Monday, April 21, 2014


At around 11pm I go to bed.
My dreams are riddled with nightmares.
My mother is in at least two of em, I keep telling myself I need to move out because she is subtly sending hints that's it's time to move on. Time to fly the coop or nest or however the saying goes.
I even dream of my boyfriend although of what I can't recall. Such odd dreams...
I can't sleep anymore.
I text my boyfriend at 6am. These weird dreams plague me. I apologize profusely hoping for another chance.

I get a text at 8am on the dot from New Mommy Central urging me to come to work an hour earlier, Sunday the pharmacy was closed so that means we have 6 pages of Rx's that have to be filled!
I get dressed immediately and head out.
The drive is short, I skip eating today and it doesn't bother me.
Work drags.
New Mommy Central keeps threating to play  Pharell's song "happy" if I don't cheer up.
She's genuinely concerned over my somberness. She keeps prodding as to what's wrong until I tear up and finally tell her. I hate that I've cried in front of her but it's the most sincere emotion I've showed since meeting her I think. I'm very private at work, so much so that people make comments on how quiet I am. There people aren't my friends. I haven't had real friends in a long time. I hardly speak about anything personal unless I know you which is funny as seeing how I write a blog and candidly tell you every aspect of my life. The truth is a lot of you I know very well, for years as a matter of stating and those that I haven't met yet, well that's okay too.

I finally break down and tell her that my boyfriend and I are not in a good place and maybe I've screwed thing up royally.
She is so sweet reassuring me that no one can be mad with me.
My boyfriend texts me back as if all is forgiven. I hesitantly continue the conversation. Seems like all is back to normal?
I cautiously allow myself to feel okay about this.

We work a lot and all day. I help out so much she constantly thanks me and is willing to give me two complete days off on Wednesday and Thursday.
At some point in my very busy day I feel nasty and can smell myself, I head to the bathroom and have bleed through my clothes, not a period but something else, I almost want to throw my underwear away but decide against it, instead clean them as much as I can with baby wipes and sanitizer, even spraying Febreeze  on me.
I stink.
I smell of rot and blood and copper pennies.
I want to go home.
I'm so self conscious I hold my breath in and constantly douse myself with sanitizer.
I stink and I don't now why?
I try my hardest to not bend down or crouch.
At some point my New Mommy Central says
 "I can't lift my arms up because my armpits smell really bad."
I suddenly am overly grateful for someone else's fears in sync with mines...
I really need to see a Dr.
I'm rotting from the inside out.

Later as the day progresses we come to the scheduling issues, I've promised myself to the another pharmacy, New Mommy Central is upset but decides to just let it be for now.
She even may need me the following Monday which means I may have to cancel on a pharmacy that has been giving me hours when she hasn't.

After 15 minutes to 7pm, I'm off and headed home only to do modules that are due.

I come home to an empty house and immediately throw my bloody clothes into the hamper, I shower the stink away and wonder what's wrong now?
Is this all Ed related or something worse?
I distract myself with 3 very hard modules.
One of em are done the others not so well. I've given up entirely. I will try again tomorrow. Tonight I am too tired.
I've called my boyfriend today and he's ignored all my calls only texting me, I suspect I'm still in the doghouse.
Well the one good thing about any of this is, is that I am solely responsible for any successes.
Having no "Help" means another victory for my independence.
I sometimes wonder if this all a setup, if this is just teaching me to never depend on anyone but myself. I suspect my life to turn out in ways I never imagined.

I found out some rather distressing news about my brother in prison which I can't share.
My sister and I armed with this new development must act accordingly.
She has been very private as well about it all which I admire.
Its very true to be weary of people who want to know too much about your life, a lot of the times they frankly don't care, they just want to feel better about their own sad little lives in comparison.

Not everyone is your friend, cheetahs show their spots eventually, trust no one.
If they are not trying to help then they've never really cared and so you can always tell who you can trust and who you can't.
Be very careful, knowledge is indeed power.
Who will have the upper hand in your life we must ask ourselves.

Tomorrow I work with Big Gay Al, I'll bring him pastries and try my best to do my work.
It'll be a long ass day as I have truck and so much more to do.
I'm very tired and super depressed. I will go to sleep now, or at least that's what I think.