in denial I don't know. Wish there was a support group for crazy bitches.

The problem I think is...(and let me stress I will self deconstruct now) that I am a contradiction in terms possibly.
I am an Independent woman who for all intents and purposes doesn't need a man yet is upset that she finds herself alone most of the time as if she doesn't have a boyfriend?
Am I explaining this right, I'd say no.
Maybe my problem is that I just have no one to come home to other than my 9yr old and some pets.
The one person I love and want to be around all the time can only see me on weekends.
This makes me sad. Makes me feel unwanted and makes me think the other person doesn't feel this way and isn't sad so the problem must be me.
I'm just too needy maybe?
Maybe I should just stop expecting it to be more than what I can have. Just accept that like it or not this is what your relationship is like, take it or leave it.
It's funny in my Novel the main character has a similar realization about her fiancĂ©e who works all the time and sees her sometimes. She says "Some of Bo is better than no Bo."
Some of my boyfriend is better than no boyfriend, because when I do get the some, it's the best feeling in the world. Feels like coming home after a long exhausting day and taking your shoes off and putting your feet up, feels like Aaaaaah Finally I can relax now!
I miss him a lot when he's not around, miss sharing things with him and doing nothing even.
My favorite is when we make new memories together like holidays or do things with the kids that they enjoy.
I have a serious codependency problem I think. When he leaves I get sad. It can't be natural because he doesn't get like that and so I think it makes me mad too, I take it as well you love me but you don't Loooooove me...and so the irrational anger is there because I feel exposed and vulnerable.
Then the self loathing kick in because well you stupid girl you're just going to get your heart broken oh plus you're fat.
So you see the rudimentary fundamentals of a crazy girls psyche.
I'm not fit to love anyone.

Now I've ruined this poor mans Easter with my Drunk Yoda Jedi mind fuckery.
As if he doesn't have enough going on without one more thing to worry about.
You don't ever have to talk to me again and I understand, enough is enough. Just know that I love you and I'm very sorry.

I fall back asleep. I'm suddenly woken up by my daughters foot kicking me spectacularly on my backside. This is why I don't like sleeping with her, she kicks and hogs the bed too.
I can't go back to sleep I'm too hung-over. I take a shower and start getting dressed.
I don't eat anything.
My stomach distends horribly after eating anything that isn't in a liquid form. I'm in a lot of discomfort and finally my food comes up all on its own.
I've lost two pounds since this all has been going on. I would rather just do meal replacements for now until I feel better.
My daughter wakes up finally and I feel sorry for her as she stumbles out of my bed, smiles shyly at me and goes to check on her hamster.
I go in the bathroom and cry into a towel. God this poor little soul stuck with me as a mom. One day she'll find out the truth about me, she'll put the pieces together and know that her mom was a drunk sad person who eats funny.

After I compose myself I tell her to brush her teeth and get dressed, we're going out.
My bills are caught up on so I can splurge a little on something not bill related.
I take her to GameStop to buy a Wii game we can both play that isn't so challenging and maybe she can win at. I buy Mario Party 8.
We get home and I make her lunch and play with her for a little bit trying to distract myself. Every time I think of a drunk Lou on the phone my stomach tightens and I rub my forehead in frustration.
My daughter and I play the Wii for a bit and she is actually winning which is nice.
My niece texts me on the phone asking if I wanted to go to the beach with her. I ask my daughter who says Yes.
We dress quickly and head out on this sunny day.
The toll booth we must go into is filled bumper to bumper in all lanes. It's a hot day and her dad's car has no air condition and only two working windows.
We finally make our way inside the long line and drive to our destination.
We head to a beach she's never been to, a beach that makes me smile genuinely. It's a beach that I mention in my novel.
I smh at the randomness, two novel mentions in one day, I must write soon.
It's very hot and the parking lot is full of cars, we park very far away and carry all our stuff.
This beach is perfect, big and full of life. People barbecuing, music blasting, impromptu Easter Egg Hunt. My favorite thing is the water. This beach is notorious for its sandbars. Low tide for miles, my daughter giggled in sheer delight and what looked like people walking on water.
"Mommy can we come back here next week when Michael comes over?"
Blow right to the chest. "We'll see."...or maybe we won't because your mom fucked things up good, no half assed here.
It took me awhile to get into the moment, to really be here and let go of things I said or what has happened. It's said and done and getting sad all over again will not change it.
You can either get through this or learn to live a life again all by yourself. So let it go for today and look at your daughter who's so pretty and happy today because her mom took her to the beach! There's no school today and I'm at the beach. She's been doing so well with her FCATS, she deserves her own distractions.
I forget that a lot. Forget that I'm not the only one going to little things that feel like mountains. Even her, she may have little things that need distracting.

My niece and I catch up, we all swim in the warm crystal clear water. We even build sandcastles, mines came out incredibly decent.
After sunset arrives the beach patrol get on their megaphones and call everyone out the water, they are closing.
I arrive home red and full of sand where sand has no place being in.
My daughter gathers her things and I have to drop her off to her dads house. Outside his apartment are a bunch of men standing around drinking. My ex-husband is one of em.
I briefly wonder how the rest of my daughters night will go?
Will she be inside alone on the laptop, will he keep her company or stay outside drinking with the neighbors?
I drive back home to shower and really cry this time.
Tomorrow I work from 10-6 at my Home store with New Mommy Central. I have to break the news to her about missing on Friday, she wanted me there till 6 but no boyfriend means no sitter so...
I hope the day goes smoothly and no more drama unfolds. I hope I can do my job well to the best of my ability.
When I get home maybe I'll work out or I don't know what anymore.
Pet the cats some more I suppose.

I hope you all had a great Easter. Mines was good despite the rest of what wasn't.
Think I'll go to bed.
Goodnight all.


Anonymous said...

Great entry, made me smile but also made me sad, a full range of emotions